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OK, to make you feel better, my DH had a girlfriend that he couldn’t say “No” to. And he ~ wait for it ~ moved all his stuff out and rode away on his bike!! YES, she came home to an empty house. YES, she was pissed! YES, she got over it (eventually fell in love, got married and had a family)! YES, she eventually found out where he lived years later. YES, she asked if they could get together for “lunch while she was in the area”. YES, he told her “No” (perhaps for the first time). Guess what? Everyone survived!
In this case YOUR physical safety TRUMPS his hurt feelings. Matt’s right. It’s NOT worth the risk!
Hi catrina,
You will make friends. You will also one day be in another relationship. But people are like fish. Hard to catch with a rod (time/patience/you go to them) but sometimes easier to catch with a net (when they come to you). What I’m saying is there will be friends and a loved one. Later/now/tomorrow/next week. Grab onto Faith more than Hope in this one.
And not to be morbid, but the people who would show up at your funeral/wedding, those are your friends. Including family you wouldn’t think of! Maybe reconnect to old classmates, people from your hometown, friends of the extended family?
Meanwhile, your job is to be utterly comfortable being by yourself. You can say, “The weekend? Oh good, I get to: read, go places, do things!”
Maybe set a date to visit your family? At a low key time (i.e. not holidays).
Good Luck!
Inky
Hi jeeva,
Well, there is genetic memory. If you went through a famine, your descendants will tend to be overweight. If you went through a war, your descendants will be more anxious. My mother’s father passed away while she was carrying me. YES, I totally received her grief hormones or received her altered body chemistry.
Then there is past life things. Don’t be surprised if your children take after you. That said, don’t be surprised if they don’t! They are different people, after all.
Clean up your mental and habitual act and don’t worry so much about it.
Best,
Inky
How about “I haven’t changed. I’m the same person I’ve always been. I wish you all the best.”
I do admit I’m a stickler for the last word. So if someone says I’m (whatever) I always say (actually I’m this). I do this until they say, “OK, fine” and don’t make it about me anymore (basically when they stop saying/implying “you”).
Good Luck!
Hi misunderstood,
You are not being selfish. Don’t think of it as stopping contact, think of it as taking a break. You may change your mind.
With my mom (for one instance) I would use The Broken Record Technique. One holiday she went on and on about everyone’s weight. We had an office “NO” button which would say “NO!” LOL. Every time she brought up weight I’d push the button. “NO!” I got the dirty looks, but she started up again. “NO!” Finally she stopped talking about it and we talked about politics and religion instead!
The other thing I do is Let Them Talk Themselves Out. They rant and rave. I sit quietly and listen (and take it) for twenty minutes. They’re expecting me to get upset and argue. I don’t. Finally they stop and ask if I have anything to say. I reply, “I was going to say something but I lost my train of thought. I need to remember what I was just thinking about it was really important.” Then I go make tea and ask them if they want any. Change the script.
Lastly I would keep asking questions. Even leading questions. No hint of anger in my voice. Then they’d answer. If they asked me what I thought I’d say, “Well, I think this but what do you think about that?” Never arguing.
Basically I never tell the other person they’re wrong. I never argue. I’m all, “Oh, their face is turning red with rage, isn’t that interesting.” It’s an attitude.
Hope this helps even a little,
Inky
What would happen if you talked to him? Most men would back way off, and he would never say anything. And not only that, he would “get it”. Women tend to not give it up and/or it becomes an Issue. Don’t even tell her what’s going on.
Seriously. Call him and say, “Listen buddy, Wife and I are reconnecting and don’t need any outside distractions. Could you not return/lay off the texts/calls? Thanks. Keep this conversation between us.”
Wife would try to contact him and get miffed that he doesn’t return her calls or texts right away (if at all)! Meanwhile, you read and implement the Five Love Languages Book (Google it). Give her gifts, go out, rub her back, have long talks, help around the house. She will get pissed at him and enjoy your attention more.
If she ever figures it out say, “Yes, Friend talked to me and he wants to stay out of our marriage.” This gives the message that it was Friend’s idea to Leave and that he thought he was Treading on Sacred Ground. Hopefully this would embarrass her. (“What?! NO! He knew we were Just Friends!”) But hopefully it won’t come to that. She’ll just know that Friend isn’t around (perhaps enjoying his wife or a girlfriend!) and you are more attentive.
Hi Cecia,
My MIL had spinal stenosis for years. She was at such an advanced age that surgery wasn’t really an option. The worst thing that will happen is he will use a wheel chair and a walker/cane. But, as he’s primarily sitting most of the time, that’s not much of a change! MIL could still get up and walk even transitioning in the bathroom, into another chair or into the car. We did hire someone to help her, but you might have to do that anyway for an older parent. That’s what his life might look like if you don’t do the surgery. P.S. She LOVED swimming, as it was such a relief to float around in the water!
And pray for a successful surgery if he decides to have it, and POST surgery! That’s all you can do, pray for all the cards/planets to “align” for a successful, smooth surgery.
Best,
Inky
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.