Dear Paradoxy,

She said that she was hurt by the break up, she was hurt by my parents’ views on the women today due to the horrible experiences they have come across.

When I said she was hurting, I was referring to the hurt that predates your relationship. The hurt that made her prostitute herself. The hurt that makes her feel loved and accepted by people who pay her for sex. That kind of hurt. Because those are not sentiments and reactions of an emotionally healthy person. Those are reactions of someone with an emotional injury.

She might have been offended by you asking if she was a gold digger, but it wouldn’t have caused a normal person to go prostitute herself. She is blaming you for hurting her, but she had been hurt much earlier, by her parents and other family members, in her childhood and youth. And she is still carrying that hurt, and acting out from it.

She said she felt more loved by other men than with me cause of the stereotype my parents had of women in general in the modern world.

I think she actually has self-esteem issues, she feels unworthy, otherwise she couldn’t have prostituted herself. And she seems to want validation from you – that’s why she is talking about discrimination and is so easily offended by your parents’ views (you had numerous fights about that, right?).

But she is not getting any validation, partly (1) because of your general suspicion of women, which you inherited from your parents (spiced up by the fact that her aunt is actually a gold-digger and a woman of suspicious morale), and more importantly (2) because she behaves in inappropriate, sexually provocative ways with men.

So she feels rejected by you and your parents, but at the same time she is behaving in ways that prove your parents’ suspicion. She is offended that you don’t give her more respect, while at the same time she is not warrantying that respect – based on how she behaves with men.

My guess is that she is in her own vicious circle of wanting approval and ruining it with her own actions. But then she doesn’t want to accept that it is HER who is ruining her own credibility, but is blaming you for that. That’s the double abuse I was talking about: first by lying/cheating, and then by blaming you for it.

So this could be her inner struggle: wanting respect and ruining it. Feeling worthless (and doing things with which she further humiliates herself), but wanting to feel worthy.

You didn’t cause her to feel worthless (it happened in her childhood and youth), but you are adding to the feeling, by staying in a relationship with her and trying to force her to be decent, and teach her about it (about the rules and moral codes), and calling her stupid when she doesn’t comply.

This whole attempt of yours to “save” her is futile, because her problem is not lack of knowledge, but an internal battle. A battle that she is waging with herself, and you got caught in the middle. You are trying to save her, but as I said before, only she can save herself.

Fine, I could start seeing her like that. And then what? How do I fix it? How do I correct this subconscious desire in her?

You cannot. Only she can help herself – if she chooses to. If she acknowledges that she has a problem and then goes to therapy with it.

I thought I could fix it if I loved her right, but that didn’t work. I thought that my desire for her would have enough effect on her to not appreciate other men’s desire for her.

I just thought my love could fix those issues, those flaws in her.

That’s not how our psychological problems work. If something is missing from our formative years (from that cement that goes into the foundations of the house), it can only be healed by inner work and inner transformation. No external substitute will do. Even if you were the most perfect boyfriend, and even if you tolerated her cheating, she would still have the internal battle within herself. And she would still find reasons to falsely accuse you of things.

You thought you were helping her heal by accepting her lame excuses and giving her another chance. And then trying to educate her how to behave, getting pissed off with her, calling her names, etc. This had zero positive effect on her, it only added fuel to the fire. And it ruined you and lead you to exhaustion, as you said, because she was completely closed for any kind of “correction”. Because as I said, her problem is not lack of education, but an internal battle.

I am able to accurately describe how she feels and she knows that I am the only person who understands her so well, but that doesn’t mean I do not have a limit to how much foolishness I can tolerate.

You don’t understand her, Paradoxy. She is not stupid or foolish. She is in an internal battle with herself, on one hand wanting to feel worthy and respected, and on the other probably believing she doesn’t deserve it. And then sabotaging it by acting out sexually. That’s just an assumption on my part, but whatever it is, it’s not something you can fix for her. She would need to acknowledge that she has a problem first, and then seek therapy.

Like come on, how can you expect me to not get angry when she sleeps with another man and then blames me for it? It is so draining to have an argument with her cause of how stubborn she is.

It’s normal to get angry, but it’s not normal to repeat the cycle endless times, trying to make her see how she is hurting you, and she not wanting to listen, and you trying to force her to listen (the amount of pressure I have to put to force her to listen is really high. I have to figuratively shut her mouth with tape to make her listen, that is the level the situation has become.)

