Dear Natie,

In terms of what im planning to do. i guess since we’ve already broken up , i just need to accept it and try to make peace with this fact and start holding myself more accountable to be a better person. do you have any better approaches that you can point me to?

Actually no, I believe it’s good you’ve broken up because he wasn’t respecting your career plans (which he earlier agreed on) and saw his needs and goals as more important than yours. He said:

”no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..”

He asks you to change your entire career so you can be with him and probably “mother” him in the States, or wherever he is currently living. That’s why he refused a long-distance relationship:

i asked him to continue doing our long distance relationship like any other couple but he said that this is not love and im not putting him as a priority then

He probably needs you by his side, to help him, support him, solve his problems, comfort him (the last part he wasn’t getting so much, that’s why he was complaining), in short he needs you to serve as his care-taker. And you’ve been doing that vigorously because that’s what you’ve learned at home. You were a mother/care-taker to the entire family.

Anyway, if he can’t respect your needs and only cares about his own needs, it’s not a healthy base for a relationship. Don’t blame yourself for the failure of the relationship, don’t think of yourself as a bad person. You do have the right to follow your goals and dreams, you do have the right to work in your preferred field. You don’t need to sacrifice that for anybody.

What you can work on is releasing this role of being a care-taker, or a mentor for others: being responsible for others, and also pushing them to be their best (and in that, perhaps controlling them, or not empathizing enough with them). You said:

i am the eldest child and so if i got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and i felt like i had to write a letter to her to apologise or when my siblings were growing up I was always up till now uptight and worried that if they satyed out all night they will cause problems at home so i kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if i didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents.

It seems you felt responsible for your mother’s happiness, and did whatever possible not to upset her. One was excelling at school – you felt so guilty for getting a bad grade, that you felt you needed to write her a letter and apologize. You also felt responsible if your parents had a fight, and you tried everything to prevent it – and so you tried to control the behavior of your younger siblings.

I can imagine how much pressure you were living under as a young girl, trying to keep your parents happy, looking for solutions all the time, trying to minimize damage, and feeling guilty if you haven’t succeed. It was a big burden, and this is a girl you need to empathize with first. You yourself, as a  young girl, eager to make her parents happy.

Dear canary,

At the beginning of the friendship, he was aware of my mental state and was checking in on me, asking if he could do anything to make me feel better. This continued on into the relationship but slowly he started checking in on me less. I would get lots of anxiety and need reassurance that he loves me. He would try his best to reassure me and make me feel better. When I was having very rough days, we wouldn’t talk as much because he was never available to talk. This really hurt me and he was aware that we weren’t talking as much and he admitted it.

Here is one possible scenario of what might have happened: In the beginning he was able to empathize with you, checking in on you, being kind and considerate, and offering help. As you were anxious quite a lot, it could be that after a while he got tired of always talking about your anxiety and being careful not to upset you. He might have started developing resentment for always needing to take care of you, and it might have manifested in him not being there for you when you needed it most: When you had a specially rough day, he wasn’t available to talk. Or when you were about to be admitted to hospital for suicidal ideation, he instead of being concerned, started talking about his exam.

It could be that you were too much to handle for him, and so he sometimes “checked out”, exactly at the worst time. He probably couldn’t tell you directly at the time that you’re “too much”, but did it in this form of passive aggression.

He always does this in conversations, even when I’m just talking about myself (unrelated to my mental state) he does not acknowledge it and just continues to talk about himself.

One possible reason for this could be that he is narcissistic and really inconsiderate, and that in the beginning of your relationship he was faking kindness and interest in you. The other possibility is that he isn’t narcissistic but that he felt unheard, since a lot of your conversations were about you. As I said before, maybe he was tired of talking only about you and tending to your needs, but wanted to talk about himself, and expected you to listen to him and be there for him? I really don’t know if this is the case, just putting it out there as a possibility…

Having read everything you wrote, I see two possibilities: 1) one is that he truly isn’t able to empathize with people and is extremely self-centered (it would be true if he were a narcissist, or someone with antisocial disorder), or 2) that he isn’t able to show as much empathy for you as you would want it – however that it’s not a failure of his character, but rather that due to your anxiety, you are very sensitive and in a big need of empathy and soothing, which he isn’t able to meet (and then reacts with resentment, and lately, is extremely hostile and disrespectful).

