Dear miyoid,

It’s weird that everybody that I’ve cared for or tried to felt safe with has this one common thing. They all triggered my fear of abandonment sooner or later with their behavior.

It’s actually not weird – you’re attracted to people who trigger the fear of abandonment in you, because they remind you of your mother, who was the first person who triggered that fear in you. We’re always attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so we can finally get from them what we didn’t get from our parents. You’re hoping to get a sense of security and commitment – something you didn’t get with your mother.

If your mother wasn’t “committed” to you, if you felt she’d leave you while you’re asleep, it could be the reason that triggers the fear of abandonment. Your boyfriend isn’t committed to you either, he might leave you at any moment, in fact it seems he would like to leave you but worries about your reaction, and that’s why he checks upon you from time to time. Do you perhaps feel that your mother would have liked to leave you, but couldn’t because you were her daughter and she had an obligation towards you? Is such notion somewhere in the back of your mind?

If so, it would explain why you also get depressed and feel unlovable. The child reasons that if our parents don’t really love us and only take care of us because it’s their duty, then we must be unlovable and worthless. It must be our fault. And we live our lives with the notion that we’re unlovable… and it makes us want to disappear.

And from what my mom has told me, I’ve got up, realized that I’ve wet myself and then I’ve got angry with myself and ranted to myself asking over and over “What you’ve done!?”. I don’t remember how my mom treated me during the toilet training. I don’t remember any harsh treatment

Has your mother scolded you for other things (not necessarily related to toilet training) with words like “What have you done?!” Because it sounds like something you would hear from an adult and then repeat it to yourself when you feel you did something wrong.

And I was left alone with my unwanted hair.

It seems you felt abandoned in that matter too by your mother, even though your mother did it because she had a bad experience with your sister and didn’t want to force you to go through the same torture. You were envious of the girls who had their mother’s help during their teen years. In this instance, your mother doesn’t seem to have treated you badly, since she didn’t want to put you through unnecessary stress (waxing the armpits and the bikini zone is much more painful than shaving!). However, you still felt abandoned by her, and that’s probably because the abandonment happened much earlier, when you were a baby.

One of the reasons could be that she didn’t spend enough quality, bonding time with you as a baby. Perhaps she was always in a rush when feeding you, she didn’t play peek-a-boo with you, she didn’t have time for a bedtime story, or was in rush to read you one… all in all, that the emotional bonding didn’t really take place as it should have, and you felt rejected and abandoned by her. Do you think this might be the case?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

I woke up now, after 1hour of sleep, gasping for air. Experienced rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweating. I’m in full panic mode, and I’m afraid I’m going to die.

it seems like a panic attack, and I believe the first thing to do would be to calm down your nervous system. I myself haven’t experienced panic attacks, but some members here have, and they’ve given very good advice on how to calm yourself down when you’re experiencing a panic attack. I don’t know if I can post a link to that thread, because last time I posted a link it took almost a day until the post was approved. But you can find it under the “Relationship Paranoia, Anxiety Overall” thread, page 2 (the thread was started on April 26, 2021).

I just realized I will not leave any legacy or leave a mark on this world that will have meant something when I’m long gone. That means, that when I die, I’ll be gone and forgotten.

I too had such thoughts in the past. I thought my life was in vain and that I was a failure. I felt worthless and unimportant. Like, it doesn’t matter if I live or die, it would be all the same. My life made no difference. After some digging, I’ve discovered it has to do with my lack of self-esteem and self-worth. Subconsciously, I didn’t feel important or special to my parents (and a part of it might have been because they left me at my granny’s when I was 1.5 years old and left me there for almost a year).

So I felt unimportant but wasn’t aware of it. As an adult, I felt like I needed to make some big contribution to the world. It made me fight for some “big causes” that later turned out to be a lie, after which I felt humiliated and like I should forever shut up. My self-worth was at the rock bottom.

I believe that your fear that you won’t have any legacy or leave a mark stems from the same feeling of lack of self-worth. On some level, you don’t feel important to your parents, specially to your mother, I guess. This feeling might have formed very early in your childhood. Do you have an idea what might have caused it? One reason could be e.g. that your mother stayed for so long with your father and didn’t protect you from his abuse. Or it can be something less obvious.

