Dear OrangeHeart,

Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental!

You’re welcome, OrangeHeart. Your gut feeling is right and you’re not going mental by thinking that something’s not right with his behavior!

And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods!

Right… that’s your main theme, actually: you’d rather tolerate abuse than stand up for yourself. And the reason is your mother being the bully, and you adopting the strategy of appeasing and pleasing her, rather than protesting.

I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again

The main trauma is from your childhood, and I think that’s why you keep being attracted to people similar to your mother. Maybe this is surprising and offensive to hear (sorry for being so blunt), but it happens with all of us till we heal the original trauma. We repeat…. in various shapes and forms. Perhaps your previous ex was an outright narcissist and sociopath and he may have enjoyed torturing you (you didn’t say the latter, I am just assuming). Your current boyfriend might much more “meek”, and his controlling and manipulative behavior might stem from his insecurity.

Nevertheless, the result is the same – you feel like you need to suppress yourself so he wouldn’t be upset. And he can get upset super easily and then treats you badly. So you need to give up on yourself to stay in a relationship with him. And that’s pretty much what you needed to do with your mother (and what your father needed to do)…

he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute…

Yes, he is the one who needs you – to control his moods, to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel in control. You have a mother role for him – you’re there for him to soothe him and make him happy, but he isn’t there for you. It’s an unequal relationship.

I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them!

Yes, it’s not good if one person is the caretaker, and the other the child in the relationship. If one just gives, and the other just takes.

Dear Miss.Lex,

I believe you did the right thing to ask for a break, because he admitted he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend and he’s heartbroken that she left him:

he shared that he was still heartbroken from a previous relationship (one in which he was ‘in love’ with the person)

a reason why he was unable to emotionally validate was because of how emotionally invested in this previous relationship

said he still wants to be with me only if I don’t make his situation about the heartbreak an issue

he feels like he still not over his past relationship

If he isn’t over his ex and maybe even wants her back, then naturally he isn’t capable of a deep, intimate relationship with you. Maybe he kept in touch with you after you left to another state because he felt less lonely and it felt good to have someone to talk to. Has he talked to you about his past relationship and his heartbreak? Because that too is a sign that the person isn’t over it and cannot really focus on their present relationship…

I communicated to him that that we should take a break with no communication until he has done more reflection on his feelings. I expressed that I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to stop talking to him, but it was not fair for me to have an open heart willing to provide unconditional emotional support while he does not due to a past feelings. My intention of a break with no contact was to allow the possibility to reconnect in a healthy way in the future — if he chooses to do so.

I think you did the right thing.

Now I am left here with feelings of disappointment and hurt. …  I am sad. I know I should feel proud in standing up for myself (I’ve never done that before in romance) and also in communicating my needs instead of bottling them up due to fear of conflict. But I do not feel proud. I feel sadness because I feel like I lost something (our connection) while standing up for something else (me). I doubt I did the right thing.

This can have to do with some emotional wound of yours. Sometimes, as children, we believe we need to give up on ourselves to get the love from our parents or caretakers. Standing up for ourselves is not an option, because that means being abandoned by those we love (and depend on). Do you perhaps have such an experience?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Candice88,

it’s hard to be creative and make music when there’s someone else in the apartment with me.

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

The only thing where I can understand him is that he wants to make music (because that’s his job and he likes it), and that he needs a private space (a garage) to do it. And perhaps also that he works best in the night because that’s when his inspiration comes. If he is a musician, these are usually the conditions, and I guess you can’t expect him to work 9-5 and then be home for the evening.

However, being a musician doesn’t justify his other unreliable and immature behavior, such as promising and then forgetting to show up, or lying about things etc. And also, what is he doing in his car for hours? It seems like as a way to escape spending time with you…

I’ve had more than just the two 2 bad relationships, and I’m 28 now. I really don’t want to go back to being optimistic, hopeful, and open to another person, because I’ve always been let down pretty hard. Lately I’ve been softer and more vulnerable with M, like when we got together, because the therapist told me too in order to give M the opportunity to prove himself.

I guess you gave him the benefit of the doubt. You’ve been tolerating his neglectful and lousy behavior for quite a while, and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible (And it’s honestly maddening to be looking him in the eyes and tell him, for the twentieth time), with only occasional outbursts of anger. As a side note, the latter was the only thing that actually made him change his behavior – temporarily. But he’d do it reluctantly, resenting you and blaming you for not being tolerant enough.

