Dear Lisa,

you’re very welcome. I hope the resources on CPTSD will be of help to you. I also hope you can claim your space under the sun, rather than “live my life as a server and observer, not thinking I am here to live”. Because you totally deserve to live your life and thrive, even if the people around you and the circumstances you were born into tell you differently!

Wishing you all the best, and post if you have any questions regarding CPTSD or anything at all.

P.S. True, anita is no longer on the forums, which is very unfortunate. I hope she will return some day, soon enough.

Dear Lisa,

there is another great and completely free resource on CPTSD, which I forgot to mention yesterday, and it is the Crappy Childhood Fairy youtube channel. If you are interested, you can start with this video: Complex CPTSD explained. She explains why we get CPTSD, what are the typical symptoms, and she has plenty of advice on her channel about what to do to help ourselves.

You mentioned a while ago that you suffer from hormonal problems. I don’t know if you’ve received treatment for it, but even that can be a symptom of CPTSD.

Anyway, I hope this information is helpful to you and can give you some relief, and perhaps some hope as to how to proceed.

Dear Lisa,

I haven’t been on the forums when you first started writing, but got some understanding of your story by reading anita’s summary earlier on this thread. I am sorry you’ve been through all that trauma and that it is still affecting you, making you live in the survival mode.

I will never be successful if the people around me do not want to see success.

It seems you’re hoping that people would help you, but the kind of people you’re expecting help from aren’t really good and safe people? Perhaps you need to stop hoping to get anything from them, and start believing that you can make it without them? And instead of them, surround yourself with good, supportive people? Which are out there, no doubt about that.

You have been through a lot as a child and experienced more than one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). That’s why you are probably suffering from Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), like many children who have been emotionally abused or neglected (I suffered from it too).

I was thinking if perhaps you would benefit from support programs offered at places such as the CPTSD Foundation (cptsd foundation dot org), where there are programs like Daily recovery support calls, Daily encouraging mails, Healing book club etc – all for survivors of childhood trauma. There is a small fee to pay for those programs, but maybe you can browse through the website, read some articles and see if you want to learn more about C-PTSD and recovery.

Of course, there are numerous other resources on the net about C-PTSD. Let me know if it is something that interests you, and I can give you some more pointers…

Hola SereneWolf,

I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…

Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?

You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?

She seems quite sensitive.

For me I’m not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just don’t get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know

[Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?] — Yes kinda like that.

So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?

Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…

But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…

Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.

Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…

Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.

Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…

Hmm and those are?

Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet 🙂

Dear A,

you’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started physiotherapy – hope you’ll recover fully and there won’t be a need for surgery.

Happy to hear you’re thinking a little more positively, including how you can improve your life. Since you must rest a lot, reading motivational materials, like Roberta suggested, can be super helpful.

Also, know that you have it in you – to make your life better. You’ve got what it takes. Maybe you’ll need some help in form of therapy to heal those past wounds, so you can have a fresh start. But never forget that you’ve got what it takes!

I wish you speedy recovery with you knee, and slow but steady improvement in the rest of your life! Let us know how things are going…

Hi John,

I can’t rule out the possibility that this could be the start of another “on again” phase. … Even if it happened, I know it would go nowhere as I have never been able to deal with the other side of my life.

You want her to return to being your lover, although you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. I understand that you feel miserable and lonely without her. However, please have understanding for her too. Think of her needs – because she told you clearly that it’s not good for her to be in the role of your lover and wait for you to decide for years on end.

She had a very hard time freeing herself from this unhealthy situation, and she finally succeeded 4 years ago. She now realizes that meeting you won’t do her any good (she thinks it will be a bad idea for both of us), but unfortunately, she is too weak to resist.

I don’t think it’s fair to drag her into this again, specially since you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. Just try to look at it from her perspective, and how painful it is for her.

Dear Caroline,

I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

great! Are you still managing not to think about it too much?

It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money.

Yeah, and this standard of living involved drugs, expensive vacations and suchlike. It’s not that she was starving from hunger and you didn’t offer her a meal… It was a completely different situation. So don’t blame yourself for not agreeing to be her sponsor…

I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

Yes, you had a better start, and maybe she was jealous in a way. Maybe she was thinking “it’s easy for her.” But she was also resentful and angry that you don’t want to or can’t be her sponsor. And I think that’s why she was telling you those offensive things and putting you down. I think it was a revenge for not giving her what she wanted: money/the lifestyle she wanted.

Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

Yeah, I could kind of imagine what she was feeling, because you said she told you she was falling in love with you, but also that she didn’t like that feeling. She was also telling you how lacking and inadequate you were. So she had been distancing herself from you emotionally for a while, I guess since she’d realized that you won’t/can’t be her sponsor, and that, to put it bluntly, she has no use of you.

