Hi anita! Sorry for my late reply. I’ve been busy and will continue to be until around the 29th of this month, but I did read your post and it’s an interesting take on what’s happening here, one I never would have thought of myself.  The thing that’s confusing to me about it is that those people I know who are excited by the thrill of rock climbing or parachuting speak of these activities as being exhilarating, which in turn make their lives better, fuller, and more fun, whereas John seems to view rejection as being incapacitating, creating in him less motivation, more depression, making his life worse. I know he mentioned something about subconsciously desiring women who don’t fully commit to him, but it seems that once they completely exit his life, he has trouble with basic functioning. I don’t know.

John, where did you go? What are your thoughts? And I wasn’t really banging my head again the wall. I was trying to be funny. 🙂

I am not very good at looking at a person’s past and trying to figure out how it’s affecting his life, but some of the things that occurred at the end of your relationship with your ex make so much sense to me now. When she started pulling away from you, you became needy and panicky…well, of course you would! I mean, as a boy you were repeatedly discarded, rejected, abandoned, so it makes sense that you’d react the instant you recognize those first awful signs (which you are very good at recognizing by now) that someone you love is about to abandon you. I mean, look at this pattern in your life. You’re 4 or 5 years old when your mom first abandons you by moving to Oregon, leaving you in Vegas with your sister and dad.  After a few years your dad then abandons you by shipping you off to your mom in Oregon, but then, in no time at all, she rejects you yet again by not picking you up at your babysitter’s….EVER, so your dad picks you up there to take you back to Vegas with him. But after a year he rejects you again, dropping you off at his parents (your grandparents) who keep you for a year before they discard you in Oregon to live with your mom again. After a couple months with your mom you learn that your dad has died in a tragic accident (abandoning you yet again), and you don’t remember saying goodbye to him. All of this within the first nine years of your life.

You and your sister didn’t deserve that childhood. I wish it could’ve been different for you both. It must have felt terrible to be treated like that by the two people you loved most in the world. Were they teenagers when they got married? What was going on with them?

You know exactly what to look for, how it feels, before someone you love walks away from you. You can see it coming from a mile away, anticipate it long before it happens. And when you detect even the slightest shift in the way a person you love behaves toward you, the subtlest hint that she’s unhappy with you, you panic and do whatever you can to prevent her from leaving. And of course you would. Anybody who was raised the way you were would. Makes perfect sense to me.

I remember earlier on this thread you mentioned that for Valentines Day (I think) you had flowers delivered to your then-girlfriend (now your ex) at her work three times on the same day, and I remember thinking, wow, that’s a lot of flowers! But now I get it. You were doing whatever you could to keep her from leaving you.

How has your sister done in her relationships over the years?

I grew up in a large family and both my parents worked full-time and were very busy. There was no down time at all for them. There was no abuse in my family and we all got along pretty well most of the time, but I still felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents simply because there weren’t enough hours in the day for them to listen to me. They did a lot for us kids: we had a nice home, enough to eat, they put us through college, etc., but still to this day in most social situations I keep conversations short so as not to bother people. I hate talking on the phone because I often feel like whomever I’m talking to has something else they need to be doing. In social situations, I’m always the listener, rarely the talker. I internalize a lot, prefer to keep things to myself. I guess I’m telling you this because I find it amazing how much our upbringings affect our day to day lives. The way we are raised shapes the people we become.

The way I see it, as a young boy you experienced crushing disappointments over and over and over again. Do you also see it that way? Are you at all angry at your parents?

B

That’s a huge step deleting all those photos! Well done. I’m proud of you. Next comes those useless voicemail messages 🙂

I don’t share your belief that a person can experience true love only once in a lifetime.

I know you feel a deep love for this woman, but what you loved most is the way she made you feel about yourself, right? And now that she’s gone, so is your self-worth. How can it be that another human being can have that much power over how you feel about yourself? When she’s with you, you’re a better man; and when she’s not, you’re just mediocre. That’s totally messed up! Can you see that? Please tell me you can see that.

What if one of your young daughters, say 15 years from now, was going through a bad breakup similar to yours. What if she said to you “Dad, there’s no one out there who will ever make me that happy again.” What would you tell her? Would you say “Yep, from now on you should just have fake/surface relationships that don’t mean anything”?

I remember at one point on this thread you said something about your mom not being there for you when you were a kid. What’s the story? I’m so curious. Will you please explain the whole thing to me: the relationship you had with her when you were a kid, a teenager, and today as an adult? Thanks.

