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InkyParticipantHi Lily,
Why do you think they call it love? My DH, for instance, thinks my faults are somehow utterly adorable. (Scores of other people did not!) See what I mean?
Also, some of my friends are horrible (horrible!) burdens, but I still love ’em. And so do their plus ones.
Every Lid Has its Pot,
Inky
July 20, 2018 at 5:25 am in reply to: I don't know how to break free from a cycle of my own creation. #217813InkyParticipantHi Sara,
Wow! Even paraplegics are jerks, it turns out! (I know that is MASSIVELY un-PC of me to say, but there it is.)
You can literally do SO much better! You do not deserve for him to transfer all of his unhappiness onto you.
Walk away. Ghost him. Don’t look back. You will be better for it. And bonus! HE gets to learn a Life Lesson that he can’t treat people that way.
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Thomas,
Tell your dad, “Every year you introduce me to someone new. I don’t want to meet these women and become attached only to not see them again. Can you do me a favor and not introduce me to anyone unless and until you’re engaged? Then I can fully embrace the new person in our lives.”
This will free him up not to mix romance with family life and force him to be more serious (and selective!) about who he brings home.
Been There,
Inky
July 19, 2018 at 7:41 am in reply to: About to get married, but still tortured by past trust issues #217631InkyParticipantNo I mean you shouldn’t get married unless he has shown no signs of this behavior for several years.
July 19, 2018 at 5:34 am in reply to: About to get married, but still tortured by past trust issues #217611InkyParticipantHi Amelia,
It’s all too much and not enough.
If you marry the guy, I envision it being five or ten years later after he has outgrown his Deliberately Clueless ***-**** phase. And for several years not seeing any evidence of past behavior. The problem is you are now primed to see every subtle sign of it.
He hasn’t actually cheated (as far as we know) but he’s basically admitting through his very being “BOY DO I HAVE THAT IN ME THOUGH!”
My advice is: Really? Do you have to?
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Giselle,
If it is truly no big deal, then he should be able to delete her from Instagram or WhatsApp. Or even delete those apps(!). Or even grant you total access to his phone (!!). Of course the problem with that is it makes you look like a totally controlling person who is basically admitting out loud that There is a Problem in my Perfect Relationship! It’s humiliating to be undone by seemingly trivial communications. Since it’s not “even close to infidelity” YOU are now the one with the problem if you dare think it’s a problem! See how that works?
Don’t let him gaslight you. Tell him that even his side-piece lost interest. Or, to heal the relationship, you could deluge him with hundreds of Instagram posts and WhatsApp communications that anyone else’s is quickly diluted.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi jdkm,
Your new boyfriend is super fit, and I’m assuming he could get any girl he wanted based on being a good looking nice guy alone. Think of it this way: He chose YOU! And he’s still with YOU! This thought could theoretically give you mammoth insecurities or actually make you more secure. Choose the Secure Option. Even if you lose him (for whatever reason), because you dated someone like him, you KNOW you could attract a quality person again! Own it!
And now ask yourself this: What if you did break up (for whatever reason)? This could statistically eventually happen. Not everyone we go out with is destined to be our forever partner (obviously). Now answer the question in your mind. Imagine that possibility. And be OK with it. You would be OK. Vow to enjoy this relationship no matter how long it lasts.
Best,
Inky
July 16, 2018 at 9:08 am in reply to: I feel like I don’t deserve him because of hiding somethig #217033InkyParticipantHi Azalia,
Is your boyfriend God? I think not.
The next time he asks you if there’s anything you’d like to tell him, reply with: “I don’t know. Is there anything you’d like to tell ME? (PREGNANT PAUSE)”
Him: (mutters something)
You: *Arch your eyebrows* *Stare at him* *Slowly avert your gaze* *shake your head*
You two are still very young. So what if he does find out? I’m still not sure what the big deal is and I’m a Puritan old lady compared to you. You can legitimately say by then if confronted, “That was so long ago! I was, what? Seventeen?”