I hope you haven’t actually taped her mouth (!) but it shows how strongly you are attached to changing her. Which is an unhealthy amount of attachment. You would need to let her go.

You cannot force the person to see you, to have empathy for you, to understand your pain – they have to feel it themselves. And she doesn’t feel it. She is very much in denial of the destructiveness of her actions and her own responsibility in it.

I will still consider what you have said, but I think I need to cut ties with her cause she comes back telling me how hurt she is and etc that I am detaching when it is so obvious that I am detaching cause of the numerous amount of times that she has hurt me.

I never said you shouldn’t cut ties. On the contrary, I advised you not to get back together with her. She is still trying to lure you back, to make you feel sorry for her, telling you that you broke up for stupid reasons etc. When the truth is that you have every right to detach yourself from her, after everything she did.

So yes, I’d encourage you to detach yourself, to stop wanting to change her, to stop believing you can heal her. Because her healing can only come from within – if and when she is ready for it.

Hey Beni,

glad you’re doing better!

Haha, I do the same with the physical symptoms. Sounds like you’re confident and hands on about this!

Yeah, I believe in the mind-body unity, and I’ve practiced this approach since long ago. And it really helps because it gives me  some sense of control and the ability to impact things. It’s not like my body is against me, but it’s more like my body is trying to tell me something…

Juhuu, feels good to read that. Reminds me at Gabor Maté I heard him say last week. Asking yourself if you’re good enough is the wrong question. Do you ask yourself if a tree is good enough or a Mounatin

Yeah, we are all inherently good enough and worthy. But we were made to believe we are not…

Is it a way of giving love?

Yes, you could say that. It does come from my heart and I believe in it.

I belief in the way things are and so far haven’t met a higher power. It can be frustrating to know things you’d like to do and not being able to do them. I think praying can really help me to be an antidote to feeling helpless. Then I can pray for finding way’s to do what I want to do with joy. To overcome my obstacles in times of despair.

Okay, it seems you do know what you’d like to do, but you feel unable to do it. (It can be frustrating to know things you’d like to do and not being able to do them.)

Because in your previous post you confirmed this understanding of mine: you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that.

But it seems that you do know what you’d like to do (i.e. what your contribution should be), but you feel unable to do it? Or you feel no joy in doing it? (Then I can pray for finding way’s to do what I want to do with joy.) Oh perhaps you feel a certain obligation to do some acts of service, to serve the world in some way, but you feel no joy in doing that? Please help me understand because it’s not quite clear to me…

Thanks for sharing this observation. What you write is very close to how I feel. Yeah, this impulse confuses me and it is a challenge to bear. What I do is to let go which takes some time and control.

You are welcome, Beni. Okay, if that’s how you feel, perhaps it is related to the above: feeling a certain obligation or pressure to do something grand and noble (to serve the world in some manner), but not feeling joy in doing that? Again, I apologize in advance if I am misunderstanding it.

It feels good to read that

Happy to hear that 🙂

Hi Paradoxy,

isn’t admitting the mistake similar to taking responsibility for the mistake?

No, it’s like saying “Yes, I robbed the bank, but you made me do it.”

She is blaming you for sleeping with other men, basically.

She is abusing you and then blaming you for the abuse. It is called victim blaming.

If that obliviousness is actually fake, then that girl deserves an oscar for her performance cause that is how convincing it is.

Maybe she should be an actress. And second, if you want to be with someone so “oblivious” and “stupid” (this level of stupidity makes me wonder whether she is actually 24 or actually 5), then go ahead. I don’t want to keep trying to dissuade you, if that’s what you really want.

I just can’t imagine any other girl caring for me the same way B cared for me. Like which girl would help dealing with dandrives in someone’s hair?

Well, that’s nice of her to try to help. But you should know that when two people get married, they vow to be there for each other in sickness and in health. It is normal to care for one’s partner if they are sick. However it’s not normal to lie to them and cheat on them.

But today she has taken full responsibility for her actions and promised to not bother me anymore but claims to have trust in God that I will come back to her….

So she and I have come to the agreement that we are now broken up and we will no longer talk about the relationship but she is welcome to ask for my help for her work or whenever she needs it.

Good that you decided to stop going back and forth on it. You said she has finally taken full responsibility for her actions – what exactly did she say?

My attraction for her has nothing to do with her stubbornness. I definitely do not want someone who is too high on their horse to acknowledge what is right and what is wrong. Yes I want someone who understands me but I definitely do not want someone who literally drains all the energy out of me before they finally understand me.

