Hi Murtaza,

thanks for sharing a little bit about your childhood. Your big brother and big sister harassed you when they took away your toy, i.e. stopped you from playing videogames, or watching your favorite TV show whenever they pleased. Children can be cruel like that, so their behavior isn’t that surprising, but what I see as a bigger problem is that your parents didn’t protect you, e.g. they didn’t set some rules of behavior for your older siblings, or some rules about when and under what conditions you can watch TV or play videogames. You were the weaker one and your parents just left you at the mercy of your older siblings. That probably left you feeling like they don’t care about you, and that no one cares about you in general, because that’s the experience you got in your family.

When you started experiencing pain in your stomach during the night, your mother probably didn’t soothe you lovingly, didn’t take you in her arms and caressed you (or did she?), but she just gave you a cloth to warm up your tummy and left, I suppose? After a while she was bothered by you and got impatient, and then you even stopped complaining. This was another experience of not receiving nurturing love and care, which possibly could have left you with feeling unlovable, unworthy of love. Also, you were afraid of dark but were reluctant to tell that to your mother, not to bother her even more.

You had to face fear and anxiety alone and suffer alone, without consolation of a parent. That’s the hardest thing for a child to experience – suffering alone, in silence, with no one there to help him. Feeling in pain, both physically and emotionally, probably feeling unlovable, unworthy, and thinking that no one cares about you. Also feeling helpless, because at that time, as a child, you truly were helpless, unable to stop your stomach pain or your fear and anxiety. This could very easily be the basis for feeling hopeless about life, because what’s life if one has to suffer endlessly and their loved ones don’t care about him.

Later, when your uncle would beat you and your father would allow it, it just reaffirmed your experience from childhood when you were harassed by your older siblings: being harassed and helpless to stop the harassment, and being at the mercy of others, who had the “right” to harass you simply because they were older. It could have given you the idea that the world is cruel and unfair and arbitrary, and you don’t want to take any part in it, because it just causes you suffering.

The girl you liked, Noor, probably showed you more care with that one gesture of putting ice on your foot, than your own mother. You felt that’s true love – someone caring about you and your well-being, and not letting you suffer.

As a child you used you imagine that you were hurt by your loved ones – which is what actually happened: you were hurt by your loved ones. Only in your fantasy they would love you eventually, but in real life, they wouldn’t – they hurt you and they didn’t care too much about your feelings. You didn’t even dare to wake up your mother when your stomach hurt (or when you were thirsty but afraid to go get water in the dark) because you knew she would be disturbed.

This is what I am seeing from what you’ve described: you suffered a lot as a child and no one cared about you (except Noor and perhaps some random people who were nice to you – like that pharmacist recently). You saw glimpses of love and care, but 99% of time love was suffering (because those you loved didn’t love you back) and therefore, love is “too unreal” for you, and you end up apathetic, unwilling to live. Because what’s life without love…

you know im sick and tired of being the blame, no matter how much arguments i provide, no matter how much reasons i give, its always my fault,

It’s not your fault that you didn’t get the love and care you deserved. It’s not your fault that you were harassed. It’s not your fault that you were afraid of the dark, and that your stomach hurt. None of it is your fault. You deserved to be loved and cared for and comforted, you deserved to watch your favorite TV show. Your needs and desires were completely legitimate, but they weren’t taken into consideration, you were trampled over. None of that was your fault. You deserve better.

Hi Dee,

There is one instance that occurred while I was in high school that did leave me feeling a little indifferent and not supported by my mother. I had an appointment with my primary doctor when I was 16, where I expressed to my doctor that I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and would be interested in receiving any kind of help for that. My mother essentially brushed this off when my doctor relayed this information to her, and asked me if I really needed help.

Yeah, this doesn’t sound supportive at all. She dismissed your feelings and asked you if you really need help. I can imagine that you were expected not to need help because “I never really “needed” any emotional support so I don’t think I received it.”

All children need emotional support from their parents. There must be a reason why you thought you don’t need anything?

I don’t know, hard to explain I guess I would say I had a fear of everything for a long time, I was very not open about things that I felt or thought. This has carried into my adulthood but not as severe.

So you had fear and anxiety for a long time, and yet, you believed you don’t need emotional support from your parents. Perhaps you would have needed their help and support, but you thought you shouldn’t bother them because they had enough trouble with your brother? (I saw your discussion with anita on your other thread) If so, it’s not that you didn’t need it, but you suppressed that need. And then when you finally reached out to your doctor at the age of 16, sharing about your anxiety, your mother brushed it off as nothing. She wasn’t open to hearing about your problems, and it probably only confirmed your belief that you should suppress it, that you shouldn’t bother her with it. Do you think this is what might have happened?

And then food could have easily served as comfort, as a distraction from painful feelings that you needed to suppress, and from fear and anxiety too…

Hi Murtaza,

Thank you for replaying teak, i should say that i needed validation to know that im not those things, but i thought about it and validate myself

You’re welcome.

As for the rest, I don’t want to argue or discuss further – you have a cemented opinion, and that’s it. I should say though that if you really had an interest in healing, you would find a way to scramble for at least one session, since you do have your father’s pension and seem to live a fairly pleasant life. It doesn’t seem like money should be such a huge problem for you, and even if it were, you could always get a temporary job to earn enough for the next session. But you don’t want to. And that’s fine, it’s your choice.

