Dear Ben:

“I am lost and confused today. My anxiety worsened yesterday and maybe got the better of me“- confusion promotes anxiety, anxiety promotes confusion; clarity promotes calm.

“I just don’t understand anything. How could he have chosen the other guy?“- ask him clear questions, gently inquire, like I suggested in my last post to you, three days ago. There is a saying that’s very popular, it originated in the bible (Matthew 7:7): “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”, generally interpreted as an encouragement to ask for what you want or need: ask for/ seek the information that you need and you will find it.

“So… apparently he still gets jealous?“- yes, but a person’s jealousy does not in itself indicate love or depth of love, or commitment. It’s usually an emotional experience of childhood re-appearing in adulthood.

“At the end of the call, half out of habit, I said ‘I love you’. He blushed, scrunched up his eyes and then whispered into the phone ‘I love you’“- from his reaction here and from his reaction in the past (which you shared about) seems like he is uncomfortable with the words I-love-you. (This is something you may want to ask him) .

“Then yesterday my anxiety grew, seemingly from nowhere…  I said I was feeling down to him, he said focus on the good things in life. “I don’t have any”. His reply “you have your visit here, your nephews”. I asked if he meant ‘the one that’s happened?‘ – my hope overwhelmed me there and I had thought maybe he was referring to a future visit. I asked twice and he replied ‘is there a problem?’… um.. no?‘“- putting myself in his shoes, I too would not know what to say to make you feel better and would feel uncomfortable. It’s  a difficult place to be, the place he was in, in that part of the conversation, not knowing what to say.

“I said I would have to forget everything. That I still have hope for us but it’s all an illusion, my love for him misleading me. He replied ‘I know how you are feeling’“- maybe he was trying his best to make you feel better, but there was no way to make you feel better.

“I said on Saturday talking about things gave me hope… but… ‘Oh what’s the point in talking  more’… I said ‘really? You don’t want to talk to me anymore? You were so open and now so closed again, it doesn’t make sense’, ‘I was studying, of course I want to talk to you, haha, I’m going to do yoga‘”- I agree with him that there was no point talking more during that conversation. You were too upset, too sulky during that conversation to make good sense.

“A creeping thought is that he indeed loves his boyfriend more than me. Or he thinks he does. But then, isn’t that me refusing to believe someone could love me genuinely? Being perhaps a bit sulky (a tendency I have)“- (1) better not have a conversation with him when you feel sulky. (2) I think that yes, part of you refuses to believe someone could love you genuinely.

How are you feeling now?

anita

Dear Ben: I am sorry to read that you are feeling lost and confused today. It is night time here and I will answer you further in about 7 or 8 hours from now, first thing in the morning. Please distract yourself with some positive activity, maybe a walk or some other aerobic exercise,, Take good care of yourself today.

anita

Der Arden:

When I read “It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.” it make me burst into tears since I kind of guessed, now Anita will compare yoga into something and that will make brilliant sense.

“I just wanted my yoga to stay calm, without any interference. And she asked me a few questions while doing it, like, can you do that pose, can you do that one, or this one…. when you think about it, I have no reason to be ambitious on those practices. Whatever I feel like doing should be okay. I felt like she was able to do some poses and then compared herself to me“- reads like she was competitive with you, and this is not what yoga is supposed to be: it’s supposed to be calming, to promote contentment, not competition.

Connecting this to the reply I just sent you on your newer thread, she brought drama into your yoga, and yoga is supposed to be drama-free!

“I am not sure but I might’ve been even passive aggressive about some stuff, which I actually hate and cannot stand in other people. I will observe myself“- I never noticed passive-aggressive behavior on your part, not toward me and not toward the people in your life about whom you shared.

“I can sometimes just hide, in terms of what I feel. Then I (learn) new ways to express those hidden feelings. Maybe in the past, I never expressed them. But now, I really want to express“- you’ve been doing an excellent job expressing yourself, just like I wrote to you in my reply in your other thread less than half an hour ago (before reading your post on this thread): “what a genuine, spontaneous expression on your part, I appreciate it greatly!”

anita

Dear Shookie, My Friend:

“The tree is mine & he says it’s his.  When he gets back it will belong to the wildlife“- are you afraid a bit of the neighbor’s reaction when he finds out that you cut the tree he claims to be his (partly on his property?) Or are you more afraid of another lightening?

