Hi Abubin,

I don’t feel it is wrong in any way to feel intense emotion and in a way it can be healthy. However, my Dad, who was a very wise man said that it is when we let anger (resentment, guilt, envy, shame) keep a hold of us for a length of time it eats away at our insides. It makes us cynical, bitter people. Who wants to go around in life holding onto anger when there is so much beauty in this world that we are losing out on, when we are holding onto feelings that are no longer serving a purpose? You have been holding onto this anger for quite a long time, and it has got a grip on you, it has to have a place to go, or it will eat away at you. Don’t you want to see what is right around the corner? When we are holding onto anger and other feelings that No longer benefit us, we fail to see what might be right in front of us. Sometimes we just have to tell anger “okay anger, I have had enough of you!! I have been holding onto you too long. Write a letter, don’t mail it..just get it out once and for all, or it will poison you, and make you very cynical. I know people who like my Dad said have harbored anger and grudges so long, they are no longer the people they used to be. No one wants to be around an angry person all the time. Yes, anger is good, but up to a point, but when you let it fester, and fester, it will slowly eat away at you. It’s not healthy. You have been unhappy and angry too long. That is why I feel that you would benefit from help and guidance from a counseled trained in this. It’s time to let go of something that has gotten a hold of us for way too long, so I will have to respectfully disagree with the poster above. I hope everything works out for you, and you can find that special someone, but unless the anger goes, you will not find beauty, only bitterness. No one should live like this. Take care of yourself and your health..

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Abubin,

I do remember this post now, and remember reading at that time with interest. I did not respond, as it would have been a late response to that thread, and you had received a lot of great advice. However, I am a bit confused, as that thread left or concluded with you thought that you knew that things with Debbie were not going to work out and you seemed fine, almost relieved of that..so now into this thread, you are experiencing a great deal of pain, anger and unable to sleep and just trying to figure things out. I thought you were okay with things being “over” with her.

In your last post, you are very angry saying she has placed you on “low priority” but in reading your prior posts from February this is how she has always treated you. I do believe she (like you mentioned) has some type of mental health issue that has not been resolved, making it impossible to give you, what she is unable. Please don’t be angry. She is in need of Psychotherapy, medication, etc..and not getting what she needs to have any type of close relationship with anyone at this time. Please don’t be angry with her. It will serve no purpose or healing on your part, and keep you stuck in this cycle of “she is good” “she is bad” thinking. It may be time to perhaps seek quality Therapy for these deep intense emotions you are experiencing.

Hi Katie,

I wish I knew the answers, but we know for a fact, that things with him are not going to get better. The thing to do, is to tell yourself, to no longer be in “victim mode” this will help you heal, and move forward to the loving, and safe, healthy relationship you need. How? By changing your vocabulary. No longer ask “why does he??” there could be a million answers as to why he does what he does, but you can’t make yourself dwell on the “why’s”. It won’t get you anywhere, but resentment, unable to let things go with him, frustration, unable to move forward, stagnant, etc. Another, is not to worry so much about “getting hurt even more” another victim role which will keep you angry and stagnant. He has all along been hurting you. It’s time to leave and be at peace once and for all. Another..living in the past..such as “my family knows or knew we wanted to get married..so why..??” again.more victimization and stagnation in your part, because this is no more. Again, all the “why’s” won’t make him change. He won’t stop his behavior. I know deep down you know this. No need for answers, he won’t change, it’s over..in the past. You have to move on and find the love you so deserve.

I have been to Costa Rica. It’s beautiful. My Dad sent me there for my High School graduation present. He was building low cost housing there. I also got to take a helicopter and train ride (although it derailed), to Panama Canal and Guatemala. Stunning places. Go on the trip, but no expectations of “getting back together” or the trip will be ruined for you. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I remember many nice looking Latinos there, they are friendly. Flirt, and say “dammmn” to your hearts content. Go talk to some men right in front of him. Lots of sexy dances there..have one..a tango with a cute latino! Why not? If he can do it, why can’t you? Have the time of your life. When you get back, casually thank him for the great trip and have no more contact with this man, the longer you prolong it, the harder it will be. Keep us posted. x

Hi Abubin,

I’m trying to figure out the context of this relationship. Was this an online relationship? How long were you with her? Did you see her on a daily basis? If so, I am wondering why you broke up with her via text message instead of in person. I am wondering, if the reason you are thinking about her so much Is things left unsaid, no closure..and breaking up with someone over texting..instead of in person..