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

I am sorry you’re feeling sad. But it’s normal – you hoped for a relationship with her, and she rejected you once, then she sparked your hope again, only to reject you once again.

I feel so much unfairness, as i think she’s not as sad as me…

She probably isn’t, that’s why she decided not to pursue a relationship with you. The person who initiates the break is never as nearly as sad as the one left behind. That’s the nature of breakups… I guess her feelings for you were less than yours for her, otherwise her parents couldn’t influence her so much. Because you said they didn’t really forbid her to date you, but only advised against it. But she readily accepted their advice, and even told you she doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, with your visiting her from time to time. If she cared about you enough and didn’t want to lose you, she would have been open for a LDR, to be able to get you know you better, face to face.

I too was in a LDR for 5 years, meeting my now husband approx. once per month. You two will be living only 45 minutes apart, it’s nothing. But she refused that, which means she doesn’t really want to deepen the relationship with you and get to know you better.

I think that you should accept the fact that she’s just not that into you, even if she’s told you differently. Her actions and her attitude (rejecting a LDR) speak more than her words…

Do u think if i hope to fate everyday that i will be brought into the right path with her will only cause bad influence to me? Will it only remind myself of her?

I don’t think it would benefit you to hope and pray for you two getting together. It would only prevent you from finding someone else, someone better… You yourself are very young, she is your first crush, your whole relationship happened online, so it wasn’t even a real relationship since you didn’t really go on dates, have you? I dare to say that you practically haven’t experienced a real relationship yet.

You say you’re madly in love, but you haven’t even held her hand, have you? You are in love with an image of her, and also with the feeling you had while interacting with her: you felt appreciated, you felt someone values you and shows interest in you. You desperately needed this kind of attention – positive attention – from people, because you haven’t received it from your parents. She provided it for you, and it made you feel loved.

But it doesn’t mean she is the one for you. There are other girls out there who might like you and appreciate you, and want to go on dates with you, and even plan a future with you. You’re only at the beginning. 22 years is super young. As I told you once before, even at 32 you’ll still be young. You’ve got 10 years to work on yourself and find a suitable girl. There is no rush.

I know that i should focus on improving myself, but it’s so hard to stop thinking about her…

I know, because you tend to overthink and obsess about things (your internal saboteur!), and she is another obsession of yours, which your mind easily slips into. You start thinking and overthinking until your brain explodes and you decide that “I’m so tired with life”. The obsessive thinking does that to you – it drains your energy, it makes you stuck in an endless loop. It’s like getting caught in an eddy, you try to swim out, but cannot, the pull is stronger…

We’ve spoken about the ways you can silence the anxious mind. The best would be to do some physical exercise (you said you’d try jogging around the block) to stop the mental chatter…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Natie,

thanks for clarifying. If he was at first supportive of you going to the UAE, but then suddenly started accusing you of being selfish, it’s not a mature behavior, and it’s actually manipulative.

Perhaps he was conflicted in himself: a part of him supported you in your career goals (his rational, adult part), but another part (a child part) resented you for traveling to another country and leaving him on his own. It could be that his vulnerable, needy child part got stronger after his father’s death, and this made him even more afraid, needy and dependent on you (and  more in need of soothing and comforting too).

Perhaps when he complains, it’s his fear speaking, but he doesn’t want to admit it – he rather withdraws and suppresses his feelings, and then later accuses you of being selfish. But based on what you say, it seems that he too is selfish because he is speaking from his child part, which only cares about his own needs to be met. This part doesn’t care about you or your needs. It also seems to me that he is swaying between his adult part (e.g. when he understands your reasons or when he apologizes for hurting you) and his scared, needy child part (when he is accusing you).

