@Sammy1 mate I’m not going anywhere without knowing you are fully at ease. If I can help then please let me and don’t be shy to ask. You were there for me at a critical point in my life and I want to return your generosity.

It isn’t because I feel compelled to, it’s the personal work I’ve done on myself that means I appreciate and value you, your time, kindness and guidance to make my journey a success.

I’m not going to ignore your predicament just because I’m married or busy. I would be disappointed in myself if I did, ‘B’ would also admonish me if she came to know.

So first things first, I’m so glad that as a giver you are experiencing the return you deserve. I read this fascinating article when I was trying to understand how to be better for ‘B’ who is a giver through and through.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201311/the-best-kept-secret-highly-successful-relationship

Have a read and you’ll learn never to stop being a giver! Intrinsic givers are very rare to come across these days, but also the best humans in the world. I was never a natural but learned to become a giver because of ‘B’ and feel much more content and fulfilled in life overall.  I concur two givers equates to fireworks in bed! 🤪

I think you’re headed in the right direction with your partner so don’t let him not wanting to rush it cause you to doubt yourself. Your ultimate dream is going to come true you and your bestie are going to become sisters. Ahaha! Therapist always says we have to manifest what we want through positive thoughts.

Your partner sounds like top lad, intelligent, romantic,very supportive and secure. What you feel is what I felt with  ‘B’ why didn’t I see you sooner?

Sometimes it takes time for the heart and mind to become aligned. The heart usually already feels it but the brain throws up defenses, making you sabotage or nitpick at times which can stop things from developing.

When you ignore the brain you can end up missing red flags but when you ignore the heart that’s when you usually end up with painful regrets like I did with ‘B’. So my advise is try to strike a balance but follow your heart and that warm feeling you get around a special person.

I agree with @Rhaenys your ex is no where near ready to be friends. You can be the bestest of friends and show the love or care you still have for your ex by allowing him the space to focus on his current relationship. Don’t engage unless absolutely necessary.

Your ex is in a very difficult situation, I’ve been in his shoes which is why I have sympathy for him.

If he’s in a new relationship and feeling conflicted that’s not a good feeling at all. I spent a lot of time behind closed doors with tears in my eyes and stressed because I didn’t understand what I felt for ‘B’, it was isolating and scary. You know what I had to do, your ex needs to soul search too.

It’s not your fault. It’s his responsibility and ideally he shouldn’t be in a new relationship if he has regrets and is thinking of you. That’s how other people can get hurt by our actions.

But withdrawing yourself from the equation might allow his current relationship to work. It will be down to him to figure out his own feelings, it’s up to him to decide to live an honest life for himself and be true to his feelings. Let him come to you with friendship if he ever resolves that yearning for you. It might not go away for him and that’s okay too because he loved you but he has to find a way to move forward with that love.

Don’t blame yourself, I know all you want is for him to be in the same position as you and accept the best for each other but when a guy still wants you, any form of contact will feed into his desire and hope of rekindling what you shared and if you know you will never give it another chance then even with the best of intentions friendship may never be possible.

@Rhaenys Sammy and I wrote a lot about fear in our previous posts, re read them for guidance. Fear is what held me back with ‘B’ and I would have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me if I didn’t overdone it. So make it your mission to shrink it if you want a relationship. I will try to post updates when I can. Good luck and thank you for your wishes.

@Jay2023 Have you been recovering well from Covid? Post an update when you are able. Get well soon bro.

@Sammy1 thanks for your very kind words. It means a lot to me to know I’ve done good from you, you were here since my first post.

Ahaha, hands up beneath the bravado, I am a cheesefest and hopeless romantic,  I’ve never had anyone appreciate that sensitive side. Most women want treat them mean, keep them keen but with ‘B’ she appreciates every aspect of the real me and doesn’t make me feel inferior or less macho. I love spoiling her. She spoils me more probably, it’s an incredible feeling. I will take heed of your advice by being consistent, I don’t want this feeling to ever fade for us.

How are things with your new partner? Why are you thinking about your ex? It’s pretty straightforward…

An honest man would admit that if you shared real feelings with a woman, it’s impossible to stay actual friends!

It’s too damn hard for us men. It’s not just the sexual desire, sometimes talking to an ex can stir feelings in us especially if there’s unresolved feelings there. It becomes painful beyond belief to watch from the sidelines when those feelings can’t be acted on. Most of us give up hope here and know any friendship will be fake.