“I have many nests for the animals which have been since before my mother passed.  I have seen several red foxes & their kits.  Two mama skunks with her babies…  I have a deer feeder, which of course, the mean neighbor does not like.  It’s my property. … I prefer animals over most people… I Love Stash, Izzy and Takeda so much.  Since I stopped letting them go outside they have turned into Luv bugs“-

My little study this Mon morning- From better help. com/ people who love animals more than people (I am adding the boldface and italic features):  “In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look why it sometimes feels like we care more our pets more than our next-door neighbors…Spending time with a pet has been found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, and release chemicals that trigger relaxation even when there’s a lot on your plate. As mentioned, pets also increase social support, which has been found to improve cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune function. Overall, pet owners are just healthier (both physically and mentally) than those who don’t own pets”!
<p dir=”ltr”>From being human. org/ what do you call a person who loves animals more than humans: “1. Animals give us unconditional love. They don’t care about our flaws or mistakes; they love us just as we are.  Whether a dog wagging its tail or a cat purring on our lap, their affection for us is pure and genuine. This kind of love and devotion is hard in human relationships. 2. They are very appreciative… for even the smallest acts of kindness.  Be it a treat, a gentle touch, or spending time together, they often display gratitude and respond with affection and happiness… 3. Animals don’t judge you. They don’t care about our social status, wealth, or appearance… 4. Innocence and Simplicity…They have a purity and naivety that is refreshing in today’s complex and often cynical world… 5. Unlike humans, animals aren’t always asking for something. They don’t have hidden agendas or ulterior motives. They are content with simple pleasures like food, shelter, and love. And this can be attractive to individuals who find relief in relationships without constant requests or obligations.  6. They protect us…The protective nature of animals can create a deep sense of trust and reliance, leading to a preference for their company over humans. 7. Animals are gentle... From a kitten’s soft purr to a rabbit’s warm snuggles, animals have a calming presence that can make even the most stressful day disappear.  Animals often exhibit kindness, tenderness, and a lack of malice, which appeals to individuals seeking peace and harmony. 8. They are loyal. Loyalty is something many people cherish and look for in relationships. Animals, particularly pets, are known for their unwavering loyalty… 9. Animals can calm us down. The presence of animals has a calming effect on human beings. Interacting with animals, petting them, or simply being in their company can reduce stress and promote relaxation. 10. Lack of Expectations. Human relationships often come with a set of expectations and complexities. In contrast, relationships with animals are often more straightforward”.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I’d like to be more of these things (words taken from the above article): to love people just as they are, with no preference for some over others because of social status, wealth and appearance; to express pure and genuine, innocent and simple affection, to be straightforward (to have no hidden agendas or unexpressed motives, no demands…  no unnecessary complexities when interacting with people); to be appreciative for the smallest acts of kindness; to find contentment in the simple pleasures of life; to protect others and be loyal, to promote the trust of others; to be gentle, kind, and tender; to promote peace and harmony (no malice); to have a calming effect on people.</p>
Back to your recent post: “I am learning to appreciate the life I had growing up instead of thinking about just getting older.  I realized I had the best parents I could have asked for & an exciting life and fun jobs…  Memories stay with you forever & it makes me so happy.  I hope you are happy and doing well“- it makes me happy to read that you are happy. Your happiness promotes my own!

anita

Dear Arden:

A thought I had for a while, reading your recent Aug- Sept posts of this year: I see a lot of improvement, a lot of progress in your emotional well-being and I am happy to see it! (I think that you changing your screen name and adding fun emojis are evidence of this improvement?)

Also, good to read that you are moving. Last you shared, in the previous thread,  was that your rent increased by a lot, so I am guessing it’s the reason for the move?

In regard to this thread, I understand your distress regarding this friend- as well intended as she is-  invading your privacy, and interrupting your alone-time, and your ways of organizing and doing things. I think that I would feel similarly if I was in your shoes. I remember that you shared about spending a lot of time alone growing up (as did I). For an introverted person, like you and me, there is anxiety involved in being around people, and calm when alone. We still need people (being the social animals that we were born to be), but we also need enough of alone time so to lower our stress level.

