Hi Belle

I know that for my sake (more than his), that I have to forgive, forget and move on. But my rage boils over sometimes

Forgiveness is an art that most of us practice badly. Most people feel that when they forgive they are also giving up on asking for accountability from the person that hurt then and so they must forget as in never remember the event of being hurt. If you think about it, such a perspective likely creates resentments and anger.

Forgiveness does not remove accountability. You can forgive someone and hold them accountable. By forgiving in this way, forgetting is a decision not to dwell. You become mindful when you are dwelling on the past hurt and taking a breath to let it go.  Let it go is not in pretending the hurt didn’t happen but realizing that when you dwell on the hurt it only intensifies. The practice of ‘forgetting’ is to notice and allow the experience to flow vice damming it up. Other attributes to forgiveness are to forbear and forgo. We forbear as in we sit with what we are feeling, a time to feel what you feel without reaction or responding to it. When we forgive we also forgo desires of getting even and revenge. Revenge and getting even are not the same of holding those that hurt us accountable. We hold them accountable from a place of love. If I give you my key and you steal from me taking back the key is not done from a place of anger but accountability and love.

I suspect your right that much of your anger is coming from a place with the feeling of a loss of personal power and control.   If such is the case the practice of mindfulness might.

“But I still love him”

I suspect your learning that love does not mean that relationship will thrive or last. That you can love someone even as you end a relationship. Perhaps even that Love requires that a relationship end.

Responsibility, accountability, discipline, meaning, growth… are all attributes of the experience of love.  Love requires that we hold those we are in relationship with accountable and sometimes that means the relationship must end. Ending not because you do not love but because you do love. Love continues even if a relationship does not.

Hi Greenshade

I like what L.B. Smedes said about shame

If you persistently feel you don’t measure up, you are feeling shame—that vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and diminishes our joy…. Most shame we experience and take on is undeserved.

“Shame is heavy; grace is light. Shame and grace are the two counterforces in the human spirit: shame depresses; grace lifts. Shame is like gravity, a psychic force that pulls us down. Grace is like levitation, a spiritual force that defies gravity. If our spiritual experience does not lighten our life, we are not experiencing grace. . . .

“The lightness of grace does not lift all the sandbags that drag the spirit down. It lightens life by removing one very dead weight in particular—the weight of anxiety about being an unacceptable person. Grace gives us courage to track down the sources of unhealthy shame, see it for the undeserved pain it is, and take steps to purge our lives of it completely. It sets loose the lightest feeling of life; being accepted; totally, unreservedly accepted. . . .

“I believe that the only self I need to measure up to is the self my Maker meant me to be.

“I believe that I am accepted by the grace without regard to my deserving.

“I believe that I am accepted along with my shadows and the mix of good and bad I breed in them.

“I believe that I am worthy to be accepted.

“I believe that grace has set me free to accept myself totally, and without conditions, though I do not approve of everything I accept.

“I believe that nothing I deserve to be ashamed of will ever make me unacceptable.

“I believe that I can forgive anyone who has ever infected me with shame I do not deserve.

“I believe that I may forgive myself for anything that I have ever done to shame myself or another person.

“I am gratefully proud of being who I am and what I shall be.

“I believe that the grace heals the shame I do not deserve and heals the shame I do.

Hi coconut
Read this mornings feature article and thought you might find it helpful.

I hope you find a way not to be so hard on yourself

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/you-dont-suck-at-life-how-to-stop-believing-your-inner-bully/

Hi Coconut (great handle)

Like you I’m a great story teller. My mind just won’t quite down at times and most of the stories I tell myself are negative. end result low self esteem  = social awkward.  The advice I was most commonly given was to stop telling myself negative stories and only tell positive ones. As I never fully believe the positive stories I was spinning it didn’t work.  It actually made things worse.

What did work was when I noticing when I was telling myself a story and just stop telling it without filling the gap with other stories or the like. No labeling, no judgments, no excuses, no incrimination, no ‘positive thinking… When I couldn’t stop the story I acknowledged that and moved on.

You may also find Viktor Frankl’s work helpfull

1. Dereflection: Dereflection is aimed at helping someone focus away from themselves and toward other people so that they can become whole and spend less time being self-absorbed about a problem or how to reach a goal.
2. Paradoxical intention: Paradoxical intention is a technique that has the patient wish for the thing that is feared most. This was suggested for use in the case of anxiety or phobias, in which humor and ridicule can be used when fear is paralyzing. For example, a person with a fear of looking foolish might be encouraged to try to look foolish on purpose. Paradoxically, the fear would be removed when the intention involved the thing that was feared most.
3. Socratic dialogue: Socratic dialogue would be used in logotherapy as a tool to help a patient through the process of self-discovery through his or her own words. In this way, the therapist would point out patterns of words and help the client to see the meaning in them. This process is believed to help the client realize an answer that is waiting to be discovered.

“The greatest challenge in life is to be our own person and accept that being different is a blessing and not a curse. A person who knows who they are lives a simple life by eliminating from their orbit anything that does not align with his or her overriding purpose and values. A person must be selective with their time and energy because both elements of life are limited.”  ― Kilroy J. Oldster

A  necessary ingredient to the simple life is “to know thyself” which just based on the majorly of posts on this site, not so simple.

A good place to start then might be to remove from your life any material objects that you don’t need. Each object you dispose of or keep will tell you much about yourself and what a simple life might mean to you.

The second step may be determining what you want with regards to relationships. Some might argue that the more people you relate to the more complex your life will be. Open yourself to love and you open yourself to being hurt… which begs the question if the desire for a simple life is really a wish for a life without pain? If so what your looking for is not Life, simple or otherwise, as pain is an integral part of life. (without pain we rot)

Life as it is, is complex in its simplicity. Even so the experience of life is something other so no two experiences the same. The simple life for one person may be living in a tent for another a house.

Hi Kat

The situation your in sounds very frustrating. For many reasons communication between family can become difficult as so much of the past and sense of self can be involved (for everyone) Mark and Anita might help you with that.

With regards to “other people can multitask but I feel like I just can’t”  the idea of multitasking isn’t real.  Ego consciousness is linear so no one multitasks. The best we might do is divide our focus on a number of tasks before us however this remains doing one thing a time. We can divide our force in shorter and shorter periods of time so it might appear that we are doing multiple tasks at the same time but that is a illusion. Study have shown that most people don’t handle splinting their focus over multiple tasks that well.

You might be much happier if you can forget this notion of feeling like you should be able to multitask. Focus on the present, what you need to work on now and the rest will follow

Hi Christina

The universe if giving you a challenge as it sounds like the perfect place to practice doing something you love without attaching to how you view others are looking and judging you.  Not easy but can you imagine what it might feel like not to allow others to influence how you feel about what your doing! To dance as if no one is watching. Master that and there would be no limits to what you might achieve.