But there are some men, like your ex who may cling to hope that you’ll date again. I’d say your ex might just be biding his time thinking you are rebounding and would at least bang if the opportunity presents itself. Tread carefully. You know his character better than anyone.

I think you women are emotionally stronger, that’s why you’re better at being friends afterwards.

Rarely do you get a situation like ‘B’s’ ex it’s an exception to the rule. I trust ‘B’ because she’s so mature, I know her character and how principled she is. Although I’m dubious about him as I don’t know him well yet, one boundary ‘B’ and I agreed on is never to discuss any potential issues be it marriage or personal with any exes. So their relationship is very neutral. I’m not going to stop it as that’s controlling and would be projecting my own insecurities.

Personally I’ve chosen to have nothing to do with my ex. If I’m honest, I do hold a small place for her in my heart, she was my first “love” but I don’t trust her character after the betrayal so although I’ve matured greatly, I don’t want her in my circle because she could potentially cause issues.

I invited her as an extension of my best mate. He’s been pushing hard to repair our relationship and I do miss him, he was a great friend since childhood until that happened. I have forgiven him now after therapy and bit by bit looking to repair our relationship.

Thanks Sammy for highlighting that, if I’m ever having an internal meltdown, I’m going to re read that point and reframe any insecurities. ‘B’ chose me, being so beautiful inside and out she dated many better options but I captured her heart. The other men should be jealous!

Ahaha horny rabbits…. you’re hilarious Sammy. I am extremely grateful the physical side lived up to my expectations, sex is very important but honestly the best thing I ever did was listen to @Tim1,my brother and Anita on my original thread.

With their wisdom they advised me to marry her. It was difficult because from the very moment I met ‘B’ it was sexual attraction, I couldn’t keep my hands off her.
Everytime I was around her, I was in a state of non stop arousal and didn’t understand what she saw in me. Waiting and learning to control the carnal desire in a way I had never before actually opened my eyes to all the qualities I was ignoring, in the end when I allowed myself to fall that golden heart is what I fell in love with.

I knew she was a minx but combined with that golden heart is was connect us deeper during intimacy, it makes it so special and there are no inhibitions. I’m on cloud nine.

I am no longer avoiding confrontation, I don’t mind annoying her after what it’s led to ahaha!

@Rhaenys thanks for the lovely suggestion. Look how many bad days I had, but I’m riding a wave of elation and I’m sure there will be more bad days coming my way too but keep working on yourself and don’t settle because you’re tired or just want a partner. Find someone who meets all your physical and emotional needs. You can only find that if you know who you are and start to love yourself accordingly.  It will all make sense one day.

I wish I could stick around longer to help you further but after my quarantine ends I will not get the time as much so I would hate to leave you hanging.
I sincerely apologise.

I hope @Sammy1 or @Jay2023 can keep this thread going to help you.  Best of luck and if you want to ask me anything for next few days you can. I’ll respond.

@Rhaenys quickly logged in to say thank you. I know sometimes you’ve felt ignored and I wanted to make time to reply to your kind words. I’m so stoked to be where I am!

Her extended family have been a bee in my bonnet, but coming on here venting and Sammy’s guidance reminded me to stay focused. What I have with ‘B’ is actually incredible and took a lot of graft so the leadup to the wedding as stressful as it’s been, I wasn’t going to let them get inside my head any further. It is a bridge I have to cross because Sammy’s right you can’t suppress how you really feel about anything. It all seeps out in the end.

Right now I’m going to soak in this blissful time, I didn’t think it was possible but I love her even more. The first night together was beyond what I imagined.

@Rhaenys,  @Jay2023 my advice is definitely don’t settle. No matter how lonely it gets, even if your clock for babies is ticking, hold out for someone who accepts all of you and you really desire and meets your needs,only then can you create something meaningful. I’ll write more on my journey because I think I need to be truthful about my main need for anyone else reading and if it had not been met maybe a part of me would have felt slightly disheartened.

When I’m back from our honeymoon (we are off to the Caribbean this weekend) I can give a better picture of what it is like but I think the fact I have no regrets, no doubts, our exes didn’t even stir anything in us and now that our union is officially cemented and I feel like this means B’s definitely “the one” !

I have officially made an honest woman of ‘B’. I can’t believe it @Sammy1 @Jay2023 @Rhaenys I did it!

Wow! I promised a full update before the honeymoon, here it is, this is one of my longer posts with details especially for you @Sammy1!

Who knew a little bit of paper held so much significance, when done with the right person.

