Dear Ben,

I am sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much. Would you like to share some more? What caused your PTSD, since when have you been suffering from it, or anything else you may want to share? Is there something happening in your life at the moment that makes you feel overwhelmed (It’s an infection which has spread into every minute of every day) and not being yourself any more?

Dear miyoid,

happy birthday! Although you’re not feeling too happy at the moment, I know…

I am sorry about your sister – she had a tough time too. You say she’s stronger, maybe in the sense that she left home early and never came back. I guess she became independent from the family earlier? However, you said earlier that she has troubles in her relationships:

She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. … She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships.

It appears she too fears abandonment, but in spite of that, she gets abandoned often and ends up alone.

Regarding your mother, don’t expect that she’d change. It appears she’s getting more and more obsessed with cats and even willing to sacrifice her marriage for that. You’ve noticed it well – it’s her coping mechanism, to distract herself from pain (and from the need to change).

I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

Your mother has never given you emotional support, miyoid. She might talk with you and listen to you, but she usually minimizes your problems. But I understand that you now worry what might happen if you’ll have to take care of her. Till now, you didn’t have to take care of her much – either emotionally or physically, did you? Now there’s a threat that she might need your help.

I believe what you can provide is support in terms of helping her find a place to stay – so concrete, physical actions. But don’t try to provide emotional support, because she’s not really open to it and it would only drain you further. I don’t know if she complains to you or pities herself? But try to separate yourself emotionally from her.

I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms.

I know you wish she’d change, but unfortunately it’s not in your domain. Only she can decide that, and right now, it appears she isn’t willing to change. So your possibility to help her is limited. I think you definitely cannot help her emotionally, but as I said, maybe you can offer physical, material help, but also respect your boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can bear, e.g. don’t allow her to move in with you with her 8 cats. Have compassion for her, but also protect your boundaries.

I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.

When you say it like this, it sounds like those people tried to love you, but they quit because of you. As if you were unlovable. You know that’s not true – your mother “quit” because she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs. You said she abandoned you both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t your fault, but her inability to meet your needs as a child.

I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her.

You obviously spent a lot of time alone, your mother was working till late in the evening, and you were happy to find someone to chat with online, because she was not really available. When she was available physically, she wasn’t available emotionally. She wasn’t there for you. Then your mother met her second husband. And probably she was even less available? Maybe at that time her second husband became her priority, like now her cats are? You were never her priority.

I know it’s painful, miyoid. But if you believe it’s your fault, you’ll sink into helplessness and self-pity, like you tend to do now. None of it was your fault! You deserved to be cared for, and your mother neglected you. Try to say this to yourself out loud: “I deserved it! And I didn’t get it!” See if you can feel the power of speaking those words. See if it fills you with anger. Because it should. Instead of sinking into helplessness and blaming yourself, allow some anger into your system, which will give you the power to stand up for yourself.

Let me know what you think about it, and how it felt if you tried speaking it out loud (to yourself, privately, not in front of your mother or anyone else).

Dear Jack,

that was a nice touch, and a very romantic gesture, specially nowadays in the era of electronic communication… I can imagine she was so happy and touched about it!

Yeah, and that’s why I don’t think there’s any need to be texting all day and everyday.

Definitely no need to text all the time, however if she’d like to hear from you at least once per day, I think you should humor her. She told you she’s anxious, so perhaps it would upset her if she doesn’t hear from you for an entire day?

Dear DaveF,

you’re very welcome. I am happy to hear that you’ve managed to talk more calmly with your girlfriend and are considering the option to live apart for a while. Also, that you have stronger and stronger feelings that you want to trust yourself and believe you can do it, even if it’s going to be hard. That’s a great attitude, and it shows you do have a certain strength and don’t believe you’re completely helpless and stuck.

I feel so sorry for my partner and my feelings make it hard to hold back the tears most days.

It seems there’s a part of you that feels guilty for asserting yourself and having your needs met, and it could be coming from the little boy who didn’t want to burden his mother with his needs, when she was struggling alone, being a single mother?

I am so scared that if I do take action, I would feel so lonely and regretful,

This sounds like another part of you, who’s afraid of being abandoned. And it could be because one parent (your father) had already abandoned you, so there’s a threat of that always looming…

You are right that I believe those things that she said to me, that I “won’t find someone who loves me like that” or that “I won’t be able to manage on my own”. But I have stronger and stronger feelings that I want to trust myself, and understand that it will be hard but I need to do this for me, and believe in myself.

It’s great that you’re aware of those voices within you, but also, that your confidence is growing and that you feel a strong need to stand up for yourself, to assert yourself.

