Well, our society has become very shallow. They don’t understand deep connections much less have them. We are a consumer society as well. If you can’t bring something to the table, then you’re outta there! Oh, and if you’re a girl, you have to look good, too.

That being said, sometimes the greatest act of love is to get someone out of your life so they can shape up, or to protect your boundaries. (i.e. Not letting a raging alcoholic around your young family, or to cast a friend loose who hits on your spouse).

Can you revisit your people ten years later for a fresh start? I don’t know your particular story, but enjoy the time you have, even if it’s by yourself for now!

Oh, P.P.S. ~ What’s up with the child together and no marriage proposal? That could be a source of the real insecurity! Are you OK being just partners/co-parents, or are you on audition to be his wife? This is very important. Have you talked about your ultimate future? Are you afraid to ask?

Hi D,

Keep in mind that sometimes memories are False Memories, or you were already feeling the guilt, shame, etc. feelings and that the cartoon triggered it, then and now.

I would view the cartoon as symbolic ~ a holder of that unfortunate time and place in your life.

What to do with it ~ this is a wild thought ~ do you remember what cartoon it was? Maybe re-watch it and see if anything else comes up, insights and long buried emotions and memories. Or, YouTube cartoons of 1987 or the ’80s. As you watch them, you will realize that you were just an innocent kid then (YouTube 80’s commercials too!) and that there is no reason to feel shame or guilt then ~ or now, as an adult. And as an adult, you are actually very powerful.

I hate when they stop by to see how you “are” after a breakup! He also might be curious to see if you’ve found someone, or he is even keeping his options (you!) open.

Regardless, don’t view him as either/or, all/nothing.

Try not seeing, talking to him, etc. for a month. He will probably run into you “accidentally on purpose” anyway. Reset to Day One. Keep doing this until 30 days have passed. Then, when you talk to him or see him, you will both have clearer heads!

Miscarriages are horrible, remembering our experience. Have you grieved the baby? Done a ritual? It doesn’t have to be fancy, even lighting a candle for him/her.

It sounds like you’re not eating? (Unless the weight loss is caused by other things).

It might be helpful to have “Eating Stations”. You don’t have to have a farmer’s breakfast, but if you can force yourself to have a nip of cheese, great! If you grab a bite of sandwich at noon, wonderful! Grapes at three? Terrific! An appetizer at dinner, awesome! Try to have four (at least). This way your body will always be digesting something in its system, and that should ward off fainting.

The other things? Exercise, multi-tasking? Forget about it now! Grieving/meditating and eating are what you should deal with now. After the holidays, if you get through them without another spell, then tack on the other stuff.

Sultana,

I remember the first post. Here’s the thing (and what I told my sister on many occasions): You are not even the step-mom. You are the girlfriend. This is his son. My own mother couldn’t get my step-brother to move out. They finally moved to a way smaller house because my step-dad wouldn’t just kick him out. In some cases blood is thicker than water. What’s the cultural/ancestral background? Most Italians I know, for example, would never kick their kids out.

Now: It sounds like the dad likes the son coming and going, and that that is what their relationship would naturally be like anyway. What you are doing is, ultimately, and energetically saying: It’s me or him. My step-mother actually rented an apartment and moved a kid in there when they weren’t out of college a month! This way she cleverly side-stepped any It’s Me or Her future confrontation. But you aren’t even the stepmother, correct? Just a girl friend? You are, to the boys, becoming The Evil Step Mother. But here’s the thing: you’re not.

You need a sanctuary. So move or kick the boys out. No living together until marriage. But be very clear beforehand about The Rules.

I know it looks like I’m leaning toward “the other side”. But I would get a sanctuary first. You’re not going to get between the father and son. I know that’s not good news. So accept it.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

This is more for future reference: Do you really have Aspergers? If so, there is a book about loving someone with Aspergers. In fact, it is probably called Loving Someone with Aspergers. If you look for it you will find it. If she had that book, she may still have broken up with you, don’t get me wrong ~ but maybe she would have understood you better? I would get copies or resources like it for any future relationships/friendships so they “get you”.

Now ~ you are going through a mental breakdown. Can you see a therapist, call a mental health hotline or even check yourself into a facility?

After seven years everyone naturally changes, or begins anew on some level. If she is your soul mate, you will always have that connection, whether you are physically together or not. And remember, though this is hard to believe now: we have many soul mates. You were lucky enough to meet one. What a gift. Be grateful that it happened at all!

Get more support (off the internet!) and God Bless!

You cheating was a deal breaker. He can forever (even mentally) hang that over your head. So that part sucks.

The friend: I had two guys in love with me at the same time, and I’m not gonna lie ~ I loved every minute of it!! I really did! One was my partner, the other platonic, so it was, frankly, awesome. I stopped it, but why would he stop? His having a “harem” is the price you are paying for infidelity. Just the fact that he “confessed”, is your payback.

Also, if this is your best friend, it’s funny that you never talked about it. If you talk about it, are you afraid that it will somehow make it real? Exist? Give her power? Force his hand? She must know she has a part in a weird dynamic, and that she boldly talks to your fiancé as a best bro.

Can you tell her (gently) that you need more time with DH, and that, frankly, “It looks bad”, the two of them getting together and that “people talk”? Or, hey, you take up jogging and you need HER to get you in shape! If you join them or take her away one of the little bonds will be broken!

The wedding: Did you already send out the invitations? If not, then put him on marriage probation. No more best friend, no more criticisms. Make a love bank and put coins in for every kind word, every loving gesture. Take a coin out for best friend seeing, complaints, making you feel bad. See if there are any coins left six months from now and how many. That’s your answer. Yes, you can tell him you’re doing this. He can have one for you too, if he wants! Make it a competition who can fill up the other’s jar faster! 🙂 Trite, but powerful. We had a swear jar. One of the kids filled it up to the brink, and then suddenly stopped swearing!

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Inky.