I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs. Or just an excuse…

Yeah that’s interesting that she didn’t blame you for the actual cheating, but did for an invented one. But perhaps it’s not so surprising if for her, the most important feature in a partner wasn’t faithfulness but the ability to provide. I guess if you were rich and willing to be her sponsor, she wouldn’t have been so upset about your cheating (she too was cheating, most probably). But like this, the most important feature was missing, so she needed an excuse to break up.

She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this… She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

Yes, that’s the key – she didn’t really appreciate you. In her eyes you were “inadequate”, because she was looking at you mostly through the money lens. Okay, she liked your looks. But other than that, it doesn’t seem she appreciated you very much. So if you ask me, her interest in you came mostly from a superficial place, it wasn’t true love…

I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.

You are very welcome, Caroline. I am happy I could help, and that you found some peace and closure…

Dear Katrine,

Thank you. It’s a huge relief that it’s getting easier.

you’re welcome. I am happy for you and the progress you’ve made!

Oh sorry it’s the same girl (green eyes brown hair, same looks like me and his x girlfriend ) just me not articulating properly.

Oh I see… didn’t know that you too are brunette, so that’s what got me confused…

My guy was certain that he liked me, but he doesn’t seem jealous really just didn’t like when I said that it hurt seeing them together (before he told me he liked me)

No wonder he didn’t like it..  because it told him you still have feelings for the guy. And that’s why he was probably hesitating to kiss you, once you started getting close to each other.

I didn’t have the best respond to him when he asked about my thoughts about us dating. I acted very childdish, I shut down and basically pretended I couldn’t hear him, then mentioned that I was looking therapy so I could start dating. I just panicked a bit, couldn’t say yes but couldn’t say no.

Okay, that was your reflex reaction – to shut down and want to run away. But it’s great that you did get together after all… that he didn’t give up and things just progressed organically…

I felt trapped it just really caught me off guard cuz he never flirted with me, he said a lot of nice things to me and about me to others but he is a nice guy.

Right… I guess he never flirted with you because he knew you had a crush on the other guy. And he wasn’t trying to compete with him, because he is a decent guy. But I understand it caught you by surprise that he wants to be more than friends, because he’d never shown it before. That was probably another reason why you were caught off guard and reacted confused/panicky at first… But anyway, that’s past now, I am glad you got together after all!

I am constanly worried that he will leave me. Going from friends to more changes the dynamic and now all my wounds comes to surface, like you say. I nearly broke it off before it started because it would be easier for me to leave him than for him to leave me. I get very defensive when that wound gets activated. Your absolutly right and this is a good chance for me to heal those wounds

Good that you’re aware of your fear of abandonment. Try to observe it, but don’t identify with it. See it as just one part of yourself. The wounded child in you is afraid of abandonment. But there is the adult part of you as well, who sees things from a broader perspective. You, the adult Katrine, know that people like you and want to hang out with you. You also know that your guy likes you and cares about you, and that he stayed by your side all this time while you were recovering from the crush, and that he is a decent guy who keeps his word. And that he doesn’t lie and manipulate.

So when the little girl in you starts panicking, try to soothe her, tell her you love her and that you’ll protect her. And also, that you’ll be her advocate. Which you are already doing – you are already speaking up, advocating for things that matter to you, and also being more open about your fear with your boyfriend:

i am speaking my thruth more and more. Even just having that chat with the manager about the head chef was hard for me but I did it, and I have been opening up to him before he left that it was hard for me to see him leave and he said he felt the same.

You’re doing great, Katrine. You are being vulnerable and admitting your fears and your needs – which is a precondition for a healthy relationship! And it’s wonderful that he too is open about his feelings, that he admits how much he misses you. And also that he is willing to talk to you on the phone. Which means he is responding well to your feelings and your needs.

Being aware of when I start to assume I know what him (and people) are thinking is my first step, because I really don’t want to screw it up because of the past.

Yes, be aware of those fears and try to anchor yourself in your adult self, which is getting stronger and stronger by the day!

I also think I am reacting this strongly because not only is he away for that long he’s also no longer working the same place as me, and it makes me afraid.

Right… you’re afraid that distance will weaken his interest for you. But keep in mind that he left because it was a family emergency, not because he wanted to run away from you. And he’s going to be away only for a couple of months. You’re already planning a trip together in June. And also, he never lost interest in you even when you had eyes only for the other guy… So keep all that in  mind – those are the facts. They can help you deal with the fear when it comes up.

I have been going out with my collegues for drinks and dinner and it was really what I needed.

Great! You’re having a good time with your colleagues, you feel welcome and accepted (remember in the past you didn’t feel like that – you felt unwanted a lot of the times). It’s good to hear that hanging out with your colleagues uplifts and energizes you…

Work has been so overwhelmening, too many changes Y is apparently gonna be our new f&b manager (after the one who got fired) which has made people wanna quit.

Oh, people wouldn’t like Y to be your f&b manager?