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I see a woman who is immature, has no responsibilities or obligations in her life, she is not independent and relies on family and friends for everything and she can’t live alone or be on her own. I don’t mean that meanly, it’s just who she is. She may be the kindest loving soul…. You say that effortless with her, that’s fine now but as time goes on, it won’t be. I think deep down she is scared of a whole life change. Her life is simple with carefree attitude, come and go as she pleases, can travel and rely on others to get her by. You have children and she may not be ready for a lifetime of being a step mom?
It’s good you’re focusing on your own life and settling in regardless of what she is doing or not doing.January 8, 2014 at 11:15 pm in reply to: Found my soulmate, he is going through a divorce, he needs a break..hurts so muc #48758
Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Even though his wife cheated and they are divorcing, he still needs to grieve the loss. The loss of a life and a marriage he planned with his wife. The house, their friends, he loses his in laws and she loses her in laws. There’s a lot of changes going on and this is something he has to deal with on his own. He can’t ‘give’ to you right now as he has nothing to give. He can’t put you first, be your lover and make you number one priority so he has chosen to back off and keep it simple – Friends. if you can’t handle it, then do give him space, try no contact for a while.
He is quietly telling you in his own way that he won’t commit to you. You have these dreams, think he’s your soul mate…..What if he felt that but now reality has hit and he has changed his mind or as he is telling you only wants friendship. He doesn’t want to be responsible for your life, which is why he’s told you to move on, date others. When a person shows you who they are, believe them!
You invested a lot into him and your heart is so into him, we get that and he may have felt that way but right now he can’t handle it. If you truly love and respect him, continue with your counseling, keep busy, focus on yourself and friends in your life and allow him space and time to figure things out. If you push him and not give him the space he needs, he’ll walk out of your life for good.
” I’ve have heard from therapists that usually the underlying reason to reveal our affairs is to share the burden of our guilt with the partner and that is tremendously selfish. This makes a lot of sense to me.”
A therapist suggests that yes, but a marriage counselor would suggest the opposite. If a marriage is going to be fixed, then all the cards need to be on the table, and that includes the affair. Owning up to your choices, fixing what is broken inside of you as well so it doesn’t ever happen again.
Your husband may forgive you if you are remorseful and confess and are ready to work with him to fix things. if he finds out on his own it’ll be way worse!January 3, 2014 at 8:55 pm in reply to: Letting go of the past when you don't fill like you are strong enough to forgive #48357
You both have made mistakes and both have cheated. Neither one of you is any worse or better than the other. I hope you both can really communicate and listen to one another by going to marriage counseling and creating a new healthy and happier dynamic, one that helps with trust, respect and honouring your marriage vows. You two do love each other, if there wasn’t any love left, one of you would have left and filed for divorce already.
Start bonding and spending time together as a couple, remember what it was that you made you fall for her back in the days when you were dating and woo’ing her. take her out on a date and have some fun. Bring her flowers and romance her. She can do the same for you as well, making extra efforts to bring back the intimacy and wanting to make you happy.
Have faith, don’t give up. And most of all, forgive yourself for mistakes, as well as her.January 2, 2014 at 10:10 am in reply to: Letting go of the past when you don't fill like you are strong enough to forgive #48191
Did you have an affair and now are having trouble letting go of the other woman?
If this is the case hen your wife has trust issues with you and you two need to go to marriage counseling. You’d also benefit from going on your own to help you cope with the problems.January 2, 2014 at 10:08 am in reply to: He Disappeared After 3 Years; No Closure; Angry, Confused, Afraid #48187
Jeff, my heart hurts for you. You are a kind loving person and your boyfriend totally took advance of you, you gave, forgave and still had open arms for him. He is a real jerk and cruel to do this to you. This is ALL on him, not you. It is not normal behaviour to do what he’s done.
Just know in time you’ll see you’re better off without him. As you detach after grieving this loss, you’ll see all the red flags that you chose to ignore. (We ALL do that when in love, justify the loved ones behaviour.)
Take care of you, be around those who love and care about you and let them help you through this painful time in your life.
I hope he returns the cat, it’s not right what he’s done…
The kind of love you have for him is one sided. He’s moved on and you haven’t been able to get him out of your heart. Unrequited love is the most painful kind of love out there to experience. Google and read up on it, go to the site baggage reclaim and read on there as well.
Daisy is right, you need to rid of the hope so you can fully begin to grieve and let go, go through the stages of grief. You need to avoid this man, never see or speak to him again. Like he’s poison to you!
If you can’t do this on your own, please get help. There’s no shame in seeking therapy to help you cope with this and learn to let go in a healthy way.
Today I am feeling grateful that I didn’t reach out to him. The holiday season obviously messed with my mind a bit, missing him terribly.. But, the reality is, he chose to walk away from me, end things and as painful as it’s been – The drive to push forward is stronger than wanting to hang onto someone who doesn’t want me.
