Hi Marisol and Aislynn,

It sounds like what you two went through is a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. You can find the definition here:

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/

The best way to handle people like this is to get away from them, which is what you are doing now. Hopefully but knowing the techniques these people utilise you can spot someone like this more quickly in the future.

Hi Hannah,

It’s hard to guess what the other person is thinking. It’s possible that he is just being a good guy wanting to find out if you are doing ok after the break up. Or like you said, he might be feeling a bit lonely but there is a difference between missing being a relationship and missing you specifically. At the end of the day, his motivation of contacting you is unimportant compared to doing what is best for you.

I am sorry to say this but unless something within you two has fundamentally changed, what was lacking in the relationship before will still be there. As Einstien once said, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different outcome.

You may both get momentary relief by the re-connect but in your heart, you will always be wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You may watch your words and be mindful of how you behave around him but speaking from experience, none of these will work because by doing so, you are hiding the spark that makes you unique.

Hi Samuel,

There is a quote from Eclhart Tolle that say something along the lines of “if you are in an unpleasant situation, you can either remove yourself away from it, change it or accept it.” Having been in a similar situation before, there is nothing like that feeling of being stuck. It drained all the passions I have in life and my every action was dictated by my fear of failure. Sure I hated what I was doing and I want more but what if I don’t succeed?

My advice: it’s ok. It’s ok to fail, to make mistakes, to have a heart full of passions and break it a few times along the way as long as you are moving forward because that’s what living is about.

So go out there and do something that you enjoy. Life is amazing when you don’t subscribe to someone else’s plan.

Hi Faber,

Men, as a rule are terrible at trying to give compliments especially in our 20s. For some, this ends up as giving back handed compliment in that they want you to know that you are special but at the same time they can’t help but to add something that says “well I’m interested but not THAT interested” for fear of rejection. It’s like the little boy who is mean to the girl they like at school because he wants to get her attention. Cute, if you are in primary school.

Then there are the guys who will do this on purpose to manipulate you because by diminishing your value, you might agree to do something that you normally wouldn’t do (like going out with a guy who disrespects you). Either way, it’s got nothing to do with you and your physical appearence and everything to do with them. So the guys who say this to you are either little boys or manipulators. It’s a terrible idea to date either because you will have to play mommy for one and the victim for the other.

Some ideas for a snappy come back if you encounter this situation again:

“And you’re an ahole in a mainstream kind of way”
“Gee thanks. Usually guys start with flowers and chocolate when they want to date me”
“Yeah I like your energy too because if I want to date a guy with a big **** I wouldn’t have picked you. Glad we have that in common!”

Probably want to go the middle one if you want to give the poor man a chance but it’s always nice to have options in your back pocket for the tough ones. 🙂

Hey there,

I used to be like you, reading up on dating advice from so called gurus, watching how I behave, what I say and doing everything in my power to get someone to like me. The thing is, even when I managed to manipulate someone into liking me, it never lasts. Even while it did it wasn’t that great because I can’t be open with that person and there is always that fear that if I did the wrong thing, the whole relationship will collapse. So what I am trying to say is that going into a relationship pretending to be someone else is a fool’s game.

Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of our emotions? We get angry when we are confronted, scared when we do something risky and sad when we lost something we love. From a biological and evolutionary perspective, our emotions exist to get us to take action. So if you are depressed and cry often, perhaps your body is telling you to do something that will change your circumstances? If you are unwilling to take the steps to address these issues yourself, a relationship will only complicate matters. Most people get sick of being the saviour fairly quickly.

My suggestion is to look at the list you put together and commit to one change you can make today. Just one and when you have mastered it, try another. The most important thing is to do something, otherwise you will end up bring your own jailer.

Hey Ashley,

I’ve always enjoyed your posts and I am sorry to hear about the stress that you are going through. With your bf’s father, he is someone who abandoned his kids and still be prioritised by them which really says a lot about that dynamic. Like you said, your bf is still caught in being that abandoned little boy looking for his father’s approval and it’s hard to go against something as deep seeded as that.

To be honest it sounds like you have done all you can about this and the only decision left is to decide what you are going to do if neither your bf of his dad will change his behaviour? If you two get married and have kids, can you stand being the object of ridicule or just be excluded entirely in family gathers? More importantly, how does it make you feel when your partner doesn’t stand up for you even though he’s promised to? Does your love for him out weigh those feelings?

My suggestion is to take a week off and remove yourself from that environment before making a final call. Go for a hike in the forest and don’t think about it to give your mind a break so that the voice of your intuition can come through. The decision you are about to make should not be based on logic alone so let your heart speak and see where it takes you.

Having been in a similar situation recently, I know the feeling of missing someone who is a potential romance and a really good friend. The thing is, a heart want what a heart wants and you will be cheating yourself if you didn’t pursue this because of your fear of loosing the relationship. Sure things didn’t work out the way you wanted but the alternative is to tip toe in the grey which is certainly no way to live.

So you put on your gear, went into battle and lost. That’s ok because those who fear battle are never victorious. The others have some good advice re how to heal and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.

Hi Onewish,

Your expectations are not unrealistic at all. I mean, can you imagine spending your life with someone who you don’t feel a deep connection to? The other stuff like open mindedness, love, faithfulness, addiction etc they are fundemental values and far more important than things like common interests. Don’t go out with someone who doesn’t share your values as they are very difficult to change.