B

Hi Stephen,

Sorry it’s been a whole year that you’ve been working in a high pressure position in an area you’re unfamiliar with and not right for. I understand you’ve done well in previous stress filled roles at work, but I find that as I get older, managing work related stress gets more difficult. It’s almost like the cushion or buffer that allows some people (like me) to function well in stressful environments begins to wear thin to the point where we just don’t want to do it anymore. Dealing with the death of both parents not long before taking on this new work challenge has exacerbated the situation for you (as it would anyone), I’m thinking. And you’re the main breadwinner in your family. I can certainly understand how all of the above would give rise to panic attacks and a tougher than normal episode of depression. Is it possible to get out of this job and back into something you are more familiar with and confident in that is less anxiety producing? You did the right thing by downsizing. With no mortgage and less financial pressure, finding a healthier balance between work and fun (if this is possible) may help you feel better mentally. I think most of us reach a point where we believe our high earning days are behind us and realize that there’s more to life than work. For me, having the time to do the little things I look forward to like going to a movie, museum, book store, etc. is better than having a dream home in an expensive neighborhood. Do you have any time in your life to do the things you love? And do you think if your wife saw a happier, less stressed husband that she would feel better about this move?

B

I would delete the voicemails. You can do it! 🙂

Hi Airene,

This is a great post. As a parent myself, I have some thoughts on what you’ve shared about finding acceptance.

I feel that, in general, parents’ values are not what they were when we were kids 40 years ago. For example, belonging to the right social circles for parents seems to be very, very important today. It’s almost like there are “Housewives of Beverly Hills” along with “Survivor” mentalities out there where parents have goals to not only get invited to the right parties (and have the most fun) but also to align themselves early on with powerful parents in order to influence and control what happens for their children.  The current generation of parents is the “entitled generation” where no one is going to tell them what their kids can and cannot do/have/achieve. Sometimes I think these folks got this way due to growing up within the materialism and consumerism of the 1980s where, in general, they pretty much got what they wanted when they wanted it. Anyway, today’s parents aggressively  take control of what happens for their kids. This includes encouraging their kids to befriend certain other kids who happen to come from other successful “winning” families, which maintains/raises the parents’ social status and allows them admittance into the “winning family” club. Parents who belong to this club are influential (powerful) in the community, which just might increase the probability that their kids will be successful in school, sports, Boy Scouts, drama club, and life, and also get them invited to the super happening parties!

Unfortunately, like you say, parents of special needs kids (or of kids who aren’t good at sports or who struggle academically or who don’t fit in socially) hear a lot of the “thanks, but no thanks” from these other parents. It’s almost like because the special needs parents can’t help the other parents achieve their personal goals, the other parents are not interested in establishing a friendship with them. You say “And parents who do have kids with special needs are no better –  they are quick to judge”. I’ve noticed this too and I think it’s because since they can’t be a part of the “winning” group, they’re going to separate themselves as the “winners” within this subgroup.

Oh and yes, and the parent bragging never stops, does it? I’ve had out-of-body experiences listening to it all.

And I have never believed the saying “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. I have known a family or two over the years who has had more than they can handle.

The only advice I have for you is to try to find the down-to-earth, real people who want to be friends with you and your kids simply because you and your kids are good honest people.

B

Not to me. No such thing as a “quiet exit” when you have a child. To your child your exit will be deafening. Losing a parent to suicide makes children more likely to die by suicide themselves and increases their risk of developing a major psychiatric disorder (I just now plagiarized that from a 2010 Johns Hopkins study). If you want to do something that your child can admire and look up to (like you mentioned above), then stick around. Don’t let the bad thoughts win.

I get the email whenever this thread is updated, so I hope you keep posting here! 🙂

Suicide Hotline

Hi Misanthrope,

Some lead a charmed life. Some lead a cursed life. Some lead a life somewhere between the two, to varying degrees. And some after that, are self-aware enough to notice.

I agree. There are also those who appear to lead charmed lives but are actually very troubled, and those who appear to lead cursed lives who are very content. I knew a guy who had it all: multiple degrees, one from an Ivy League institution, a beautiful, smart, very cool wife, great kids, tons of friends, active social calendar, good looks, intelligence, athletic ability, mid-six figure salary, and he killed himself one day. I also know a 40+ year old busboy at our local hamburger joint who makes minimum wage plus tips, lives from paycheck to paycheck alone in a one bedroom apartment in a rough area of town who emits the kind of peaceful energy that would be tough for anyone to fake every day.

It all bleeds into ones self-outlook. Which is an entirely other long, blathering, babblefish issue that can be summed up as ‘The only answer to the equation is that you’re an awful Human Being.’ based upon both current and past events.

Okay, I guess, sometimes. But then there are those with charmed lives who are awful human beings, or cursed lives that I’d trust with my kids. What about you? Are you an awful human being? Does your wife think you are?

I used to think about Christopher Reeve a lot. Talk about a charmed life, and then boom, no more charmed life for Christopher Reeve.

As for my writing prowess, I’ll have to disagree. It’s the same level as one of those drunk bar stars with a skull fracture while having a fight with a muskrat.

lol, Okay, we can agree to disagree on this point. I admit that there are a lot of things I know nothing about,  but I know what I like, and if you wrote a book I’d read it.

I was reasonably close to becoming an EMT. But, due to my age, I didn’t get passed the interview. Three different times.

How do you know it was because of your age?

B