Ah yes, fake it till you make it. That can work in certain situations, however my feeling is that its best to be genuine. That said learning to be better at communication and engaged with others takes practice so going in with the perspective of let’s see what works could be a less stressful approach then needing to be perfect every time. (A curse of being an introvert is a tendency to need to be perfect and not to “embarrass” ourselves.) Your written communication is very strong as is your engagement in your post, so you have a lot to work with.

I always hated the ‘speak up more in meetings’ comment on my reviews. I have learned to speak up in a meeting when I have something to say but for the most part I play the role of active listener. Making eye contact every now and then with who ever is speaking, leaning towards them (not in a creepy way) and nodding and smiling when appropriate. In this way I remain engaged even when quite. Funny side affect, it has been pointed out to me that often in a meeting people will be “talking” to me.  To be candid I’m hard of hearing so I have to be a active listener but my managers don’t need to know that. ?

You have additional challenge if your dealing with customers. Again, being an active listener can help with engagement. This is not about faking it but being genuine… assuming you care about your customers, which I bet you do. Such interactions are a great place to practice compassion while maintaining one’s personal boundaries. As an introvert you likely have developed a natural empathy and its ok to let that show.

Amma

So sorry to hear about your loss. It breaks my heart

Hi Emelie

Wow 5 different countries in a year. That must have been quite the experience and I can imagine how overwhelming it must be while your in it. When in the future you have a chance to look back I suspect you will discover that each experience taught you something valuable and that you have been able to use as you continue to grow.

I’m always fascinated hearing stories how people ended up in the careers they landed on. More often then not the path they planed was not the path they took and they were happier for it. Life changes with every breath we take

I’m not a fan of this search for happiness or plan to be happy someday in the future when everything will be how we imagined.

If we are constantly planing for happiness we will never take time to be happy. And if we are constantly measuring our state of being, Am I happy now, what about now, Oh yes now… crap what happened to it. Why can’t I hold onto it. Maybe I can recreate the past… step in the same river twice…

Better I think to embrace life as it shows up. Its OK to be worried and afraid. Notice it hasn’t stopped you from making changes and moving forward and that is brave. Also notice that you have handled everything that has come your way. Sure somethings you handled better then others either way you handled it and you will handle whatever else comes your way as well.

Most people I know never leave their back yard, never take a chance. You, your out their doing it, your writing your story not having it written for you

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go….

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too….

― Dr. Seuss

Don’t get me wrong; I am absolutely terrified. And, in fact, I feel like I am quite far from being able to embrace uncertainty.

Hi Emelie

You made me smile as I very much relate. You might not realize it yet but you are leaping which was why your story reminded me of that book.

It took me 4 years to come up with a plan so that I felt ready to leave the military.  Yet when I finally let go of the “trapeze bar’ it was a moment, literately a second. A terrifying moment but once I let go I was all in and focused as I went back to school not knowing how it was going to work out just that I needed to do it.

When I look I sometimes wonder did it really take 4 years or was it just that moment of letting go. I don’t know. I have learned that change happens slowly then all at once. That we don’t tend to notice the small changes we make along the way before we leap. Its weird but it wasn’t the leap that turned out to be scary it was all those small changes I didn’t fully notice that was behind most of my anxiety and fear .

Anyway I hope you keep documenting your process as you go about your transition. Will make for a good story one day.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

Hi Emelie

Reminded me of a book I read: Between Trapezes: Flying into a New Life with the Greatest of Ease – by Gail Blanke

“But what if we could learn to embrace uncertainty and propel ourselves forward with a sense of curiosity and adventure, rather than fear and trepidation?” – Gail Blanke

Sometimes, I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments, I’m hurdling across space between the trapeze bars.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are the illusions we dream up to not notice the void. Yes, with all the fear that can accompany transitions, they are still the most vibrant, growth-filled, passionate moments in our lives. And so transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to “hang out” in the transition zone — between the trapeze bars — allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens.

It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening. Hurdling through the void, we just may learn to fly. Judy Banks

Looking forward to hearing what happens Next

stay calm and things will happen as they need to happen. I just need to be patient and wait?