Anyway, you’ve been practicing empathy and understanding (a softer approach), as a way of self-development. And you’ve been doing pretty well. But now it’s time to stop practicing it with M, because with M, empathy and patience only means he’s going to continue treating you badly. And no amount of explaining or pleading or therapy seems to help change his behavior. Only your anger helps for a short while, but it’s not an honest change but a way to appease you and reduce tensions.

Being more empathetic and patient is a good quality, but it won’t lead you anywhere with M. It will only lead to more abuse and neglect. That’s why you “end up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused”.

Soft, vulnerable, open, understanding, patient…. doesn’t work with M, it only hurts more. However, it is necessary for a healthy, committed intimate relationship. Those qualities are essential, but not to be practiced with people who don’t deserve it. With people whom you need to protect yourself from, rather than open up even more.

I have my lease for October, I’m moving out soon…but after that I’m not really expecting anything good to happen anymore. I’ve had many friends actually tell me “Maybe you have to come to terms that you’ll never find someone who deserves you.”. Which has been…hard to hear.

Those friends of yours aren’t helping you… maybe they don’t know what to say, and this is the easiest to say (besides “don’t worry, things will get better”). These 2 relationships, and those before them, helped you grow. You’ve grown a lot in the relationship with M. You’re only 28. You said you’d like to have children some day – well, you’ve got at least five more years to have your first child. You’ve got plenty of time to find a good guy. You aren’t late for anything and you’ve got plenty to hope for.

In one month you’ll be out of the flat and out of the toxic relationship with him. That’s when you can close the door to old and abusive, and open the door to new and healthy. As I said, you’re just beginning…

Dear Tineoidea,

It’s always been there and like I said before, I bond for life so I’m always the last one to leave a sinking ship. I try to make things work even at my own expense once I’ve bonded with somebody and I tend to put up with a lot, perhaps too much at times.

Yes, it appears you stayed in the relationship with your friend at your own expense, and now even at the expense of your relationship with your girlfriend. I am trying to understand what caused this sort of loyalty, which is self-destructive – you’d rather sacrifice yourself and your well-being than the relationship. What do you fear would happen if you’d put yourself first and protect your interests and your well-being, rather than the relationship?

Dear Ashmitha,

He asked to talk a couple weeks after our breakup and said he felt miserable and couldn’t stop thinking about me,

That’s curious because before you broke up, he didn’t really show much interest in you, except once per week, during your intimate encounters. Could it be that he only misses that part, and in order to have it back, he was willing to agree to certain provisions, like introducing you to his friends, inviting you to a vacation with them, talking on the phone once or twice per week, and not ignoring your texts. He figured this is the minimum that should keep you satisfied… and he can still get what he wants. He now has to put in slightly more effort, but not too much more…

Since we met, he has said he wants to get married at age 30-31, which I thought was late. Recently he told me, he’s thinking of 32-33 now….

How old is he now? 27? Why the wait? Are there some objective reasons, or he simply doesn’t feel like tying the knot, but having fun as long as possible? I am sorry if I sound bitter, but I don’t think he has changed, and he’s still stringing you along…

Dear Candice88,

That’s actually something he has said he does – saying things that he doesn’t mean just to get me to lighten up, because he thinks “easing the tension fixed our relationship”. Even though the lies show up further down the road and make everything worse. To me this is very simple to understand, AND he and I have had this conversation countless times with no changes in his honesty or communication skills.

Right. It’s a childish behavior on his part – just make something up to make “mommy” less upset. It’s manipulative and shows he doesn’t really want to change. What has transpired at your last couple’s therapy session, if you don’t mind sharing?

I agree about what I should do when I doubt myself. But I’m at the point where I do feel like I won’t find a person for me, and it’s all very scary.

You believe so because the relationship with him is falling apart and is likely not going to work, and the previous one fell apart too. But you went into both of those relationships with lots of baggage, lots of childhood trauma, and it definitely impacted both the choice of partners and the outcome.

