Dear Sunoo:

You shared that your mother is 60 years old, suffering from HBP (high blood pressure), diabetes and severe back pain. Also, she suffers from a difficulty with, or an inability to say No to her adult daughters and does not speak up for herself. She becomes so stressed at times that she can’t get enough sleep.

You are 23, currently living with (1) your mother, (2) the youngest of your five sisters, a single young woman who works from home, (3)  the oldest of your sisters who is very busy with pursuing her PhD and is waiting for her husband to find residence nearby, (4) your oldest sister’s 2-year-old daughter, (4) frequently with one of your married sister’s daughter, a 4-year-old who you or your youngest sister often picks her up from school at noon, bathe and feed her, and she stays with you until evening, and sometimes overnight, (5) a cat.

You are scheduled to start an internship in March at a location far from home and your considered plan is that you and your youngest sister, two single women, will be moving away from home, leaving your mother behind. You are worried that if that happens, she will handle all the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores because the #1 priority and singular focus of the only other adult in the house, your oldest sister’s, is her PhD studies and taking care of her 2-year-old. And that this will be to physically demanding of her, given her health issues.

Therefore, you are considering moving close to your internship location with your youngest sister and with your mother, but you worry that it will be a financial strain for you and for your youngest sister because your internship allowance is limited as well as her salary (Option 1).

You are also considering not moving at all for your internship, and instead commuting daily, which will be exhausting for you, and because you will not be spending much time home, it will not significantly alleviate your mother’s burden (Option 2).

You are considering moving and hiring help for the household chores back home, but you worry that your mother will do the work regardless, and you are concerned with the cost (Option 3)

“I want my MOTHER (to) lead a peaceful life in her 60’s… I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success… I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself… I speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority“-

– My thoughts: your mother is in the habit, so you wrote (“She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit“), of not saying No to her adult daughters. She is also in the habit of cleaning and cooking and otherwise taking care of her adult daughters and granddaughters. She is in the habit taking on her daughters’ responsibilities upon herself. This means that possibly, she will resist your plan to remove her from her current location and activities, and that if she moves away with you, she might want to go back to where she is at now.

I imagine that she finds a meaning to her life, a calling, if you will, to work for and help her daughters and granddaughters, and that if you remove her from her calling, she will be very uncomfortable and very distressed. I imagine that she will insist on taking care of you and of your younger sister in the new location, so much so, that she will burden the two of you with over-working for you, over helping.

You want her to “lead a peaceful life in her 60s“, but if the stress is within her, as in a mental-emotional habit.. a different location, different physical circumstances (even luxury!) are not likely to change her habit. Rationally, you’d think that it’d be good for your mother’s health to live away from her current responsibilities, but strangely perhaps, it’s her current lifestyle that -although brought about her health issues- is also keeping her alive.

What do you think, Sunoo, about what I’m thinking…?

anita

Dear Renn:

You are welcome! I will read and reply to you Mon morning (it is Sun 12:41 pm here).

anita

Dear Rebecca:

You are welcome!

“My childhood was a mess… internalised a lot of unhelpful ‘messages ‘ and would like to be free from them, but time is running out as I’m at retirement age. I don’t have the resources to pay for therapy“- in the context of self-help (free of charge), you are welcome to share here about your messy childhood and the unhelpful “messages” you received back then.

And I can share with you about my messy childhood and the unhelpful messages I received back then. Maybe it will help you to free yourself from those messages.  It’s not too late to be free at your age.

“As for forgiving myself, it’s all blurring into one now“- I didn’t understand this sentence.

anita

Dear Rebecca:

In my reply here I will refer to karma as the idea, or principle of Cause and Effect, meaning that what we say and do affects (has an effect on) other people, and what they say and do affects (has an effect on) us. It’s a simple idea, something that supposedly everyone knows, right? But not so. For example, my mother used to say terribly hurtful things to me. When I complained about it somehow (as a teenager), she told me that her hurtful words should have no effect on me, that there was something wrong with me for taking offense. She didn’t see herself (or if she did, she didn’t present herself to me) as the Cause of my hurt feelings, and therefore, she continued to verbally offend me.

When we are aware of the principle of Cause and Effect, and we care to not offend others, then we are motivated to be selective as to our words and actions, so to not offend or harm others.

The way I see it,  we live in a world where all humans (who are old enough) are harming others, and unnecessarily so. Some more than others, some less frequently.. in different ways,  but we are all stuck in a world where we harm and are harmed. To put it in a different way: there is and has been for centuries so much harm in the world, that no one is free from harm: not as the receiver of harm, and not as the giver of harm.

This is not to say that harming others is okay, no, not at all. What I am saying is that if you expect yourself to never harm anyone, you are setting an unrealistic expectation for yourself, and in so doing, you’d be stuck in shame and guilt forevermore. And if you expect this from others, you are setting an unrealistic expectations for them, and you will be stuck in distrust of all.

The solution, if such was possible, would be for every individual to be aware of the principle of Cause and Effect and care to do-no-harm. To have it as a value and a goal to not harm others, while not expecting perfection in this regard. We need to tolerate and endure the fact that sometimes we will hurt other people’s feelings.. by mistake, because we didn’t think through something we said before saying it.

You suggested in your original post, as I understand it,  that you were assaulted because maybe you did something wrong: “If it was concerning something I did, I think it was a very long time ago .I.e. childhood“- do you feel guilty for something that you have done as a child, a wrongdoing of some kind, something that is difficult for you to forgive yourself for?

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You are welcome. “I have parents who achieved a lot in their life“- not their lives, but their life, singular.

“They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t have you in it.

