Dear Andromeda

I’m dragging my husband down and I am a burden. I know he would be better off if I set him free.

I am sorry that you feel that you are such a dark painful place. Do you realise that if you chose to exit this life, your husband could end up feeling like you do after your nephews death. I say this not to guilt trip you, but to give yourself a chance to pause and in that pause you may get a chance to see that there are other ways for your pain to end and joy to be in your life.

Even in that darkness you found the strength to feel the sunshine and listen to the birdsong. so there is something strong & vital inside you that can bear this pain & connect with the joy & beauty of this world.

I pray that you get support from the members of this site as well as those around you

Dear Pj

I am sorry about your mothers deteriorating health. Having someone bedridden is both physically & emotionally draining.

Can i ask how did she become incapacitated? Was physiotherapy an option?  My father is 93 with dementia and he will eventually loose the capacity to walk. He does have days when he is not weight bearing, this happens when he is ill with a chest infection or he regularly every six weeks or so has 2 days where he is more asleep than awake. At these times I wonder if he is going to be able to walk again, but I keep trying to keep his fitness levels up, as I know if he was in a carehome he would deteriate more quickly as they are not encouraged to wander about especially if they are deemed a falls risk like my father

There are exercises that she may be able to do whilst in bed to help with muscle wastage and I have noticed that dad tries to follow exercises that I play on you tube he enjoys chair yoga that has songs that have subtitles so that we can sing along with.

I start each day by kissing him on the forehead and telling him that I love him and that is also how I finish our day.

kind regards

Roberta

Dear Artico7

I noticed in your  last paragraph reply to Anita there were many “if” scenarios of a  perceived negative projected future .

How is this for a rethink. I am lucky, I am now free, I can now encounter a man who has a healthy connection to his family, who is kind and compassionate and I will be welcomed into the family just as I am and in the meantime I will fill my life with joy & beauty.  As you say these things note how you feel in your body & mind.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Imback

What kinds of things are you interested in? Is there places that you can do voluntary work in your area?

Do something that is not just for your enjoyment ie computer games etc, but helps you connect with others in your community will help  you especially if it is outdoors.

A quote by Shunryu Suzuki……Each of you is perfect the way you are …and you can use a little improvement

Dear Artic07

Each time you go over what happened, telling the story over & over in your head you are opening up that wound & pouring salt  into it. Mindfulness techniques help to make you aware that you are no longer present heart centered but have slipped into the past or future ego brain centered. The more we practice being present we are able to untangle ourselves more quickly and see the storylines that bring about the additional suffering to are already tender heart.

Roberta

Dear Artic07

I am sorry that your relationship did not pan out as you hoped for after many years of waiting for a different outcome.

Allow yourself grieve for the loss of this particular  projected future for a short while, but also note the reality of the past cold rudeness.  It is possible that could have become the norm.  When we become infatuated, we have expectations and can gloss over difficulties. I am guessing that it is the relationship that was more important to you due to your childhood experiences.

Have you found a job? or something to focus on in the gaps between bouts of grief.

I am sure other members will give you better insights

kind regard

Roberta

Dear Sandy

I am sorry that you find yourself in an unsatisfactory relationship.

When one feels that they are walking on eggshells, they are almost continually putting their body & mind under stress. So what steps do you take to decompress?

You have a right to be happy as long as the way that you pursue it does not harm others.

May be you could ask your partner what brings him joy and happiness? then encourage him in those areas and if possible join him in those pursuits. When we are relaxed & enjoying ourselves, conversations flow more easily ( and companionable silence), that way you can gently build the bridge of communication and eventually be able to approach more sensitive subjects using non violent communication see Marshall Rosenbergs You tube talks.

A technique that you can use is to sing along with your favourite songs, this way you can give your voice an avenue to express yourself. I like strong females like Sinead O’conor, Patti Smith, Alison Moyett. My favourite  male singer is Leonard Cohen, ( he actually spent some time as a buddhist monk) which one of my partners did not like so I would play it when he was not around.

I still have Leonard Cohen in my life, but not that partner!

I am sure others on this site will give you excellent insight to your dilemma

Kind regards

Roberta