cece,

I believe that loving someone does not give them a blank check, a free pass to do whatever they want that contradicts your own core beliefs and values.

Mark

You are welcome dreaming715.

You need to be explicitly direct with your boyfriend.  No hinting.  No reading between the lines.  No open ended “deadlines.”

Guys are dense and need to be hit over the head when it comes to communicating.

When you say you “like to revisit where we are in our relationship” “around January 2019” what you really mean is that you want a ring and a date for your wedding for the purposes of a legally committed marriage and to have children.  If you make it nebulous and open ended like that then you will continue to have the same thing as before.

I suggest you two make a specific date for the wedding and have him give you a ring to signify the engagement.  Plus you have already communicated with him that the consequence of not committing to that is that you will leave the relationship by XXX date sometime before January 2019 so this won’t come as a surprise that you are serious about this

Mark

dreaming715,

It sounds like you two are not on the same timetable and same lifestyle.

The question is what is your timetable?   When do you want children?  I see that as the most important in being in agreement for you since you have that biological time clock ticking.

Have you communicated that with him?  There are good economic/legal/psychological reasons to have children in a marriage rather than out of wedlock.

https://www.city-journal.org/html/why-marriage-good-you-12002.html

Are you willing to walk away if he does not commit to settling down?  Those questions you need to answer within yourself and use as a basis of discussion with your partner.  It is good to have a bottom line even it seems like you are giving him an ultimatum.  This is your life.  Otherwise you are living your life for him rather than for yourself.

Mark

Canyon,

Are you getting help for your mental health?  I see that is the first thing you need to address.

Are you needing to find work because your wife/partner has kicked you out and stopped supporting you?

Yes, that can be scary as well.

One step at a time.  Keep breathing.  Meditate.  Exercise.  Self care.  All that is “working on yourself.”

Such changes can be overwhelming.  I hope you find a counselor/therapist to talk to along with these other things to help cope.

You have two children who depend on you to take care of yourself.

Take care,
Mark

woollyworm53,

How old are you?

I can identify on wanting/needing to find one’s purpose.  I am still looking in some way.

What I have done was to take an inventory of things that I like to spend time on, what things that I am good at, what things that I enjoy.  Then I would break down the parts of what constitute those activities and what skills are required.  Ex. I enjoy photography.  This constitute being visually oriented, capturing scenes/beauty, skilled at editing the resulting images, being observant.  I’m not sure how that will translate into something that I can make a living at but it is something that I keep expanding on, i.e. taking classes, publishing on social media like Instagram, showing my work in coffee houses, networking with other photographers.

It sounds like you are in survival mode which means the main focus and energy is being devoted in paying the bills.  This is a very hard place to have the luxury of thinking about life’s purpose.

Start small.  Keep a daily journal. Do something that you enjoy everyday no matter how small it is, e.g. take a walk, meet with a friend.  Out of that will emerge things that will help you know yourself and your purpose.  Don’t pressure yourself into having to know right away THE right thing to do for your entire life.

Mark

How to Activate the Life Purpose That’s Right Under Your Nose

Kara,

Wow! Good for you!  You are being strong, setting and keeping boundaries and focusing on what is good for you.  You are well on the way of being an emotionally strong and independent woman who does not depend on or care take someone else.

You are not being sucked back into his drama or manipulation.

You are teaching your children well for children learn best from their parent’s example.  It is not what they hear from you but what they observe and experience.  You are teaching them about what makes a healthy relationship and a healthy you.

You had attracted your teacher and now you have learned what you needed to learn and moved on.

Best to you,

Mark

Scott,

Medication can affect one’s ambition/energy/drive, etc.  You may want to cut back on it.  Being anxious in itself is not bad.  Too much anxiety can be if it affects how you navigate through life.

I don’t believe in jettisoning my friends and family for one person/girlfriend.  I have been ditched by my guy friends for their girlfriends and that is not good.  I get resentful and make the decision that they are not really friends at all.  I never go back.

You may want to have a more balanced social life.

Psychotherapy would be good to address how you do relationship, figuring out what you want in life, and your depression.

Mark

Peaches,

You have been in this relationship for a year.  You are afraid of being vulnerable and sharing too much of yourself.  Does he share himself with you?  Is he being vulnerable with you?

You have not shared about the mother of his children and what happened with that relationship.  There is a lot to be learned from people’s past relationships.  How was that marriage?  What broke that up?  Has he taken responsibility about his part in that?  What sort of father is he?

As I see with any relationship, there is no timetable or rush in getting to know the other.  If you need to practice sharing yourself in tiny bits then do so.  You don’t have to totally open yourself up.  Learn boundaries.  Learn self confidence.  Learn discernment.  Learn to be strong.

Mark