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Viewing 15 posts - 1,441 through 1,455 (of 1,952 total)
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  • in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383069
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    it seems she strengthened the decision not to date you, and it’s not only because of her parents’ pressure/advice, but also because she feels that’s for the best. She wants to enter a relationship when she is ready and has serious intentions (she said when she finds a job, and when she is thinking about getting married), and right now that’s not the case.

    It seems that right now she wants to focus on her studies and not be distracted by a relationship, and it’s a legitimate decision. That’s what she’s already told you before, but when you posted that “goodbye” post, probably her ego got a bit hurt and she started the cycle again, messing up with you, giving you hope. She shouldn’t have done that. But she’s young and no wonder she has doubts and insecurity. Try to forgive her for giving you false hope…

    But also, take this as her final decision and start detaching yourself from her, accepting that she’s at the same point where you were 4 or 5 years ago, just entering university, with a million opportunities before her and at least a dozen possible life scenarios. What will be 4 or 5 years from now? No one knows. So there is no point in holding onto something that’s not there, that’s unknown, that will only take shape in the future… Leave the future to the future, and if you want, to God and fate. But don’t hold on to it, don’t hold on to something that doesn’t have a shape yet.

    Focus on the here and now, on what you want to do with your life right now. Things we’ve talked about before, such as improving your self-esteem, developing a sense of accomplishment, hitting the gym, jogging etc. My advice is to work on yourself first and don’t even think of chasing girls for the next 6 months. Become a more self-confident person, and I guarantee you, you’ll be more successful in dating and finding a suitable girl too.

     

    in reply to: Letting go of hope for a person’s recovery. #383066
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear canary,

    are you talking about the same man your other thread was about, with whom you were in a relationship from August 2019-April 2020?

    In your previous thread, you were mostly blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship (“I was suffering from severe depression & anxiety and it made me difficult to deal with which caused me to think that he did not truly love me”). But in the meanwhile it seems you’ve realized that he had issues too and that his behavior was hurtful (I understand why he did all the hurtful things to me).

    You say he is suffering from antisocial personality disorder – was he diagnosed by a medical doctor?

    You say a part of you is “still holding onto the hope that he’ll be the happy person he once was”, “a person that was genuinely trying to be a better person and make his life better.”

    I imagine that when you’re daydreaming and creating fake scenarios of you being together (you mentioned this in your previous thread), you’re focusing only on the good times and forgetting about the bad times when his behavior was hurtful. That’s quite common – we often see the person through rose-colored glasses because we fall in love with our idea of them, a romanticized version of them, instead of the real person. We want them so much that we overlook the bad sides. And the reason we want them so much is often because they remind us of one of our parents, whose love we’ve always craved but never really received.

    That could be why you feel so very attached to him, feeling that you love him unconditionally, no matter what he does to you and how he behaves.

    Can you relate to any of this?

     

    in reply to: Going through a spiritual awakening… #383044
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Moonflower,

    I honestly believe that as long as what my thoughts, spiritual journey and interests are all aligned with the highest good, love, light, growth and purest intentions, focused on kindness and compassion with a deep respecg for all that is, this earth and inhabitants, surely no God or universe would consider that a sin/bad/need for punishment?

    I too deeply believe that God is love, and that you’re not misguided in your spiritual quest for highest love. Also, I believe that you aren’t bad or sinful, or should fear punishment, for having a broader view of spirituality than your own religion does.

    This got me reflecting on my own self and my spiritual journey. I have many fsmily/in laws/friends that are Christian and I know when I have expressed that I’m spiritual there’s been a dismay with them. It’s made me afraid to live authentically.

    is me being into crystals, interested in other religions, oracle decks, meditation etc all a sin and I’m misguided? I’ve been reflecting on this and know that this is me now reflecting based on my own fear and fear of judgement from others.

    It seems to me that you’re afraid of being judged by your family, your in-laws and friends, and that this is what keeps you from being yourself and living authentically. How about your partner – do you feel supported by him in your spiritual quest and free to express your beliefs in front of him?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Saje,

    The thing is I know I need to get out there to find what I’m looking for; however, the more I do the more apparent the lack of becomes.

    Could you elaborate on this? Have you tried dating but haven’t found anyone suitable?

    also, my friend said i have been looking from a lack mentality and not abundance. Which is why I feel the way I do. Any thoughts on this?

