Tania

I suspected that you knew you had to stop all along. Please keep us up-to-date when you’re actually done something to stop this or not.

Mark

Victoria,

I agree with anita about your mother needing therapy to help cope with your father.  Your topic line of your father threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail which your mother and you need to deal with.  It sounds like first and foremost your mother not only needs a therapist but a divorce lawyer to get out of that marriage.

Mark

Thalia,

Good for you for working on boundaries.  Insofar as dealing with your co-dependency, I recommend checking one or more of the vast library of books and websites around that.  There are also support groups for that as well, CoDA.org.

How could I work on this without dissolving the friendship any?  Put value on your healing first.  You assume that this will end the friendship.  Even if you part ways, nothing is permanent.  You may be able to reconnect as you get more healthy.  I am no expert but I suspect that even your question is a co-dependent concern.

Mark

Melissa,

It sounds like he is too tied to his mother for approval in order to be an independent, grown man who makes a desirable partner.  Whenever a man tells you that he is unsure about his feelings for you and what he wants out of life then believe him especially if you two been together for 8 months, enough time to know how he would feel about you.

You ask what should you do.  Ask yourself the question on why would you subject yourself and your daughter to a half on/half off relationship with someone who does not want to be in relationship with you?  Ask yourself why would you want as a partner who depends on his mother for approval and life decisions.  Ask yourself why you want to commit to someone who does not have his life together while you are being a fully responsible single parent taking care of yourself and your daughter.

Personally I do not believe being in love as the reason for making a long term commitment for that is the honeymoon, stars-in-your-eyes phase of a relationship.  Mature love is a verb, not a gooey emotion.  You can have the good feelings of the emotion of love but do not make a life from that while ignoring the hard facts of this guy and the situation.

Mark

Thalia,

We had both talked about how we would be okay with open relationships… But you would be upset if the “open relationship” be with other women?  Now you have changed your mind about what you want from him.  You said you want him in your life but not if he is with another woman.  You ask if you should move on but I suspect if you get the answer that you should then you would not be able to.

You said …hearing details about him with other men never bothered me because I knew there was nothing I could do… There is nothing you can do if he gets together with other women either.

It sounds like he is confused himself.  He goes back and forth about declaring that he is bi or gay or whatever plus wanting an open relationship.  It seems that he wants to have it all without commitment for now. You and he enjoyed the friends with benefits relationship.  Are you two still living together and having sex?

I know for myself, I would not want to be with anyone who is still exploring their sexuality and not wanting to be with me as a partner.  I don’t know why you are wanting to stay with a guy like that.  You have not mentioned any other romantic relationships in your life so I wonder you are hanging on to him because you have not really experienced anyone else in your life.

You were given advice about this relationship at the end of last year.  You asked why you are feeling this way.  You are asking basically why you cannot let go.  I suspect there is a strong co-dependency element.

Mark

Parker,

You do feel your body.  If you stub your toe, don’t you feel pain?  If you run an ice cube up your arm, don’t you feel cold and the wet?

Practice tensing up parts of your body, starting with your skull, then face, nose, mouth, neck, shoulders, chest, stomach, and so on down to your toes.  Do each part of the body one at a time, separately.  Tense really hard, notice your body.  Then relax and notice your body then.  Note the differences.  Do this as a nightly ritual in bed before sleeping.

Practice how you feel.  Recall the sad times in your life.  Really visualize it.  Step into that recalled experience with remembering the smells, sounds, tastes, and visuals of that time when you were really sad.  Once you gone to that place then notice your body.  What parts are tight?  Run your body inventory from the top down to the bottom and note what areas are tense, tingling, hot/warm, etc.

Try that with other emotions like joy, anger, peace, resentment, curiosity, etc. by recalling when you felt that in your life.

Make all of this your daily practice.

Mark

Parker,

I can identify with you for I grew up in a family that did not show much emotion.

It is a struggle to recognize and identify my emotions as well. Might want to check out Marshall Rosenberg‘s nonviolent communication website or gives a list of emotions to look at.

What I recommend is to notice your body more for that’s where emotions reside.  Be more body aware. For example, when I’m afraid I notice my heart beating faster, stomach clenching, neck muscles tightening, etc.

Mark

Dan,

As a big boy, go ask her out for a real date.  I agree with anita, the best way of connecting with anyone, romantic or otherwise is to be genuine and authentic, i.e. be yourself.

Mark