Hey anita

You are welcome 🙂

The thing is i’ve become like so that i keep checking the feelings and try to hold them and then question if they were real or “enough”, compared to the previous period (before november, the birth of Confused)

I think that it will be like that for a while too yeah, i guess the expectations ruin my moments, and the comparison with the past 🙁

I am trying but after i posted the previous message, she told me she likes me just how i am and i felt a little bit of aversion again, but then i was okay. I think my problem is rumination, expectations, comparison and “responsibility” feelings.

I wanna do just that but how can u do that if u dont feel the “pull” to communicate with your partner every day? If i atleast had that 🙁

You are right though, i should just accept me for who i am at the moment and stop the guilt tripping.

You saying that kinda makes me feel better because it’s hard when the mind is full of doubts constantly 🙂

Hey anita!

I appreciate that you understand what i mean, because sometimes even those things that i wrote seem doubtful to me and my mind keeps saying “yeah but…”

I think that was mostly what i felt, but idk why intensity overwhelmed me, nothing changed at that time, other than the convo.
I did feel a lot of pressure to be the “confused before this” and i forced myself to keep texting because i didnt want to lose her, so i think it led to aversion.

U think this all make sense? I will narrate it to therapy exactly like that. The thing is, what do i do afterwards?

But what was i afraid of? I mean in the beginning, when i got the gut reaction (november 12th). I remember reading her poem about her feelings for me and i was shook, i thought “why am i not feeling MORE? am i gonna disappoint her? Hurt her?”. I think this was the first hit for me. I know afterwards that i was afraid of her leaving me (hence the abandonment dreams) so now maybe my brain just switched all off?

I remember telling her in the 2nd day after i felt like that that “my emotional battery is very low, i feel like my feelings are locked in a box and i can’t access them but i know in my mind that i want you”, then i started losing words mid sentences, looking in the mirror and wondering how this guy is me (i mean, how my brain played me like this). But what i was really feeling was: “everyone just leave me alone, i have nothing to give now, i dont want anyone by my side” but i didn’t want anyone (especially her) to leave me. It’s very confusing, hence my nickname 🙁

I read the post from @Hailey in this thread: Hi there everyone!

I’ve gone through the same unfortunate incident about a year ago. I was in love for the first time and I fell in love with him more and more every day. We were so good together for 2 years but my relationship was kept a secret from my family ( if it’s questionable to understand for u why, I’m a South Asian girl so most of the times families don’t support our affairs ) and I was in fear of getting caught to my fam because I was scared that they might try to separate me from my bf. One day unfortunately they got to knew about us and I had an argument with my family. They threatened me to break up with him ( not for any fair reasons at all ) and I cried a lot and I was so mad at them. I went to sleep that night after calling my bf and I was so much in love with him. And I woke up next day feeling such an emptiness in my mind my brain. I couldn’t even feel anything for my bf. I cried a lot everyday and I’ve been feeling numb toward him for almost an year now but breaking up with him seems so hard for me because well he’s still a big part of my life. I still wanna know what happened to me and I wanna figure it out and if there’s anyway I can recover what happened, I would. I’m still trying cause he’s all worth it and we’re worth it. But some nights I still feel that I love him but then that feeling again gets vanished and I’m depressed. It feels like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. Could someone reply to my text if there are still any of you whore reading this thread ? Thank you! God bless!

and i found similarities on the fear and the “feelings vanishing after appearing for a little bit” things.

Yeah i am sorry, i tend to do that a lot since i’ve had this happen to me..No matter what anyone says to me i just find problems to the solutions, its exhausting 🙁

Yeah maybe i didn’t describe my symptoms well enough? Idk..

I think i definitely did, at least until 10 days ago, now i feel somewhat better, but still not like my old self.

Hey anita

Yeah i dont feel like it’s helping me at all tbh..

I know and i appreciate it.

But i tried to say goodbye to her and it shatters my heart, not having her in my life and not talking to her again, it makes me sob and hurt. Feels like the wrong thing to do.

I think i woke up feeling “not well” and i realized it affected my relationship with her, then i started spiraling and obsessively checking for my feelings for her for the next 4 months (until now) because i didn’t want to lose her.So i think depression happened first.

Hey anita

She basically told me that i created a “scenario” that i was not familiar with, something like that. But i am not sure if that’s the case at all. When i woke up feeling like this (11th november, 1 day before the stomach repulsion feeling) i remember telling my friend “i feel weird, like i am anhedonic and i don’t want to do anything, and that affected my romantic feelings (i said “i feel like my romance is dead”) and i don’t feel the motivation to go and meet her in a month. Next day is when all went to shit. So, perhaps it was just emotional burnout that i didn’t handle well and it has nothing to do with attachment and fears??

I am sorry that u went through that, i understand since my mother was kinda like that, but i never thought like u “where is the next aggression” and stuff, i was always open and available to receiving love from my girlfriends. That’s why it feels “wrong” to me to blame it on attachment issues.