    The mentality of lack would be that you feel less (less valuable, less worthy, less special) without a partner, and that you need someone to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps Lao Tzu’s quote (“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”) can be interpreted like this:

    When you realize there is nothing lacking about you – the whole world belongs to you. And the right person will appear too… How does this sound to you?

     

    in reply to: Can't choose between an ex and a new guy #383031
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Sammii,

    you say about your boyfriend:

    I really love him as a person, he’s been in my life so long

    but you also say:

    a lack of respect for me, had a wondering eye, never physically cheated as far as I’m aware! But was never there for me, never wanted to talk to me he was always on his phone or PlayStation or Xbox.

    I did talk to him about this, he tried to change but it still wasn’t enough, he just tried to buy me instead of actually listening and being there for me.

    I wanted to marry him for so long but he didn’t at the time apparently wanted to make it special (10 years though)

    A lack of respect for you and the fact that he was never (or rarely) there for you would be a good enough reason to break up and not to marry this guy. You say you were hinting all the time that you want to get married, but he didn’t seem to pick up the message. It appears to me that you were afraid to express your needs and were tolerating a rather unacceptable behavior. Could it be because you don’t value yourself enough?

     

    in reply to: I don’t know what is the goal #383029
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Emy,

    you feel connected to this man, specially to “his teenage years and the relationship he had with someone when he was a teen”. Could you explain a bit more? Does his adolescence remind you of your own adolescence and a relationship you had with someone while you were a teen?

    in reply to: something messy #383028
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine,

    you’re very welcome. The fact that he forced you sit down and stay in his company is just one more sign, and a strong one, that you should stop friendship with him and free yourself from his emotional abuse.

    Have a nice Sunday yourself and post whenever you feel like it. All the best to you!

    in reply to: something messy #383025
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine,

    I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?

    It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.

    Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.

    irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.

    It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…

     

    in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #383014
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I am sorry for replying only now, I was on holidays and rarely at the computer…

    She did say that she loves me and imagining us dating…(idk if she’s saying this with her adult mindset or she’s still immature).

    OK, so she says she has feelings for you and could see the two of you dating. But there’s a problem with that: she is forbidden to date anyone before she graduates from the university, if I understood well? Neither her aunt nor her mother would support the idea, and she doesn’t sound like she wants to oppose them and date you anyway, does she?

    Although i know she’s also trying to find a solution for us.

    What kind of solution? She told you she would be able to date only in 2 years from now, at the earliest. Until then, what is she suggesting?

    Even her parents know about me now, i’m so embarrassed.

    Did she tell her parents about you? What was their reaction?

     

    in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #382718
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    She told me to wait for 2 year, i actually know that it is true and i can guarantee that in 2 years she wont be in a relationship…..

    Did she promise you anything about the future? For example, did she tell you that she loves you and wants to be with you, but that the only obstacle is her family, i.e. her aunt at whose place she’ll be living, and that that’s why she asks you to wait for her?

    If she didn’t say anything of the kind, but asked you to wait because she doesn’t want to lose your attention and interest in her, and/or doesn’t want to lose you as a potential backup solution in case she doesn’t find any other boy – then no, you should definitely not wait for her or stay in a relationship with her.

    A while ago she told you not to expect anything from her. Probably that’s still true – that she isn’t willing to promise you anything, and yet she is trying to make you remain “faithful” to her, in case she needs you in the future. I think it’s quite selfish of her.

    my brain always keep telling me that she’s the only “attractive” girl that i can hope for. For the past 9 months when i stop chatting with her, i tried to get close to girls and i failed…

    That’s your low self-esteem – that’s why you believe she’s the only girl who’ll ever show interest in you. But if you work on your self-esteem, this will change and you won’t need to depend on her…

     

    in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #382677
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    she’s not being fair with you because she can’t promise you anything about the future, she’s telling you to wait for 2 years to even start dating, she’s throwing you a bait about some possible (and as you say, highly uncertain) relationship many years from now. It’s one big nothing.

    She probably just needs attention, and so far you’ve been her greatest fan, and now as she’s losing it, she wants it back. She doesn’t want you, but your attention and you pining for her. That probably makes her feel better about herself and boosts her self-esteem. It’s her ego, not a real interest in you.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t agree on it by any means. It’s just going to end up in disappointment and you being anxious about her for the next 4-5 years.