But you keep trying to make her understand. For more than a year now, with no success. Until all your energy was drained. And you still want to give her another chance. It seems you really want this stubborn (“oblivious”, according to you) girl to finally listen to you.

You said something similar about your father: you said he was incapable of understanding your feelings (he is INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING). She too seems incapable of understanding. So I see a pretty big similarity there.

I’ve seen how these girls behave, literally no respect for their partners. These girls make B look like she is a perfect angel from heaven

How are these other girls worse than B? Because I have a hard time imagining bigger disrespect than cheating on you and then blaming you for it.

Besides, the girls who are actually worth it, won’t even give me a chance. So I am just stuck with my fate.

Based on what you said about your online encounters with girls, between ages 15 and 17, you did have some success, but it was either your parents or the girl’s parents who put an end to your online romance. But you concluded – incorrectly – that none of those girls were interested in you. So I am guessing it’s not true now either – that none of the normal, decent girls (which can be found, I guarantee you!) would be interested in you.

Dear Paradoxy,

I asked B recently why she did what she did and she told me that when we broke up, she was heart broken and felt abandoned and in that moment, she felt that the only person who cared for her was her aunt. So she decided to just do what her aunt told her to do, because she was under the impression that only her aunt cared for her. So heart break just became a catalyst for what happened, and her aunt was waiting for the opportunity like a predator waiting to pounce on their prey and B fell right into her trap.

This idea that she was a puppet of her aunt’s is a false one, because she already rejected her aunt’s wishes in the past. Her aunt told her to stop seeing Al, and she didn’t obey, which lead to her stopping contact with her aunt for an entire year:

She told B to leave Al because she knew Al was not a good man but B, on her own accord, rejected her aunt and decided to stay with him. After which, she stopped talking to aunt 1 for a year.

She could have similarly rejected her aunt’s wishes in the prostitution case too. But she didn’t. And eventually she even developed feelings for the guy.

So can you really be mad at a 5 year old?

You should certainly not date a 5-year old…

And I don’t see her craving men’s attention, she just naturally gets the attention cause that is how physically attractive she is, so I don’t see any craving

She gets the attention, but she also returns the attention, e.g. she started sexting with the classmate of yours who was hitting on her, right after you broke up. She went to the resort to meet her guy friend, right after another breakup of yours. She went to a concert, where the music artist started hitting on her – which means that she made herself quite visible, so the music artist would single her out from the crowd. This all seems like someone who is very much craving and seeking male attention, not only passively receiving it.

She is fine with staying at home minding her own business if that is all she had to do.

Is she really? Because after your most recent breakup, she didn’t stay at home, but immediately went to party with her girlfriends, and then she went to a resort to be with her guy friend, and then she went to the beach:

her going to a concert with her girlfriends right after the break up to party (which she knows I am not a fan of cause she gets hit on by men a lot, which is exactly what happened at the concert by a music artist), her going to a resort several hours away to be with her guy friend, hugging her guy friend and his friend too close, her wearing a bikini/revealing outfit (while with her guy friend) and posting it despite knowing that I hated it, going to the beach in another revealing outfit,

But she did say that all her dress ups were for herself  (including the bikini outfit), which I think is bs cause no woman dresses up in a fancy outfit just for themselves.

If it were for herself, she wouldn’t have put it on social media.

And another excuse she had for the bikini incident is that she was in her bikini early morning when everyone was asleep, which is so stupid cause she is literally at a resort, she cannot possibly assume that everyone would be asleep.

Paradoxy, you are forgetting that she went to the resort with the goal to meet her guy friend. She didn’t go there to have a swim early in the morning while no one is around. She went to meet him. And she did. And they took a photo. And she posted it on social media. Her true intentions are very clear and transparent, but she is trying to muddle the waters with her ridiculous excuses. She is trying to make a fool of you, Paradoxy.

She also said that she said all those things about me ruining her life and etc cause she misunderstood and she was just angry and she asked me to forgive her for what she said in anger, so should I?

Please look up the term “the abuse cycle”: it is when the abuser is trying to convince their victim to stay in the relationship, by promising they would change and claiming they didn’t mean what they said, and that they are sorry. The victim agrees and the relationship gets better for a short while, but then the abuse starts again. The abuser never really changes. All those are empty promises.

You said she never listens to you:

Its like her brain resets every 5 minutes and everything I tell her just goes over the head. You can literally feel the words going in one ear and her processing it for a second and then leaving the other ear.

