Menu

Peace

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 111 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382685
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita  and Teak,

    thank you for your POSTs .

    “I didn’t count correctly (talking about “timing .. patterns”, from the title of your thread, lol): you are not 10 hours ahead of me, you are 9 hours ahead.”

    hahahha yes i too recounted ..it was less than 10 hours hahha.

    “It seems like you are still in a long-distance relationship with the same guy you shared about back in April”

    No i broke up with my LDR  in mid March during my exams as it was stressing me out and upset …and faced some emotional guilt tripping as he was blaming me for ruining his life …

    and than i took some time to process all those things because i was disturbed and  seriously emotionally numb for some weeks ..i wasnt ready to enter into anything new .than in April i decided to talk to this new guy as he was away for vacation  and started seeing him in May as he came back ..

    yes it feels right and he is very respectfull and not rushy at all …i dont second guess his words and actions which i used to do in previous relationship and i m not anxious this time ..he rarely say something romantic but when he says, i want to trust him because i feel he really meant that ..

    Regarding marriage i m little concerned now ..i think in my life there is always one or another problem regarding relationships haahha..after all those messy relationships i m also tired of dramas and very selective and judmental when it comes to relationship …i felt about this guy that may be he is right one for me ..i shared to my sis about him casually ,but she objected ..according to her this new guy’s grandfathers were outsiders (from other race ) before 200 years or more …even though he speaks our language , same culture ,same city  ,same religion, everything is same ..but when it comes to marriage they are not acceptable are not  really from our caste according to her ..and she passed a racist comment which hurted me …i told her i dont care about class or these sub classes neither should you …but her concern are “what people will say ?” because this society thinks these people are inferior even in 2021 … i dont care about this society because i have seen the double standard  and Fakness of this society already ..she advised me to not talk to him and find someone else because you have still time to find someone better  ..  i was so disappointed ..

    and to be honest i have seen these so called superior class of my caste here where i m locating   and these people have no ambition in life and mostly are refugees .they are doing nothing but taking social help every month because most of them dont even want to work because they think so highly of themselves and those so called people wants nothing but sex  or  harrassed or made my life miserable …

     

    this new Guy was a student here ,he came here completed his studies ..doing his job living a decent life ..he is respectful , wants something real  like marriage..helpful and cares for me , responsible we enjoy each others company and much more …

    its very strange that these all thing doesnt matter in our country just the caste matter …actually sub caste and caste of grandfathers  also matters …i told my sister on call that “we are racist ” because she was willing to go for my brother proposal outside of our caste ,when i asked her ” why are you going there ? they are not from our caste people  ” so she replied ” but they are beautiful they have colourful eyes etc… ”

    its strange …i know as i talk about marriage, there will be a huge drama there in my family everyone will have this objection  … but to be honest my family wont care in long run, they wont  ..only out of 9 sister only 1  (this)sister call me once or twice in a week other calls me or text me after months ..They all are busy in their own life .yes  my brother calls me mostly because i want to talk to my mother but she doesnt call me too  🙁 ..i even question myself , if they really care how am i doing here alone ….but i m sure they all wont be happy with this guy ..

    i m anxious about future and should i really be thinking about this caste issue ? i dont think it should matter ..

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382663
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ;

    oh i m sorry to hear about the heatwave .i dint hear about it .i hope you are doing good now .here ,where i m living the temperature is normal and cool almost raining all day long.

    Yes i would do that..hopfully i will get the appointment end of july.

    enjoy your walk 🙂

    its 23:20 pm here 8 july here and its 2pm ..interesting

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382661
    Peace
    Participant

    A small update:

    as i mentioned about a Guy in my previous post i m quoting here :

    “On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of  my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship)  for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..”

     

    so i m seeing ( trying to know him) from May this year almost 2 months ..we go out on weekends 1-2 times a week  and travel to other cities or countries , have some  coffee  / ice cream  , dinner. we spend time togather  we laugh ,tease each other and enjoy the  company and we like it .we are seeing each other in  non_sexual way ..we dint even kiss each other yet hahaha  ..we just hold each others hand when we go out …i dont invite him at my place nor does he..which i m liking it .. he is an introvert and it took him almost more than one month to hold my hand. he doesnt do all the sweet talks  but i see him doing the things which he should be doing ..and i really feel good inside and appreciate it .i like the consistancy and that i dont need to walk on egg shells while trying to talk to him or discuss to him something. he doesnt force me to do things which i cant do ..even while making plans he always ask me “when do you have time ? or if i m avaliable / or if possible than ” .. …i dont know why but i m feeling as if its right one this time ..its going slow but very calm as if there is no need to rush anything …i havent seen any such red flags yet ..

    what are your thoughts about this Anita ?

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382659
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

    Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again 🙂

     

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382658
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

    Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again 🙂

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382656
    Peace
    Participant

    Hallo Anita,

    i just noticed your message  …it felt so good .. thank you ..

    i am good and Fine,  how about you ? Did you take your Corona  vaccination ?

    i have exams again next month ..see time flies haha ..i was just giving exams in march -April and i remember posting here on those days .

