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It sounds like you’ve tried to make amends for your past immaturity and the misunderstandings as best you can, but these guys aren’t interested in forming deep connections with you. Maybe they can’t get past feelings of hurt and mistrust, but there’s nothing you can do to control that. You’ve matured and grown, and that will help you make new connections. I think your instinct to let that chapter close is correct. That doesn’t mean you have to fall out with them, definitely don’t do a big drama scene and flounce out of the WhatsApp group or anything, but let their treatment of you be a benchmark of how you treat them. These are people you can politely socialise with, so don’t burn any bridges, but they are not your “tribe”. This article by Mark Manson talks about romantic relationships, but the principles can be applied to friendships too.
Graduate studies are challenging, but also universities are great places to meet likeminded people. Maybe join (or set up) a board game society, or something similarly social, to practice your social skills and widen your circle. It takes time, but you’ll get there. Good luck.
Please do not tell yourself the lie that you were put on this earth to provide joy to a man who doesn’t know how to be happy in his own life. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Do not be the hot fudge sauce on his plain vanilla life. His life is HIS responsibility. If he’s not happy in his marriage, it’s his job to work on it, or end it. Do not sacrifice your life to make his easier. No matter how angry or disappointed he gets. He is not a child – he will get over it, as will you, in time.
He does not get to decide what a “real woman” is. I promise you, you are a real woman. Real women have needs. These needs include family and friendships as well as a romantic partner. I get the strong sense that the universe is challenging you to meet those needs, and not sacrifice yourself on the altar of his ego. The article below may be helpful, too.August 22, 2016 at 3:03 pm in reply to: Lied to a good friend, now she won't speak to me. Can I mend the friendshio? #113030
This jumped out at me:
> . If I couldn’t have her as a girlfriend, then I didn’t want her. What kind of person does that?
The kind of person who does that, is the kind of person who knows their limits. It’s a person who knows that trying to be “friends” with someone they have feelings for is not authentic and true to themselves. As you’ve seen, when we deny the truth of ourselves, things get very complicated very quickly. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, and that you miss your friend
I would gently suggest that you do break up with him. He can’t give you what you need from a relationship. Some people get a lot of emotional support from their family and friends, and can therefore do very well in a relationship with someone who can’t give them that, but it sounds like you’re not one of those people. And that’s okay – plenty of people want their primary source of comfort to be their partner. It’s likely breaking his heart that he can’t give you what you need, and drawing it out longer is just limiting both of your chances to find the right people.
If you guys could’ve fixed it, you would’ve. Allow yourself to believe that you each did the best you could, with the knowledge and skills you had at the time. It’s okay to move on and love someone else. I’m very happy for you 🙂May 5, 2016 at 10:55 am in reply to: In what ways can Cannabis support emotional maturity? #103639
I have developed extremely negative views about cannabis over the years. I used to be very open minded about it, but having seen so many people go from bright, articulate, gentle souls to depressive potheads… I can’t stand the stuff. Just one person’s opinion, of course.
Is your friend the kind of person who would be there for you if you were in trouble? Does she show up to your meetings on time, or in other ways show you that you’re important to her? If so, value her for her good qualities and forgive her for her imperfections. If she is thoughtless or careless with your feelings in other ways, it could be time to re-evaluate the friendship.
Yes, I see my life as a gift. The very act of breathing is a gift.
As for the severely disabled – my experience has been, as with most things, it depends on the person. Some see the joy in the smallest of things, others don’t.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, anita.
I think you’re right on every point. Intellectually, I don’t want him as a boyfriend, but I must admit there is a very, VERY small part of me that still daydreams about what might happen in the future, particularly when I’m not enjoying my present very much!
I need to appreciate what I have, focus on my own journey, and let everything else take shape as it will.
Thank you again 🙂
My advice would be to get another doctor – one who understands depression. Sometimes, thinking positively isn’t enough, it’s like trying to walk out a cramp when the problem is a broken leg. It can actually make things worse.
My experience… I was on anti depressants for a year – best decision I ever made. I do still have *mild* depression occasionally, but that can be managed with mindfulness, etc.
Your instincts are making you hyperalert for a reason, OP.
It’s been my experience (unfortunately) that when someone thinks there’s something up, there usually is.
“But that’s just silly…”
That really resonated with me. As Andrew Solomon says (link below, slightly paraphrased), “the thing that often gets lost with depression is that you know it’s ridiculous, even while you’re experiencing it… and yet, you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it”
Delighted to read your journey is going so well 🙂
I’ll probably get nailed to the wall for saying this, but I have to speak my Truth as I see it.
Dude, you haven’t tried medication in ten years, and the last time you tried it, your brain structure was VERY different. Antidepressants are known to be problematic in adolescents, and have anyway come a LONG way in a decade.
IF you’ve tried everything else – excercise, meditation, talking therapies, changing diet, cashew nuts (yep, they’re good) then for your own sake, and the sake of everyone who cares about you, stop being so proud and take your damn meds.
There are SO many myths surrounding deep, clinical depression, the most toxic one of which is, we can just snap out of it. Wish it away with positive thinking, or by changing our attitudes. Believe me, I’ve been where you are. I “fought” depression for 15 years until I had a massive breakdown in work. It debilitated me completely for over 8 months, and a year later, I’m *just* putting myself back together. The sooner you get help, the sooner you’ll start not needing it. Yep, you could fight this thing yourself, and maybe, in another 3 or 4 years, you’ll get a handle on it. Maybe forever, maybe just for a while. But you’ll NEVER get those 3-4 years back again.
All the advice about diet, attitude and exercise is good advice and you should follow it, just as any other sick person, from cancer to a cold, should. But we don’t expect anyone to get over any other life threatening illnesses without meds – why do we think “mental illness” is so different? The brain is a part of the body, no different to the pancreas or the liver. Try everything else – then take your meds.
I know it’s frightening. I didn’t want to do it either – I thought I’d lose myself, become somehow less authentically “me”. I can assure you, that hasn’t happened. I’m me, just with less bad days, and the ability to feel my passion again.
Good luck x