I’m tired of passively sitting by waiting for something to happen. I want to go out there and *make* it happen

Hi Alia

I definitely relate. Loosing a job can really do a number on our sense of self. I’ve heard that most people can expect to have three or more such transitions in a life time. I’m on my fourth as it concerns work only one of which I initiated.

Reading your post the above line caught my eye. There is a art to “passively wait” that is very active. In the practice of zazen one sits, seemingly doing nothing, while observing ones flow of thoughts. The intention is not to have no thoughts but avoiding attaching to the thoughts and in this why allow them to flow.

When we point  our consciousness at a thought, memory, fear… and attach to it we crate a continuous line of associated thoughts, memories, fear usually leading down the rabbit hole, anxiety, depression…  As we learn not to attach our consciousness/focus to our thoughts and allow them to flow our mind “quiets” allowing us to see more clearly.  This Zen, doing by not doing, requires eyes wide open and engaging in life as it shows up.

Intuitively you know what you need to do. To get out there and “make” something happen. In other words engage in life as it shows up while at the same time “sitting” without attaching focus to your thoughts, fears…. in this way you will be better able to respond spontaneously to what shows up and in this way your path will become clear.

How do I stop blaming myself for not being more successful

Take time to detach yourself from the need to measure being successful and judging yourself.  Its likely your definition of success hasn’t been fully made conscious and as a result is some general idea you will never live up to.

If you have goals work toward them. If you struggle adjust. As long as your learning and engaged in life your successful. This ‘blaming’ will only help you if your doing it to learn how you might do/be better other wise its just a excuse to keep you stuck

how do I define myself without what I am and my possessions?

You are not the shirt you put on, you are not your pants, socks, underwear… There are many reasons that you dress yourself in the mourning. Perhaps you notice that its cold outside so you put on a coat. The coat serves a purpose but you are not the coat, you are not the cold either.

Language is tricky. when we speak of experiences we differentiate experiences using words like, me, mine, our, I…. We forget that words are symbols that point towards the experiences. I see a tree,  the word tree is not a tree. What am I look at now, the word tree or tree in the window? What is the difference? The word I is not ‘I’

If there is no “I” in this universe, what can i call my own,what do I hold to be grateful of?

Life, you are grateful of life… As it is! the darkness and the light.

Sorry I was abrupt and didn’t have time to address the questions. To be candied I think most people have a bad relationship to the words like Purpose, meaning, happiness, forgiveness… even love.  We think we know what these things are and that they can be measured, touched, held, grasped… Because of this for many people words like purpose, meaning end up creating dissatisfaction with Life and more often then not when we name this something purpose and measure it we lose it.

I like what Campbel has to say on the matter of purpose

“We’re so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about.” ― Joseph Campbel

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life (what is my purpose) . I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” ― Joseph Campbell

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning (purpose) and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell

You are already the answer! everything you do or don’t do is purpose and meaning

Your concerns and feelings are valid and you (and your family ) need to respect that.

You’re in a difficult situation which will require honest conversations. Unfortunately, as you noted a few times you don’t feel safe having those conversations. Some of the necessary steps in engaging in a Crucial Conversations (recommend that book) is to be honest with your self and your needs. That requires a lot of skill so my recommendation is to find a therapist or some such person that can help you and your family address these issues.

A 7-step primer on managing crucial conversations (Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High’ by Kerry Patterson)

1. Start with heart. Ask yourself what you really want and what’s at stake.

2. Learn to look. Always be asking yourself whether the conversation is defensive or a dialogue. If you or the other party strays into defensiveness, simply say “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue” or “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you.”

3. Make it safe. Another way to deal with defensiveness in difficult conversations is to create a comfortable situation by apologizing, asking a question that shows interest in others’ views or even taking a time out.

4. Master your story. Focus on what happened that made you feel a certain way. Think through your emotions and then choose the appropriate way to respond.

5. State your path. Share your facts and conclusions so that the other party can see where you are coming from.

6. Explore others’ paths. Find out what the other person is thinking. Make sure that you understand each other and look for areas of agreement.

7. Move to action. Come to a consensus about what will happen. Document who will do what by when and settle on a way to follow up.

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair. ― Mitch Albom

Do everything right, do everything wrong, regardless which, some children will thrive and some falter.

One of the tasks of individuation is coming to terms with the mother/father complex.  It is true indeed that our relationship to our parents tends to be complex. Anyway, as we become adults we must learn to nurture and discipline ourselves, essentially become our own ‘mother’ and ‘father’. This tend to happen by detaching the mother and father archetypes from our parents. And we do this by recognizing our parents as individuals with their own needs, fears, hopes, failings…  By learning to relate to our parents as people and not *only* as mother and father (just as we are not *only* son/daughter) we open the way to reconnect to the archetype/energy of mother/father within ourselves.

Hi Nichole:

Sorry for your loss and that you experience with your mother was so complicated. Its understandable that your having issues coming to terms with all the emotions and contradictions of the relationship. (Role reversals and the like)

When it comes our relationship to our mothers and fathers its indeed complex. Jung felt that one of the tasks of individuation and becoming an adult is to come to terms with the Mother/Father Complex. Often this is forced on us when we lose a parent.

The task is to take ownership of our ability to nurture and protect ourselves – in a symbolic way become our own mother and father. The difficulty is that our ability to nurture and protect ourselves has been greatly influenced by our relationship to our mother and father and sometimes we can’t separate the experience from our own abilities nurture and protect ourselves.

We take ownership by becoming conscious of our experience of our mother and our inner mother – Symbolically if we may have to overcome the ‘evil step mother’ the problem of overcoming the negative self judgment and internal dialog we might have. But even the To Good Mother must be dealt with as in this case we may have to over come a tendency to be overly trusting, naïve or the expectation that others will always nurture and take care of us.

The book ‘The Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed is a good example of coming to terms with the mother complex. Cheryl life spirals out of control when her to good mother (her idealization of her mother) died. With the loss of her mother Cheryl loss the ability to nurture herself in a positive way. It was only after Cheryl was able to see her mother as an individual, the good the bad and the ugly and not only “Mother” that she was able to connect to the positive inner mother and begin to be able to nurture herself.

Don’t be to hard on yourself as you work you way through this experience.