Dear Rob,

you’re welcome.

I think maybe someplace deep down, I KNOW me fixing myself and changing for the better WILL change everything around me.

Yes, and it’s scary to change the status quo and have our loved ones get angry at us, perhaps even reject us and abandon us… This I guess is what’s holding you back? You’re aware that certain things in your relationship with your spouse are toxic, but you also love him and want to please him. And as you say, drinking is a way of bonding with him, so it’s hard to let that go.

It seems to me that if you want to stop drinking, you’d also need to work on your co-dependency with him, and decide that you don’t want to sacrifice yourself in order to keep his love. You’d need to put yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in the sense that you don’t want to jeopardize your health and well-being for him, or for anybody else in your family, even if you love them very much. I wonder how you feel about that?

Fingers crossed for your first AA meeting!

Dear Moonflower,

you’re welcome. I am fine, thank you, just returned from holidays 🙂

It’s good to hear your partner is supportive, thinks highly of you and isn’t affected by other people’s opinions too much, even the opinion of his own family. That’s refreshing and a good base for a healthy relationship!

I am trying to be more independent from others opinions and not let it affect me as much as I do. For it not to rule how I am around people but the hard truth is, is that it still does. I really hate it when people say things that I’m sensitive about or make.judgemental remarks as I try to avoid confrontation at all costs if I can…

Unlike your partner, you do care about what other people will say, i.e. are sensitive to their criticism and judgment. You also say you’re critical of yourself, specially your looks after the surgery.

This probably means you have a rather strong inner critic, which is accusing you of not being good enough, pretty enough etc. After the surgery, you say you felt “less of a person, like something was missing”. I think it was the same inner critic who was telling you that after the surgery, there’s something deeply wrong with you, so much so that you felt less of a person.

Would you say this is true? If so, I believe it’s your inner critic that is really stopping you from living your life authentically, carefree and at peace with yourself…

Dear canary,

I now know that I was asking for the bare minimum in the relationship, but it was so difficult for him to give it to me. He has trouble with empathy and he wasn’t able to empathize with me because he was too worried about himself.

It’s good you’ve realized it wasn’t you who was too demanding, but it was him who was self-centered and giving you very little.

I simply want the best version of him in my life again which is why I have hope.

Have you seen this best version of him? If I understood you well, he lacked empathy and was self-centered throughout your relationship. But you also say he was selfless and kind at some point, and tried to empathize with you “even if he had lots of trouble with it.”

You say you knew about his symptoms (I assume his lack of empathy?) even before you dated. Based on everything you’ve written, does it mean that there was a period when he was trying to change and be a better person for you, a person with more understanding and more empathy? But he never really succeeded, and now he’s given up and is just selfish, “extremely arrogant, only cares for himself” and “does not care to be a better person” any more? He returned to his old self?

You say you saw a potential in him, and this is what’s giving you hope. But since he’s given up on bettering himself, you know this hope is unreal and you want to let it go? Am I understanding it right?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

are you talking about the same man your other thread was about, with whom you were in a relationship from August 2019-April 2020?

In your previous thread, you were mostly blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship (“I was suffering from severe depression & anxiety and it made me difficult to deal with which caused me to think that he did not truly love me”). But in the meanwhile it seems you’ve realized that he had issues too and that his behavior was hurtful (I understand why he did all the hurtful things to me).

You say he is suffering from antisocial personality disorder – was he diagnosed by a medical doctor?

You say a part of you is “still holding onto the hope that he’ll be the happy person he once was”, “a person that was genuinely trying to be a better person and make his life better.”

I imagine that when you’re daydreaming and creating fake scenarios of you being together (you mentioned this in your previous thread), you’re focusing only on the good times and forgetting about the bad times when his behavior was hurtful. That’s quite common – we often see the person through rose-colored glasses because we fall in love with our idea of them, a romanticized version of them, instead of the real person. We want them so much that we overlook the bad sides. And the reason we want them so much is often because they remind us of one of our parents, whose love we’ve always craved but never really received.

That could be why you feel so very attached to him, feeling that you love him unconditionally, no matter what he does to you and how he behaves.

Can you relate to any of this?

Dear Saje,

The thing is I know I need to get out there to find what I’m looking for; however, the more I do the more apparent the lack of becomes.

Could you elaborate on this? Have you tried dating but haven’t found anyone suitable?

also, my friend said i have been looking from a lack mentality and not abundance. Which is why I feel the way I do. Any thoughts on this?

The mentality of lack would be that you feel less (less valuable, less worthy, less special) without a partner, and that you need someone to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps Lao Tzu’s quote (“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”) can be interpreted like this:

When you realize there is nothing lacking about you – the whole world belongs to you. And the right person will appear too… How does this sound to you?

Dear Emy,

you feel connected to this man, specially to “his teenage years and the relationship he had with someone when he was a teen”. Could you explain a bit more? Does his adolescence remind you of your own adolescence and a relationship you had with someone while you were a teen?

Dear kleineBlumealleine,

I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?

It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.

Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.

irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.

It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…

Dear Felix,

She told me to wait for 2 year, i actually know that it is true and i can guarantee that in 2 years she wont be in a relationship…..

Did she promise you anything about the future? For example, did she tell you that she loves you and wants to be with you, but that the only obstacle is her family, i.e. her aunt at whose place she’ll be living, and that that’s why she asks you to wait for her?

If she didn’t say anything of the kind, but asked you to wait because she doesn’t want to lose your attention and interest in her, and/or doesn’t want to lose you as a potential backup solution in case she doesn’t find any other boy – then no, you should definitely not wait for her or stay in a relationship with her.

A while ago she told you not to expect anything from her. Probably that’s still true – that she isn’t willing to promise you anything, and yet she is trying to make you remain “faithful” to her, in case she needs you in the future. I think it’s quite selfish of her.

my brain always keep telling me that she’s the only “attractive” girl that i can hope for. For the past 9 months when i stop chatting with her, i tried to get close to girls and i failed…

That’s your low self-esteem – that’s why you believe she’s the only girl who’ll ever show interest in you. But if you work on your self-esteem, this will change and you won’t need to depend on her…