I can really say I’m lucky AF to have won back ‘B’; to find my best friend and wifey in one is incredible.

My brother who was always going to be my best man gave a hilarious speech at my expense, but the pinnacle point was he said I don’t have to ask Danny did you make the right decision, he became a better man because of ‘B’ and he’s not looked back once since and I’m proud of you. This meant the world to me hearing that from someone I respect and admire so much after his own battle.

He’s right no other woman will ever or has ever understood me like B, her spirit and soul encompasses everything I have ever wanted and need. The best thing I ever did was drop my ego and have courage.

Feeling of being fully accepted by a woman who is a smart cookie and could have any man she wants is next to none, all my fantasies and dreams of what I wanted out of a relationship and thought was not possible have actually come to fruition with her by my side. I have really found my soulmate!

When I last posted, I was having the letter fiasco, to my relief ‘B’ chose not to read it. She still hasn’t but will cross that bridge when it comes! She said if I had wanted her to read it after, then she would respect that. I definitely do panic for no reason sometimes!

Don’t worry Sammy, I haven’t dismissed what you wrote. Now more than ever I realise if you’re not happy deep down it definitely will seep out. Our own happiness is the only way to achieve overall success. I don’t need the approval, I have B. That’s all I need. No more placating to be accepted.

The wedding day finally arrived and I expected to be nervous but it was more of a rush,  for the first time in my life I fully felt I was doing something right, the moment finally arrived, my wifey walked down the aisle and looked breathtakingly beautiful. She’s always has had a stunning figure but the way she looked in that dress, I’ll never forget! I felt this lump in my throat and I cried! She looked ethereal, I felt a mixture of intense desire to incredible pride. Our vows I will keep private but there were full of all the feels. We had in the end chosen to make this an intimate affair with very close family and few friends only and I’m so glad we had this day low-key as to me this was transformative and I actually was fully engaged and I’ll cherish it forever.

We had the weekend to ourselves before she returned back to her parents for the beginning of the cultural events and at this point I felt like a different man. The stand out point for the events was there was colour, lots of vibrancy and music. Painting faces with turmeric, funny traditions like milk and having your shoe stolen and paying for it to be returned, to a departing event with lots of tears this was overwhelming because I hate seeing ‘B’ upset. The events were jam packed and for the most part fun. Completely different to a traditional white wedding.

Seeing B happy and smiling made my heart feel fuzzy. Even though we had a lot of challenges with Covid. The events all went ahead and came together for her.

Oh and we both invited our exes to the cultural events in the end and it just reaffirmed I was with the right person. ‘B’s’ ex is bloody good looking and nice enough lad but I didn’t feel any jealousy as we have so much trust and communication. My ex best friend and ex both came too and because I was so full of pride nothing really mattered anymore. I didn’t feel at any moment it could have been her or any regrets. It was a complete new slate and I’m glad bygones are bygones. Her extended family on the other hand made a few jibes and couldn’t help but comment how ‘B’s’ ex being same race was a better choice for her. I didn’t let it affect me too much.

The evening we officially got married and had our civil was our wedding night, I told her I was taking her to somewhere special that only her and I will share. In more ways than one 😉

The last few weeks, ‘B’ had asked to spend with her family and no visiting until the big day, naturally this built the sexual tension even more, although I was not keen on this initially it worked out perfectly because it also gave me time to create my surprise wedding night at our new home .

First thing I did was install a doorbell camera to record her reaction when the time came. The old owners took all their furniture thankfully, so its a period property and stripped back it looks amazing with the high ceilings and chandeliers.

I decided to create a romantic trail based on what would be our new tradition, an ode to that date which stirred all the feelings of love for her, our engagement. I stole your idea @Sammy1 and made it very dreamy!

When we left the wedding venue, I blindfolded her and told her she must not peak and wait. She’s always great at gestures so I was stoked with what I had created for her. When we arrived I told her to wait and not remove the blindfold until I called her, she stood there in her wedding dress and I placed the first envelope which had a key and note inside ” This is the key to your happiness, use to unlock our new beginning..”

It was cute watching her reaction, she looked so confused at first! I prompted her and said I’m waiting for you inside our new home, and it finally clicked it was ours, she was astounded and stood there hand over mouth saying a few cursives and OMGs ahaha, best feeling ever.

When she opened the door I had lined the hallway with her favourite flowers in vases and a trail of clues. Each envelope gave a mini tour and clue on where to go next with a surprise present in each room. The kitchen I had left something naughty which told her to make her way upstairs.