You did feel important while you were a lead engineer at a cruse ship, you said you even felt loved then. But if there’s a deeper sense of lack of self-worth, then even external recognition and praise cannot convince us that we’re really worthy. A part of us never really believes it, and we constantly seek validation and eventually experience rejection.

Try to look at your current situation as a wake-up call to start living in accordance with your authentic self. It’s rough at the moment, with lots of turbulence, but try to think of it a re-shuffling phase, after which you’ll be a better, more authentic, more self-confident person. You need to get through the storm to emerge renewed on the other side.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

You started this thread expressing disappointment in yourself how bad of a son you are and how little love and attention you gave to your mother over the years. Then Anita remarked that your blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappy life might be misplaced: “redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around.”

You agreed with that, saying: You are most probably right. My mother still lives in the apartment I grew up in. Hence, so many memories and flashbacks. At the moment, I’m unfortunately stuck here. I have to work on shifting my perspective toward self-acceptance, with all my flaws and bad habits.

Here’s my take on what’s going on: A part of you agrees that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappiness, and that you are the one who suffered too. Perhaps this part even resents your mother for not doing enough to leave the situation and protect you, your siblings and herself from your father? This part wants to emotionally separate from your mother and be an independent person, with your own needs and desires.

However, another part of you is terrified of that separation, because it believes you wouldn’t survive without your mother. You as a child were completely dependent on your mother, had no one else to count on for your survival (your father being a bully, you grandparents having passed away before you were born). So in the eyes of that little child, if you “separate” from your mother, it means death for you.

I’m really afraid my mother will be forgotten when she dies. Nobody will remember her, and it will be like she never existed. It frightens me, because, it will be like I never existed.

On one level, you’re afraid she’d die, because you – being dependent on her for your survival – would be endangered too. But what I believe is also going on is that one part of you wants to “forget” her, to live your life independently and free from her pain. That’s a part of you that wants to separate from her. It’s an older part of you.

But a younger part of you doesn’t want you to “forget” her because you believe you need her for your survival. This younger part doesn’t allow the older part to emotionally separate from your mother, and that’s why you started having these intrusive thoughts about your mother being “forgotten.” It’s like a battle between your older and your younger self.

Anyway, that’s my take on it. Do you think this might be what’s going on?

Dear miyoid,

it’s interesting what you’ve described about your sleeping habits as a teenager – you’d often stay up till the middle of the night, working on the computer, having fun, and then your mother would suddenly wake up, burst into your room and scold you for staying up so late.

It’s kind of a reverse of what was happening when you were a baby – your mother would put you to sleep and leave, and then you’d wake up soon after and went looking for her. This tells me that as a baby or a young child, you didn’t have a deep, peaceful sleep, and it’s maybe because your mother was in a rush and didn’t want to spend too much time putting you to sleep, just wanted to get over with. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons you felt rejected? Because of that, maybe you were afraid that she’d abandon you? You couldn’t sleep peacefully, deeply, but were anxious, and this contributed to your waking up soon after she’d put you to sleep?

If so, going to sleep for you might have caused anxiety and fear that your mother would abandon you. Perhaps that’s why when you were older, you’d rather stay up late, so you don’t have to experience your mother “abandoning” you. You felt safe when your mother was sleeping in the next room – that’s when you could relax, feel good, be creative, and enjoy.

Now you say something similar about your boyfriend: when he’s there with you, you feel safe, and when you feel safe, “I feel like I can make everything work.” When he’s not there, you feel like “wanting to disappear”. As Anita said, it’s probably related to your mother who rejected you on some level (e.g. didn’t enjoy time spent with you), which you made you feel undesirable and not wanting to live.

When you were a teenager and your mother came to your room in the middle of the night, upset that you’re up so late, it was, as you say, a normal parental reaction. She was rightfully worried and upset, there was nothing controlling or abusive in her reaction. But this entire habit of yours of staying up late might have been caused by the early sense of abandonment that you felt when she would put you to sleep in a rush, not spending enough time with you, and not appearing like she’s enjoying the time spent with you.