You have been trying to explain to her why her behavior is hurting you, why it is wrong, but she doesn’t even want to hear it. To me this is a sign that she doesn’t want to change. She isn’t interested in hearing how she is hurting you. She is only interested in continuing the status quo.

she admits her mistake one moment, and then blames me again, then goes back to apologizing apologizing and blaming me. I think she just wants me to be blamed for my role in causing her mistake, even if she takes responsibility for actually doing the mistake. So she takes responsibility over her actions AND blames me for causing her to do these actions.

No, she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. She is blaming you. She only admits that she did the deed (e.g. sleep with someone for money). But she is blaming you for it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that her behavior and her lying is 1000x worse than my one lie.

Yes, and your lie wasn’t a lie really. It was a promise to her not to tell the truth to anybody, even to your close friend. So she actually asked you to lie. And you didn’t oblige.

So the technicality of the issue makes me look like I betrayed her and lied to her.

Don’t get caught up on technicalities. Look at the bigger picture. As you yourself said, she is treating you 1000 times worse than you treat her. She is pointing out at the speck in your eye (your inability to hide the truth from your close friend, or you getting angry and calling her names), whereas she refuses to see a massive log in her own eye.

But like I said, she claims to have said what she said in anger, just like I have called her rude names in anger too, so should I really not forgive her for her false accusations?

No, you shouldn’t, because she will be “angry” again and will accuse you unjustly again (as it happens in the abuse cycle). And she is still accusing you for the fact that she cheated and prostituted herself. She took no responsibility for it – she is blaming either you or her aunt. But she herself took no responsibility.

I know that she is a guilt-tripper and manipulator, but it is like she doesn’t even realize she is doing it. It is like a 5 year old crying and throwing tantrums and pouting and showing glassy eyes to get what the child wants, and you just feel so sorry for the child that you just feel the temptation to give in to what the child wants.

As I said, better not have a relationship with a 5-year old…

You know what one of the key features of a toxic person is? They never take responsibility for their actions and always blame others. You can say that she is a like a 5-year old, or you can say that she is a toxic person. Regardless of how you choose to view it, she is not someone you want be in a relationship with.

There is a saying, that you should not go to the market when you are hungry because you will just buy the wrong things. Maybe I just picked the wrong person out of my own desperation for a friend.

A very good and apt saying. Yes, she seemed supportive of your interests and hobbies (and maybe she really is), but otherwise her behavior is very toxic. As I said before, she is hurting you twice: first by her actions (cheating/acting out sexually), and then by blaming you for those actions.

Perhaps a part of the attraction you feel for her is not only that she is supportive of your hobbies and interests, but also that she is very stubborn and doesn’t want to listen to you – just like your parents wouldn’t listen to you.

So perhaps there is an urge in you to get your parents to listen and understand your needs, by proxy: by trying to get her to listen and understand your needs. Which she clearly doesn’t want to…

Dear Paradoxy,

another thing: she is falsely accusing you of lying and wanting to cheat on her – whereas she is the one who actually did those things to you. She was hiding from you that her ex was her housemate, she was lying that it wasn’t him on that half-naked picture, and she was hiding from you for an entire year that she slept with another man.

Those are some pretty major lies and deceptions. But now, she is accusing you of telling your close friend that you two broke up, which she asked you not to:

She had told me not to tell my only other close friend that we broke up, but in a weak emotional moment, I told him that we were fighting. She found out and she told me that I lied to her and made her look like a fool. She also said that if I am able to hide her from my parents for two years, then I can also hide a “bitch” from her too (implying that I would cheat).

Your “lie” was a small one, and it’s wasn’t a lie, it was telling the truth to a close friend. And it wasn’t some horrible, embarrassing secret that she asked you to keep, but simply the fact that you two broke up. Nobody was hurt by that admission, except maybe her ego, who for some reason wanted to keep it a secret.

But then she had the audacity to assume that based on that minor “lie”, you would probably also cheat on her and hide a “bitch” from her – the things that she actually already did to you. She cheated on you and was hiding her ex in her house! Talking about not seeing a log in her own eye…

So, Paradoxy, it is becoming very clear to me that this girl is a serious guilt-tripper and manipulator. She is hammering you with her false accusations until you start feeling that you are the real problem:

Everyday it is feeling more and more like I am the real problem. Maybe it is me after all.

