Hi Paradoxy

I guess when someone demands something it makes it harder to say no in the moment.  I remember I saw a friend in the street loading her car up with empty wine bottles to take to the recycling and she said “don’t tell anyone” – shes an alcoholic. My reply was I don’t do secrets as that just adds a level of fear to the problem.

Yes B has had a very different upbringing, where ethical standards were definitely not the norm. I do not know if she can or will  make the decision to permanently change the way she is living her life.

I hope that you find an uncomplicated person to share your life with.

Dear Paradoxy

She had told me not to tell my only other close friend that we broke up,

She made a demand to you, that you legitimately chose not to comply with. You were not lying, but the opposite you spoke the truth to your close friend.  If a bully told you to jump of a bridge, would you beat yourself up for not complying?

Finding good healthy truths in your life are important, they will help protect you from being coerced & manipulated in future situations.

Dear Beni

If someone does not reply on a forum or the phone within a time it’s easy to feel rejected. It’s already special for our systems to communicate without seeing or hearing.  and yet you say feel pressurized by what you perceive as others expectations of you. Each of us has their own timescale/speed that also changes from circumstances/perception.

This was shown clearly to me today & I had to laugh at myself or rather my ego’s hypocrisy. I take my father out for a drive nearly everyday and he gets anxious if I drive faster than he likes, so we normally do 20mph, today we were behind two others cars and I felt impatience arise until I looked at the speedo we were doing 20mph! even as I was writing this the words dawdle and stuck came into my  mental narrative ha ha ego trying once again to cause suffering even when retelling such a minor story.

Hope you are having a good weekend

Dear Andromeda

I’m dragging my husband down and I am a burden. I know he would be better off if I set him free.

I am sorry that you feel that you are such a dark painful place. Do you realise that if you chose to exit this life, your husband could end up feeling like you do after your nephews death. I say this not to guilt trip you, but to give yourself a chance to pause and in that pause you may get a chance to see that there are other ways for your pain to end and joy to be in your life.

Even in that darkness you found the strength to feel the sunshine and listen to the birdsong. so there is something strong & vital inside you that can bear this pain & connect with the joy & beauty of this world.

I pray that you get support from the members of this site as well as those around you

Hi Beni

I came across this quote last week and have found it helpful especially when things do not pan out the way I want or quickly enough. Any action done out of pure intent to bring joy or to relieve suffering is never lost, even if the immediate outcome is not what we want, and even if it is the opposite.

Dear ParadoxMusic

It is natural to want to help a loved one heal & change their circumstances, but sometimes that person’s issues are beyond our capabilities and need professional help. It does not mean that we have failed or that we do not love them enough.

Sometimes all we can do is wish them well & step back.

Roberta

Dear Imback

Too much, too quick, too deep is probably why you maybe feeling overwhelmed and lost.

On the surface it appears that you are both  maybe co-dependant & clingy.

I guess you do need to set boundaries, like you can spend at least one or two times a week with your friends and not have that time interrupted by intrusive texts. Hopefully she would use that free time to connect with friends or do something that she finds interesting & enjoyable.

There  are books on the subject of having a relationship with someone with BPD which may help you decide whether you want to stay with her & if so how to cope.

Dear Paradox Music

I am sorry that your first romantic/sexual encounter was not a happy healthy one.

In time you will see how strong the pull of attraction can cloud your judgement and make one rush into intimacy and gloss over or ignore red flag behavior.

Please do not allow her actions lead you down the painful road of becoming a woman hater, because ultimately it is you who will suffer as that kind of poisonous thought will be toxic to your relationship with the whole world including yourself.

Keep yourself connected to why you wanted to study medicine focus on your studies, keep well away from that woman and be gentle with yourself.