It sounds like you’ve tried to make amends for your past immaturity and the misunderstandings as best you can, but these guys aren’t interested in forming deep connections with you. Maybe they can’t get past feelings of hurt and mistrust, but there’s nothing you can do to control that. You’ve matured and grown, and that will help you make new connections. I think your instinct to let that chapter close is correct. That doesn’t mean you have to fall out with them, definitely don’t do a big drama scene and flounce out of the WhatsApp group or anything, but let their treatment of you be a benchmark of how you treat them. These are people you can politely socialise with, so don’t burn any bridges, but they are not your “tribe”. This article by Mark Manson talks about romantic relationships, but the principles can be applied to friendships too.

https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Graduate studies are challenging, but also universities are great places to meet likeminded people. Maybe join (or set up) a board game society, or something similarly social, to practice your social skills and widen your circle. It takes time, but you’ll get there. Good luck.

He does not get to decide what a “real woman” is. I promise you, you are a real woman. Real women have needs. These needs include family and friendships as well as a romantic partner. I get the strong sense that the universe is challenging you to meet those needs, and not sacrifice yourself on the altar of his ego. The article below may be helpful, too.

http://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/

I would gently suggest that you do break up with him. He can’t give you what you need from a relationship. Some people get a lot of emotional support from their family and friends, and can therefore do very well in a relationship with someone who can’t give them that, but it sounds like you’re not one of those people. And that’s okay – plenty of people want their primary source of comfort to be their partner. It’s likely breaking his heart that he can’t give you what you need, and drawing it out longer is just limiting both of your chances to find the right people.

I have developed extremely negative views about cannabis over the years. I used to be very open minded about it, but having seen so many people go from bright, articulate, gentle souls to depressive potheads… I can’t stand the stuff. Just one person’s opinion, of course.

Hi Jack

Yes, I see my life as a gift. The very act of breathing is a gift.

As for the severely disabled – my experience has been, as with most things, it depends on the person. Some see the joy in the smallest of things, others don’t.

My advice would be to get another doctor – one who understands depression. Sometimes, thinking positively isn’t enough, it’s like trying to walk out a cramp when the problem is a broken leg. It can actually make things worse.

My experience… I was on anti depressants for a year – best decision I ever made. I do still have *mild* depression occasionally, but that can be managed with mindfulness, etc.

“But that’s just silly…”

That really resonated with me. As Andrew Solomon says (link below, slightly paraphrased), “the thing that often gets lost with depression is that you know it’s ridiculous, even while you’re experiencing it… and yet, you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it”

I’ll probably get nailed to the wall for saying this, but I have to speak my Truth as I see it.

Dude, you haven’t tried medication in ten years, and the last time you tried it, your brain structure was VERY different. Antidepressants are known to be problematic in adolescents, and have anyway come a LONG way in a decade.

IF you’ve tried everything else – excercise, meditation, talking therapies, changing diet, cashew nuts (yep, they’re good) then for your own sake, and the sake of everyone who cares about you, stop being so proud and take your damn meds.

There are SO many myths surrounding deep, clinical depression, the most toxic one of which is, we can just snap out of it. Wish it away with positive thinking, or by changing our attitudes. Believe me, I’ve been where you are. I “fought” depression for 15 years until I had a massive breakdown in work. It debilitated me completely for over 8 months, and a year later, I’m *just* putting myself back together. The sooner you get help, the sooner you’ll start not needing it. Yep, you could fight this thing yourself, and maybe, in another 3 or 4 years, you’ll get a handle on it. Maybe forever, maybe just for a while. But you’ll NEVER get those 3-4 years back again.

All the advice about diet, attitude and exercise is good advice and you should follow it, just as any other sick person, from cancer to a cold, should. But we don’t expect anyone to get over any other life threatening illnesses without meds – why do we think “mental illness” is so different? The brain is a part of the body, no different to the pancreas or the liver. Try everything else – then take your meds.

I know it’s frightening. I didn’t want to do it either – I thought I’d lose myself, become somehow less authentically “me”. I can assure you, that hasn’t happened. I’m me, just with less bad days, and the ability to feel my passion again.

Good luck x