More like be patient and engage in life as it shows up. This is not a passive waiting, but active being.

As you engage with life pay attention to what you allow your attention to attach to.  Notice, learn and allow the moment to flow by detaching your attention. Participation in the flow entails noticing whey you are attaching your attention on a memory, frustration, fear or some such. When you notice feel it and check into what is real. (Fear is more often then not False Evidence Appearing Real). Once you identify what is “real” you will be in a better position to allow your attention/focus to move on to the next moment. Eventually you will discover what you’ve been looking for.

(We think we can keep a moment from flowing by attaching and holding onto it but that is a lie. The moment flows regardless of what we do to try to control it so might has well respect that reality and participate vice attempt to stop the flow. More often then not its our resistance that creates the worry not the actually event.)

if I go through life always trying to do the right thing, why do I keep getting all this stuff back?

I’ve always struggled with the idea behind the theology of reward and punishment which as you ask is a belief that if I do all the ‘right things’ obey all the rules I will be rewarded. Such notions do not exist in nature where the rain falls on the “good”  and the “bad”.

Then there is the idea of “the Secret” where like attracts like, so if I’m positive, positive things will happen to me. The rub being that I must to my very core be “positive” which requires that I do the work to “”Know my Self” which requires embracing the negative and the positive within our selves. Misunderstood  we end up putting on the face of positively pretending all is well when we are hurting.

Or Karma mistakenly  associated with Justice. Good things must happen to good people bad things to bad people as that only fair. If I desire that “karma” will punish those that have harmed me… what karma am I putting into play?

I think it should be enough to do what is right because you feel it is right and that that is who you are. There are no mistakes other then those we don’t learn from. Learn better, do better what more can you ask of yourself?

Positivity is great however if your suppressing your feelings in order to do so that is not positivity.

One day the farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbor hears of his bad news and comes over to commiserate.
“I hear that you lost your horse. That is bad news and bad luck.” “Well, who knows?” said the farmer, “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

Well, the next day the farmer’s horse returns to his stable, but it has brought along a drove of wild horses
it has befriended and who make themselves at home. The neighbor across the way can’t believe what he hears about his friend. He decides to come over and congratulate him. “This is such goodness,” he says. “Well, who knows,” said the farmer, “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

The next day the farmer’s son decided to ride one of the new wild horses, to break it in. As luck would have it, the son was thrown from the horse and broke his leg. Of course, upon hearing this sad news, their neighbor came over to offer condolences. “This is such sad thing,” he said. “Your son has broken his leg. This is bad news.” “Well, who knows,” said the farmer. “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.”

On the following day soldiers came by commandeering and army. They took sons from most of the surrounding farms, but because the farmer’s son had a broken leg, he could not go and was spared. And well, maybe it was good news and maybe it wasn’t. Who knows what is good and what is not.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

Paul

help me find a meaning and purpose to my life

Which come first the chicken or the egg, the fever or the cold, the depression or search for meaning?

It kind of ironic however its possible that it is the search for meaning and purpose is feeding into your depression instead of engaging you to life

The issue with meaning and purpose is that people think they know what they want when they use those words. The problem is that the search itself can be the very thing keeping us from experiencing the very thing we are searching for.

Meaning and Purpose do not exist in the natural world. Not in the way that we tend to think about those words. A flowers purpose and meaning be a flower. Growing is not the meaning or purpose, being is, the flower itself, as it is, is purpose and meaning. In becoming the flower gives meaning to Life, Life does not give meaning to the flower. And that is a big difference of perspective.

You, as you are, all your struggles and accomplishments give Life meaning and purpose. You are meaning and purpose. All that you do and are is done with purpose and meaning even taking out the garbage.

Reading your post, I don’t think the search of meaning and purpose is troubling you as much as being lonely and in a kind of rut. The experience of meaning and purpose are often tied to the experience of being in relation to others.  When we are witnessed by others it is more likely (easier) that we can accept ourselves as meaning and purpose.

My Advice for what its worth, is to let go of your “search” for meaning and instead engage in Life as it presents it self to you. Opportunities to engage with others will present themselves to you. Say Yes