True self exists – because I’ve experienced it. It’s our essence. It’s pure love and compassion and willingness to help, and faith and trust and lack of fear. It’s also where our unique gifts and talents are stored. That’s what I was referring to, not your wounded self.

Dear Dee,

I too suffered from an ED (binging and purging mostly) for quite a few years. I’ve come to believe (and experts claim it too) that it’s related to the lack of emotional nurturance that we’ve received from our mother. And so we use food to fill that emotional hole within… You said something interesting:

I always figured after I turned 18 things would get better for me as far as meeting my fitness goals because I would no longer have to eat what my parents provided, or when they expected me to but I was wrong there.

Seems like you had an issue with eating the food that you parents provided, and also to eat when they demanded you to. Could you expand on that a little bit?

Dear Felix,

What do u think of this girl behavior, can u seem to analyzed it? Is she actually an attention seeking girl?

It appears she is seeking attention, frequently posting selfies, asking questions like “do I look like this actress?”, posing in more provocative outfits… Earlier she told you she doesn’t want to seek attention of the opposite sex, since her parents forbid her to be in a relationship, but maybe now that she isn’t going to live with her parents any more, she feels freer and more keen to attract attention.

What’s for sure is that she ‘s changed, and you don’t even like that change, because you liked it when she was modest and now she became coquettish. Maybe she’s not the same person you once knew – or maybe she didn’t show you this coquettish, attention seeking side before.

In any case, I think it would be for your own good to unsubscribe from her instagram, because she’s only provoking anxiety and jealousy in you. You say that when you see those photos, you are hoping for a future with her. But the reality is that she directly told you not to expect anything from her, and she stopped chatting with you. She’s young, is going to soon live away from her parents, and is probably keen to explore life. You cannot make her stop, you cannot change her behavior, you cannot do anything but accept that her path is different than yours.

The only thing you can do is to unsubscribe from her instagram and untangle yourself from her, because she has a bad influence on you. What might help you is to know that she’s different from the girl you knew and liked in the past, and her  current self isn’t even attractive to you – except for the physical looks. But her personality is not attractive to you any more, so try to focus on that and let her go.

Dear Dandan,

it’s good to hear from you again! I am glad you’re doing the body transformation challenge and haven’t given up. I imagine it makes you feel a little better and more positive about yourself?

I understand you weren’t ready last time to look deeper into the psychological stuff. But you might need to, at least a little, to resolve the dilemma about your ex girlfriend. You say: “I still can’t forget her. I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else“.

Considering that you had 2 long-term relationships before her, one of them almost ending in marriage (and it didn’t only because of her parents, not because you didn’t want to get married) – it means quite a lot. I mean, if you wanted to get married to a girl with whom you felt less close than to your ex, then it would make sense to seriously consider your ex for marriage as well. At least that’s how I see it.

You say you weren’t this confused before the pandemic:

I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength.

Your confusion may have to do with the fact that you’re living with your parents. It triggers and amplifies your feeling of insecurity, even hopelessness. Because growing up with a sad and depressed mother, and never really succeeding in making her happy although you tried your best – can lead to a feeling of hopelessness. You may be unconsciously thinking something like: “today things are good and we may laugh (when mom is happy after seeing a good movie), but tomorrow it may all come crashing down and we may lose it again. I may lose it again (when mom is depressed and I cannot console her).”

So, you might have this feeling that happiness is fleeting, and that you will lose it sooner or later – because that’s how you felt while growing up. And now that you’ve been living with your family for l,5 years, the feeling is stronger and you cannot shake if off. You don’t have the mental power to resist it on your own.

Please consider that this might be a problem, and that living with your parents affects you negatively. It affects your thought process too, making you even more insecure, confused and hopeless.

You might want to consider that the fears you had/have about your ex are also magnified by living at your parents’ place. If you want to have more clarity, you’d need to move away from home. I believe you’d need to do that before you start applying for jobs abroad, before making any major decision in life. Because now you’re trapped in this thinking, and even if you get a good offer, you will most probably refuse it, like you did in the past:

I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process.

Yes, your through process is hijacked by your fears and the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness – everything you felt as a little boy. In order to help yourself, you’d need to move away from home – as prerequisite No1. What do you think about it? Do you think it’s feasible?

I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place.  … I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world.

Many love stories are born from “chance” encounters. Why do you think it was a mistake? If you felt more close with her than with anybody else, then it can’t be a mistake – but rather a gift?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Frances,

when did you start suffering from anxiety?

You say you don’t have a life. What kind of life would you like to have? Do you have an idea of your ideal life?

Dear bren,

I am making these changes for myself. I am getting help, I am making changes in my life that I have realized are hindering me and my happiness

That’s great. If you work on yourself and heal your emotional wounds, it will benefit first and foremost you. You’ll be capable of a better and healthier relationship – whether it’s with him or someone else.

but theres still that stupid feeling in my heart that things could come back together.

So a part of you is still hoping, and another part says it’s stupid to hope – probably to protect yourself from hurt.

The definite no would tell me to just give up all hope.

Because if you give up hope, you wouldn’t be hurt, is that right? It’s easier not to hope, than to hope and be rejected….

You said earlier:

I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference.

I want to show him… how I’ve changed, how I’ve grown? It’s like you want him to be proud of you. You said you don’t even care that he’s seeing someone new:

For some reason I don’t care that he started to see someone new, I feel fully focused on just us, even though there is no “us”.

What if this situation with him reminds you of a dynamic between you and one of your parents, whom you wanted to impress and make him/her proud of you?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Tee.