Mark,
Thank you for posting something so positive and inspirational!

Metta,
Mark

Great question. This is a highly individual process, this forgiveness thing. Good for you for wanting to get to that place within yourself for holding onto anger just does us no good.

For me, I honor where I am at at the moment. I use to try to skip over my anger to get to #3 and to forgiveness but realized that was not being honest with myself. I sit with my emotions during my meditations so I can fully aware of how they affect my physical body. I don’t try to push those feelings and sensations away. I just sit with whatever comes up with awareness. Inevitably the anger is addressed and can move on to compassion or at least some neutrality about the person. It’s a process and not an instant fix (for me anyway).

Everything I read about feeding anger, e.g. vent to others just increases the anger.

I believe that we still need to address our anger before we can move on to step #3. You might want to check out the Marshall Rosenberg Non Violent Communication process to communicate to the perpetrator (#1) where we communicate what we feel with the underlying need coupled with a specific behavior request.

Metta,
Mark

Jess,
I want to comment on what you said about being socially awkward in big gatherings.

If you are an introvert then that is perfectly natural. Check out Susan Cain’s book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” and her TED talk. It’s very validating for us introverts for she writes about the great qualities we have. She also has a Facebook page, etc.

Best,
Mark

Simone,

To supplement what has been said already, to communicate what bothers us with our partners can be a challenge. To stereotype women versus men comunication styles, women tend to be more indirect than men therefore most men don’t “get it” or cannot really read in between the lines on the message you are trying to convey.

Your posting is open, direct, and honest… something that maybe your partner should read in order for him to know how strongly this affects you and so he can make a conscious decision based on that.

I have been in too many relationships where something bothered my partner and broke up with me about it that was a complete surprise to me. I felt resentful because I did not get a chance to change that before it got to the point of her breaking up with me.

Mark

Olivia,
You have written your own wisdom for yourself here. You stated you need space, change, time to tend to your own feelings.

I am very much aware of the danger of the “shoulds” in our lives. I was reading an old Tricycle magazine left at my auto service/dealer waiting room today. The interview with Charlotte Joko Beck where she counsels people to make 3 lists; one to answer “As a small child, what I was trained to be … “, “Right now as an adult, what I require myself to be … ” and lastly, what negative emotions are behind List #3? You find out that out of List #1 drives our “shoulds” in List #2 which reveals the suffering as we do List #3.

Listen to your heart. Love yourself. Your loving kindness toward S will not change if you do. You are not honoring his maturity, resilency, wisdom, and strength if you live your life out of fear what you “do” to him.

Metta,
Mark

I can identify Simone on wanting to have a partner who reflects the same values and life orientation as myself. I don’t consider such values as shallow.

Social psychology research shows that if we are with unhealthy people then we tend to entropy that way as well.

It is not for anyone to decide but yourself on what kind of person you want as a romantic and activity partner.

There are certain non-negotiables for each of us on what we absolutely need to have in a partner.

It may be a good exercise for you to write down those core values (besides being physically active and eating healthy) so you know yourself better and better guide you in any type of relationship.

Mark

Hi Jo,
I believe that we cannot cure ourselves or if we can then it takes a lot more time and skills that most of us have. Meditating is a great foundation to deal with life in general. I believe that therapy is the other half of what you need in order to address issues of such magnitude. I am reminded of the Albert Einstein quote, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

I just came across Mark Epstein’s books who is a Buddhist and a psychotherapist and writes about applying Buddhist philosophy as a therapist. So from his writings further reinforces my assertion is that we need both our spiritual practice and outside help.

In answer to your question on when you are mindful enough to recognize your “bad” behavior as it is happening, I would think that if you are mindful enough to catch that feeling, thought or behavior at the time then you can be mindful enough to stop and breath and let it pass through you as if you were meditating. Make sense?

Metta,
Mark