If he isn’t willing to look deeper at his own issues, then there’s no point in forcing the relationship, because you’re definitely not the only one to blame, and he would need to take his part of the responsibility.

you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

Yes, maybe it has to do with you being the eldest child and feeling responsible for your younger siblings, solving their problems, trying to help them?

Dear Peace,

I am sorry you’re feeling anxious and upset, or as the opposite extreme – flat and numb, after he asked you to marry him. Perhaps the most important question is – do you want to marry so soon (by the end of the year), or you were thinking to graduate from the university first?

Because you might like the guy and be willing to marry him some time in the future, but if you’ve set some important goals for yourself (like finishing your studies), his rushing you and having expectations from you might cause you a great deal of upset.

Please know that you do have the right to accomplish your goals and choose your own timing when to get married. If you feel this is too soon, for whatever reason, you have the right to say no, or you can say yes, but not before a date that you feel comfortable with.

How does this sound to you?

Dear Rob,

you’re welcome.

I think maybe someplace deep down, I KNOW me fixing myself and changing for the better WILL change everything around me.

Yes, and it’s scary to change the status quo and have our loved ones get angry at us, perhaps even reject us and abandon us… This I guess is what’s holding you back? You’re aware that certain things in your relationship with your spouse are toxic, but you also love him and want to please him. And as you say, drinking is a way of bonding with him, so it’s hard to let that go.

It seems to me that if you want to stop drinking, you’d also need to work on your co-dependency with him, and decide that you don’t want to sacrifice yourself in order to keep his love. You’d need to put yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in the sense that you don’t want to jeopardize your health and well-being for him, or for anybody else in your family, even if you love them very much. I wonder how you feel about that?

Fingers crossed for your first AA meeting!

Dear Moonflower,

you’re welcome. I am fine, thank you, just returned from holidays 🙂

It’s good to hear your partner is supportive, thinks highly of you and isn’t affected by other people’s opinions too much, even the opinion of his own family. That’s refreshing and a good base for a healthy relationship!

I am trying to be more independent from others opinions and not let it affect me as much as I do. For it not to rule how I am around people but the hard truth is, is that it still does. I really hate it when people say things that I’m sensitive about or make.judgemental remarks as I try to avoid confrontation at all costs if I can…

Unlike your partner, you do care about what other people will say, i.e. are sensitive to their criticism and judgment. You also say you’re critical of yourself, specially your looks after the surgery.

This probably means you have a rather strong inner critic, which is accusing you of not being good enough, pretty enough etc. After the surgery, you say you felt “less of a person, like something was missing”. I think it was the same inner critic who was telling you that after the surgery, there’s something deeply wrong with you, so much so that you felt less of a person.

Would you say this is true? If so, I believe it’s your inner critic that is really stopping you from living your life authentically, carefree and at peace with yourself…

Dear canary,

I now know that I was asking for the bare minimum in the relationship, but it was so difficult for him to give it to me. He has trouble with empathy and he wasn’t able to empathize with me because he was too worried about himself.

It’s good you’ve realized it wasn’t you who was too demanding, but it was him who was self-centered and giving you very little.

I simply want the best version of him in my life again which is why I have hope.

Have you seen this best version of him? If I understood you well, he lacked empathy and was self-centered throughout your relationship. But you also say he was selfless and kind at some point, and tried to empathize with you “even if he had lots of trouble with it.”

You say you knew about his symptoms (I assume his lack of empathy?) even before you dated. Based on everything you’ve written, does it mean that there was a period when he was trying to change and be a better person for you, a person with more understanding and more empathy? But he never really succeeded, and now he’s given up and is just selfish, “extremely arrogant, only cares for himself” and “does not care to be a better person” any more? He returned to his old self?

You say you saw a potential in him, and this is what’s giving you hope. But since he’s given up on bettering himself, you know this hope is unreal and you want to let it go? Am I understanding it right?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.