Hi Vicki,

I would not put too much pressure on yourself in the thoughts, feelings or emotions of people you meet in a bar or pub. Remember that when you first said you wanted to go, your husband even said “these are “pub people, not really friends” and he is right. People are not usually there to really make “new friends”..they are not the most stable of people. Many might have drinking problems, or go out after work as a means of escape from an unhappy home life, dealing with kids, an unhappy marriage, co-worker problems, etc. Many are in AA. Many may have had a few drinks too many, like that man, that said those awful things to you. He may have said that, but it had nothing to do with you. He is in his “clique”at the pub, maybe he is jealous, as you are married, he is single, or he may be having problems with work, drinking problems where he verbally assaults people, it has nothing to do with you. I tried to look up the word “pathetic” in the dictionary, no such thing, theerefore no such definition, just a negative thought we attach to ourselves which is wrong, so is “loser” and all the other lies we tell ourselves.

You are not pathetic, just because one miserable bar person verbally abused you. You have a nice husband, and stated you have/had nice friends in the past. I would just look for healthier places other then a bar to meet nice, stable people, such as hobbies, volunteer work. Don’t believe the lies you tell yourself. If your best friend said she was a loser or “pathetic” what would you tell her? Be gentle on yourself. x

Hi Tom,

It looks like you have received alot of great advice. Maybe I am old school, but I don’t believe in “texting” in dating as a way to get to know someone or even in the early stages of dating. It’s too impersonal. Once, this man insisted on “texting” or “e-mails” as a form of communication, and I texted back and said “anyway we could get past being “pen-pals” well, men don’t like to be thought of as “pen pals so he started to call me on the phone from that moment on.

The reason I don’t believe in texting, is too much distance. You don’t get to know the person, the sound of their voice, laugh, what they like to do, foods they like, work they enjoy, hobbies, kids, etc..can’t make them laugh by joking around, the “human touch is gone, not a very good way to get to know someone”. That is when I always use the excuse “lost my cell phone when a man I meet insists on texting as a form of communication”. I give him my phone number. Saying for home, I prefer to talk on the phone. There is also an excellent app called “Marco Polo walkie Talkie” that just came out” where you can leave video messages for each other, or talk to each other live, it’s very easy to use..still it’s way less impersonal then a phone call. For some reason texting as a way to get to know someone seems kind of “teenagish” too me. Just use the phone, better yet, meet up somewhere casual for coffee. I usually reserve “texting” after I get to know someone where may be I can send a romantic text letting them know I am thinking of them, or missing them, or if I am running late etc. Just some thoughts.

Hi A. Pranshath,

Where to start..your post made me so sad. I’m 56 and happily single. Have been in relationships, engaged, “laid” (ugh)…I was engaged when I was 19..way too young. Didn’t last. Getting “laid” yep..unfortunately..friends did this..always “regret” afterwards. The thought “I had too many drinks last night at the bar, or college fraternity/sorority party..don’t remember a thing! “Was I date raped? Did I pass out? Will I get an STD? How can I face him at a party, work, bar again, just sleeping with him?? “I can’t remember if I/they wore protection..oh God! What if I’m pregnant? What will I do..don’t even know the person! What am I trying to say? Getting laid? Is not all is cracked up to be. I have regrets about it, everyone I know, friends, co-workers, have regrets. It’s not all that. No love involved. Being intimate with a perfect stranger. Not all that. Honest.

You are not too old! My father got married for the 2nd time at the age of 74. I have never seen him so giddy and happy. I have a picture (he passed in 2008)..of him and his wife in the back of a jaguar limousine happily holding up  champagne glasses to get their picture taken while they were off to their honeymoon on the Queen Elizabeth 2. I also have a picture with them dancing together at their wedding laughing looking into each other eyes with love. She was 70..also her 2nd marriage. Never too old to have children. He had his first 2 sons in his late twenties, early thirties. Then he met my Mom, whom he had an affair with, and had me at the age of 44. I was born out of wedlock. He wanted to marry my mother, but would not, until she stopped her heavy drinking..but that is another story. When he had me, he said he was the proudest father in the world.

They said it is when you stop trying so hard, comparing yourself to others, analyzing, and when you are happy with yourself and being single is when you will attract love. Right now you are making yourself miserable comparing yourself to outdated standards, other people, age, etc. You are still very young, I see many people finding their first true love in their 40’s. People’s first marriage in their 50’s. There is no “perfect” age. When we are looking and trying, and analyzing and comparing, we stop seeing what might be the perfect person right in front of us. So..the trick is to be happily single, not worrying about other people, junior or seniors, there is no race. Love will come when you are least expecting it. It is when we are usually not even thinking of it. Some people find love on dating sites, others in bookstores, others in espresso shops, grocery stores, work, there is no “perfect age” “place” or “time” it just happens when we are at our happiest. One of my friends tried rock climbing for the first time, and let her husband on her lesson, my other friend met her husband just by walking through a dog park and petting this man’s dog. It just happens. You can’t be so hard on yourself. Love yourself, and maybe love others by volunteering maybe at an an animal shelter, etc..love attracts love.