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377419
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita and Teak ,

    thank you ..you too take care of yourself …

    will be in touch 🙂

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377291
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak and Anita ,

    thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .

    i want to share something which he said  to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty  ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone  back than .

     

    thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my  parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood ..it is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional  (love )support  which she was missing  and overcome that emotional neglect.

    P.S:

    my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..

    thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..

     

    as Teak wrote: “You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”

    i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty  ..i m going to keep it very simple  from now onwards by setting some boundaries .

    Peace

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377219
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    No anita..i dint have sex, or kissed or hugged him ever.. But i feel i should have distanced myself t, when he first proposed me…

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377205
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ,

    i was reading about “Guilt Tripping” and you are right , he was using this to make me feel bad so that i start the relation with him.. to be honest it is very disturbing experience ..

    i dont know if i should write here about a flatmate 32, who is now a good and close  friend of mine ( we are working at same place ).he is very sincere, honest  ,helpful (helped me everytime even without asking fot it ,cares for me etc).who likes me and loves me and proposed me , which i rejected by saying that ” i like him (as a friend) but i have different caste and i love somebody else( my ex) ”  and he knew that because i used to talk to my now (ex) bf  ..

    things got better for sometime after the rejection, but now turning very ugly and complicated  from last month ..he cant sleep ,as a friend i asked him several times so he told me because his family want him to get marry and he is unhappy about it ..and then he told me ,he cant sleep because he thinks about me all the time.( i was feeling very bad).but still he wants to care about me ,do things for me ( which i dont like and i m just frustrated now ) and make me realize again and again that he loves me etc.. he propose me alot of time ..even when his family was searching for a girl he was taking sleeping pills …i talked to him and said u dont need to marry if u are not ready..he told me ,the only solution of his problem is “Me”,and if i marry him or run away  ..i took this as a joke (lightly )

    again he asked me , “run away with me “…”lets do court marriage and dont tell your family (no one will know  ) i rejected ” and was confused …even though he knew i like/love  someone ( he knows nothing about my breakup ,because i dint want to give him any false hope that i m single ) but still asking me such things … asked me alot of time about moving in togather ,even he knows i have bf and as a society  we are not allowed to live alone in an apartment..

    i decided to leave  job because i wanted to have some distance so that he can see me less and move on with his life ..i got new one easily so i told him, he wasnt happy about that .. he applied for same job and got rejected and applied again and than got accepted ..but later he was calling me Selfish ,and the person who does what best for me ,and he stated that i dont think about him…

    before 3 days i was just talking to him casually  about “Life in Abroad ” that i want to have good health ,study and financial situation during living here because these are very important ,if any one  is missing ,you will get disturb here(Germany) as a Student , and he again said , I can provide you all these things…

    i felt angry …and frustrated ..because i have been rejecting but again and again the same topic .and whenever i try to stay away, he is always there ..

    he made me feel very bad by saying he cares about me, but i dont, and i do everything ,what is good for me and that i only think about myself and he is only one who cares .

    he gets angry and rude sometimes and

    last week he acted  like he is my husband …i went to see a friend two days before and my ex started using emotional tripping …as i reached home i went to my room ( i was very sad ) ..thn this friend (flatmate) called me and was blaming me that why i dint knock his room to say” Hallo “(after arriving) and was telling me that he was making whole day for me a desert ,which i like but u dint even say me “Hi” and he dint eat anything apart from breakfast but i dint ask him ,if he has eaten anything ….i felt awkward .i told him” as i dint know who should i please  and whose expectation should i fullfill etc “…. and i stopped talking to him …As i cant take this “Good friend game ” anymore ..i feel like i m emotionally drained for being blamed ..as if i m the reason if my (ex) is sad and ruining his life and i m also the reason of this friends(flatmate ) sleepless nights..

    i just wanna go far away from him ..i searched a new accomodation for me and  he wants to shift there too…its getting very messy seriously..i cant ignore him as long as i m living in same apartment and doing same job…

    i know i have done few mistake by dealing with him..but Anita , is he also using Guilt tripping?? ,when he start making me realize that choosing a different job is a selfish act and he wouldnt have done that,or by saying he cares for me but i dont and he took hours to make a desert for me but i couldnt ask him if he has eaten something as a courtesy or by saying “Hi” ??? or he cant sleep nights  because he thinks about me all the time ….or he will marry anyone who his family will choose ,without saying anything,or he left everything on God ,but than again asking me if i should run away with him and much more…

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377141
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

    thank you so much for reading my all those long post and trying to know my situation better.

    as you asked : I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

    i dont remember going to my mom and telling her my problems ..all the bullying, or teasing from anyone ..i actually couldn’t communicate..i remember when i was very sensitive ..for example :if someone asked me about anything ,my eyes would just  fill full of tears …

    Actually i feel you are right here “so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.” i feel there was a lacking in my childhood ,i dint recieve enough affection ,love ,being seen or heard in my childhood thats why i craved for these things automatically i got attracted when someone showed love ,respect toward me ..and i couldnt help myself ,without having any experience i started pleasing those people who showed me abit of love ..

    i dont know how/where to find a counselor for my trauma’s  ,if i can find someone here in germany who i can afford.. but i want to be whole  .and thats why i m just trying to love myself and push myself,motivating my self.. i think i have learnt alot from my experiences but there is more to learn …

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377122
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ,

    Sorry ..as i had exams  i couldnt write  back sooner.