    One of my friend whom i told this situation, she said i should try harder for this girl. She said that god keeps leading me a way to keep contacting with her, and show me a way that i should try harder….

    No, it’s not God who is leading you – it’s her who contacted you after she realized she’s losing your attention. As I said, it’s her hurt ego at work, nothing more.

    Like i’m on my journey on accepting my height, but due to this circumstances, the insecurities came back……

    It’s understandable that your insecurities came back, because a part of you wants to impress her, because she’s making you believe she is interested in you. But as I said, my impression is that she’s not interested in you but in your attention. So the best would be to free yourself from her – to wish her well and go your separate ways. If you’re meant to be together in 4-5 years, it will happen. But right now, it would be a bad choice to stay attached to her.

     

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382676
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I am really glad to hear that you’re doing so well, both with your exams and in terms of relationship. As I understood, you broke up with your ex back in April, and have started seeing this other guy in May. Your relationship seems very healthy  – he respects you, doesn’t rush you, helps you when you needed it. You also say you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, meaning you can be yourself around him, which is super important. And you feel peace and calm, as the relationship slowly unfolds… All in all, it does look promising and healthy, and I hope it stays that way and perhaps even evolves into marriage.

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I don’t know what to do, I feel so much pain when I think about how could he do those things. Maybe I cannot face reality, there is a part of me who cannot get away, cannot move on, and doesn’t want to move on. I both want to get free from this jail I’ve built.

    Yes, it seems there’s a part of you that wants to stay in a kind of relationship with the guy your rational self knows cannot give you the love you need. But this other part – your inner child – still hopes that he would. He reminds you of your mother: her love was one moment there, and the next it would disappear. You’re repeating the same childhood dynamic with him. The little girl inside of you is still hoping that “mom” would finally commit to her and never abandon her again. It’s the child’s wishful thinking. You’d need to heal that child in order to move on and be free from your prison…

     

    in reply to: Regretting a missed career opportunity abroad #382464
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening.

    My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment.

    I believe your depression is rooted in your childhood, living with a depressed mother, whom you could never make happy. That’s the reason you felt and still feel bad about yourself, and why you need alcohol and other stimulants to soothe your pain, to forget about the pain. That’s also the reason why you feel unworthy and incapable, and haven’t accomplished the things you wanted to accomplish.

    You’re now experiencing the results of your low self-esteem (insecurity, depression, addiction), but the reason for your low self-esteem is in your childhood. If you want to start healing, you’d need to focus on healing your inner child.

    I was similar to you, had an eating disorder and super low self-esteem, low accomplishment, and lots of insecurities. I didn’t need to get on medications but I started attending therapy. And a really big breakthrough came with healing the inner child – addressing those unmet emotional needs that I had as a child. I am quite confident it would help you too.

    But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable.

    It appears you did have a strong bond, but mostly because of your internal state (depression, confusion, insecurity), you were unable to maintain and sustain that bond. You were sometimes depressed “for no reason”. I know the feeling: even when everything seems fine on the outside and you should have all the reasons to be happy, you cannot – there is something inside you that won’t let you. That’s the inner child who won’t let you be happy, until you heal him.

    In your present state, I don’t think you could be happy with any other girl, and it may be that she is “the one” for you. But you’d need to heal yourself enough to be able to sustain the relationship and not reject her love.

     

    in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #382463
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Murtaza,

    So its not about what i have, nor where do i live, no im miserable because of few words i tell myself.

    You yourself said multiple times that it’s not about the country you live. I do believe the culture you grew up in contributed a lot to your situation, but you said your problem cannot be solved by changing where you live. Although I imagine that if you moved to a different culture, it would be different, easier…

    And it’s not just about the words you tell yourself, it’s about the love you give yourself. But sometimes it’s hard to give love to ourselves because we’re so deprived and lacking. I was like that too. What helped me is to ask for God’s love. God (who in my view isn’t limited to a religion or a scripture) was the first “person” I felt loved me. I begged him to come to my heart and he did. This changed my whole world. It enabled me to love myself and my inner child. It gave me that initial “charge” of love that ignited my ability to love myself.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1,441 through 1,455 (of 1,952 total)