Don’t worry about it,
Inky
July 15, 2018 at 1:43 pm in reply to: I was ghosted 9 months ago and now this person has texted me dot know what to do #216791InkyParticipantHi Kdmj0644,
This is what I would do:
He didn’t contact you for nine months? Fine. Find out what the date is nine months from NOW. Get next year’s calendar. Mark it down: Text Joe Back. In April of 2019 reply to his text: “Hey, glad to see you’re back from the dead! Well, I got married and have a kid on the way.” Now he will know what it’s like to be ghosted himself. And also he will be all, “Wait, WHAT?? Is she kidding? Or did she really??” and freak out that life went on without him.
I love giving people life lessons!
Good Luck and remember to have fun with this,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Maxine,
Are you married to this guy? I’m asking for practical reasons. Divorce is expensive. I don’t know if your state is a common law one. I would encourage you to move the kids to a small apartment that’s all your own. Quietly let your lease run out. Have the kids live with you. HE will be on his own. No judge is going to let some pot head have custody of the kids. This way he can parent them on the weekends perhaps. Don’t worry about him fighting you on this or taking you for all you have (he doesn’t have the motivation for it. He can’t even finish school.)
People remain stuck at the age they were when they started using pot. So this would be like, say, a fifteen year old trying to go to college and parent two kids.
You also don’t want your older child to (surprise!) become a pot head and repeat the cycle of a Life of Coasting or marry a man just like dad. You also don’t want your younger child to (also?) internalize that s/he is not worthy of attention and is an irritant.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi RedDress,
At least you broke up with him after treating you badly. Imagine how much more angry you’d feel if he broke up with you after treating you badly! People may think who broke up with who doesn’t matter, but it is a psychological balm if you’re the one who did it. He treated you horribly. You stood up! You put your foot down! You made a decision ~ for BOTH of you! So there is no need for anger anymore. You dumped him, after all. Despite his calling, asking about and contacting you, he is out of your life. He paid the ultimate price.
Best,
Inky
July 12, 2018 at 5:20 am in reply to: He cheated on me and left me for her but claimed to have loved me #216361InkyParticipantHi Claudia,
Were you with him during his divorce process or right when the ink was drying? Either way, it’s bad. You were the rebound, no matter how nice he was.
Also, he has a son, and I would never date anyone with a kid. Their focus needs to be on their child, not me. So I read it as a blessing (for the son) that his dad decided not to be in a long-distance relationship.
But then he deceives you with jumping right back into a new relationship with someone local. (And using your AirBNB!!!) For you to find out in the way you did, I think it was the deities themselves telling you, “This is what’s happening. He is not worthy of you, My daughter.”
Peace,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Jonathan,
If you moved you would be starting over anyway even if you didn’t have some missing chapters of your youth.
By the way, EVERYONE has missing chapters of their life. I for one, never went to summer camp for whatever reason. All my other friends did. I missed prom, for whatever reason. But other kids might have missed playing sports, doing chores, family holidays, a best friend, etc.
You have a job, house and car. Those are physical indicators of stability. No one who meets you will pick up on your missing chapters or past mental illness. And so what if they found out? They will have found out by then that you are a good guy. And by then you will have found out that they, too, are human.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi David,
This may come as a shock, but if she’s as strong and independent as you claim, she might turn down that coffee with you. Forget about getting back together. I don’t think you can have her back simply because you feel you could have made a mistake.
From her perspective perhaps: She rarely lost it, and when she did, you couldn’t handle it. A lot of women are thus labelled “crazy” this way. Maybe she was trying to be perfect herself and ultimately blew up at an embarrassing level. You then broke up with her, so now she could be going around saying that she couldn’t be her real self around YOU! Who knows?
Of course no one else compares. She was a strong personality. It sounds like she needs another strong personality to be with her long term.
Sorry my insights were a bit harsh, but there it is,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi RedDress,
It could be a maturity issue (on their part) and one they will hopefully someday outgrow. If enough people shed them as a friend because they are flakey, passive and mean-girls, they will learn to treat people better. Maybe in ten years you can be around when that happens.
Don’t be afraid of becoming friends with people outside of your age range either.
I wish I had better advice. My other one is to Accept People The Way They Are (master level), but it sounds like you’ve had enough of their bull crap. It’s OK to say, “Enough!”
Best,
Inky
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