“The fact that I think about this; seems a bit like a bad behavior of mine!? I am questioning my own good will here. I always need my space, I need time to process, to think, to sit still in silence“- I don’t think that your need for alone-time, for your own space, to “sit still in silence” is a bad need, nor do I think that your annoyance with this friend is a bad feeling. Your need and feelings are valid and should be respected- by yourself and by any friend who is a true friend (once they are aware of what it is that your need).

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome and thank you (!) for being the caring person that you are. You being a caring person (caring to answer me, to let me know that you didn’t take my last post offensively, telling me that I’ve been helpful to you, graciously accommodating my request for shorter posts, and more), makes it easy for me to feel so positively about you!

* Please let me know if my posts are too long for you.

So, he told you (after the breakup?)  the following: “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you“, and: “We will figure this out and get through this together“, but left you on read since Tues night, Tues-Sun, 4+ days, while posting a new video of himself socializing in a restaurant.

Like I said before, it takes so little energy and time to utter words. This is why so many people utter too many words. I do too (and need to limit this tendency further), but I am careful about uttering promises. He promised you to figure this out and go through this together, but didn’t deliver on his promise.

Also, like I suggested before, he often told you what you needed to hear. I think that hearing what you needed to hear from him caused you to become as emotionally attached to him as you are.

* I wonder if some of what he told you (ex., the promise I boldfaced above) are sentences he heard his PhD psychologist parents tell, and he repeats them…

“When I was 12 years old, I choked on a cough drop and nearly died. and developed a severe choking and swallowing phobia…. At 26, it was discovered I also have Eosinophilic esophagitis… I’ve been reading a lot into health anxiety/OCD and I’m beginning to wonder if this is overlapping with my extreme rumination and obsessive thinking..“-

– I read what you shared attentively. There is a mix of physical and mental symptoms & factors affecting each other (“factors triggering each other“, your words). My therapist at the time used to repeatedly say: everything is physical. And it is true: without the brain and body (which are physical), there wouldn’t be anything  that’s mental. What we experience as mental/ psychological happens as a result of the physical activities of our physical nervous and endocrine systems (nerve tissue,  hormones).

Here is how I (not a professional of any kind, just a member here) see it (the italicized are your words): choking on a cough drop (12)=> a severe choking and swallowing phobia=> severe CHRONIC STRESS (high levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, released into the blood and reaching every organ of the body) => Eosinophilic Esophagitis, an inflammation of the esophagus (at 26 it was discovered).

Eosinophils are a type of white blood cells whose function is to fight infection; they are part of the immune system. Eosinophilic Esophagitis is a condition where eosinophils are found in the esophagus, where they are not normally present.

From cleveland clinic. org/ what happens when your immune system gets stressed out (I am adding the boldface feature): “In short spurts, cortisol can boost your immunity by limiting inflammation. But over time, your body can get used to having too much cortisol in your blood. And this opens the door for more inflammation… High stress levels also can cause depression and anxiety, again leading to higher levels of inflammation”.

Anxiety and depression (high, chronic levels of stress) hurt the functioning of the immune system and lead to inflammation. The body’s weakened immune system does not effectively fight the pathogens that cause inflammation (or the body’s immune system attacks the body it’s supposed to protect).

I found a study by the National Library of Medicine, in regard to EoE (Eosinophilic Esophagitis) very interesting. The results of this study indicate that (1) although more EoE sufferers (than the normal population) suffer from anxiety and depression, not all EoE sufferers also suffer from anxiety and depression, and (2) most of those suffering from anxiety and depression as a result of EoE, suffer at the ages of 18-35 (makes me hope that at 31, you are close to an age of.. less suffering).

From the study : “A considerable proportion of adult EoE patients suffers from mental distress, with a 3‐fold risk of significant anxiety in those patients younger than 35 years… In conclusion, we observed a substantial presence of mental distress among adult EoE patients, with a compelling 3‐fold risk of significant signs of anxiety during young adulthood (18–35 years)”.

