Hey anita, its 5:30 AM now here 🙂

I dont know its so many scenarios in my case haha
My head and thoughts keep spinning, today we’ve been texting whole day and i could confidently feel like i am choosing her despite anything and she’s great and stuff. But as soon as i arrived home, its like something flipped and my mind says “leave her, u dont want her” haha its so surreal. Therapist started giving me info on CBT and acceptance, told me to write down triggers/thoughts/feelings/actions. (compulsions)
She said my symptoms show OCD definitely.

Yeah i would never feel excitement on receiving gifts/love after 10-12 y.o.. i feel obligation, i even told my sisters not to buy me anything for my birthday.

Now i see the chocolates she gifted me and i can’t bring myself to eat them, i just look at them and have a small, fading smile 🙂

I am constantly checking my feelings to see if i like/want her or if i’d cry in the thought of losing her..

Hey anita

I really can’t tell about those things, i feel unable to connect those dots in me..

How can i know if that’s a projection? I think it’s because of her words i was led to think that..

Well, i feel none of those things for myself, is this bad? 🙁

Same here anita

Hey anita

I didnt know this saying about the bees but i googled it and i found it very heart-warming, perhaps u are right 🙂 (even tho this makes me feel nice, i do feel some fear for the “responsibility” too 🙁 )

It’s weird that we’ve spent 5 months exchanging nice things here 🙂

You are right, this word could be a better fit because i don’t seek personal gain out of her. Damn, when i think of how good i make her feel, she smiles, etc, i see her as such an innocent and kind soul and i wanna cry because i feel like i’m gonna fail her 🙁

Haha i didnt think of it like that either, i guess im too selfish focusing only on my own feelings!

She deserves it so i act like it 🙂 but its difficult at times, for example today as soon as i woke up, my mind latched onto her and was trying to push her away, its really weird.

Then be happier than your likings 🙂

I am trying to not act based on my feelings (which are very down atm, almost anhedonia) and rather act on my values and what i was feeling before, because they say feelings follow actions.

Yes that’s how i feel for everyone sort of.. Well, its complicated haha, sometimes i act like a mirror which is not good i know, but mostly ill be myself.

Hey anita

Yes i feel like that too, i’ve learned to earn love, not to be given freely so now i feel weird/unsettled.. Its sad because it makes me feel like now i “owe” the other person something.

Yes kinda like that, because my feelings are eluding me right now (maybe what im referring to as “feelings” is the intense infatuation of the honeymoon phase though), that i wont be able to keep up and be good for her, and i’ll hurt her.

I couldnt login either,its a forum problem i think.

I almost never get angry, its like a rare emotion for me.