My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and there have been a couple lulls in our relationship where things were stagnant and boring. Part of the problem was just adjusting to familiarity and routine; in our heads we were comparing how things were at the present with how things were in the start of our relationship, when it was fresh and exciting and new. We’re also not very spendy when we’re together so there’s nothing particularly exciting about staying at home watching movies on the couch. But we recognized that saving money was important to both of us, and we recognized that relationships shift over time and familiarity isn’t a bad thing, just a different thing.

I also had a hard time believing my fiancé was really happy with me, but one day he was said “the only way this will work is if you trust me when I tell you things”. And he had a point, I could go through life feeling paranoid and unworthy… or I could accept and believe his words were true and save myself all kinds of worrying. Thankfully deep down, I know I’m a catch and that any man who I choose to be with is getting a sweet deal, so it was just a matter of embracing that ideal instead of listening to my jerkbrain.

First of all very sorry about your father. Losing a parent is a very difficult thing to deal with, it takes a long time to grieve and come to terms with that kind of loss. I’m sure your father would not want you to hate yourself as a result of his death, he would want you to be happy and loving life!

Good for you for standing up to those who are bullying you! Don’t listen to them when they say you’re arrogant, that’s just their way of saying you won’t quietly put up with their cruelty. You are strong and capable, and please make sure you talk to someone about having suicidal thoughts.

I think your communication was completely reasonable! Waiting for a response (email, text, etc.) can be nerve-wracking when we’re emotionally invested. Take some time to keep yourself busy and not fixate on her every minute of the day (I know, easier said than done, been there!)

Hi Danna,

I did the online dating thing for years and I found that for me, the process was most effective and comfortable on the sites where you have to pay for access. That isn’t always the case (my brother has a ton of female friends who met their husbands on OKCupid for example) but if it’s safety you’re worried about (I know I worried about that too) make the meetings a gradual process (i.e. email, then text, then phone calls, then meeting in a public place like a coffee shop).

@aMatt said:
Consider perhaps a vision, not of two women scratching at each other over a man… rather two goddesses, radiant and strong, each with a unique task. One has the task of letting go of a romantic love and growing a platonic love. The other has the task of realizing that she is not the only one who loves, and that the more we love one another, the brighter our world becomes.

Matt, these words are brilliant and awesome, great insight. 🙂

To me, there is nothing “strange” about this arrangement at all! If I had such an arrangement with my BF, I’d probably find it perfect, but as it is we just live separately and that’s cool for now. I even have a girlfriend who enjoys it if one night a week her boyfriend hangs out with his guy friends, while she sits in front of the fireplace and knocks back a couple glasses of scotch!

In my experience, when it comes to dating and figuring out if your relationship is “normal”, “normal” is overrated. Do what feels right to you, everything else is just noise. 😉

Jake, I definitely understand where you’re coming from! When you add up the infinity of existence, when you step back and really take a hard look at the world, the galaxy, the universe, what do we matter in our insignificance. Unlike you, I don’t think I believe in a conventional god. My religion is science and physics. 😀

For me, an infinite future of being forgotten and insignificant in the grand scheme of things is extinguished by tiny moments lived in the present. There’s no point or meaning to laughing with friends, but it brings joy. Sometimes, it isn’t about a goal or a mission. It’s about enjoying the journey, without focusing on the results or a legacy.

It’s funny how so many women confuse “honouring my own dreams and desires” with “I’m being selfish and must sacrifice my happiness to make this other person happy”! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with out-growing a relationship when it no longer fulfills your need. Think about it another way, if your boyfriend told you he was only with you out of obligation and not genuine desire, wouldn’t that feel crummy? If you set yourself free, you will set him free as well, as painful as it might feel in the beginning.