You shared that as a result of your choking and swallowing phobia, you lost a lot of weight and was very thin in 7th grade,  “was accused of being anorexic in school“, and it’s part of the reason why you “still don’t feel physically like a woman“, feeling that “men see a child” when they look at you, even though you gained weight since. Interestingly, I was a very thin, underdeveloped girl growing up, the smallest girl in every class, way, way less feminine than the great majority of my school peers.

“I felt incredibly alone in my health struggles since it was never resolved… I genuinely fear I have developed some form of OCD from this. Every single day, I can have the slightest physical sensation and I have to talk myself down or need to seek reassurance that I’m not in danger. It’s EXTREME and I can’t be talked out of things. It’s ruined my life and my relationships. I’ve been reading a lot into health anxiety/OCD and I’m beginning to wonder if this is overlapping with my extreme rumination and obsessive thinking and need to “figure out’ my relationship and breakup as well. The amount of reassurance seeking with this breakup is absolutely depleting me and everyone I reach out to”–

– it makes sense that chronic stress will lead to OCD. It did in my case. Chronic stress/ chronic high levels of cortisol harmed me physically: I developed motor and vocal tics that started at the age of 5 or 6, as far as I know (diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of 26), a condition that lowered my quality of life by A LOT: not only because of the embarrassment about being observed (and heard) tic-ing, but also because of the physical tension that is involved with the tics. Interestingly (and it connected to what I read and commented about above), I talked to people who were also diagnosed with Tourette’s, and those I talked with said that they don’t suffer the physical, very uncomfortable tension and anxiety that I experience along with the tics.

I was also diagnosed with OCD at the age of 26, about 20 years after the beginning of my obsessions and compulsions (such as turning right three times and then turning left three times, turning lights on and off and many more). All my physical compulsions are gone at this point, and tics are less severe, but still bad enough to cause me physical distress all through the day, every day.

CHRONIC STRESS harms the body in various ways. We are just not meant to be too stressed for too long.

“This makes me worry that every subsequent relationship will be met with this issue. My constant compulsion to seek reassurance is the only thing that makes me feel momentarily safe. CBT was helpful to learn about my family issues, but never remotely helped my obsessions and compulsions related to my health anxiety“-

-no matter all the healing I experienced, I still suffer from tics. It may very well be a permanent damage. Or maybe I don’t have enough years to allow all possible healing to take place. Repeating the Serenity Prayer helps me: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

I hope to talk more with you about all of this, so much to talk about…?

anita

Dear Arden:

And I am excited to receive your replies. I thought that you noticed that I was back but didn’t care, or maybe was angry at me… so pleased to read a different sentiment! You are responsible for my first smile today, thank you! I will reply further in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear Ben:

I don’t know if I mentioned it to you before, but the way I normally respond to posts is to read the first sentence the first couple- few sentences, respond to those before reading what’s next, then reading the next sentence, respond to it, etc.

“He said he felt a lot better, but said ‘because of one man’ – a part of it hoped it was me… but.. it was ‘Jesus’… hmm. I think it was me because he felt better from our previous conversation. But, ok. That hurt me“-

– earlier (before talking to you) he may have given you, Ben, credit for him feeling much better, and much later he thought about Jesus. You only know of the thoughts that he expresses to you during the very limited time of your communication. There are so many, many thoughts going through a person’s mind in an hour, often within a minute. Expecting the thought favorable to you to occur in his mind at just the right time for you..  is unrealistic. It’s like trying to put a leash on a squirrel- it’s not going to work: the squirrel is too fast and agile to accommodate a leash, and so are a person’s thoughts.

Your hurt was based on an unrealistic expectation.

“I said I felt far from him, he said ‘didn’t you listen to what I said yesterday? or did it go in one ear and out the other?’… I think I had gotten a little carried away based on that call from Thursday where he was very sincere and in this one, at least at the beginning, he seemed a bit like he was avoiding talking about anything ‘deeper’“-

– you expect him to think and feel X when, and to the extent that you want him to?