    “The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation.“

    actually i let him go before my exams (2 -3 weeks before)…i told him that i m turned off and i m not feeling those feelings anymore ..it was very awkward ..i was weeping he was weeping ..he said he wants to send proposal now..but i denied as i wasnt feeling anything ..i consider him a good person .i like him but not in romantic way anymore ..

    but he is putting very emotional status after the breakup and yesterday he was blaming me for everything ..he was asking me “why did i do this to him ??” and he admits that he was irresponsible but how can i lose all feelings for him and pretend as if nothing happened  in these 2 months?? .. saying very emotional stuff  like” i ruined his life but he wants to see me happy “and putting emotional  stories on whatsapp ..telling me he cant stop crying ,he is very depressed ,everyone can see that , his mom is sad by knowing that he is very upset even yesterday he texted me by saying that his ex gf texted him and said him not to put such status… i asked him but why is he telling me all these stuff.??. or sending me picture of his hand while being injured at work ..i was feeling sad and disturb during exams with all these things .but from yesterday i m trying not to be much effected by this emotional stuff. i feel like he is exaggerrating things now . yes i understand its very difficult and he must be going through a painful phase ..i was hurting too but  how did i ruin his life ? i dint ..yes i was there and he was happy because i was the one who was there for him emotionally,financially ,as friend and as a lover for him in every way …talking to him such stuff.. i helped him financially ,even i m not asking for those money from him nor i have any intention in future to ask about them but again why is he making me feel bad as if i took his advantage in this long distance …

    as you wrote :

    “Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!”

    this line really touched me and i understood it  fully and i was giving my 100% and now i m trying even harder to make a good career ..

    you also suggested me ,as you wrote : “I would like you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far”.

    i understand from it that you are pointing my study and career ..or is there anything else in which i should make better choices ?? so that i dont suffer much in future..

    peace

     

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376381
    Peace
    Participant

    dear anita,

    have some good rest

    peace

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376377
    Peace
    Participant

    dear teak,

    Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?

    my brother was also young and very busy in his own life ,like going out with friends ,he had different school, i remember once he took stand for me when some neighbours boys making fun/bullying  me (my nose) ..i used to think i m very ugly in childhood and used to cry for that  ..but now i dont think i m ugly but” i feel i m beautiful” and many people said i m beautiful.

     

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376374
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita and Teak,

     

    thank you so much for your posts ..i was reading and rereading them from last few days( because of my exams couldnt reply immediately ),and rethinking about all the situation in my childhood and most importantly this “Virgin” topic and those all unpleasant past (relationship) which disturbed me for long time and from last years i was working on  my self because this  topic”Virgin” makes me feel very worthless, insecure and the thoughts start coming “no men will ever accept me and many more” and” i should better compromise and marry any one who is ready for me ”  but then i think “No i am more than “a piece of hymen ” and not a piece of meat to be with someone (who can just have sex in the name of marriage)”..may be i cant describe those negative feelings and thoughts which comes in my mind ..

     

    As anita asked:

    “she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?

    You did not share a single word that she ever told you.”

    So yes  Anita , you reconized correctly ..my mom is a very quiet person .we dint talk much.i dont remmenber her talking to me or her guiding me because she doesnt talk much.when i was a child she was very busy doing houshold or going out to buy things for siblings  or taking guests to hospitals (who came from village ).i remember i used to come from school at 5pm and she wasnt there at home ..or many times i was left at home with my siblings who would tease me .one insulting than the other by beating or slapping .may be she did but i dont remmember anything even we dont talk much now i call home to talk to her we just ask “how are you?” , “what are you doing ?” “what did u cook?”  but i miss her and care for her alot..we cant talk more 2 mints ..

    Teak asked:

    “What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?”

    i dint tell her i dint tell anyone .i was scared that may be i m wrong to go out..and i was scared that if i tell my elder sisters they would never support me . they will say i was wrong because in my culture no matter what , “elders are always right ” like my cousin who asked me to stay home.i also experienced sexual abuse from a men who lives near to my area but i never had this gut to share with them ..AND most interestingly when i first got my periods ,i had no idea about that ,i was confused and scared ..during this time , my sister called me i was very afraid to go to her..i thought may be i did something horrible thats why i m bleeding and even though i knew i did nothing but i was scared that no one believe me.

    i dint share anything to anyone because no one was ready or interested to talk to a child .i dint share what was happening in school.if i got slapped by any cousin i would just say nothing and go with teary eyes in a corner to weep..while writing now i cant stop my tears by remembering all those things again..

    peace

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Peace.
Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 111 total)