When she arrived upstairs, I stood still and soaked her in, I didn’t want to forget how she looked at this moment. I had a record player playing “At Last”, and we slow danced to this, the rest of night was bloody magical. All I can say is B measured up in every single way and was worth all the struggle and wait. Sammy, Tim you were 100% right when there’s natural chemistry and a deep emotional connect,  the physical intimacy is bloody sublime with no inhibitions! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. Bring on the honeymoon baby ahaha! Yes loves the house. Your boy did good! We christened it well too ahaha!

This thread steered me to taking the biggest risk of my life that led me to the most amazing reward. I am grateful beyond words can express.

I came on here looking for sympathy, I had been reduced to a fuckboy until I stumbled across this thread.

@Kkasxo homie your kindness and acceptance as a newbie allowed me to open up and spill my feelings which lead to me receiving so much insight and growth.

@Shelbyville your thread is the reason why I found such good advice, your protective nature, telling me to be kind to myself too touched me in a way I didn’t expect. You didn’t want me to get hurt chasing the impossible, but your concept of journeymate actually spurred me on and helped me overcome my biggest fears. It challenged me to not settle for less and take the easy route, so I fought for ‘B’.

@Tim1 your sage advice making me hold my physical urges and see if the emotional connect was strong allowed me to demonstrate loyalty, maturity and be better. I found my best friend and wifey all in ‘B’ and it made the the physical side more than I could have ever anticipated and this is one of the most important elements for me in a relationship, so I’m so glad you taught me that patience can be a virtue.

@Sammy1 what can I say you’ve been there since day 1 and you are a real one! You are a big part of my journey,  remaining fair but firm, which made me grow so much, the time ,insight you’ve given is the most amazing gift and I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you but I send you positive vibes and know when I look back I will appreciate and always value you for the incredible support and guidance you gave.

I’m here for you and see you like the cool sister I never had. I will always reply to you, whatever you need I will. I know you’re going to do well in life, you have a fighting spirit and whole heap of love. You go get them! If you want, B and I would love to extend our friendship to you beyond the virtual realm. That way I can repay you too.

@Jay2023 thanks for the heart to heart bro, it made me get therapy for the niggling issues and improve myself further. It has been a pleasure having another man on here since Tim and I really appreciated you as a sounding board and the support in the lead up to my wedding.

@Rhaenys thank you too for always offering encouragement!

I don’t want to disappear but I have a funny feeling my wifey will be occupying my time more than I originally anticipated. I’m going to take it all in whilst it’s on offer ahaha!

I will try to post but if it does become difficult. I wish you all the best in your journeys.

I think taking time to discover who I am, and finding someone who didn’t want to change me to ideal was key to this. Look for someone who you admire, respect so want to do better yourself but also makes you feel passion and wild desire. Don’t settle out of fear of being alone, don’t rush it or you’ll end up with a lacklustrous partnership and doing yourself injustice. Trust your timing and don’t fear love. Real love is wholesome AF!

I’m still learning, I still have some bad patterns but I know I’m winning. I found love in myself first. Thank you for everyone who contributed to getting me this far!

@Sammy1 or @Jay2023 do you still check your notifications?

Few weeks to go 🤞 Boris has given the go ahead. But I wouldn’t be me without drama! Remember that letter I wrote and put away well I regret writing it now. B found it and although she never opened it, she asked what it was. I could have lied but what basis would that be to start a new chapter? So I told her it was something I would prefer she didn’t read until after the wedding. After a bit of cajoling she realised it was making me feel uncomfortable and in turn this made her feel bad, I tried to reassure her but she was subdued for the rest of the day. There was only 2 weeks left to survive the events and the jibes have still been relentless especially when I had to do a recent fitting and made a joke, some of her extended family really can’t accept me for who I am and are very sneaky in the way they make the remarks without B realising,  I don’t want to upset her because the contents will upset her. I do intend on giving it to her but not now. My therapist said that I’m lucky i have a partner who i can be so self revelatory with and really express myself, it’s a sign of a deep emotional connect that very few share, she said the trepidation was most likely surfacing from that damn FEAR based on past experiences. She is right, I can tell B anything, I mostly just naturally pour my thoughts out to her it’s weird and comforting, I feel a connection not experienced before. Family has always been a top priority for her and although I’m sensitive and it hurts. In my mind i don’t want anything to taint the magical experience for her it’s not even about me being afraid of expressing my concerns. What do I do? Tell her the truth, cause a divide which will hurt her or not say anything and still hurt her because I’m sure she now feels bad and is having thoughts?