Took me a bit of time to work through that pain and also build up my self esteem. Being rejected and ignored sucks and hurts to the core! It’s him, not me and truly he let a good and kind person go! Makes me sad but in the larger picture it is for the best as I only want people in my life who are genuine and really do love and care about me. NO fake people or users!
Happy New Year to you all. Stay happy, healthy and well.
Go on a trip, travel somewhere, even if it’s just to the next town and staying in hotel room. Make a weekend out of it, have a couple spa day together. Go out to see a movie or get tickets to a hockey game or a theatre show.
Join a gym together, go on walks, hold hands. Play tennis together or some other sport you both love.
I’m not judging you, you’ve found something that works for you and him, but have you both thought about what happens if your spouses and adult children find out? How do cope and deal with the fallout of getting caught?
Not sure if your situation can help me, but thanks for posting it, maybe it can guide someone else who is in a similar situation as you are.
So true Greeneyes! Today I feel a million times better and stronger. So glad I didn’t cave. It would have been a mistake as he would have ignored me and then I’d feel sad and probably beat myself up for being weak and reaching out. Reading on this site and also baggage reclaim has helped so much. I’m glad you stayed strong too and not having to deal with that stress. We have taken the power back and hung on to our pride! 🙂
Thanks Adam, your words describe exactly how I feel too. Wish you (both) the best and here’s to our strength and knowing that once the pain totally goes away, we’ll all be well and healed.
No contact is the only way to go and it is painful but you will heal quicker. Staying friends and talking, being in his life prolongs your heart from letting go and you’ll stay on that awful ride of the emotional roller coaster. I just posted something similar to your thread here actually. Hope it can help you as well…
I say, let the anger out, write down what you feel and why. It’ll help give yourself closure and also let you grieve the loss, let go of hope and make you see that he isn’t worth fighting for. His loss, though I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way right now.
I am grieving too, still and it’s going to take a while to heal. Just be good to yourself, most of all. No point of regret and beating up on yourself with the ‘I should have done this or that’ thoughts…All that does is make you feel worse and sad.
Stay strong and vent it out as much as you can. Most of all? Keep your humour going and make sure to really laugh and have fun with your friends, it lifts your spirits up and is so helpful.
Ignoring someone and giving them the silent treatment is intentional and very cruel to do someone, he’s a real jerk to do that to you.
You’re better off without him no matter how much you love him and how great he made you feel at times.
Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with loving friends and family, those who really do care about you. It makes a big difference!
Is there a friend or any family member of hers you can talk to? Boy it seems like her parents gladly walked away leaving you to look after her. Talk about abandonment!
It isn’t your responsibility to be her keeper, and for you to feel that she may hurt herself or worse, kill herself because you end things with her is not a good spot to be in. She needs help badly, so there has to be a way to get her family back in her life again.
You have your kids to think of and they have to come first. You’re not married to this woman. it is a sad and unfortunate situation…But you need to do what is best for you and your kids.
A month later, after lots of grieving and detaching, crying and anger, even hating him for a while, there’s some peace of letting go, I am done. Done for good. I feel numb and nothing. Like he didn’t exist and it was all a dream.
One day I will look back and smile, remember some great memories, but not now, not for a long time. This man I truly thought was honest, genuine, caring and a real friend. Maybe for a little bit he cared, but as soon as he didn’t ‘need’ me anymore, he did a 180 on me. In the past month I’ve found some stuff out about him, he isn’t the person I believe him to be. The way he has treated me, cut me out of his life, ignored me, is disgusting. I realize now is a player, a user and a narcissist. This is his loss, not mine. I got tired of blaming myself, being up on myself, feeling bad, sad and losing self esteem. All for what ? Someone who isn’t even worth it. It’s sad on some level and I pity the ‘new’ girl (he hid her from his many other girls) he’s with now. She won’t believe anything anybody has warned her about him, apparently we’re all wrong. She’s going to get her heart broken and stomped on. Only a matter of time (that’s his pattern) before this happens.
Reading here, helping others, googling on how to heal,reading baggage reclaim, and of course relying on friends to help me through this as well, has got me to where I am now. I thank all of you who have reached out.
I promise to those really hurting — It gets better! Allow yourself to go through all the stages of loss, reach out and talk about it, as much as you need to. Don’t give up on yourself. And it’s really important to not beat up on yourself! That just pours more salt on the wounds, so be good and love yourselves through this painful process. It serves no purpose to make yourself feel worse than necessary.
One day I won’t care at all but I would like to give him a piece of my mind. He isn’t worthy of hearing anything I have to say. Actually it probably wouldn’t phase him or make a difference, I’d be banging my head against a wall.
Thanks again to you all.