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May 15, 2014 at 10:45 am in reply to: How to deal with people who think the world of themselves… #56335
InkyParticipantThis could have been a post written by me 20 years ago.
There are a few things going on:
1. People view you as “safe”, so when you (to them suddenly) speak up, set boundaries, they (suddenly) feel that they have lost you as their safe zone.
2. People can have the barnyard mentality. They never actually pick on the “dead dog”, but they will pick on you if they are lower down on the totem pole. You asserting yourself makes them think “Even she’s alpha over me! I don’t think so!” True Queen Bees or Kingpins don’t act this way. But the Wannabe’s and Toadies do!
Example: Everyone was telling me how supportive everyone is at the local Triathlons. I enter and my bike gets brake problems. So little by little I see that I am falling behind! (I am coasting on the bike now). Everyone who would place under 2 hours were great and supportive. But the people placing over 2 hours were terrified that I would beat them! It was beyond the natural competition. It was more, “OMG, I’m going to be beat by the middle-aged mom, oh no, not that!!” Whenever I would pass this one girl I’d hear her swear! She would pass me. I would pass her. Swearing! etc.!
I think what you’re experiencing is a “dominance” thing.
3. It’s easier to say “No’ once. Believe me.
4. They don’t speak to you again? Great! That means that they are actually afraid of you now! They know the jig is up! That you see right through them!
5. Now you are free to find better, quality friends. The more strong, respectful people you interact with, them more these other types will fade away.
InkyParticipantSometimes what has helped me in math is to get a new, different workbook from the bookstore which teaches the same math. Oftentimes you are looking at it in a different way, or the math book’s author teaches it in a different way. Also, new book = fresh start. Old textbook = failure in your subconscious.
Then actually do all the practice problems you can. Do 100. With no thought of grades.
And one day, believe it or not, you’ll never have to take another math course again!! You will end up in the future where you end up, and will probably be successful wherever you find yourself.
Being bad in math is so common, it’s a cliché. Every other random person on the street will remember being bad in math!!
InkyParticipantI know my approach seems manipulative, but it really isn’t. That’s how we teach children politeness. “You should do this/People do that/Don’t forget to..”
Just tell him and lead him to what you want. Eventually it will be innate in his nature.
InkyParticipantAnother Thing:
It will all boil down to what YOU do to acknowledge those days. Say, “If you don’t plan something, I will.” I know you want it all to inherently come from him. I totally get that. I’ve been there, believe me!! (see #2, above).
Circling the holiday on red in on the family calendar, and merely asking, “What are we doing for Valentine’s/Mother’s Day?” will at the very least plant the seed in his mind.
Or have another guy say, “DUDE! You have to do SOMETHING!!”
InkyParticipantHi Sherry,
You have to train these guys. There are four ways.
1. Your best girl friend and/or her husband calls him on his cell and says, “We have to do something for Sherry/the girls for Valentines Day/Mother’s Day!” Social Pressure. Win.
2. Cry. “I can’t believe you forgot Valentines/Mother’s Day AGAIN!” Then go into a depression for three days.
3. The day before plan to visit your mother, his mother, the ex, any mother. Go to a Sunday church service (their Mother’s Day service, usually a full house). Say, “I expect coffee in bed”. When your kids run to you while in bed say, “It’s Mother’s Day”. Young as they are, they will panic and produce a card. Or, just don’t get out of bed. Be waited on, or at least don’t do anything. Do this with Valentines too.
4. The elementary schools usually do *something* in honor of these days. Have your kids ask dad, “What are we doing for Mom for Valentines/Mothers Day.
InkyParticipantThank You Jessica!!
Here’s the dynamic too ~ Dad didn’t make the money. My Wikipedia mentioned grandfather did. So he made sure I was taken care of in a legal-eze sense. I think, if I were my father’s shrink, that Dad wants to play the hero and so “saves” all the non-related people who go into his orbit for a feeling of importance. Wiki grandpa treated me more of a daughter than he did, in a practical sense.
Anger ~ you are spot on. The few times I’ve expressed anger (not just in this issue) *I* get the fallout. *I* get the looks. *I’m* the one with the problem.
If I were single/alone I would for sure do an experimental disappearing act to see how long it takes him to contact me. What happens is around the holidays (even after 3-4 months of no contact) we get invited in an obtuse way (my teenagers get a text/call the day b/f the holiday, or I get a call from another relative at the last minute.)
Nurturance ~ sometimes when I take care of myself/nurture myself, etc. I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, for what should have been, for what should be. I am angry at him, embarrassed by him, disappointed.
I’ve had “The Talk” with him, but he won’t change, nothing changes.
I’m looking at the questions you wrote, thinking about each one..
InkyParticipantOh my goodness, she has what most women secretly want but would never, ever admit: A Harem! I mean, what woman *wouldn’t* want two men pining over her?? For her, this is great!
I say, yes, love her, (as in feeling, not actively) AND ~ let her chase you. Don’t initiate any texts/calls/visits. And when she does call/text/see you, if she brings up the other guy’s name, end the date, text, or convo. abruptly. Then radio silence. Be “That Guy” ~ not too much of a jerk that she’ll never speak to you again, but enough of one that she’ll wonder what she did/said wrong. Go out with other girls so you, she, and your own subconscious doesn’t think she’s the only one out there..
The worse case scenario is she “chooses” the boyfriend. Good. Let her. But if you dump her first, YOU will be the one that got away. Ponder that, if you will.
When she’s alone and single you can revisit the whole situation. When she calls you. Protect your heart.