@Jay2023 didn’t @ you properly above. Good luck bro. Speak soon. Really hope things are calm for you.

@Tim1, I’m stoked to hear from you too. My own brother recently had a baby and I held the little fella for the first time this weekend. Insane feeling. I know as an uncle I can hand him back when it gets too much but speaking to my brother I completely understand how you feel. The sleepless nights seem to be particularly gruelling. You have a great partner, you’ll be totally fine as you support each other emotionally and physically so well. You’re going to make the best dad! Enjoy it mate they grow rapidly!

To echo Sammy’s words, thank you for all the input it really helped guide me to the best possible decision of my life. As you may have read, I was courageous enough to fight for ‘B’ and didn’t settle, found growth and nurtured that emotional connection first over the physical. I will no doubt have an amazing physical experience as a result and both very excited. I have had a few hiccups but I’m going to therapy and it’s made me finally deal with all my feelings. I’m working on making amends with the betrayal. I have found courage to admit to myself I suffer from the blues more deeply in form of depression. I would be very grateful to know does it ever completely go away? Sammy has followed in your path and been a tremendous help and guide to me.

I return the well wishes in tenfold, may parenthood be the making of you!

@Sammy1 ahaha thanks I’m working on the idea already!

Should get the survey results back this week now the bank holiday is done. Keep your fingers crossed all goes smoothly.

I had a great Bank Holiday weekend too, was introduced to my nephew, he’s so cute! B and I were very broody, seeing her with a baby in her arms made my heart melt. But we both just looked at each other and knew, on our journey back to London we discussed it and agreed to enjoy the freedom of no responsibility once married, rather than rush into baby making. Indulge in the thrills of the missed physical side just the two of us and really enjoy the adventure. Needless to say we just can’t control the itch for much longer ahaha. I hope Boris doesn’t have any other stupid plans up his sleeves. Just weeks away!!!!

I can just imagine your drunken behaviour. So you’re a sentimental drunk! I always pegged you as the crying type ahaha. I’m sure your bf wouldn’t mind hearing your explicit thoughts though! It’s okay to drink you know, as long as it’s not a crutch. Maybe limit it to social so if you do give in on the odd occasion, you don’t feel guilt ridden after. Although at a certain age the hangover is just not worth it!

I agree, well done us. We took the long road and really did a lot of inward soul searching before rushing into a relationship and it’s paid off. Who’d have thought we’d be here!

I’m going to give it a few days to see if @Jay2023 responds with his update, if not my next update will hopefully as a married man. Please keep fingers, toes everything crossed. I have a therapy session this afternoon, didn’t fully adhere to the task set but today I’m hoping to tackle the betrayal and best way to heal that.

Thanks Sammy you’ve been awesome mate, I’m an @ away if you need me. But I think you’ll be just fine , so enjoy the early butterflies and don’t let this drunken night derail you in anyway.

SAMMY! I could kiss you! I love that idea. Scabies? I haven’t brought a seedy bedsit. Visited often enough to know the place is in very good nick. It just needs modernisation the decor is a bit dated, but it has the potential to extend to make profit so if she really doesn’t like it. That’s ok too. I’ll do it as a project instead. We had to both extend our leases for our pads in London anyway because we couldn’t find a place before. So we have somewhere to stay. Your idea has swept me away too. What is Pinterest?

I couldn’t help but laugh, it almost sounds like you’re more excited at the prospect of cementing your relationship with your bff then your man ahaha.

You’re again as always on the money. Experience is what makes us more self aware. My  therapist is getting me to utilise this awareness in a more positive way. I have just come back from a very productive session this morning. She taught me about the cycle, how our thoughts create feelings. Feelings create behaviour and our behaviour reinforces our thoughts. So the sooner you intercept a negative thought the less likely you are to fall into a negative loop which leads to depression. She has asked me to note take on my phone every hour, before our next session so she has a better idea of what type of behaviours affect my mood. Whether I will stick to that I don’t know ahaha. We spoke about my ex again today and some of the questions she asked made me cry especially those focused around self blame. I wasn’t expecting that. I felt embarrassed at first by the end I felt comfortable for the tears to fall and let go. I love ‘B’ with all my heart but there are some feelings the therapist said is okay to keep for yourself. I think I’m filling those gaps finally and will be coming to ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

@Jay2023 have you had therapy yet? It’s actually great bro so I hope yours comes through fast!