dear Anita ;

oh i m sorry to hear about the heatwave .i dint hear about it .i hope you are doing good now .here ,where i m living the temperature is normal and cool almost raining all day long.

Yes i would do that..hopfully i will get the appointment end of july.

enjoy your walk 🙂

its 23:20 pm here 8 july here and its 2pm ..interesting

Dear Anita,

i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again 🙂

Hallo Anita,

i just noticed your message  …it felt so good .. thank you ..

i am good and Fine,  how about you ? Did you take your Corona  vaccination ?

i have exams again next month ..see time flies haha ..i was just giving exams in march -April and i remember posting here on those days .

Dear Teak and Anita ,

thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .

i want to share something which he said  to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty  ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone  back than .

thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my  parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood ..it is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional  (love )support  which she was missing  and overcome that emotional neglect.

P.S:

my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..

thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..

as Teak wrote: “You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”

i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty  ..i m going to keep it very simple  from now onwards by setting some boundaries .

Peace

dear Anita ,

i was reading about “Guilt Tripping” and you are right , he was using this to make me feel bad so that i start the relation with him.. to be honest it is very disturbing experience ..

i dont know if i should write here about a flatmate 32, who is now a good and close  friend of mine ( we are working at same place ).he is very sincere, honest  ,helpful (helped me everytime even without asking fot it ,cares for me etc).who likes me and loves me and proposed me , which i rejected by saying that ” i like him (as a friend) but i have different caste and i love somebody else( my ex) ”  and he knew that because i used to talk to my now (ex) bf  ..

things got better for sometime after the rejection, but now turning very ugly and complicated  from last month ..he cant sleep ,as a friend i asked him several times so he told me because his family want him to get marry and he is unhappy about it ..and then he told me ,he cant sleep because he thinks about me all the time.( i was feeling very bad).but still he wants to care about me ,do things for me ( which i dont like and i m just frustrated now ) and make me realize again and again that he loves me etc.. he propose me alot of time ..even when his family was searching for a girl he was taking sleeping pills …i talked to him and said u dont need to marry if u are not ready..he told me ,the only solution of his problem is “Me”,and if i marry him or run away  ..i took this as a joke (lightly )

again he asked me , “run away with me “…”lets do court marriage and dont tell your family (no one will know  ) i rejected ” and was confused …even though he knew i like/love  someone ( he knows nothing about my breakup ,because i dint want to give him any false hope that i m single ) but still asking me such things … asked me alot of time about moving in togather ,even he knows i have bf and as a society  we are not allowed to live alone in an apartment..

i decided to leave  job because i wanted to have some distance so that he can see me less and move on with his life ..i got new one easily so i told him, he wasnt happy about that .. he applied for same job and got rejected and applied again and than got accepted ..but later he was calling me Selfish ,and the person who does what best for me ,and he stated that i dont think about him…

before 3 days i was just talking to him casually  about “Life in Abroad ” that i want to have good health ,study and financial situation during living here because these are very important ,if any one  is missing ,you will get disturb here(Germany) as a Student , and he again said , I can provide you all these things…

i felt angry …and frustrated ..because i have been rejecting but again and again the same topic .and whenever i try to stay away, he is always there ..

he made me feel very bad by saying he cares about me, but i dont, and i do everything ,what is good for me and that i only think about myself and he is only one who cares .

he gets angry and rude sometimes and

last week he acted  like he is my husband …i went to see a friend two days before and my ex started using emotional tripping …as i reached home i went to my room ( i was very sad ) ..thn this friend (flatmate) called me and was blaming me that why i dint knock his room to say” Hallo “(after arriving) and was telling me that he was making whole day for me a desert ,which i like but u dint even say me “Hi” and he dint eat anything apart from breakfast but i dint ask him ,if he has eaten anything ….i felt awkward .i told him” as i dint know who should i please  and whose expectation should i fullfill etc “…. and i stopped talking to him …As i cant take this “Good friend game ” anymore ..i feel like i m emotionally drained for being blamed ..as if i m the reason if my (ex) is sad and ruining his life and i m also the reason of this friends(flatmate ) sleepless nights..