With M, you’ll be better off without him, and I believe you see that too. He doesn’t really want to give you anything, he wants you to tolerate his lousy behavior, and then when you get pissed, he tells you something to calm you down – which he doesn’t mean and is a lie. I don’t see any potential for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship there.

With S, your old trauma was triggered when he cheated on you. After that, he didn’t have any empathy for you and kept torturing you with his partying and refusing to tell you when he gets home. He put all the blame on you, when in fact, had he loved you, he would have understood where you’re coming from and made that little gesture of sending a text. This only increased your anxiety and panic attacks, and led you to be desperate and anxious – which eventually led to him pulling away.

In the relationship with S, you were both responsible for things not having worked out, while in the relationship with M, I think you’re doing everything you can, and yet he is unwilling to do his part.

It seems to me that now you are much more self-aware, you’re going to therapy (and I encourage you to work on your childhood trauma, if you aren’t already), and are in a better place mentally and emotionally. You’re working on your healing and there is no reason why you wouldn’t find a partner – someone who would love and respect you and also have empathy for you. You had 2 bad relationships, but it doesn’t mean all your options are exhausted. In fact, if you work on your issues and heal your trauma, you have a much greater chance to find a good guy and have a healthy relationship.

On top of that my love for my ex has grown, despite my efforts to stay busy, and I have dreams almost every night that my “parallel universe” wish comes true – that he and I meet up again for a weekend just to hang out for me to see if the he is actually someone I should/could give a second chance and to rekindle our relationship.

It’s no wonder you are feeling love for S, because he seems to have grown and understood his mistakes, so he seems like someone you could be happy with. But I still think that a lot of your day (and night) dreaming has to do with the infatuation that your inner child feels towards S, because he feels like a perfect parent. He, unlike your mother, finally realized that he was wrong and that he’s hurt you with his behavior. You sought closure, both from him and your mother, and unlike your mother, he gave you the most perfect closure possible. This is what I wrote to you on July 25:

When you sought closure, you might have wanted something similar: for your mother to understand you, to admit her mistakes, and remove the barrier between the two of you, so you could have a loving relationship with her again. But it didn’t happen, and it rarely does, unless the parent is working on themselves too.

With S, you sought the same: that he would finally understand what he did to you… And lo and behold: it seems S does understand you and has admitted his mistake, which leaves (at least in theory) the door open for a loving relationship. S did what your mother couldn’t do: he admitted his mistake and even expressed that he loves you.

No wonder you are fantasizing about him. I don’t know if it’s meant for you to be together, but I am sure he is not the only person who could truly love you. You need to keep repeating yourself that you’re lovable and deserve proper love, not manipulation and breadcrumbs. Two failed relationships don’t mean that there is no future for you. You’re only beginning, you’re only starting to blossom now. Give yourself patience and time, and things will get better, I promise you.

Dear Tineoidea,

He always tried to monopolize my time/attention and highly disliked it when I spent them on somebody else. He was also always critical of my other friends.
There was a project to which I invited him, that would then support my living. There he mostly alienated people with his reckless behavior and tried to defend himself when I told him to stop. He also kept making promises of helping me with this and that but never actually did anything I asked him of, even simple tasks, then complained about me “leaving him out of the decision making” when he himself barely engaged, had no idea about what was going on, encouraged me to drop the project and even went MIA for months.
So to say, the concept of personal accountability is mostly alien to him and he’s quick to anger.

Well, I have to say, with such friends, who needs enemies… His character is lousy, he is not just selfish and possessive, but unreliable and untrustworthy, and not taking responsibility for his actions, but accusing you of “leaving him out of the decision making”. He gets angry quickly, behaves recklessly, criticizes everybody else but has zero self-criticism and self-awareness.

He monopolizes your time, gets jealous and angry when you spend time with other people, accuses you of not spending even more time with him, and claims that he “was trying his hardest to be the best friend.” When in reality, he behaves nothing like a friend, but like a spoiled brat who only causes trouble.

What I felt though is that I had to erect barriers to fend off his possessive behavior. Yet I still cared a lot about his wellbeing and such.

You too, like your girlfriend, have a soft spot for him and gave him way too much leeway. You say you cared about his well-being. Does it mean you felt responsible for him, felt obliged to take care of him, in spite of his lousy character? Have you felt similarly obliged towards your family members perhaps?