“They are happier not being around me“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t want you in; keeping you out, exiled.

“I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society“- alone, rejected by your parents (a child’s first society)=> alone, rejected by society at large.

“My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when I am depressed“-  and in so doing, rewarding your depression.

“and when I have achieved something great.. she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesn’t look happy“- and in so doing, punishing you for achieving.

“My sibling also gets very jealous if I achieve something and she goes quiet if I need help“- your sibling also gets very jealous if you achieve, meaning your mother gets very jealous when you achieve.

“I live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone“- just as you were trained to do by your first society, that self-contained unit.

“People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly I don’t“- your mother, father and sister are 3 people who are not attracted to you when you achieve something toward having it all together. Instead, they are repelled, going a bit quiet, pulling away from you.

“I lose jobs, men and friends and I don’t have answers to why things happen. I’m not proactive, I don’t have plans or ideas of what to do“- no one is more of a people-pleaser than a young child when it comes to the motivation to please one’s parents, so to getting their approval, and to avoid their rejection and aggression (however small that aggression seems from an adult’s perspective).

By losing jobs, men and friends and having no plans or ideas of what to do, are you still trying to please your parents, that one self-contained unit?

“There is potential for me to feel better. I just kind of wish I could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up.. instead of waiting for things to change. I don’t know why I have such apathy.“- is it that you are still waiting for that self-contained unit to open up for you and let you in (and give you their stamp of approval), and only when that happens, then you will be motivated to move, change, shake your life up and actualize your potential?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

I am glad to read that you are attached to her less, good thing!

“I am still unable to sleep because I keep thinking stuff like: did I too much? Was I clingy? was I too caring?“- if you did too much, was too clingy and too caring, that’s okay. I mean, if you were these things, you can work on doing less, and being less clingy in the next relationship. It’s all about learning and correcting, or adjusting behaviors that need to be adjusted. It’s true for everyone, no one is born knowing everything… not even close. That’s why we have to learn.

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You shared that you are feeling very depleted and very lonely, that you lost your job last year, and you lost your side-work this past week, that you feel targeted by people, like a guy who passed you on the street, walking with his girlfriend, motioning to you and chuckling, and that you were “cyberbullied by a bunch of celebrities“-

– can you elaborate on this part, having been cyberbullied by celebrities?

“Lately I feel everything is a rejection.. there is something really wrong if things go this badly for one person. I diligently did my jobs, I was there, present for friends and family and yet.. I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society.“-

– I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and that you’ve been feeling badly for a long, long time. I know how it feels to be alone and rejected by society. I felt dreadfully lonely much of my life, starting in childhood. If I may ask, did you feel rejected by your family of origin, when you were a child?

anita

Dear Alina:

“He was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel. He is same age as me but he didn’t even finish his university yet! Last 1.5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!“- I think that when you met him he had low self-esteem, he was depressed, overeating, overweight and feeling ashamed of himself.

“We were both in different gulf Arabic countries and these countries were very near to each other. His country is very strict and he couldn’t date freely in his country, so for him it was easy to fly to me whenever he wanted and going on dates, restaurants, hotels freely in my working country cuz… no one knew him“- no one knew him in your working country, so there.. he felt that he could re-invent himself and be someone he’d be proud to be!

“He suddenly became SOO ‘ambitious’ when I came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends…. going out of depression… He was acting like he is very rich, very responsible, very mature, serious guy. In the first month of relationship he was telling me ‘I want to take care of you, I want to spoil you, I promise I will make ur life a paradise’“-  he reinvented himself to be the hero in a romantic movie that he scripted and directed: the rich, leaner, in-shape, capable and confident romantic character, a prince.. like in movies he saw.

“When I was working, he idealized me so so much“- he was the hero, the prince in his movie, and you were the heroine, the princess.

And then, you left your working country (the setting of the movie) and the movie ended.

When you were back in your birth country, he blamed you for what he blamed himself, projecting his self-blame/ shame into you: “He blamed me for not doing anything, for just sleeping and eating“.

“He told me the same when he was breaking up with me, he told ‘its not you, its me. I don’t deserve you because I cant provide this relationship what it needs’ But i didn’t believe him I thought it’s only BS reason to leave me.. but after your comment I really understood it thank you so much“- you are welcome. At the point of the breakup, he was far removed from the character he played in that movie, so he told you how he felt.

“You are right, he cannot even depend on himself and all these showing off was a lie“- not more a lie than a movie being a lie. I think that the movie he played in was about his wishful thinking, his make-believe. He thought that he could make a short cut in life and magically be who he wished to be.. in a country where no one knew him, with a woman who wanted him by her side.

I don’t think that he cold-heartedly manipulated and lied to you. I think that he was able to play a role and believe in his role. But it couldn’t last, even if you stayed in your working country. The role couldn’t have become him no matter where you lived and worked, and no matter how hard you tried to make him feel valuable and loved.

I think that his shame took a strong hold in him when he was a child/ teenager. It is very difficult to heal from toxic shame, it takes a lot of work, real-life work, as in psychotherapy.

“He wants to be someone but yet he couldn’t have any status in life, so maybe really he couldn’t handle me and my love“-he didn’t feel that he deserved your love because he was back to feeling intensely ashamed of himself.

“I never even thought ever about his weight, muscles or his job or how much money he has. His love was so conditional to me.. I just still cant believe how a person can change suddenly after building emotional connection with me.. so sad really“- I don’t think that the change was from him loving you to not loving you. I think that the change was from him acting in a fancy, wishful-thinking, make-believe movie=>  back to his real-life where shame does not allow him to love … anyone. And yes, it is really sad.

What do you think/ feel about my input in this post?

anita