i just wanna go far away from him ..i searched a new accomodation for me and  he wants to shift there too…its getting very messy seriously..i cant ignore him as long as i m living in same apartment and doing same job…

i know i have done few mistake by dealing with him..but Anita , is he also using Guilt tripping?? ,when he start making me realize that choosing a different job is a selfish act and he wouldnt have done that,or by saying he cares for me but i dont and he took hours to make a desert for me but i couldnt ask him if he has eaten something as a courtesy or by saying “Hi” ??? or he cant sleep nights  because he thinks about me all the time ….or he will marry anyone who his family will choose ,without saying anything,or he left everything on God ,but than again asking me if i should run away with him and much more…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Peace.

dear Anita ,

Sorry ..as i had exams  i couldnt write  back sooner.

“The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation.“

actually i let him go before my exams (2 -3 weeks before)…i told him that i m turned off and i m not feeling those feelings anymore ..it was very awkward ..i was weeping he was weeping ..he said he wants to send proposal now..but i denied as i wasnt feeling anything ..i consider him a good person .i like him but not in romantic way anymore ..

but he is putting very emotional status after the breakup and yesterday he was blaming me for everything ..he was asking me “why did i do this to him ??” and he admits that he was irresponsible but how can i lose all feelings for him and pretend as if nothing happened  in these 2 months?? .. saying very emotional stuff  like” i ruined his life but he wants to see me happy “and putting emotional  stories on whatsapp ..telling me he cant stop crying ,he is very depressed ,everyone can see that , his mom is sad by knowing that he is very upset even yesterday he texted me by saying that his ex gf texted him and said him not to put such status… i asked him but why is he telling me all these stuff.??. or sending me picture of his hand while being injured at work ..i was feeling sad and disturb during exams with all these things .but from yesterday i m trying not to be much effected by this emotional stuff. i feel like he is exaggerrating things now . yes i understand its very difficult and he must be going through a painful phase ..i was hurting too but  how did i ruin his life ? i dint ..yes i was there and he was happy because i was the one who was there for him emotionally,financially ,as friend and as a lover for him in every way …talking to him such stuff.. i helped him financially ,even i m not asking for those money from him nor i have any intention in future to ask about them but again why is he making me feel bad as if i took his advantage in this long distance …

as you wrote :

“Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!”

this line really touched me and i understood it  fully and i was giving my 100% and now i m trying even harder to make a good career ..

you also suggested me ,as you wrote : “I would like you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far”.

i understand from it that you are pointing my study and career ..or is there anything else in which i should make better choices ?? so that i dont suffer much in future..

peace

dear teak,

Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?

my brother was also young and very busy in his own life ,like going out with friends ,he had different school, i remember once he took stand for me when some neighbours boys making fun/bullying  me (my nose) ..i used to think i m very ugly in childhood and used to cry for that  ..but now i dont think i m ugly but” i feel i m beautiful” and many people said i m beautiful.

dear Teak;

Does it mean you were criticized by your siblings and it is because of that, that you felt unwanted? Or your parents criticized you too?

actually yes they criticized me in fun way which hurted me ..unfortunately our elders  or us dont know a child want emotional,love or appreciation so they did it .my parents never criticized me ..my other siblings were actually jealous because my mom loves me alot..

I don’t quite understand how that looked like – you were sitting in her lap and used her hands to feed yourself? It’s something she made you do?

actually it was more like she used to feed me with her hands ,i dont remember exactly if i used to sit on her lap or beside her while eating food.specially if she cooked/fried fish..she was afraid if mistakely eat the bone of it..

Whose attention did you crave the most?

i wanted my siblings attention ,cousins or some guests..

out side of home i got scared very easily, dint have much confident , very quite , scared of being judge in school ..after 5th standard i started becoming better in studies ,gained some confidence but deep inside ,i was very scared …