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HelcatParticipantI respect your decision. Please feel free to resume contact if you ever change your mind.
HelcatParticipant*wasn’t abused because of who I am
HelcatParticipantI have only read one of the threads in full. I have responded to your current posts. You frequently reference themes from earlier in the threads. I do not assume that you need to hear these words specifically, I was sharing my thoughts and experiences. This is a public forum, many people may read them. If someone can find any comfort or use in my thoughts, great. I apologise, it was not my intent to make you feel uncomfortable. If you prefer, I could not reply to these threads you resurrected.
Perhaps it is important to consider why you feel uncomfortable?
”You” can be used in general or plural. The last reply on this thread wasn’t addressed to you personally.
I simply felt that the thread contained a lot of voices that believed it’s impossible to heal from trauma. I believe the opposite, so I thought it important to share that perspective since it wasn’t present.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
Helcat.
HelcatParticipantIf you can tolerate distress and anxiety well why do you avoid these activities?
My point is that even though your anxiety has significantly reduced doing paperwork or going to the doctor can trigger anxiety, in most people without severe anxiety it wouldn’t.
You have made significant progress, granted but perhaps your anxiety can be reduced even more.
Even for myself, I would say that my anxiety is much lower than it used to be. But I still experience anxiety on a daily basis at a level where I would benefit from reducing it further.
The bar for your happiness seems low. Filling out forms and going to the doctor are generally not enjoyable even for people without anxiety. They are needs to be met, namely healthcare, independence and fiscal responsibilities.
The reason I suggested additionally pursuing activities that enhance happiness is because they are inherently relaxing and potentially easier to adjust to. By adjusting to easier activities it can help you become more confident and achieve your other goals.
Which parts of arranging or going to appointments are you uncomfortable with? Are there any things that would make you feel safer? Perhaps a friend could come with you? Are there any advocacy services that can assist with doctors appointments and such?
My advice regarding paperwork is commit to doing a little of it. 5 minutes of paperwork is potentially more bearable than doing the whole thing. How often of doing paperwork for 5 minutes do you think would be a realistically achievable goal? Once a week, every day, twice a week? What are some strategies to relax you that can support you while doing this activity? Are there any services that can help you fill out paperwork?
What specifically causes discomfort regarding paperwork?
HelcatParticipantI would also add that personally, I do believe that it is possible to overcome even severe abuse.
It takes a lot of time, hard work, exposure to positive experiences, kind people and an amazing trauma therapist.
It doesn’t erase what happened. Or mean that you will never experience the pain you felt ever again. But things can get easier to bear. And one day you may even find yourself going through your day without thinking about those experiences. Even when you do think about those experiences, that is okay too.
HelcatParticipantI agree with much of what you said regarding the inner bully.
I’d like to share my experience of largely overcoming it.
My method was tackling the negative beliefs that I held about myself. “I’m not good enough!” was a regular back in the day. To counteract this I explored the ways in which I am a good person.
Learning to forgive myself was an importantstep too. People aren’t perfect and they make mistakes. Committing to do better and working to resolve qualities and traits that I didn’t like about myself helped me to like myself.
Self-love is something that takes time to develop. For a long time, it felt like the pieces were there but they didn’t quite fit. I developed confidence in my own skills and abilities, overcame anxiety to achieve goals, I was kinder to myself and even liked myself, I protected my boundaries. Yet, I didn’t feel like I loved myself.
Then one day it clicked. To want those things for yourself you have to love yourself. Loving yourself is not necessarily how you feel about yourself. It is the commitment to the process of taking care of yourself and believing that you deserve good things.
I would add that having supportive caring people in your life is very beneficial for this process as often it is other people that encourage you and believe you deserve better before you believe it yourself.
HelcatParticipantVery true! I would add that as children and sometimes as adults we experience magical thinking.
You have mentioned before that even children try to control their surroundings to protect themselves.
Assuming responsibility is part of this magical thinking.
I used to go over the day every night and figure out how I could behave perfectly to avoid the bad things that happened.
As a child I believed that my mother abused me because of something I did.
But the truth is no matter what you and I, or any abused child did abuse would occur regardless.
It gave me great comfort when I realised that I was abused because of who I am. Who I am is irrelevant. Any child living in that house would have been abused. It was a matter of circumstance, an unlucky lottery if you will.
Another great comfort is realising that other people and even yourself can provide the love that we missed out on with our parents.
HelcatParticipantYes, there was a focus on tolerance to how others behave. Say if someone was critical and that triggered uncomfortable feelings. I don’t imagine the focus would be on accepting bad behaviour, but I would imagine being in control of how we choose to respond to it or how much things bother us. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. Are you angry about it or not? Perhaps someone who gets angry about it would practice dealing with those emotions in a healthy way?
Yes, this reminds me of something I read. I don’t believe that I have shared it yet as it was from a book before starting this thread. I’m afraid I don’t remember which.
A tourist that visits Paris doesn’t know Paris. A person who has lived in Paris for many years doesn’t know Paris.
My understanding of this is their perspective of Paris linked to their lifestyle. Perhaps a true representation of Paris are the combined experiences of every individual in Paris?
I welcome you and anyone else to participate in this thread if desired. I believe Peter may drop by at some point. Not to worry though, I will continue to address the daily post to everyone to encourage people to participate if they wish. Please do not worry or feel put off about others interacting.