Her accusations are confirming the false core belief that you have about yourself: that you cause other people pain.

This is what you’ve learned from your parents, who too were false accusing you of being a problem, when you were simply a child who needed love and compassion, like all children do.

You were falsely accused and emotionally abused by your parents. And now you are being falsely accused and abused by her as well.

Dear Paradoxy,

The factors that affected you will not be the same factors that affect me, and therefore the solutions you suggest won’t work in certain situations

The funny thing is that regardless of where we were born, and in what circumstances, every child needs the same to be happy and healthy. The basic needs of a child are to be loved, appreciated, seen, validated, supported and encouraged by their parents of primary caregivers. These needs are like sunshine, water and soil for a plant to thrive. Without them, we will wither. Maybe not physically, but emotionally for sure.

Unfortunately you had very few of those needs met. And that’s why your inner child is hurting and still wants to have those needs met.

Some of those needs were met by B, and that’s probably one of the reasons you grew so attached to her. This is what you said about B:

she tried her best with my emotional needs as well, I just didn’t think of listing them which is why I said etc. She tries to motivate me whenever the stress of medicine gets to me. She even supported my music development, computer engineering projects etc.

So she encouraged you to do what you love…. whereas your parents discouraged you:

They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers.

Being encouraged meant a lot to you (it means a lot to everyone!). It also includes being seen for who you are, appreciated for who you are as a person, not trying to change you. You spoke more about it here:

I was never offered a chance to show my real personality to anyone, so they all pushed me away. The one person who didn’t push me away was B.

She saw you and accepted you for who you are. She didn’t reject you, like your parents did. You felt seen and accepted by her, haven’t you?

She is the first person to have ever loved me. … She was the only person who treated me like I meant something,

She was the opposite from your parents in some aspects, and it felt so good to you (and your inner child). You felt loved when she treated you like that. So loved that you were willing to disregard all the hurt she caused you by having sex (or sexting) with other men after each of your (very frequent) fights.

I know I am repeating myself, but I’ll say it once again: I think that she might be using sex (or sexual behavior, such as sexting) as an emotion regulation strategy, as a coping mechanism, when she feels bad about herself. That’s why I suggested it might be like an addiction, because she kept doing it, even if she promised she wouldn’t. I believe the only way for her to really stop is to a) admit she has a problem, and b) starts working in it in therapy.

You are still deliberating whether to give her another chance, because to paraphrase you, “everybody deserves another chance”, “things are complex”, “I need to consider all factors” etc etc. Well, you already gave her plenty of chances, and as I’ve explained above, people with addiction/compulsion cannot change unless they truly heal and transform from within. Which she hasn’t done, and she cannot do without a serious dedication on her part and professional help. You explaining to her why it is wrong, or begging her not to do it, won’t cut it.

Anyway, as I said above, I think the real reason why you can’t let her go is because she was meeting some of your unmet childhood needs (such as the need for acceptance and validation).

And it felt so good, to the point that you thought she was “wife material”, completely disregarding the entire range of very un-wifey behaviors, such as lying to you, sleeping with other men, sexting etc.

But your reaction is not strange. In fact, this is what typically happens when we have unmet childhood needs, because we then blindly stick to the person who gives us even a fraction of what we needed as a child. Even if they are abusing us in other ways.

She was a mix of positive and negative (quite negative, I should say), but you were tempted to endure the negative, just so you could have the positive.

Your inner child wants her (the positive aspects of her), and then your rational mind is trying to find excuses why you should give her another chance. These rationalizations are driven by your inner child – by your emotional hunger – not by any sound logic.

This is why it’s important that we meet our unmet emotional needs from childhood – because they are like hungry wolves, howling and wanting, even if it goes against our own well-being. Mind you, those needs are legitimate, but they need to be met by proper inner work and healing, not by expecting others to meet them for us.

You said one of your subjects is psychology. There is a great video by a licensed therapist Kati Morton, who is talking about those unmet needs. It’s on youtube, titled 10 things you parents should have provided. It’s worth watching…

Dear Paradoxy,

I have been having exams for the last few weeks and I have been focusing on them. I tried my best not to let the break up affect my studying. The way you tell me to heal makes it sound so simple.

It’s not simple. I think it would need a paradigm shift (mental shift), as well as emotional healing. And it’s a long process. But you are only 19, your adult life is only beginning.