Do you think this might be true and relevant for your separation anxiety?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

I’ve stopped commenting after a while because it was painful to read how much you’re suffering, and yet there was nothing that I (or anyone else here) could say that would help you alleviate your pain at least a little. In the last cycle that I interacted with you, I suggested a website with sustainable companies, because you complained about interviewing with all those soulless corporations. But you haven’t responded to that, and in your next post, you kept complaining about those companies who expect you to be a genius and demand so much from you:

I have 6 interviews in the next 4 work days and I am terrified to bomb every single one of them. I am not bad at what I do, but these companies are looking for geniuses. This is causing so much anxiety. I am feeling like I am literally going to have a breakdown and kill myself.

In spite of their high, impossible demands, and them being profit-oriented soulless corporations, which you despise, you still want to get hired by them:

But yeah, I do have a good plan. I’ll eventually get hired. I’ll eventually get my exams done. I’ll eventually start to feel better. But until then I have to survive somehow.

And now, it seems you’ve decided to do 18-24 months of additional training, so you can finally get hired at a company which you basically despise, and earn “crazy money” which you previously said you don’t care about?

This is how you’re working against yourself and your core values. You believe you have to, that you have no other choice. You believe you live in the “world that is unforgiving, cold, brutal, and much worse.” And so you need to do everything to survive in that brutal world, you need to adapt to it and play by its rules, even if it means you drop dead in the process.

I tried explaining that this whole belief – this whole idea that the world is brutal, cold and harsh – is your perception, and it’s the same how you see your parents: brutal, cold and harsh. If you would work on your childhood wounds, you could change your perception, and would be able to have a very different experience of life.

But you’re completely rejecting this possibility. You refuse to consider that you’re creating your own reality and fighting unnecessary battles.

I’ve realized in the meanwhile that you’re completely identified with one part of your personality, which is called the Protector. According to the Internal Family Systems theory, there are three main parts of our personality: one is the Inner child (which is our hurt and wounded part). Another is the Protector, which seeks to protect the inner child from pain but does it in an unhealthy and unbalanced way. And the third is the Firefighter, which is the part of us that gets addicted and soothes the pain with addiction and all kinds of acting out.

We’ve spoken about the inner child before, and you admitted that your inner child is sad and wants to be loved. But that was it, you quickly went back to your usual litany of how things are horrible but you’re not giving up. This is the Protector speaking – the fighter in you who’ll do anything – even sell your soul to the soulless corporations – just so you wouldn’t have to feel the pain of your wounded inner child. You’d rather choose a career path you despise rather than get in touch with your true self, and do things that would make you happy. This is how strong your fear is of meeting that inner child and feeling his pain.

I believe this Protector is also full of spite, trying to prove to your parents that you can do it, that you’re not weak:

It’s not about the money, it’s about proving to myself that I can, it’s about proving to others that I can

It’s about proving to your parents that you can make it, that you can play by their rules, worshiping the money gods, and win. But in the process lose your soul, and maybe your health too? Is that what you really want?

Dear lk09,

I could not figure out why I felt sad, I think I have a little idea now. I was belittling myself again, unknowingly.

I am glad you recognized the negative thoughts that might be fueling your feeling of sadness.

I feel otherwise light and happy within but there still remains a void

Pay attention if that void shrinks when you tend to the toddler within you, and tell her how lovable and precious she is. If you have an old photo of yours from that early period, perhaps you can put it somewhere where you can see it, and send positive thoughts and feelings to that little girl.

I am glad your parents let you off the hook for now. You’re 5 years younger, so if I were you, I’d insist on getting more time to find the man you love. You can tell them that your sister was given till the age of 32, so you too should be given at least a few more years. Be adamant about it. Till now your sister has always had better treatment and was tolerated much more than you were tolerated. It’s time this changed – demand equal treatment because it’s an issue of great importance to you.

And try to relax, dear lk09, you still have plenty of time in front of you, and you’ve made great progress in understanding yourself and taking care of yourself. You’re doing great. And it’s not your fault that your boyfriend left you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfectly capable of being a great companion. And you deserve someone who can fully appreciate you. That someone will show up, perhaps when you least expect it, but they will show up, for sure. In the meanwhile, it’s important that you think positive thoughts about yourself, that you love yourself, value yourself, and all the rest will follow, just give it time….

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

regarding your health issues, have the symptoms you’ve mentioned (burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain) subsided over the past year, or they’re still bothering you? You say now it feels like chronic pain, and you can only walk for short distances. This can be due to long covid. Apparently simple breathing exercises have helped people with the same symptoms you listed, so you might want to take a look.

