Forum Replies Created
It seems you already know the right thing to do, is that correct? You are aware this relationship is no longer healthy, you know that he JUST broke up with his girlfriend of TWO years and is emotional about it, and you know he is using you. I know you don’t want to lose him again and I know your relationships for the past three years may have been unfulfilling, but you finally have gotten the closure you needed: an apology. Getting sexually involved again was not the thing you needed, and you know this because you actually thought of your ex when you guys first almost hooked up!! Sexually and emotionally, you really don’t need him, and you got the apology you wanted.now you can completely, fully move on and fine someone who 1) Wants to date you because they are emotionally ready, not because they are rebounding 2) appreciates you for all that you are, doesn’t take you for granted, and respects you 3) doesn’t play games, doesn’t act selfish, and puts you first. You deserve all of this. You might be lonely, you may be feeling regrets, etc. But he is using you, and this is the truth. He is being selfish and doesn’t want the best for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Tell him gently that you’d love to be in his life but cannot be involved romantically or sexually. Go spend time on YOU. Go out with your friends, stay home and take a relaxing bath, start a new hobby. Get your mind off him, invest in yourself, and the right man will soon come your way. If you believe you deserve better, then better will come. Good luck!
Do not fret, you are not in this alone! All of your points are valid concerns, and I am sorry you feel unworthy. While I am all for doing a 180 and completely changing your life around, it may not be necessary. I think the reason you are feeling so “stuck” is because you’re unsatisfied and self-conscious about your lifestyle. You see others around you who are “better off”, are “more successful”, etc. But this is just your perception! None of that is true. Where you are now, is perfect. You have everything within you to feel happy and content, but it seems as though you have lost the ability to find fulfillment. I want to address each of your points, and show you how you can keep your job while you find happiness until you figure things out. There is no rush on this lifelong journey, and who knows if 30 is your halfway point! Each day needs to count.
1) You are feeling guilty. At some point in your life, you must have adopted the belief that since you have privileges (a job, money, health), you must give back and feel guilty for your life. Wrong! You have no reason to feel guilty. You worked hard to get where you are, you’re successful, and you should be proud. You can make a difference every day too. I urge you to look up “small acts of kindness”. There are so many things you can do day-to-day that may not seem as detrimental as saving lives, but you never know when you are doing just that. Making somebody smile is one way you can help alleviate suffering, start there.
2) Everyone needs to express themselves creatively in some way. Which is your preferred way? Art? Music? Dance? There are thousands of hobbies which you can use to express yourself, and which will bring you fulfillment. Personally, I love gardening, and this helps me stay sane despite working over 50 hours per week. Without expression, of course, you will feel stuck!! We humans need art! I recommend the book, “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron.
3) The reason you feel trapped in your loop is also your perception, I’m afraid. Routine is highly effective for the human body, actually, and sleeping/eating/etc. at regular times are quite good for you. If you want to shake up your routine, I recommend waking up early! I know, I know, this seems crazy. But it feels so good to get up early and do fun things before the rest of the world has even had their first cup of coffee. Read this, it might inspire you: https://zenhabits.net/10-benefits-of-rising-early-and-how-to-do-it/. Also, I’m not sure if you’re into gardening/homesteading, but I also recommend the book “Made From Scratch: Discovering the Pleasures of a Handmade Life” by Jenna Woginrich. She was a late-twenty-something in a corporate 9 to 5 job who had the same crisis as you. Instead of leaving her job, she kept it, and fulfilled her dreams of having a homestead in the morning/afternoon hours! Honestly, be selfish with your extra time! You work to support yourself, but also so that you can have fun! Without having fun, you’re not truly living.
4) This might sound bad… but NEVER listen to other people rather than yourself. Not even me. From your post, it sounds like you truly know that you aren’t happy. Good! Listen to YOU! You have intuition, and you should follow this. Read this article https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16951/7-tricks-to-uncover-trust-your-intuition.html/ Other people have advice that is valid, but every person in the world has a different opinion, and what makes them right? There is no right or wrong decision. Every decision is a good one as long as you are making it, not other people. Don’t let them make you feel you’re doing something irrational. Only the wild ones make “stupid” decisions; “swim against the current” (my middle school yearbook quote 😉 ).
5) One day at a time, my friend. Everything will work out. Yes, life will change, and we can’t do anything about it. “The only thing we can count on is change”. No job is reliable. If you are worried about your job not being as reliable as everyone says it is, consider doing something on the side! Even though I work 50+hours a week, I still babysit most weekend nights. This is a nice source of income, but I do it mostly for the satisfaction of hanging out with children. Sign up for care.com or something like that. I think you would benefit from the great wisdom of children. They find satisfaction in the mundane.
6) Hmm… I think most of your stress is created from the high standards you hold of yourself. Check out lonerwolf.com (specifically on the articles concerning self love and the shadow self), poke around tinybuddha (the articles AND the forums), read some Buddhist text like “The Wisdom of No Escape” by Pema Chodron, “Against the Stream” by Noah Levine, and “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. You have the power to find happiness, and you need to stop comparing yourself so harshly to others, my friend! Having a house, car, and husband may be the “American dream”, but it doesn’t have to be your dream. You have everything you need inside of you. Love yourself, no matter what. Love yourself during your “success”, during your “failure”, it is all the same. You are doing great, so love yourself, and accept this moment as it is! Trust yourself, you know best, and don’t let others affect YOUR life. You might only get one! And having a strong support system always helps. Your family and friends should support you no matter what decision you make, and if they don’t, then you need to find people who do.
