Hi Bee

I’ll point out that your sister is a different person and she was still abused. Any child born to your parents would be abused.

We can create our own misery in life as adults. But as children we are innocent, should be loved and protected by loving parents. Unfortunately, not all children are lucky enough to be born to healthy loving families. Any misery caused by unhealthy abusive families is 100% their responsibility.

We cannot change the past, but I hope you can take solace in the fact that you are doing your best you can to handle things in healthier ways now.

Often, abused children learn abusive habits from their parents. This is an unfortunate reality. But you as have many others are choosing to reject the behaviours that you learned as a child. I think you are not giving yourself enough credit for the steps you have been taking.

I know that while I was being abused as a child I was very angry. I enjoyed fighting with other children. I bullied bullies because I couldn’t defend myself against my bully at home. It made me feel strong and powerful. But this aggression spread, I started lashing out at my friends when they told hurtful jokes. When I noticed that I was starting to hurt my friends I stopped it all because I didn’t want to turn out the same way as my mother.

We can only change when we are fully aware of our actions.

Let me ask you, what good is coming from you torturing yourself over your past behaviour? My concern as I mentioned before is that ruminating on this is a pattern of self-abuse for you.

I would also add that this world is inherently traumatic. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has hurt someone unintentionally. Everyone has experiences of trauma by the time they become an adult. Whilst it is unfortunate that so many people experience pain, it is also a part of life. It is every adults responsibility to learn to manage their emotions and boundaries.

It is my understanding that with a significant amount of practice depression can be overcome.

I have been reading some interesting texts written by masters recently and my understanding of this phenomena is slightly different.

Whilst we all have buddha nature, what I believe this means is not that we are all enlightened. But that we all are inherently good, have the facility to practice and make healthy changes. What practice does is train you to access buddha nature. Whereas for others that don’t practice buddha nature might be accessed infrequently.

As for ego, even masters have ego. It is part of the human experience and how we function.The key is not letting ego drive all decision making. Learning to let ego take a back seat because there is more than ego.

It is helpful to understand various concepts, but at the same time they are dualistic. These ideas both exist and they don’t. Often, what we learn to be true in one moment is no longer true in the next. It is my belief that we need to be fluid and not attach too much to concepts. They teach us lessons, not hard and fast rules.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.

@anita

I’m feeling calmer too! Things are quiet and peaceful at the moment. Long may it continue.

@anita

Thank you for your kindness! How are you doing today?

Hi David

I’m so sorry I didn’t realise that you’d sent another message! It has been pretty hectic on my end recently. Thank you for sending another message. Please feel free to @ myusername  with no space between the @, if you would like to talk. It will go straight to my email.

How are you feeling at the moment with the calls?

Did the other kids tease or bully you at school?

How would you feel about telling her the whole truth? Perhaps when you do it can finally be over? If you imagine the calls and such ending, how would you like it to end?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Bee

I just wanted to add that the impact of verbal abuse is significant. It directly relates to the difficulties that you are currently experiencing.

We absorb negative messages that people we care about tell us. These messages can become deeply embedded in our minds.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Helcat.

@anita

In the past, I asked him to let me make decisions when it came to my family. I don’t usually ask for his insight when it comes to making decisions. I think he was trying not to pressure me and there was a misunderstanding of what I was asking. He did give an answer after I clarified exactly what I was asking of him.

I don’t know, potentially. I think it’s complicated. I’ll have to think more deeply on it.

I’m the kind of person that when they make a decision I don’t take it back. That is why I haven’t acted yet.

I previously communicated with my family that the arguments were unhealthy and negatively impacted my mental health. So largely they stopped yelling and swearing. I give people chances and appreciate when people actively try to change.

Hi Lloyd!

It’s good to hear that you are finding it easier to centre yourself even while you’re in the midst of some challenging circumstances.

There are many types of self-care, from managing basic needs such as sleep, health, food, exercise, showering and socialising. To practicing self-soothing techniques like meditation, journaling or aromatherapy. Beyond that is any activity that you find relaxing or enjoyable such as treating yourself to your favourite food, watching a comedy and any hobbies. Even going to therapy is practicing self-care. Taking a break and saying no I’ll do something later when needed is also self-care.

Personally, I like the outdoors. I’m like a dog, I’ll be sad if I don’t go outside for my walk. I practice meditation and journaling. I enjoy reading and watching tv to relax. A scented candle is nice way to relax before bed. My husband found manly scented candles we both love! They have scents like beer and cigarettes and whisky. Also, I go to an acupuncturist and chiropractor to manage my health.

I think it’s always a good idea to include self-care in your daily routine. But when I’m feeling particularly stressed I tend to do one or two extra things since the goal of self-care is to help us manage our emotions.

Do you do any self-care activities already that you perhaps didn’t realise were self-care?