The scariest thing is that my inner child is still stuck in the past. I’m tired of living and dwell on the past. … I’m scared that my inner child will never heal.

The inner child can only heal if there’s a loving, compassionate adult to see it, comfort it, give it love and caring attention that you haven’t received as a child. You were living in a mortal fear of your father harming and perhaps even killing your mother. Probably that’s where your fear of losing your mother stems from. You weren’t comforted, and your mother didn’t or couldn’t leave the situation and take you and the kids away from your father’s threats. You had to live in such an environment for many years. Do you remember when you father stopped threatening her? How did the situation resolve?

I believe your inner child would need soothing and comforting above all other things, because fear seems to be your biggest issue. And now, after covid, you’re even more afraid what will happen with you, since your health has deteriorated. This new situation in which you’ve found yourself only exacerbates you old fears and your old sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

You’d need to soothe your inner child, but it might be difficult right now, feeling rather helpless about your health. Right now, you might be completely identified with your inner child, reliving your old fears. If so – if you cannot find a positive, compassionate, protector figure within yourself – you’d need to find such a figure outside of yourself. It can be a therapist, but since you didn’t have a good experience with therapy, you might look for a health coach or someone to help you with your immediate health problems, and in that way, indirectly, soothe your inner child as well. Or if you’re religious, God can fill the role of a loving, compassionate parental figure, who’ll soothe your pain and give you hope.

Do you have an idea how you could soothe your inner child? Does anyone come to mind?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

you’re very welcome, I am glad you feel heard and understood.

As a 7 year old child i found myself a way with that water… i feel that if i dont found that method, maybe i’ll be more screwed up now… and i feel emotional typing this.

It shows you were a resourceful and smart kid. You solved your own problem when the adults, including psychologists, couldn’t for full 4 years. Thanks to that, you can now eat almost anything, as long as you drink water with it. That’s not a small success! In the next phase, you can try techniques such as EMDR and EFT (tapping) because they are supposed to work with these types of traumas. Look it up if there’s a therapist who applies EMDR or an EFT practitioner in your area and inquire if they can treat a problem with swallowing.

Rest assured you’re not the only one in the world with this problem. There are people who can’t swallow either due to physical or psychological issues, and I am sure you could find them online if you’re interested. But you’re definitely not the only one, don’t worry.

I think the problem of me struggling with my height is due to that my mother always force me to have good grades as a child… as she saw i have weakness in eating and i have to be better at something. And since then, i really dont wanna be left behind. And due to short height, i feel like i’m left behind with “people that i should be in front on”.

It appears you felt deficient, and your mother treated you as there were something wrong with you. You felt like a failure because you couldn’t meet her expectations about eating. Maybe she was telling you something like “I am so sad about you not eating, I worry about your future. What will become of you? At least you should study well and have good grades. If you had good grades, I wouldn’t worry so much.”

I imagine she had this aura of disappointment and worry about you (the opposite of eagerness and having faith in you), which can destroy a child’s motivation. A child’s self-confidence. If you’re a disappointment, why bother with anything? Why bother with school, with good grades, when you’ll never be good enough for your mother. That’s how a child is reasoning. Why bother with sports either… and so you become lazy and unmotivated. You become someone you’re not proud of, neither are your parents proud of.

But it’s the result of how you were seen by your mother. It’s the result of her seeing you like a disappointment and a reason to worry. And then you started seeing yourself like a disappointment too, and behaving like a disappointment too.

How did you do in school? And later at the university? Did you have good grades, or not so much? What did you study – is it something relevant for your father’s business? Is there a position in your father’s company that interests you the most? I am asking because you could help and work beside the employee who’s currently filling that position, and learn how to do it well, so you can take it over sometime in the future.

As you’re helping in the company, you may also be noticing what needs improvement, and can suggest ideas for improvement to your father. What I am trying to say is that if you’re interested in continuing your father’s business, you can start thinking about how to improve it, modernize it, expand it, innovate it etc… you could bring your personal stamp and contribution to the business. You might be surprised how resourceful and creative you are – just like that 7-year old kid who saw a bottle of water!

When you stop seeing yourself as a disappointment, but as full of potential – things will start changing for you. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can get rid of the “I am a disappointment” label, and put another one: “I am smart, creative and resourceful – I am full of great ideas”?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.