“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Chaos is the law of nature; Order is the dream of man.” Henry Adams

“I want so badly to fight this, but I look ahead and I see slummy apartments, jobs I hate, being A 30 year old man who crises and never finds any kind of passion. I look at what my next step should be and there’s no ground to stand on.”

You have identified your problem and answered your own question. You know what your next step should be. The problem is looking ahead and imagining the worst. Living in this imagined future is leaving you with no ground to stand on because this future does not exist. How could you then stand on it? The first step then is to develop the skills to avoid this type of thinking/being.  (We create what we fear so we must be careful with what we imagine. The good news is that this truth means we can also create what we hope for.)

This tendency to look ahead and imagine a future and then living in that imagined future present is getting in your way of creating space where you can discover yourself and maybe even find yourself content to live in the present.

When you notice that you are projecting fear into the future and living it now try the practice of pulling your consciousness back to the present without judgments. Visualize your awareness as if it were a dog. Call it back from this imagined feared future and visualize yourself putting a leash on it. Practice training your dog consciousness. Learn when you can let the dog explore, run and play and when to call it to heel. Eventually you will learn the how to direct your consciousness instead of letting your consciousness direct you.

When you learn to create this space ask yourself what was it that trigger your flight into the future? Practice observing Fear without labeling it. How much of it was False Evidence Appearing Real? How much of your experience is a result of the labels you created?

Chaos does not mean total disorder. Chaos means a multiplicity of possibilities. Chaos is from the ancient Greek words that means a thing that is birthed from the void. And it was about that which is possible, not about disorder. Jok Church

A possibility that is birthed from the void! A “Life in complete chase” a doorway into possibility! Open the door and walk though.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Peter.

Sorry your feeling this way. You are not alone; a person can have a lot to be grateful and still experience loneliness and depression. Telling yourself that your wrong to have such feelings could be making such feelings stronger perhaps even finding yourself stuck feeling bad for feeling bad…

It sounds odd doesn’t it, feeling bad for feeling bad for feeling bad and down the rabbit hole we go. But this is what often happens when we label our feelings as wrong. A Label that can distract us from finding and dealing with what we need to attend to.

Here is an interesting paradox; what if feeling guilty for the way you feel, unworthy to feel what you are feeling, is connected to your experience of worthlessness. Is it possible that a step to moving forward and out of this stuck-ness is to acknowledge what you feeling? Your feelings and your needs have value. You have value. What your feeling is not wrong, emotions are information letting you know that something needs attention. You need attention. Finding someone to talk to, (maybe not a friend or family member) might be of help to untangle your thoughts and feelings.

“I wish I could start the past three/four years of my life all over again and re-do all the mistakes I’ve made.”

You have an inner wisdom speaking to you: There is no do over and even if you could start again you would make the same “mistakes”. This inner wisdom knows you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. In hindsight, you have learned better but learning better doesn’t allow one to time travel and do over. We can only take what was learned and apply to the present. But you already know this. The only mistake is not learning from our experiences.

Practice moving your attention from the past, from regret, and focus it on the now where when you learn better you do better. What more can you ask of others or yourself. Trust your intuition. You have inner resources just waiting to be discovered and that will amaze you.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Peter.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Peter.

When I notice myself feeling anxious I stop what I’m doing and take moment and remind myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories/past, I am not my emotions. I am the observer of thoughts, memories and emotions.  In this way space is created to take a breath and change perspective to what is happening around me allowing the experience to flow.  That statement is also the mantra I use when I start a specific time of meditation. (Eventually the practice of meditation isn’t something a person does only during a specific time a day but a practice of every moment)

Another mediation visualization I do is imagining myself as a wheel with spokes. I notice that as the wheal turns there is a difference perspective of time depending where my awareness is directed.  When directed at the end of a specific spoke the wheel contacting the ground for a moment (present) and then going around… From this perspective, the world rushing by can be intimidating as my attention is constantly moving between what is coming and then what is past. I then draw my attention down the spoke to the center of the hub. From this perspective, the center of the hub spins so quickly that it remains still. The still point. From this point the past, present, future occur at the same time and no longer intimidating.  I look out from the still point and see the world as it is and say yes. I practice directing my attention up and down the spokes and rest at the still point

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.” – TS Eliot

I also like the Zen practice of entering into an activity like archery or dance where the focus isn’t only on the outcome but allowing the experience to teach us. As you train your new puppy (congratulations) enter into the experience and allow it to teach you. One thing I noticed about dogs is that they react to the energy of the owner more then they do with words and commands. This is a perfect place to practice being calm and intentional as you train your puppy and then maybe practice the same techniques with yourself. Practice showing yourself the same patients and love that you show your puppy and remember to have fun with it.  The puppy will love you without judgment can you learn to love yourself with out judgment?

One of the purpose of relationships is to create the space where we get to deal with our past hurts so that we can become. Your ahead of the game as you recognized that you will bring this into whatever relationship you’re in until you learned what you need to learn/heal.  As you are aware of this I have no doubt that you will end the cycle.  I found the book by David Ricco ‘How to be a Adult in Relationships’ very helpful as I had unrealistic expectations about relationship – impacted by past hurts that need to be healed.

You have to stop doing this to yourself. You have to break all contact and remove all reminders. Cold Turkey. There is no other way. If you continue to play the game you are choosing to lose.

If choosing to play the game is a authentic choice live it authentically without judgment or complaint you will soon learn what you need to learn from it and move forward. Its the wanting to stop but not wanting to stop that is keeping you stuck

You may also find the books and audio lectures by Clarissa Pinkola Estes helpful.
Her telling of the ‘Ugly duckling’ story has a great deal of insight into the problem you face of finding your home/tribe.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door. Open the door of your pain and walk through.”

“All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you lie still, sit still, it will find you. It has been waiting for you a long time.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

A Blessing
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening. – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Peter.

There are many levels to intelligence and emotional/self intelligence may be the most difficult to obtain and transform into wisdom especially when it comes to this thing we call Love

Choosing not to risk again does not make you unlovable. Its just a choice. There is a time for all things even a time to step back from relationships. Is it possible this choice of not letting anyone close enough to see your authentic self is causing as much pain as you feel when you close the door to its possibility. If so a step toward healing may be accepting that choice, for now, as a choice. No need for a facade, frustration or burning bridges, just time to create space to rediscover yourself.

I’m not sure why keeping up the facade is tied to the choice to keep others at a distance to protect yourself and I wonder what you might experience if you let all this thinking of facades go and just be you. You have nothing to lose if you are truly unlovable.

Its sounds to me anyway like you function like most normal people – as its normal is being insecure at times and put up facades. Normal to feel unlovable when things don’t go has w hoped. I hope you find a way to create some space to love yourself.