I think perhaps one of the starting points could be to realize that there are some serious deficiencies in your father’s wisdom, in his approach to life. Because someone who is not in touch with their emotions cannot be a wise man, per definition. You mentioned his wisdom several times:

my father’s wisdom was passed down to me over the years that he taught me.

I have chosen to forgive my parents because they do not know any better and their wisdom still taught me to be a good man to the best of my ability.

What your father passed on you is probably a set of moral codes and rules for life. But he wasn’t able to pass on you the wisdom of the heart: compassion, empathy and understanding for others. You have those qualities inside of you, but if you start believing that the best way is to cut off your feelings, so they don’t bother you, then the wisdom of the heart – which you do possess – will be lost on you too.

But that trauma has made him compassionate enough to WANT to understand, but he is INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING.

he asks me to open up but his inability to understand forces me to never open up to him because all he points out is how my feelings are wrong instead of understanding why I am feeling the way I feel.

He asks you to open up, not because he wants to understand you, but because he wants to prove how wrong you are. He doesn’t really want to understand. He is stubborn (your own words) and believes he knows better. That’s not a sign of any kind of compassion: his trauma seems to have made him very stubborn and defensive, very closed to a different perspective.

You said: They have never listened to me.

Your father never tried to understand you. He pretended he wanted to (he would ask you to open up), but then he would invalidate your feelings. And it seems he had a skill of being very convincing:

there were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic.)

Your father seems to be pro in convincing you (and others) to accept his views and opinions. He seems like someone who is convinced that only his stance is right, and no discussion about it. What he does then is a kind of mental coercion. In his mind, there is no space for listening to a different opinion: his word is “the truth”. End of story.

I guess he used similar methods to convince you to study medicine, listing all the reasons why medicine is the best choice. But to be a good doctor, you have to love what you do. And you already have some doubts about it:

The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

I am not saying to stop studying medicine, not at all. I am just saying to stop accepting that you need to be unhappy for the rest of your life, just to please your father, or your parents.

Your father might have convinced you, with his “pure logic”, that medicine is the best option for you. He convinced you to give up what you love, for what is useful or opportune. And you accepted it: you accepted that your life must be as your parents construed, and nothing else. You accepted that you need to obey your parents’ wishes, even if it makes you miserable.

I would like to invite you to challenge that stance of complete submission to your parents. They proved that they don’t know what’s best for you. For example, they know nothing about mental health. They’re not able to give you guidance on true happiness and fulfillment, which is still achievable for you. So please don’t accept everything they tell you, don’t give up on your own wishes and desires.

I’d encourage you to re-evaluate things, e.g. see what subjects you like better, see your preferences. Allow yourself to feel your likes and dislikes. Just feel them, don’t crush them immediately. That can be the beginning of your healing.

Dear Paradoxy,

I would like to separate our debate about women in the modern society (which I will address too), from the fact that you have suffered emotional abuse and neglect by your parents, regardless of whether they did it on purpose or not. Of course, they didn’t do it on purpose – they did what they thought was right. But nevertheless, it still caused severe emotional harm to you. And this harm needs to be addressed and healed – if you want to have a fulfilling life and a healthy relationship/marriage.

You’ve opened up and shared your pain and your vulnerability on this thread, and I appreciate it, and would like to help you. You did indeed suffer from B’s poor treatment, as well as from your parents’ poor treatment. And a part of you knows it. You’ve shared about it extensively.

But there is this other part, which got stronger in recent posts, where you minimize the pain you’ve suffered and seek to find excuses to basically stay within the confines of your parents’ worldview. You said:

The only reason my parents shut down my feelings is because they cannot comprehend my feelings. They cannot comprehend the pain that a suicidal person is going through.

If they cannot comprehend feelings, it doesn’t mean they need to crush the person who is having those feelings (you). They could have (and should have) taken you to a psychologist after you suicide attempt. But instead, your mother told you you’ve caused them humiliation, while your father said that suicidal people are idiots:

He is the type of person that constantly tells me that suicidal people are idiots and etc.

This attitude is more than ignorance. It is called wilful ignorance: when someone has the capacity to understand, and has access to relevant information, but they don’t want to. You say your father is highly educated, and yet he was capable of (ignorantly ) claiming that suicidal people are idiots.

I would like to communicate with the part of you who sees how damaging this was, and who stops making excuses. You don’t have to hate your parents, I am not saying that, but just stop making excuses for them. And start focusing on healing the pain they’ve caused you, rather than finding “proofs” that how they did things was actually right.