Hi Learning,

“It’s not what you say it’s how you say it” is one of my mother’s mantras! (She doesn’t sugar coat things, she is tough, but not cruel).

1. No wonder you don’t open up to your MIL! Ironically “Not being open” is one of her criticisms and “God” will “take things away” for it! You, my friend, have been mind-jacked.

2. One of my friends would say “Sorry for the bad Karma” referring to any bad thing that happened to me. I patiently waited and used the same line on him when something bad happened to him (it always does!). “What’s up with your bad karma?” He quickly shut his mouth after that.

With your MIL if something is taken away from her (it will) ask, “Were you not open/forgiving/bending?” you can also immediately say “I disagree” when she brings up God punishing your family. Proceed to list all your family’s blessing. Say, “God obviously thinks we rock!”

Buddha said, “Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” Your MIL was NOT helpful or kind (even if she thought she was truthful).

3. Get your mom to a support group for grieving. Even if she goes a handful of times she’ll be more at peace.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi mskc33/Tim,

A website which might be of interest to you is The Good Man Project. From what I’ve seen it has articles by and for STRONG, NICE guys!!

And obviously, stay off the PUA websites. They have a very basic level understanding of the human condition and psychology. They want you to give girls the perception that you have a higher “mate value” and thus are in high demand and so they have to get their acts together to be with you.

Let me tell you, that as a woman, we can see someone using the PUA methods a mile away. Friend, it doesn’t work. Maybe it did, like, ten years ago. But being a gentleman never goes out of style.

And I married my husband BECAUSE he was a nice guy who DIDN’T play games!

Best,

Inky

Hi Tony,

Definitely complain if their work affects your work badly OR if you have to do more work by picking up their slack.

Other than that, all I can tell you is: People DO know how the rest of them are. The boss knows. The managers/supervisors know. The clients even know.

If their work or lack thereof doesn’t affect your work, keep doing what you would do ANYWAY. A good job, done with consistency and mindfulness.

Best,

Inky

Hi moshushi,

A classic “I want my cake and eat it too!” moment.

He has to break up with his girlfriend OR leave you alone. Simple.

Is he hoping his GF will eventually break up with him?

Does she know about you? Or are you a dirty little secret?

You know what the right thing to do is: Abstain.

One day you’ll look at him and he’ll seem less charming, more sad, and gross. I promise!

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

Hi janet,

You don’t HAVE to live in ridiculous situations. Move out. Move out now. Sell all your stuff or keep it in storage. Couch surf at friends’ houses. Anything to get out of this weird, bizarre environment.

Your EX (repeat “EX” to yourself 100 times a day) isn’t your concern anymore.
Even his innocent child isn’t your concern anymore. Let the parents duke it out and/or work it out.

Your sanity IS your concern. Your ONLY concern.

Later, perhaps much later, when you have a stable living arrangement and a job away from him, you can date again. OTHER people.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi There!

!. What makes This One Person the Spokesman for the Group??
2. Why is going to the Summer Music Festival so dam important??
3. I predict that as your old friends get married, have kids and separate lives that NO ONE will “grow with the group”!

Solutions:

1. Write “I regret we won’t be able to attend”. They know why. If they ask what’s up, go to #2.
2. Contact each person from the old group individually. Tell them (despite and because of warnings!) that the “Spokesman” referred them as HIS friends and that he would put a stop to that. Say that no matter what they may think of your BF (each one will deny that they said anything!) are they going to let That Guy mandate their friendships?
3. Let it be awkward (for That Guy). Hang out with each person OUTSIDE of The Group. You are changing the Dynamics of The Group. And it’s about time! Deep, deep down I bet most of them are getting tired of “Music Festival is like Church in Medieval Times: Must Attend!!” They will also like your BF better as they won’t have other group members to feed off of gossip wise. And they’ll feel more loyalty to you two.

I never understood the very collegiate mentality of “Original Group is Awesome! Newcomers Stink!” mentality.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

Hi Jess,

It will be hard for your BF to see you. But you should still go to the wake. It would be harder for him if you weren’t there, in a weird way.

Listen, he WANTS to believe you.

Is it possible to get your ex on the line or meet him in person with your BF? And call him out on his lie “That it was all true”? If your BF sees you fighting with the ex, maybe it will dawn on him who was telling lies. And then NEVER communicate with the ex again (why would you after he sabotaged your current relationship?)

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi PryingMiMi,

The best way to say “Don’t contact me” is not to reply ~ ever. Because let’s say he calls/texts 40 times and you respond on the 41st/ time he’ll know all he has to do is spam you until he gets a response. If you see a communication is from him, don’t even check to see what he said as some apps/sites/etc. show him if you’ve read it.

And no more answering strange numbers.

Pretty soon he’ll feel ridiculous even to himself.

I speak from experience.

Good Luck!

Inky