“But then, of course, he’s not obligated to!“- I don’t think that it is a matter of obligation. I think that neither him nor any person in the whole wide world, is able to think and feel just what another person wants them to. Even if he wanted to tell you just what you want to hear, he can’t read your mind: he can’t know- until you tell him- what it is that you are thinking and hoping that he’ll say at this or that particular moment.

“I think there maybe my anxiety got the better of me (perhaps one coffee too many that day haha).“-  when our anxiety goes up, our thinking-quality goes down. (calming herb tea perhaps..?)

“I said I had told my parents about it all (which shows growth from my previous thread!), he said ‘oh so they hate me now’ – not really, my mother I think understands the nuances of the situation. My father has a simpler explanation ‘you were used, you were merely a f**k’“- (1) your father jumped to this conclusion, and he was crude about expressing it. I wish he was gentler. (2) congratulations for the growth you accomplished since your previous thread, for having a better communication with your parents. I hope that you do expect (and it will be realistic to expect, in this case) that you will continue to receive nuanced responses from your mother and black-and-white/ all-or-nothing/ jumping-to-conclusions responses from your father.

“When I told him about this (I don’t actually think that deep down, again I think it’s an anxiety that I keep giving him to resolve) he was a little defensive about it and explained how he hadn’t etc.“- (1) from what you shared and my understanding of it, I too think that what your father said is untrue, (2) giving him (or anyone but yourself) the job of resolving your anxiety is not going too work. Taking on the job yourself is a long-term project that takes a lot of work, persistence and perseverance.

“He had constantly asked me, when we were ‘together’, ‘are you happy with this? do you want to continue? are you prepared to go through with this?’ – he reminded me.  I had always said I was. I didn’t manage to say ‘well, I was because it was based on an assumption you would be able to end it with your boyfriend’“- (1) Again, based on what you shared, including what I just read in this paragraph for the first time, seems to me that he is an honest guy. (2) Your hope that he ends his other relationship is understandable.

“He seemed sad again that he wouldn’t be coming to England. ‘Even if I had broken up and I was going there, I think my family would have thought I was using you for money’. He said his mother offers him all the support she can (though she can’t offer help financially), his father never gives him anything (his parents are divorced). I know his family is very important to him“- (1) Again, reads like an honest guy, and caring to not even be thought of as one who uses another for money, (2) So, one strong reason he is staying in Brazil is so to remain close to his mother?

“He asked me ‘would you, after all of this, still get back together with me?’ – I said I have to be honest and that I would. He said he would too… I said to him ‘well, for me, it is easy, it is 100% clear, I love you in a way I haven’t loved anyone else before. But, for you, it is complicated, you feel the same, I assume, but you have your whole life situation’“- honest on both sides, and perfectly articulated by you!

“At one point he said ‘maybe our love story isn’t over’. I said… all that I had promised him was only a call away. That our future could still happen. I said to him that ‘I think what we share is so special, it would be the saddest thing in my life to let it drift away or to simply keep it locked up in a cupboard’. During this he had expressed agreement…  I did even mention to him ‘for me, when you say you feel this connection with me that’s so special, so different, how can it be so hard to choose!?’ – but I quickly said ‘But, of course, I don’t know what’s in your heart, your head, I cannot force you, it is your own journey”. I ‘need’ to know what his relationship with his boyfriend really means to him, but of course, I can’t really pry into that from my position“-

– to pry: to inquire too closely into a person’s private affairs. Don’t pry but gently inquire about his state of mind in regard to his boyfriend: ask him a question about it, a simple question, an honest question, no accusation or judgment of any kind. The expressed feelings on both sides give validity to such inquiry.

“When it was time to finish, he said it was a very good, productive conversation, with a lot of information. I think I learned that through this I will have to control my hope a little more, as it is so easily reinvigorated and so sensitive to what he says and what I think he is meaning when really I can’t tell.“- (1) I agree: it was a very good, productive, informative conversation (and for me- inspiring!). (2)  I also agree that you can’t tell what he means behind what he says (you can’t read his mind, etc., as I expressed at the beginning of this post), (3) And I agree that you should tame your hope- and the anxiety/ oversensitivity (to what he says at any one time) that goes with it.

anita