Of course you can delete them without listening to them. Just having them on your phone keeps you from fully moving forward. Get rid of them! Don’t be the guy who says “i would listen first and probably not delete” anymore. Decide what kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.

Wow, no contact with her for a while now — you’ve come a long way! Well done! Instead of trying so hard,  just pay attention to the thoughts as they come and go, like an objective observer. Don’t get sucked in. Let them pass. They’re just thoughts in your head, nothing more.

The other thing I wanted to say is nope, you don’t need to stay in a plain white oatmeal marriage. When you think of not being in that marriage, having your own space, do you feel better?

Do you remember a time when you felt happy? When you woke up every day and felt pretty good about the day ahead?

Wait a minute! Do I get a say in whether or not this thread dies out?? LOL.  The whole book thing was my fault. No book deal, folks! Sorry for the confusion everyone.

Misanthrope,

I know nothing about Dysthymia, AvPD, MDD, SSRIs, or morphine, and all I know about alcohol is that it makes me feel like crap both physically and mentally the day after I drink it (yes, even just one glass). They say the cause of some mood disorders is a combination of nature and nurture, “simple probability”as you would call it along with your mess of a childhood. Regardless of how or why, they’re here, you got ’em, and they’re doing what they do best: convincing you that you’re worthless. The way I see mood disorders is that they take an otherwise functional human being and create major havoc for him. Suddenly he has no friends, no job opportunities, no respect, no happiness. You say your wife and child deserve better. ALL THREE of you deserve better! You didn’t deserve the MDD gene and/or the messed up childhood. So let me guess, your friends and some family members have deserted you because you screwed up, maybe got mean, angry, drove them away? If so, maybe it happened because you think you’re awful, not because you actually are. And maybe the way you think isn’t your fault.  Maybe you think the way you do because you got a raw deal starting about 40 years ago.

I used to work with this guy. We shared an office. He was smart, taught me a lot, but over the five years we worked together I watched him go from likeable, respected friend/colleague to someone no one wanted be around, including me. It was obvious what was happening though. His depression was screwing up his life. He wasn’t a team player, expected credit for work he didn’t do (he was older and the “lead” in most of our projects), had a very short fuse, was on the tempermental side, and also required extra attention from the opposite sex even though he had a serious relationship at the time. He’d partake in risky activities…often. I remember after he got engaged to his girlfriend he carried on with a coworker, would sneak around to meet her, etc. Stuff like that. He also would call in sick on Mondays….a lot. When things obviously weren’t working out for him, both professionally and personally, I remember him asking “why are these things happening to me?”. I knew, from him, that there was stuff  in his childhood that wasn’t so good, and I remember thinking that his relationship with his parents was very strange. I’m not saying you’re this guy. I’m just saying that I felt that it was this guy’s depression, self-loathing, low self-esteem that caused his missed opportunities, loss of friendships, etc. Not the other way around.

As for the age thing for the EMT job, yeah, I can see that happening in that line of work. I also would think that EMTs need to be mentally fit, like Navy pilots, and I’m wondering if in any of those three interviews you may have come across as not 100% mentally fit.

Anyway, back to the original thought that “Some are happy. Some are not. Some fluctuate…”. I agree with you. And I know you’ve tried a lot of things to change your situation, but I strongly believe that there are ways out other than taking 400mg of morphine, and I don’t think getting your dream job is necessarily one of those ways. I think it works the opposite way: once you correct the underlying problem, opportunities will open up. It’s possible, I believe, that you haven’t yet worked with the right therapist and that the right therapist would be able to help you a great deal. Unfortunately, I think that about 9 out of 10 therapists are the wrong ones….maybe even 9.9 out of 10?

B

Hi Misanthrope,

What is the “dream job” you’ve referred to? I understand if you’d rather not share that here.

How did it come to be that you can write so well? Clear, credible, thought-provoking, concise and precise. If you wrote a newspaper column, I’d read it every single day.

B

That’s okay. No, not weird at all. A lot of guys aren’t sports guys. I was just trying to say to be careful what you watch because some TV shows will remind you of her. Hard to find anything romantic or sentimental in a basketball game.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You just have an overactive mind. A lot of people do. Don’t fight the negative thoughts. Let them come, but then let them go. The key is to become aware of what’s happening between your ears. Can you see that your thoughts are creating the your sadness? Once you recognize this, you’ve taken the first step to feeling better. The thoughts will keep coming, but you have the power to not follow them. They are trying to pull you in, but you can take a deep breath and not let it happen. Just say to yourself “Oh, there’s that thought again, trying to get me to follow it.”. Instead of following it, focus your attention on your breathing, or to the way your body feels, or what you can see or hear. Are the muscles in your neck, shoulders, jaw tense? Relax them. What do you hear? Birds? An airplane? A really loud leaf blower (ugh)? Listen to them. What do you see? A blue sky? The paint on the walls inside your home? A sink full of dirty dishes? Look at them, notice things about them. This will, for a very very brief moment, get you out of your head. Keep doing this and you will get better and better at it. Practice, practice, practice. The brief moment will then become a whole minute, then two minutes, etc. At one point you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about her for a while.

I didn’t make this stuff up. I learned it.

So you woke up this morning and memories instantly came flooding back. So this is what I’d do if this happened to me: I’d find my dog,  grab his leash, and take him for a walk outside. (I know you have dogs! :)) I’d pay attention to what I see, hear, and how I physically feel on my walk. If it’s breezy, I would really feel the breeze on my skin. If it’s sunny, I’d feel the warmth. I’d be aware of the negative thoughts that are trying to sabotage my presence, and I’d let them go. Anyway, that’s the first thing I’d do. I also wouldn’t drink any alcohol because it’s a depressant and will only make me feel worse.

It all starts with awareness of your negative thoughts. Are you aware of them?

You’re welcome! Nah, not such a long road. You’re doing fine! 🙂