Forum Replies Created
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Hi Helen,
You have nothing to apologize or feel sorry for. Long distance relationships are hard! They just are! He’s in Africa, you’re in the Middle East, you meet in London, the Skyping, the length of time of the relationship itself, not seeing each other in the flesh… Stop apologizing to C and stop saying you were wrong. That will just indulge his victim-hood and make him pouty.
Frankly, I would have stuck with A too. Maybe say, “Hey, just so you know, my ex/undefined relationship/old friend is here, how do you feel about that?” But if he’s jealous, I can see why you didn’t tell him.
This is what I would do: Every month and a half, invite C to a get-together, talk to him, have lunch, give him a little something. But that’s it! 45 days seems to be a magic timetable. You are expressing interest in a non-stalkery, non-threatening way. Putting feelers our but at the same time giving him some space.
Try it and see what happens!
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi brickflipper,
Oh the poor girl! I’m sorry, but all she needed to do was devote 100% of her energies into that thesis. The last thing she needed was babysitting two guy’s feelings during that time!!
Listen, Long Distance relationships are hard.
Moving in together is hard.
Grad school is hard.
Why does it have to be hard? Any of it?
I suggest she has a relationship AFTER grad school and have her OWN place.
This way, you can actually enjoy yourselves!! Then, after a year or two with no drama, get married.
Just my opine!
Good Luck!
Inky
Hi den385,
Can you go where the other spiritual people are? Like, to metaphysical bookstores/faires? If you see the same like-minded people and they are fairly local, there is a new friend!
And, at first blush, it sounds like a pain in the azz, but it is never a time waster. Pick a cause, find a need to fill, an organization, a mission ~ and do it! Help! Get involved! Habitat for Humanity, as one of many examples, LOVES to have strong young men on the worksite! Usually you will find other Real people who are very spiritual. They can’t help not to be, after helping others. Listen to your gut. If something calls to you, check it out!
Best,
Inky
Hi Hyo,
OK, I lived in the suburbs BUT within walking distance of Main Street. For you, get something within walking distance of the train station. My experience was awesome and wonderful. YES, there was a real sense of community! NO, not stifled! As for the house size, believe me, once he sees how much upkeep of a house is, he will compromise on a medium sized one or even a small one! Especially if you pick something walking distance from town!
You can also compromise, like, live in the city until you have kids, then move to the suburbs. But then move back to a more cosmopolitan atmosphere when they’re grown. My husband SOO wants to move, but I’m all, “Where?” Am also ready to keep my part of the deal and will downsize (he likes small houses ~ think caves LOL) where he decides ~ WHEN the last kid has left the nest.
I know it’s not easy, but it could be worse ~ think decorating!!
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi marisa,
Is he the father of your child? Is he living with you? Some might not think it matters, but it does!
My number one advice for you is to have your own place/space. When you two are 24/7 we can say things we don’t mean. He is TOO comfortable with you, know what I mean? He doesn’t even know he’s doing it, and if he does it’s “no big deal”. And the reason why you can’t let it go is because you feel like he didn’t hear you the first time!!
What if YOU said (as an experiment) out of the blue, “I can’t do this anymore”? He will be surprised, and rant and rave, but just say it. Then be silent. Leave that statement hanging. Don’t fight him about it, what you said, or the past. Just be silent, leave for a while, and let him sit with that anxiety.
Then when you return he’ll want to fix it. Then you say, “Now you know how it feels. Don’t ever make blanket statements like that again or you’ll create your own words into reality.”
Just see what happens.
Hi Jas,
Everyone goes through times when they think, or actually are, relatively isolated. I remember I was a young mom living in a new suburban town surrounded by mommies at LEAST ten years older than me! So there I was, 25, surrounded by other parents (some 40), and I felt so alone. Now twenty years later I’m surrounded by my “Tribe” (friends, neighbors and parents of my kids’ friends).
Sometimes, though, the “Tribe” frankly sucks. Some days I have trouble counting on one hand who would be there for me, or even who is still physically here (moving, death, new job).
Some decades, you suddenly realize that you have “outgrown” everyone. (Moving, job, marriage, stage of life, parenthood, out of school).
Also realize that if you’re not Receiving from your friends and family, that sometimes means that they have nothing to Give. Everyone is selfish first. It’s when people feel really good (or have really good breeding) that they feel a yen to give to others.
Hang in There,
Inky
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.