Regarding your friends, I understand you’re hurt by their rejection. I don’t know whether there are objective reasons why they can’t take you in (e.g. if they have a family, or a partner who’d feel uncomfortable with another man living in the same apartment for 6 weeks), or it’s rather them not wanting to be disturbed for selfish reasons. You may want to re-evaluate your friendship with them, if you feel they’re really selfish and could have helped you if they wanted to…

What’s good in the whole story is that you’ll be soon moving to your own flat, which is fantastic, and only need to find a temporary accommodation. Do you have an idea how to bring that about?

Please free to express whatever it’s on your mind and heart, you’re not “ranting” at all, you’re expressing yourself very coherently and with a lot of self-awareness. I am happy to read from you.

Dear lk09,

I’d like to congratulate you on your paper having been accepted at a reputable journal and soon to be published! It’s also very good to hear that you’re looking for PhD programs either abroad or in India. I wish you to find a really good option, one that you like and that motivates you.

If you go to study abroad, would it give you respite from your parents’ plans to find you a husband? Because it could be an additional benefit 🙂

I hope your job situation improves soon – either in your current company, or somewhere else, where you’ll have a better opportunity for growth. Perhaps it can help you to think the situation (being underpaid and overworked) is temporary, and it will be resolved in the next few months…

I want to have a happy life now on, life will always have challenges but I don’t want to be stressed about everything all the time. Some dept. should be peaceful, shouldn’t it?

Right, you were stressed a lot in your previous relationship, you were trying to save him, and it never works. If one side is trying too much and the other is unwilling, it doesn’t end well. I hope that next time it will be much more balanced, and the other party be equally willing and invested in the relationship, without carrying too much “baggage”.

It appears you’re feeling good about yourself at the moment, appreciating yourself and not blaming yourself for why it didn’t work out. Am I noticing this right? If so, you’re in a good place, and I am happy for you!

Dear Javier,

Sorry, I’ve noticed only now that you replied to me earlier…

I’m struggling to access my “Inner Child”. There is so much pain and fear(fear to get stuck in my past, fear of finding new incidents). At the moment, I’m confused and disoriented. It feels like one step ahead and two steps behind.  .. My mind is on overdrive, I have had several major breakdowns today, and have been crying continuously.

The more I write, the more depressed I get. I feel guilt, shame, and regret.

I thought this might happen. That’s why please stop writing those letters while you’re stuck in guilt, because you’ll only feel worse. Those letters make sense only if you would get to the point of developing a positive, compassionate inner voice (a voice who would have compassion for your inner child). Right now, you’re only hearing the inner critic, who is accusing you left and  right.

You can pray to Virgin Mary to be that voice for you – to be that compassionate, loving parent. I once had a meditation with her, and in my mind, she leaned over my crib and soothed me. At that time I still hadn’t developed self-compassion and self-love, so I needed to get it from the outside. And I got it, it was a very profound healing experience.

The song that I shared, Ave Maria, sung by Celine Dion, has beautiful lyrics, and perhaps can help you in calling upon the divine mother:

Ave Maria!
Maiden mild!
Oh, listen to a maiden’s prayer
For thou canst hear amid the wild
‘Tis thou, ’tis thou canst save amid, despair.
We slumber safely ’til the morrow
Though we’ve by man outcast reviled
Oh, maiden, see a maiden’s sorrow
Oh, Mother, hear a suppliant child!

Ave Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
Dominus tecum

The murky cavern’s air so heavy
Shall breathe of balm if thou hast smiled
Oh, maiden, hear a maiden pleadin’
Oh, Mother, hear a suppliant child

You can imagine yourself as a suppliant child stretching your arms towards the loving divine mother, pleading her to come to your rescue, to love you and care for you. It worked wonders for me. I hope it might for you too.

I am praying for your healing, Javier.

Dear Javier,

We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities.

I hope cognitive processing therapy helps you. I’ve looked it up and it’s a form of CBT aimed at trauma survivors, including childhood trauma survivors. So it should be fine, although I am a little cautious because you say there’s a lot of talking and reliving of the painful memories, which makes you feel overwhelmed. I still think you’d benefit from somatic therapy, to give you some basic stability and calm down your nervous system (which is in a state of constant excitation – the fire alarm ON all the time).

For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

That’s a good idea to address your inner child. Do you feel you can get in touch with your inner child?

I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

How do you feel after writing those letters? Do you feel some relief, or you feel more guilt? I think it would be important that whatever exercise you do, it doesn’t produce more guilt.