I have actually been practicing what you suggested. Meditating while stressed. It is a very different experience for me compared to meditating when relaxed. It has been helpful for being more aware of how my thoughts and emotions impact me. As well as lessening my desire to act on any impulses. Perhaps I am getting more comfortable with sitting with the feelings?
In contrast, when I meditate while relaxed, my thoughts start shutting down, a pleasant feeling sometimes occurs and I often find myself falling asleep.
HelcatParticipantHi Anita!
I was wondering when you would make a thread of your own! I didn’t realise there was one around from many years ago. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I very much appreciate the care and attention that you put into your posts.
I am wondering, say imagine that you had no anxiety at all. What would you like to do that you don’t do at the moment because of anxiety?
I think it’s good to work on things that you need to do. But if you could work on things that could enhance your life, that could bring you a lot of happiness.
It sounds like your anxiety levels are quite high on a daily basis? Is this assumption correct?
My therapist explained that PTSD is very much related to avoidance. The more you try to avoid the memories of what happened, the more they insert themselves into your day.
As I have shared before, also something I learned my therapist, the more you avoid activities that induce anxiety, the more fear of them is reinforced.
I’m going to be honest, based on my experiences it can take 6 months to adjust to a new activity that triggers anxiety. Each new activity you add can start the process all over again, though sometimes it can take less time to adapt the more practice with this you get.
Some things that you might want to research. Distress tolerance and exposure therapy. You don’t necessarily have to go to a therapist to practice exposure therapy, you can create your own goals and follow the guidelines at your leisure.
How do you feel when you are very very anxious?
HelcatParticipantIt’s wonderful to hear that the cat has found a new home! I’m sure they will have a happy life together.
That is charming and surely good karma.
Hi everyone!
Today from the Four Illusions.
Prince Candraprabha asked how to attain Buddha’s knowledge. Two main strategies outlined were, meditation and tolerance.
On tolerance, there are two main themes. Tolerance towards other people and tolerance towards ideas.
Yesterday, I forgot to add the book outlined that whilst recognizing the four illusions is still painful, it is considered impossible to gain enlightenment.
It goes on to describe tolerance towards different ideas such as the empty or illusionary nature of all things. By being receptive to these ideas it is possible to overcome attachment to anger, desire and delusion.
This reminds me of teachings by Tsokyni Rinpoche who described the nature of understanding emotions and thoughts. He suggested that an initial feeling is natural but any thoughts that follow are created by the mind and illusionary.
I read somewhere, (potentially the Buddha’s teachings) that perspective is what drives how we respond to things.
I have noticed that whilst I’m in distressing emotional states, not much good comes from the thoughts created. It is more useful to watch and not act on these them, unless needed.
HelcatParticipant@Anita Hi Everyone!
I needed a break because things have been stressful lately, but I’m ready to crack on again now!
Thank you for the link! I will be sure to check out the book.
You make some good points, I will keep this in mind.
Almost every book I have read about Buddhism has mentioned the middle path. I think it’s a favourite.
The Lotus Sutra is finished. The next book I am reading is called Four Illusions. In keeping with our discussion, this book is about the middle path and contains advice for those who wish to travel the path.
Four basic illusions are discussed. Believing that impermanent things are permanent, believing that pain is pleasurable, believing that which is impure is pure and believing in self. People who falsely believe in these things suffer. Buddhist teachings ease suffering and frees the mind.
When impermanence is viewed as impermanence, pain is perceived as pain, the self as selfless and impurity as impure suffering can be overcome.
HelcatParticipantHi LexiDee!
It seems like it was all a big misunderstanding. That being said, the owner of the business should not have yelled at you or threatened you.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with that abuse.
May 8, 2022 at 11:41 am in reply to: I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all. #399701HelcatParticipantHi Lea!
You could try Google to look for adhd study tips there might be something useful! I wonder if you have tried speech to text for writing reports and essays. My husband was a fan when he had a lot of essays to write in a week.
You mentioned that you are scared of failure. Have you failed classes before or is this a hypothetical fear? Do you have any reasoning behind why you are afraid of failing?
HelcatParticipantHi greenshade!
I can understand that! It is also interesting learning about how it links into your background.
Personally, I don’t know if you are biased, this to me would suggest that your feelings aren’t an accurate representation of what has been going on. You workplace has mistreat you so in my opinion these feelings are justified even if you have been treat worse in other jobs.
But regarding the history of abuse. I was wondering if there are any specific people that trigger you?
I only ask because I have a history of abuse and in an unhealthy work environment there was an an individual that was a trigger. Fortunately, I’m in a much better work environment now.
I guess, if you want to try to continue working in this environment the question is can you emotionally separate the past indiscretions from the irritating behaviour regarding micromanaging?
Lots of workplaces do irritating micromanaging. However, wage theft and being thrown under the bus by management is abusive.
HelcatParticipantHi Everyone!
Thank you for your quote as well Anita. I often use that prayer when I am having difficulty accepting things. Perhaps I should practice it more often!
Today, the lotus sutra shared a tale of a bodhisattva. He burned his arms in prayer giving up his attachment to them as a commitment to achieve enlightenment. His followers were upset by this and he comforted them sharing his reasoning and adding if his commitment is true his arms will be restored, thusly they were restored.
The sutra details that giving of ourselves is a far greater gift than any land or commodity.
I am not fond of affirmations but I have written one to practice. I give myself permission to be happy. I shall also practice the serenity prayer regularly and see where this takes me.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 