7) Don’t we all! Childhood was so nice! But who is to say you can’t embrace your life like a child anyway? Example: bring a fancy sandwich to lunch and have a playdate scheduled after work, I promise they will make your day THAT much better ;-).
My friend, you are not in a crisis. You are in the pre-awakened phase. You are now on your journey to self-acceptance, happiness, satisfaction and enlightenment. I am not saying that quitting your job is the first step, but this whole chaotic confusion in your head is the first step. Love yourself through this journey, take each day one at a time, trust yourself, and find joy in each step. Good luck!
You make a good point. And no, other than the fact she was older!
Thank you for the welcome. Surely I should have asked, but even if he told me in the first few minutes of our meeting, I still would have felt the deep connection. So I feel the lesson is less about asking people whether they’re single or not, and more about something else. I just can’t figure out what that lesson is. Does that make sense? A few months back I posted a similar question. While it was a different person I feel like I keep finding people who I feel are “perfect” but are unavailable; and the ones I deem “imperfect” are the ones who are available. I must have some sort of limiting belief which prevents me from loving available people!!July 5, 2018 at 8:34 am in reply to: Friendships (keeping good friends and losing good friends) #215551
If you are trying to grow and your friends are upset about that, you need to realize that it is not your fault for their anger. Somewhere deep inside, they must be worried that if you grow, you will not be there to help them and listen to their problems like you normally are. I feel the best thing would be to reassure that you are here to support them, yet you need to pay more attention to your own problems too. If you feel like you are drowning, voice those beliefs, in a calm and gentle way. Be direct and don’t beat around the bush, tell them how you feel, and don’t apologize for it!! Us empaths are always trying to make others happy and often become submissive. Don’t let this happen, be strong! If your friends do not support your growth, continue to fight, etc., they are not true friends and you need to consider letting them go. The point of having friends is to have people who support you, who allow you to grow, and who allow you to be happy/comfortable in your own skin. Consider all of this and make an informed decision about what to do next.
I am new to the forums and have seen your thoughtful and engaging replies often, you are truly inspiring. I consider you a therapeutic volunteer, truly. I am curious about your life, who you are. Do you write on here so often because you work from home? Do you find fulfillment by helping others? Do you have loving family members now despite your troubling past? You seem like a fascinating soul.
Myself, I am a young adult with an old soul. I love spending time in nature and care about the environment, I love coffee in the mornings, I enjoy eating healthy food and doing things like yoga, and my little sisters are my best friends. I have a mother with a multipersonality disorder who has brought challenges and lessons to my life. I consider myself very spiritual and love reading, listening, observing, and communicating with books, music, art and people that help me learn more about humanity. I also feel a strong desire to help others thrive despite any suffering they face. It is hard to summarize myself, even though I’ve only been around a mere 18 years!
Thank you for all you do.
Moving on is the best thing that you can do for you. After all, it is YOUR life!! Congratulations on your girlfriend and for getting an education. I know this must all be so stressful, but none of those things you feel guilty about are actually your fault. You are only 19, these are supposed to be the years of your life. Your parents behavior is not normal and not healthy. However, do keep in mind that all three of your previous guardians most likely are all facing/have faced issues of their own and therefore are not completely stable. Again, these things are not your fault but eventually in the future, using compassion to keep these things in mind will help you to heal. They are just people with human flaws. I agree with Anita, receiving help or guidance from a professional might be very beneficial. I am living in a toxic household currently (trying to get out within the next 2 years!) and I am paying out-of-pocket to see a therapist bi-weekly, and her insight is amazing. Just having someone to talk to and validate you is like a huge weight lifted off. Keep living your life and you’re allowed to be selfish, because you come first!!
Please know that sharing your story has a larger impact than you might realize. Keep sharing it.
I feel that a lot of adults like myself can relate to your story. As kids, others would look at our situation and consider it idyllic. I too never went hungry, always had materialistic gifts, heat/ac and a roof over my head, I had a good education, and was never sexually/physically abused. There is so much I am grateful for. However, the emotional and psychological abuse from my mother caused me so much suffering. There has been a constant war in my head because I am grateful for my blessings and for my mother but I cannot validate how she treats me and my sisters. I know now that she faced childhood trauma and experiences something like bipolar disorder, but we’ve talked on numerous occasions yet she still hasn’t sought help. I am also bisexual, which caused my father to ignore me whenever my mother was abusing me. There is only so much we can do as the children of unstable parents.
I am proud of you for making it through your years in a toxic household with unsupportive parents. People like us have hidden stories that make us stronger, and we are all courageous. We are in this together.
I came out to them as bisexual while still in high school because as a Junior I briefly dated a female. At that point I thought mvfamily would be accepting and did not expect the reaction they had, so I would not have told them if I knew it would be this drastic!
Eliana, Inky, and Anita
Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate your kind words more than you realize, it is great to feel supported. I hope I am able to make the right decisions moving forward, or learn from my mistakes if I do not. Wish me luck!
It sounds like your boyfriend is not mature enough to give you the love and attention you deserve. He very well knows your feelings, but is choosing not to improve his own behavior, but instead turn the blame on you. This is unhealthy and toxic, and you could easily find someone who could give you that weekend happiness on a daily basis. It is time to move on, you deserve better.