Hi Neil,

I understand better now. What’s most clear to me and I believe to anyone who read your post is that you are a decent and honest person. In my humble opinion, the most important quality in a parent is honesty and you got it.

It’s almost impossible not to deprive your children of the same things you were deprived of as a kid. As parents we tell ourselves in the beginning that we won’t repeat our parents’ mistakes, but we can’t help it. It may be unavoidable. Maybe it has  something to do with the wiring of our brains during our own development. I don’t know.

You couldn’t have predicted that any of your choices would have affected your daughter the way they did. Marriages fail every day, people re-marry, start over. Each kid is affected differently. Some do much better once their parents are apart; other don’t. Most of us parents are just as wounded as we were when we were 10, and just as we did on the playground back then, we search out others to help us feel better about ourselves, help us believe we actually have things somewhat together, that we’re succeeding in life. All of your left turns have been about that, don’t you think? No matter what the age, we humans are motivated to get our un-met needs met, even as parents. You have only been doing what you as a human being is innately motivated to do. I’m not trying to convince you that you did all the right things. I’m just saying that anybody, including a really good person, could find themselves in your exact situation. So when you say I turned her whole world upside down and will have inflicted on her views of the world, relationships, parenting, love and god knows what that her innocent mind did not have to be corrupted by, I say Oh yeah, Neil? Ok, then I’m guilty of all those things too. And so is every other parent. The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet is a TV show, Neil. (Did they have that show in the UK? If not, google it.) The reality is that every single day we parents are in the trenches fighting to not screw our kids up any more than we already have, and any more than our parents screwed us up.

When you were describing your dad in an earlier post, that’s the way I see my own dad. Exactly. And your mom, well, guess what…yep, exactly. If my mom had sat me down when I was 16 years old and honestly explained what was going on with her, I don’t know for sure but I think it would have made a very big difference in our relationship and my life. Instead I was confused and angry. If you explain what’s been going on with you to your daughter, apologize, and then be the best dad you can be every single day going forward, you’ll be healing wounds, both yours and hers. You’ll still make mistakes going forward but remember: every day is a new opportunity to do better than the day before, so keep at it, and admire yourself for doing just that. Those are always the best kinds of people, the ones who keep trying to improve, to be better people, and who never give up.

Oh and the other thing I’ll say is don’t expect things to go smoothly. You’re dealing with teenagers after all and you’re going to get hammered. No matter how many knocks you take, keep reminding yourself of your long-term objective. It’s the relationship’s overall trend, not the daily volatility, that you’re interested in, so don’t get distracted by the spikes and dips. Think stock market, Neil.

Are you considering walking away from this other relationship (the ‘pain’ part of your journey) because you feel your focus needs to be 100% on your daughters now?

B

Damn! Are you sure you’re not an English PhD? 🙂

So let’s break it down: 1) Currently you are physically safe, right? I mean you have a roof over your head, food and water, no one is threatening or harming you, right?  2) Currently your daughters are safe too, right? I mean they are not being harmed in any way?  If these are both true, then the enormous urgency to take this first scary step right now is that you can’t bear the torture that’s going on between your ears a second longer, nothing more, right? But we already determined that making a life-changing decision from an unhealthy mental state isn’t a wise move, didn’t we?

You may say, No,  that’s not quite accurate. The real urgency is that my daughters have been without their dad for too long and I need to fix that right now, and my answer to that would be No, if they are safe both physically and emotionally, then this decision can wait a little longer until your mental state is healthy.

Look, you and I are strangers typing on keyboards from two different continents, and through the exchange of only a handful of messages I can tell that you’re a very smart guy. You’ve been looking for various ways to escape your suffering for many years but every choice you’ve made has only increased your agony. So what if you just chilled out for a second, relaxed, took a deep breath, and took the time to understand real well exactly what it is you’re trying to escape. What if you stopped drinking, started exercising again, and focused real hard on stepping outside the chaos in your head and looking at your situation from an objective standpoint. What if you took, say, one month or 6 weeks to do these things religiously before deciding whether or not to take that first scary step? And what if during this time you looked down for a way out instead of up (as Peter suggested)?

Have you ever considered that the choices you made may have been crappy ones for you but the right ones for your girls? In other words, is it possible that your being away from them the past 3 years could have actually been better than the alternative for their wellbeing? The truth is that you may not have as much to feel guilty about as you think you do.

So back to what Peter said: Sometimes the way out isn’t up but down, and you may say: I’ve done that already and it hasn’t worked! Okay, fair enough. So let’s talk about that. What exactly have you done other than self-help books, audios, you-tube clips, inspirational quotes, and a few meds?

B

Hi Neil,

I can’t possibly know all you’re going through, but I know it’s very difficult. Remember: every morning is a new opportunity to try your best. Keep doing that and see what happens.

As a parent to teenagers, I know what it’s like to feel powerless. Sometimes the right decision is to comfort and care for ourselves first. After all, who ever said that we’re supposed to be experts at this job anyway? We are only human.

Hey Neil — don’t ever feel any pressure to post here. 🙂

Today I’m running all my Saturday errands that don’t get done during the work week. I live on the west coast.

I hope you have a nice day too!

B

Very well put, Peter. I’ll need to read your post a few more times before it all sinks in.

