Hi Dia

There is a difference between supporting, helping and enabling.

Supporting someone is being fully committed to a person, whilst allowing them to do their part in terms of making any changes necessary. Supporting another empowers them, as it comes from connecting to another as an equal and understanding that they have the power within them to arise above whatever is challenging them.

Helping another is when we essentially go over the line and enter into the other person’s space in an attempt to bring them to the line. This approach occurs when we perceive another as a victim of their circumstances, and judge that they are incapable of coming to the line for themselves and hence feel that to ‘support’ them we need to do the work for them.  The problem with helping another in this way is that, even if we do succeed in getting the person to come to the line it is essentially our energy doing it not theirs.

Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. Enabling is different from helping and supporting in that it allows the enabled person to be irresponsible.

One needs to be very mindful especially within family if one is crossing the line between supporting, helping, or enabling.

My observation has been that receiving ‘help’ from a family member more often then not ends in resentment so I would focus on support – creating the space for your brother to find his own way and yes that means allowing him to make mistakes. It is not your role as sister to parent.

The other issue you mention is your concern and possibility jealously of how your parents parent your brother. It is understandable that you view the difference is treatment as enabling you brother’s behavior and it not being fair. (Am I correct in assuming there is some cultural influences at play here?) This treatment may not be fair however that issue is between you and your parents and is not about you and your brother.

You are very fortunate to have a relationship with your brother where you can both talk about issues that concern you. My advice for what is worth is to be mindful about the ways you are communicating. Are you supporting, helping, or enabling. It is possible that the best support you can offer is being available to listen vice pushing an agenda.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

A road to nowhere can be a great place to start an journey of adventure. Not all who wander are lost…

Hi Katie

Can you imagine if the rules of life stated that you must figure everything out by the age of five because from that point on you will be forever forced deal with everything in the same way as that five-year-old would.  Most people looking at that statement would call such a rule absurd. Yet for many people the coping skills they developed by the age of five are the same skills they will rely on for most their lives, as they wonder why things don’t work out for them.  Again, looking at that last sentence you might think how foolish those people are to use the coping methods learned at an age of five to deal experiences latter in life and expect things to work out.

The concerns you have noted in your post are normal and suggests that you are entering a new stage of life. The concerns indicate that your ahead of the game as you question how your past experiences might be shaping your current experiences. This is an important opportunity to evaluate the lessons you have learned and address those that are holding you back. This is your opportunity to become more conscious of who you are and who you want to be. We are influenced by our past however we are not our past.  We can learn to do better

13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

Hi ZC

W.O.R.M  Write One Read Many  is a software term for writing code that is run over and over again.  Your consciousness has become fixated on the WORM of the imagined future that cannot be and so you suffer. If only, could of, should of… you replay the memories in the hopes of changing the past… feeding the WORM and allowing it to embed itself deeper and deeper.

I do not mean to be harsh. However as you know (but do not know) the issue is not about your ex and to stop the pain what is required is to stop feeding the WORM. (When you do kill the WORM and look back on how you did it, that is exactly what you will have done, you will have gotten to the point where you just stop. Maybe that takes years of therapy or maybe you just decide to do it).

It is possible one of the reasons that you don’t stop is that a part of you gets of payoff in dwelling on the past. The payoff of staying stuck could be the comfort of certainty experienced by not changing and moving on.  Staying stuck, out weighing the payoff of stopping and entering into a future that is uncertain.

You mention Karma. Karma as I understand is about ones action and cause and effect. Our actions create what we experience as well as what we a capable of seeing, the choices we are capable of making. Using the idea of reincarnation as a metaphor (each breathe is a death and a rebirth) we have the possibility to change to a higher or lower level with each breath we take . Our karma influences which door we might go through during the transition between death and rebirth. A karma based on fear may view the door to the higher level as the more difficult and uncertain path and door to the lower level of consciousnesses easier, less scary. We tend in each breath to chose the same level door  however the opportunity to choose the higher level of consciousness is always present.

Again sorry if the above comes off as being harsh.