InkyParticipantHere’s what I did (without knowing it): We never lived together, and I wouldn’t even leave my toothbrush behind at his place. Of course, he (even if only subconsciously) thought *I could leave anytime!*
Then I said, “Don’t ask me any important questions this holiday.” The presupposition being he wants to propose. That gave him a bit of a mind-bend as he was a 39 yr old bachelor (never married).
He proposed six months later.
That doesn’t work? Be brutally honest. I mean, brutal. Say, “I want a family. Unfortunately, it has to be while I’m still young enough to have children.” If he argues, say, “I’m not going to let Some Guy rob me of my future children. Thought you weren’t just Some Guy. Sorry. Btw, I’m dating other people now. (Sorry!) Call me when you come to your senses.”
Then actually go out with other people. You probably won’t have to for long. 😉
InkyParticipantFor what it’s worth, regarding the ex husband, it’s all about control. If you’re happy, he can’t stand that. From what I’ve seen, it can get worse before it gets better, BUT ~ 9/10 times the fathers will suddenly “give up” once they get a new girlfriend or when the children hit middle school.
Judges don’t look too fondly on dads who neglect child support. Don’t worry. They see this sort of thing every day. Every. Day. Even if they do award joint custody (HA), they will do it with the kids living with him on weekends and holidays. They try really hard to keep the kids in a normal lifestyle.
Ex Boyfriend ~ don’t talk to him at all. It’s too much right now.
Kids ~ they are only getting older and will get more and more helpful and need you less and less for certain things. Praise them for everything they do well and whenever their behavior is good. Think of all the money you’ll save too!
Good Luck!!
InkyParticipantIf you have a daughter, raising her is The Accomplishment. The One Thing You Have To Do. Everything else is Optional. If you get to them, great. If not, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. There’s no angel in heaven saying, “No garden? Bad knitter? Junk food? Where’s that car?”
Now, for things that you are already doing, I downloaded an app called Keep it Green. For gardening, I put in Once a Week, and when it turns Yellow, I know that it’s time for me to water the plants. It’s really a Habit App. I also have down Exercise 3X a week. But guess what? I didn’t exercise last week!!! The worst thing that happened was that it turned Yellow, then Red, then Grey, then Blue. My kids came first OH WELL. Some days it is all Green and then I pat myself on the back.
Keep it Light!
InkyParticipantYes, I have. I used to delve right into the yucky emotions. I spent all my free time listening to hopeless, gorgeous, depressing, brilliant songs/vids on YouTube. It’s as if I had to fully wallow in it 100%. Then, suddenly, I woke up one day and I was Done. I had no emotion left concerning It. I was, in fact, sick of It. Then, of course, I got new information concerning It that made me fell sorry and above Them.
But seriously, get the book. I think it’s great.
InkyParticipantThere’s a book called Parallel Universes of Self.
One of the techniques is to go to what I would call zero space/time where you’re at one with the universe/are the universe. Then you see yourself as what you want to be/with what you want to have/do/be. Look at this person. Then merge with her in your minds eye. This is your new reality. It’s as if this past didn’t exist. I put on music and spend 5-10 minutes meditating.
I’ve tried this and it works (for me) not in a immediate ground breaking way, but real enough in a way that is a little spooky! (My son’s suddenly respectful, my mom starts talking freely about my father, etc.)
Give it a try.
P.S. Match dot com, set ups, meet ups, etc.
InkyParticipantSome people may not like my advice, but it is the most real I can think of. The underlying thing behind your post is that you are in your mid-thirties. i.e. time is precious regarding starting a family.
What I think happens is this: We as women wait to find that emotional connection and/or put up with a lot of abuse because we deep down want to have families and are willing to wait for a good thing OR put up with a bad thing.
Why don’t you go on as many dates as possible? Hear me out: If you have 20 dates lined up, and someone connects with you, great! If not, you can swiftly cut your losses as you have 19 other people to meet. If the man knows you are circular dating, the message will be that you will drop him and move on if he’s not doting to you. Also, it gives you something to look forward to!
Best of Luck!!
InkyParticipantAnother thing you could do is appreciate every little thing you have.
Also, Flip the Script ~ for example:
Who in their right minds would buy a HOUSE? Houses are a pain in the butt! The maintenance! The crippling mortgage! Taxes!! An apartment? That’s freedom! Let the landlord take care of the problems! Look at all the money you save in the long run! You can travel more with less worry!
Oh my goodness, with your money budgeting savvy, YOU could go overseas. YOU could run up your phone bill. Whenever you want, really. But you don’t, b/c you are fiscally wise. But you could. Maybe you will. When the time is right, when you feel like it.
See what I did there?
Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate!
April 21, 2014 at 9:09 am in reply to: Relationship in distance…How can i get my ex back? help #55110InkyParticipantHi There!
This is from experience:
1. Long distance relationships are tough. No matter how close you are, there will always be an element of each person living in totally different parallel universes. His Parallel/Alternate universe took over his brain.
2. Yes, you contacted him a little too much, too soon, with way too much emotion. The only remedy for that is to back way the h*** off!! The more he doesn’t have to respond to you, the more time he will spend wondering about the mystery of your sudden disappearance!
3. You are close to his relatives. Close as in you see them/visit? Make sure you bring a date/guy friend/male cousin who’s a good actor. Or mention a nickname (connotes intimacy). Or post a pic online. When they ask about him shrug say, “I don’t know about him yet. I feel like I just broke up with Old Boyfriend. We’ll see.” The phones will be ringing!
4. If you are on social media, after a few months post pics of you looking a little different dressing in a different style. He’s not the only one changing and moving on!
5. When he contacts you again (they always do, mine always did, even years later!) wait a few days to respond. This will be difficult.
That’s all I got. Good luck!
P.S. All the above said, once you get a new boyfriend, YOU will be the one that got away in his mind!
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