Neil,

You are right. I never gave much thought to the difference between regret and guilt so I guess those things I listed would be considered regrets…but then each was also a choice I made that directly hurt someone too… so I don’t know. I don’t dwell on them and each has served me well, that is, left me with that important nugget of truth, so I’m okay with it all. Many people say that when they die they’ll have “no regrets” — I’m just not one of them! 🙂

Regarding parenting, I think I’m a pretty good mom. No, the truth is I know I’m a great mom. The traps I fall into as a parent are what disappoint me. And there are many. Take the cell phone trap, for example. My husband and I were both leary of cell phones back in the beginning. For the longest time we held out, but you start feeling bad that your kids are missing out on those “crucial” group text messages their friends are sending each other.  So then the rationalizing starts: Well, if they were ever stranded on a diserted highway…so you give in, and then one day you realize your mistake.  That’s the trap!

I totally understand the frustration you’d have by not being guided academically as a kid. I’m thinking your mom’s depression affected you more than you let on — am I wrong? Are you on good terms with your sister and other brother?  (You don’t have to answer these, btw. Also, anita had posted earlier asking you a couple questions that I am so curious about too.)

B

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Brandy.

Hi Neil,

You are very welcome. This website is amazing. I’ve learned so much about myself here, so replying to you doesn’t come from an entirely unselfish place, to be honest.

Your insights on guilt are excellent! Recognizing that “little nugget of wisdom” within my guilt cycle is key I think, and what’s dangerous is when I ignore it, tell myself fictional stories to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty at all, or surround myself with “yes” people who tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth. I guess if I can fool other people then I’ve done nothing wrong, right? Ugh. Sadly, I’ve done this more than I care to admit.

I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting back into running/exercising, and I’m not just saying that; I’m a believer! I find that as I get older it gets exponentially more difficult to get fit again after taking a break, so no more breaks for me. So I do things like register early for community 10K races just to keep myself mentally and physically in the game. Outdoor exercise for a quick attitude adjustment is like magic, for me. Lap swimming as a cross training activity to running is also an idea if you have access to a pool.

I find alcohol somewhat tricky. I never drank it until I was a new mom and the ladies in my circle would periodically get together for a “girls night out” which always included some drinking. (I discovered early on what a ridiculous “lightweight” I am — 1-2 drinks tops). It’s fun and relaxes me for sure but ultimately makes me feel bad, both physically and mentally. I realized this during a period of my life when a family member was facing a serious illness that required surgeries, radiation, and a mountain of research on my part. The pain, uncertainty, and stress associated with this situation each seemed to double in size after a drink. (Not right away, though, but just after the buzz started to fade.) What I learned is that, for me, when I’m going through something tough, not feeling mentally sharp and physically good only makes things worse, takes my eye off the ball, and I lose my focus. I realize alcohol doesn’t affect others the way it affects me.

So, back to your situation. I think forgiving yourself is huge….no, actually, monumental. Feeling worthless and hating yourself will only keep you stuck in the wet cement. The people I admire most are the ones who have made mistakes but keep getting back up, keep trying to improve, to be better people. I guess I can relate to them much better than I can to all the “perfect” people out there. No one’s got it all figured out; this I know for sure. Each day we can only try our best to be better than we were the day before. (Omg, I guess I think I’m Tony Robbins now? That’s pretty nauseating.)

Thanks for the complement. I could never see counseling as a career for me though. Truthfully, that would be the blind leading the blind…lol.

B

Hi Dorothee,

If I were you, I would let that concern go, that is, that my frosh week experience won’t be as good as it is for those who live on campus. Here’s how my thinking would go:

1. My situation is that I am unable to live on campus this term.

2. I can’t change my situation right now. I need to accept it.

3. Since there is nothing I can do about having to live at home this term, I’m going to detach from my concern because I have the power to do that. Bye-bye, concern!

4. I’m so excited for frosh week, uni, and meeting new friends! I’m going to make it a great week! 🙂

B

Hi Neil,

I read your post twice. I’m unable to reply at this time but will within the next 24 hours.

Good choices happen when we’re in a healthy mental state, able to think things through logically, make good predictions and evaluate our options. You’ve been unhappy and struggling for so long, it’s no wonder that the choices you’ve made along the way turned out to be the wrong ones for you. Perhaps each was a simple attempt to persevere. The way I see it, the sequence of choices/events that led you to this point could have happened to anyone, including a really good person.

I’m so glad you reached out.

B

Hi Dorothee,

My main focus for university is to obviously earn the highest marks I can but I also want to have fun at the same time.

These are both great goals! I think another great one is to learn as much as you can while you’re there. Really learn, not just to get high marks but also to increase your knowledge in different areas. And it’s okay to question what you learn. Trust your instincts, do your own research, and draw your own conclusions.

…it still hurts whenever I think about the past, even though I know it is over and time for me to move on.

I think most people hurt when they think about certain parts of their pasts. I know I do! It’s part of being human, I think. But I believe that the hurt we feel can make us stronger. For example, take rejection. Rejection is awful and hurts terribly, but every time I get through the awful experience of being rejected I can feel how much stronger I am than before it happened. At first the hurt is really bad, and then one day I notice it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning, that I’m starting to feel a little better. Some days my feelings slip back to bad again, but over time the general trend is one of improvement, or feeling better.  And then I say to myself “Whew! You’re getting through this! You can handle this after all!” That makes me feel strong and proud of myself. It’s a process though; it doesn’t happen overnight, and this process can happen for different kinds of hurt, not just rejection.

What usually happens during frosh week of Uni? will I go to parties? is it as fun as everyone else says it is?

Each university has its own unique Frosh Week. Yours may include tours of the university and the residence hall you’ll living in (if you’re not commuting from home). There may be games, concerts, parades, clubs to join, videos to watch, parties, food, and you’ll probably be meeting a lot of other frosh. I don’t know, though, what your university will be doing. I hope that it’ll be really fun!

B