I have often contemplated the life of a hermit or monk of just some tropical island somewhere… however for me the imaginings are based on a romanticising and so would likely find the reality disappointing.

Just came across a Brad Warner blog on hardcore Zen

He was asked a question from someone who felt day job was getting in his way suggesting that – “shouldn’t we run away from this mundane work-a-day life into the beautiful romantic world of being a peaceful monk in a dreamy temple in the far-off mountains?”  to which Brads answer. “If you cannot find the truth of your life right here, you will not find it anywhere else. There is no anywhere else.”

At first glace the answer might appear harsh however there is also a door to a realization that you can get where you want to go from just where you are. This does not mean not setting intentions or paying attention to our callings but a letting go of this clinging to how we imaged our path must look. The difference is in entering the flow of life, as it is, verses fighting the flow

How do you practice letting go?  My advice… by approaching ‘letting go’ as a practice something you intentionally work on when you notice a opportunity.  When you succeed be grateful and when you struggle and takes you longer then you might like, that’s good to, its practice. The intention of practice is to learn better and when you lean better add the new skill to the practice. Build up mussel and muscle memory as it were.

When you notice (mindful) that you are focused on thoughts/stories/memories about issues you cannot change and or that ‘project’ you into that past and or imagined future, and or fear. You intentionally create space to take a breath and acknowledge, without judging yourself, that you are directing your consciousness on on a story/thought/memory/fear that is keeping you from being in the moment. (you take responsibility without any judgment that might trigger negative self talk)

If you notice negative self talk take another breath and give yourself permission to set the internal dialog aside so that you might identify the issue that lies behind them as an observer. As a Observer you will likely notice that in most cases you have already dealt with the issue that your attention is directed on.

For example, the worry about getting old and not being able to do the things you hope for. In the space you created recognized that you have taken steps to exercise and eat healthy (and if not that you will). Notice there is nothing more you can do in the moment so you can let the story/thought/memory/fear go and  direct your attention on more helpful thoughts… or no thoughts…

With practice “letting go” of unskillful/unhelpful thoughts will become second nature. You may still be bothered by moments of worry and such but you won’t let them take hold of you. You will become the master of your story instead of letting the ‘stories’ master you.

When you experience rejection you suffer, when you avoid rejection you suffer. Either way you are choosing to suffer. When we attache our ego to our experiences we suffer… ‘You’ are not your experiences

How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

It is affecting me worse as I’m aging.  Not better

Hi Shawn

When I was young I moved 5 times in 12 years and today I’m terrified about the prospect of having to move. I wonder how my young self ever managed to handle all the uncertainty and where that person is now.   What changed?  A loss of innocence? Sure. More experience/memories of how things can go wrong, Yes. Perhaps there is another way to look at it. If History is the best predictor of the future. Whatever was faced was handled even the stuff I didn’t see coming or prepared for… nothing has changed…

In the morning after completing a night compass navigation challenge through woods I retraced the path we took. There was no path, just dense woods and thickets. A route I would never have taken in day light. I wonder how I made it through. Sometimes is better not knowing and just doing what needs to be done.

A master told his students a story about a monk who built a raft to cross a river.  After crossing the monk strapped the raft to his back carried it around with him where ever he went. The next obstacle this monk faced was deep canyon. In stead of unstrapping the raft from his back and using the rope to lower himself down he attempts to climb down with the raft tied to his back wondering why its so difficult… Life changes. Most of our coping methods are created by the age of 10 and we expect them to work for us when were 50, surprised and depressed when they don’t. It takes intentional effort to notice the “raft” we carry, untie it, break it down, discarding what is no longer useful.

Reading your posts, it clear that you have handled everything that has come your way. Sure, some things you might have done differently, or wished you would not have had to face, but you handled them just the same. You will handle whatever comes you way now.

The fear and doubt you have about this this uncertain stage of life you are entering is understandable but does not hold you back. In fact this uncertainty is a door to a path you might never  have imagined yourself taking and doing so surprising yourself.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Open the door.