Hi Arie

That is understandable! He is going through a very difficult time at the moment. He communicated that he isn’t able to be as responsive at the moment and isn’t able to see you right now for a very good reason. I’m sure when he is able he will be in contact with you.

You are correct. None of this is your fault, he is simply trying to pick up the pieces and put himself back together after the abuse he received from his mother. It is very kind of you to be concerned and want to help. But this is something he may largely have to do alone until he feels better and the abuse dies down.

I recommend against going over. He may not feel up to leaving the house due to his depression and being around his mother is a bad idea as it may encourage her to involve you in her abuse. When he feels up to it picking him up and going elsewhere might be a good option.

How are you doing? I hope you are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself occupied to distract yourself from the stress of your partners situation.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Brian

I have found it difficult to socialise with people due to a lack of trust after experiencing trauma. I also have a learning disability so people often describe me as weird. But weird isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My husband is weird and I love that about him. Own your weird!

My own low self-esteem and social anxiety issues caused me to feel uncomfortable around others.

Seeking therapy, addressing self-esteem and social anxiety issues helped me. Also, I had to practice being around people while I was uncomfortable in order to relax around them and be more comfortable. Depending on the situation this took a great deal of time, patience and willingness to experience discomfort.

Personally, I am not uncomfortable when discussing things with you. I experience mild discomfort when my morals and even myself as a person are dismissed. Dismissing people is often considered rude or hurtful. You have a habit of performing this behaviour.

Do I believe that you intend to cause harm by doing this? I hope not, I believe that you may do this when you are feeling uncomfortable.

Perhaps there is a middle ground that could be reached? That may involve altering your communication style in an effort not to dismiss people or simply thanking people for their feedback.

Personally, I had to learn to alter my communication style and set boundaries because I had a habit of allowing abuse. Assertiveness is a great communication style that I found helpful.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Arie

I have been following this thread. I think it’s understandable why you have been concerned. You sensed that something was amiss and it was.

He is depressed and avoiding you because of abuse at home. His mother threatened to kick him out because you are dating (She would threaten this with any girlfriend). As you are being involved in the abuse, it’s understandable that he needs space during this tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle. None of this is your fault, but you do need to accept what is happening.

In a less tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle his depressive mood may stabilise. There is a small chance he may resume the relationship then if you respect his needs and give him the space he asked for.

During the requested space, perhaps it might be okay to ask if he would mind you texting him say once a week to check in? Whatever timeframe he agrees to you should accept and stick to.

I’m sorry that things are painful because a) he is suffering and you want to be there for him and b) he isn’t able to cater to your needs during this time. You must ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship? He may have difficulty sustaining a relationship while he lives with his mother. If things recover I recommend that you do not spend time at his house. Meeting elsewhere would be ideal.

As for S&M, if he doesn’t try and coerce you into participating I see no issue. It is up to you whether you participate or not. Be prepared to set some boundaries about what you do and don’t want to do!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Petalinthewind

You said yourself that ultimately nothing happened. Worst case you were considering an affair. There is a huge difference between thinking about something and going through with it.

We all have doubts and fears. Consider the situation that lead to those thoughts occurring. You mentioned that you felt lonely in your marriage at the time and that this man coming into your life was someone that you used to love.

I think it’s understandable that you had complicated feelings about the whole situation.

What would you think if a friend were in a similar situation? Would you blame your friend?

Perhaps, you are feeling guilty not for what happened but what could have happened under different circumstances?

If he too was lonely in his marriage too and wanted to rekindle a relationship with an old flame. Perhaps you fear that the situation would have ended differently?

Would your guilt be tied to feelings for your husband? Or do you still feel a desire to leave your marriage?

Hi Angel

So sorry to hear about the difficulties you experienced. Clearly, he became verbally abusive. It sounds like he has a drinking problem too. Do you remember when he started behaving this way in the relationship?

You mentioned before that you have a habit or ignoring signs of bad behaviour when you care about someone. This is something you must address for future relationships to be successful.

I have a question about your original concerns regarding the relationship, namely about his family’s influence on the relationship. Did this become an issue as you suspected?

My hope is that answering these questions will help answer yours.

Hi Ivygrl!

Thank you for pinging me! It’s so good to hear that you are doing well. I’m sorry I lost track of your thread. Please feel free to do so again in the future, it goes straight to my e-mail.

To answer your previous questions about self-care. It might involve sticking to a routine. Making sure you eat, drink, bathe, brush your teeth, sleep and exercise regularly.

But you can get create with it. It might involve writing a journal, drawing or doing makeup. Anything you like or enjoy counts as practicing self-care. If you are having a difficult day it is very important to take extra care of yourself and treat yourself very kindly. This helps you recover from the difficulties.

You mentioned being scared about writing in a journal. If you are scared about getting into trouble for writing something in your journal you don’t have to write exactly what happened. You could focus on your feelings and keep things vague so that no one is identified. This means that you would not include the content of the argument.

E.g. I feel hurt. School was difficult. I had an argument today, it was really upsetting. I don’t think it was fair.

You asked about how to stop punishing yourself and pushing yourself so hard. By treating yourself kindly and practicing self-care. People are able to do more when they are happy and relaxed. They have difficulty doing things when they are tired and stressed. Pay attention to how you feel. If you don’t feel great, you need to take care of yourself.

Goals take time to achieve. You already have a busy life with school. Prioritising tasks is an important skill.

It’s important and it needs to be done quickly.

It’s important but doesn’t need to be done quickly.

It needs to be done quickly but isn’t that important.

It isn’t important and doesn’t need to be done quickly.

The most important thing for drawing, writing or any skill is to practice. It’s okay to take breaks, but if you try to draw or write something once a week or once every two weeks, over time all the practice adds up.

How to stay accountable for the things you’d like to learn and taking care of your needs? Prioritising tasks and activities might be helpful.

Advice on how not to forget about books while studying. When studying it is suggested to take regular breaks. Everyone’s needs are different. Use a timer on your phone or a clock to figure out how long it takes for you to find it difficult to concentrate. For me, it’s about 40 mins. Next, try taking different lengths of breaks on different days. Somewhere between 5 mins and an hour is recommended. Figure out what is best for you. After your break, continue studying.

If you manage your time and take breaks while studying then you are scheduling putting your book down and scheduling when to pick it up again. A bookmark to hold your position might be helpful if you don’t have one already. A set place where you put your books when you study might help remind you of where they are when you put them down.

Good luck with everything! What are your favourite genres of book to read? I like horror, fantasy and science fiction.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Mary

I’ve vaguely been following this thread, but haven’t felt the need to add to it because it seems like Anita has been a great support.

From reading your last message it seemed like initially you were both communicating maturely and sharing your hurt feelings with each other.

My impression of where things went wrong is when the word toxic was used. It is a rather inflammatory thing to say and would provoke a negative response with a lot of people. Blame is being placed with this word and blame isn’t conducive to healthy communication.

I don’t believe that was your necessarily your intent. You were communicating your honest feelings. Assertive communication is very difficult and well done on setting some boundaries.

My take on the situation overall is that this individual is sensitive. If you care about her, I would simply recommend choosing your words carefully when discussing difficult feelings.

Obviously, you took responsibility for your part in all of this. Clearly she is still upset and focused on the recent incident of you suggesting that her behaviour is toxic. You may want to apologise for using that phrase.