Hi Marki,

This may seem like a dumb question, but when you “sit at home all day and do nothing” what does that look like? Is it watching TV? (Reviewer!) Making something in the kitchen? (Cooking!) Playing on the computer? (Blogger!) Reading? (Librarian!) Meditating? (Being a meditation teacher!) Talking with your friends? (Councilor!) See where I’m going?

Best,

Inky

Hi Eevee,

There’s a couple things going on here that weren’t said above.

One is that we seldom stick with the BFs we make in college. B was a little immature in waiting as a wingman in case the relationship with A went wrong. By returning his gift you in essence called his bluff that he wanted a relationship and not just a friendship and then he got angry. Also, if he was so into you why didn’t he try contacting you himself in the past three years? He seems very passive to me.

The other thing is that you mentioned that if you left C he would become even more depressed or suicidal. OK that is emotional blackmail, even if you’re doing it to yourself. And since you’re fantasizing about B means that you’re not as into C as you think.

I say your best bet is to give up on A, B, and C and start over. It’s time to enter into healthy relationships with mature men.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Hi Annakcrook,

OK, at least she’s at your mother’s. And it looks like she is having trouble even there. Maybe it’s a good idea to have her live with ALL her/your relatives for a few weeks each. When she sees that all her cousins, aunties, uncles and grandparents have had it with her maybe she’ll realize that she’s the common denominator.

Personally, I could see her being disrespectful to your BF. In her mind, he’s just the boyfriend, and you are choosing him over her.
But explain that his name is on the mortgage so it’s his rules. That he’s not just living with you, it’s his house.

You should really kick her out of the pool house based on the weed. Just my experience and opine, but it often leads to other things and she’s ALREADY out of control.

Have a dozen applications to different schools go out at the same time. She needs to be in college. Any college. A community college, a correspondence course, work/study abroad. Her job is not enough for her, so of course she’s going to party in the pool house.

Someone who Partied in the Pool House,

Inky

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Hi Omion,

Your boyfriend is under a phenomenal amount of stress right now. In addition, he may have to raise two little ones! My DH’s mother is dying and our life has virtually stopped for the past year. This is my MIL’s time now. That’s the way you should look at it. It’s the brother’s time now.

If you do the slow fade he may not even notice. But if you stick with him for this tough life crisis, he might realize that you are solid. Now, if the brother dies and he still ignores you, then he’s not the one anyway. Also, if he inherits the kids, you don’t need to be a surrogate mom! Then you really won’t be able to spend time with him! And by the way, for any other crisis he will be this way. Unless you yourself are in a crisis. Then he’d give you %100!

It would seem pretty crappy if you broke up with him now, especially if you say, “You don’t pay enough attention to me” while the brother’s lying on his deathbed. He’d be relieved that there’s one less distraction or devastated. I myself would do the slow fade and be with him as a friend. Let him contact me. If more than a few weeks go by I would move on.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Hi buddhajackson,

If he brings it up, listen, and give him room to talk. Let him wear himself out talking. Ask leading questions like, “Why do you think you did that?” “How do you think that makes her feel?” “What do you think the fall out will be?” Maybe, just maybe, he will examine himself and learn something. If pressed for an opinion, it’s totally OK to say, “Well, I think you really blew it.” He did. He knows! Maybe he’ll find another great person in the future and be worthy of her.

Best,

Inky

Hi Christiebea,

Everything Yue said above, yes, yes, a hundred times yes!! A cell phone less break, hiking in nature!

I must warn you that what I’ve noticed is let’s say you go three weeks without contact… At a certain point they go crazy and will practically stalk you until you are found and then they become the most abusive. But if you can stay strong, the tsunami will pass and he will move on to other victims…

And let’s say he was a perfectly lovely person ~ You want kids. He doesn’t. Future real live children trump someone who’s just a boyfriend. This bears repeating. Don’t let someone who’s just a boyfriend make your children become fantasies. No. Your kids trump someone who’s just the boyfriend. Especially an emotionally abusive ex.

Date other people.

To Your Children,

Inky

Dear Lucy,

You handled yourself like a lady. Some of us may not have done the same. What you did/didn’t do was perfect.

Stuff: Sometimes ex’s hold onto our stuff, holding them hostage. When you didn’t contact/didn’t respond, and then you took your stuff away, and wouldn’t even argue with him, at that moment he realized that HE LOST YOU. You are gone. It’s over. Final. No drama. Even his friend could see that he was holding onto all the drama, thus the abuse.

I think THE best response is for you not to say anything at all. Maybe have a friend of a friend mention that s/he heard about his tantrum/fiasco with an eyeroll and ask if he’s OK. LOL.

In the future when/if an ex holds stuff hostage, most times it’s best to just give up the things or have THEM send us the stuff IF they want to or give it to charity. Never leave possessions anywhere, honestly.

You Did Great,

Inky

Hi Scottieflying,

It sounds like he needs a secretary or a valet. If my dad didn’t have his secretary he would never know when my birthday was. No joke ~ the secretary went on vacation and I didn’t get a call. LOL

I might have ADD, I never got tested ~ some days I swear I do. Whenever I say I’m going to call/whatever I make a note of it in my iPhone Notes and then put it in my calendar at home as if it were an appointment.

If he makes his “shoulds” into “appointments” on the calendar, it will become a habit. The trick is not to fill up the calendar or he’ll get overwhelmed. It should be for those “oh by the way” things that come up. Maybe one a day.

Good Luck!

Inky