He will not add me to facebook as a friend because then his ex , friends and family will know who i am and snoop me. He doesnt want the drama that goes along with it he said.

See, this sounds odd to me, and I can see why it raised red flags for you. It’s one thing if he doesn’t want the “in a relationship” thing with your name connected to it because that would single you out to everyone, but he won’t even add you as a friend? If everyone knows your name and they want to snoop on you, chances are they already have. You don’t have to have a friend connection to find someone on Facebook. All you really need to know is their first name and then the autofill does the rest, starting with names closest by location. They don’t even need to know your last name if they know what you look like…. so I think that would raise a red flag for me too that he doesn’t even want you added as a friend, but who knows. I don’t know him at all and you do, so I would say just use your best judgement on that one based on what you know if him… but his feelings are sounding a little one-sided, and at some point soon, I hope he starts taking your feelings into consideration rather than just trying to avoid drama with an ex all the time… he’s divorced now and shares kids and that isn’t easy, so he’s likely going to have to learn to handle the drama and won’t always be able to just avoid it.

we have had that talk and he wants to respect her and her choices. she cried and said its broken her heart to hear from her girls how nice i was and how i played with them. so she needs more time to adjust to him dating. Then he said last night she is starting to date. Ive said all i can about the issue , he doesnt want her drama so hes agreed and asked me to respect his decision.

It IS nice that he is wanting to respect her wishes, and that will keep smooth sailing in their co-parenting relationship. Hopefully as she starts dating, she gets to a point where she also wants to introduce a significant other to the kids and then manages her expectations with her ex-husband.

Did he decide to leave her or was it mutual? If he left her, I can see where her feelings are coming from with him dating someone new and the kids being around another motherly figure and also wanting to avoid the social media drama so as not to rub salt in the wound, but I still think it’s odd he can’t even add you as a friend.

It’s sounding like the RV idea is your best option right now, then. If she won’t leave, she can’t stop you from doing so. Then I’d just have your landlord let you know if your place becomes available again. I’m sure they’d be happy to do so to keep it rented.

 I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

That’s the thing…. you stepping back for a bit likely wouldn’t have done anything either. She wasn’t in a good space. If it helps, my ex was going through something similar. His life was just a complete mess (ex-wife issues, wasn’t able to see his kids, hated his job, was in physical and emotional pain, etc), and I did step back and give him his space when he needed it, and he still broke up with me, likely because he associated me with the mess. He felt he needed a total life change, and I was part of that life that needed changing. There wasn’t anything I could do about that, just like there wasn’t anything you could do about it if she was lumping you in with her mess. Literally nothing you could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome because it was meant to happen that way.  If you guys are meant to get back together, you will, but for right now at least… you aren’t meant to be.

So I agree with Mark. You 100% control your suffering. You are choosing to suffer while she seems happy. I probably more than anyone understand the intrusive thoughts and how they’re hard to stop, because I’m experiencing the same, but you choose how you take those thoughts and how you allow those thoughts to make you feel, just like I choose how mine of my ex make me feel. Just do your best to keep your mind off of her and keep redirecting your thoughts until it gets easy for you. Meditation and counseling really, really help… so if you aren’t doing either of those things now, try them again…. but if I may be quite frank… you have to make sure you realize that you are the reason for your own suffering and you can stop it at any time with a mindset change and being mindful, as Mark mentioned. That really does help.

I honestly think that might’ve been good for you to see because it’ll help you let some reality in.  It’s okay to hope for the future, but for right now and indefinitely, she’s with him.  I kind of think it says something that she never said she loves you over social media, too. It’d be one thing if that were just not something she does, but clearly she does do that. It’s possible you were more into her than she was into you, unfortunately.

I think it’s a good idea to get out of your current situation and work on getting yourself better right away. It’s really not a good time for you to get back with your ex anyway, even if she did come back, because you aren’t in a place where you can start a healthy relationship… and if she does end up coming back or you meet someone better… you want to be able to start the relationship in a good spot and develop a healthy one that will last, right?

So even though I get what you’re feeling and what you’re going through, please trust me when I say it’s really better this way at least for now. You have to get out of that situation you’re in first. Maybe let this help push you to do that.

I want to break it off for my mental health and mental space and also because I am afraid if I stay that this pattern of sex not seeing each other and limited communication will continue and I will not get my needs met and continue to suffer

It sounds like you really know what to do and I agree with this thought. I think it’d be a good idea to break it off and move on for multiple reasons. I also think it might be a good idea for you, while going through a divorce, to just take the time for yourself and not worry about dating for a bit. Enjoy your time being single and go do some things you’ve always wanted to do since not having to devote time to a partner gives you extra time to do and learn new fun things. Then when you feel you’re in a really good place emotionally, start meeting people for coffee, like Anita said. Take it slow. Sex adds a level of complication, especially for women, because we tend to get more attached after that.

Hi Valora

Yup im ok to let go but i was stuck as i never got clear explanation. Like i mentioned im more of a face to face direct convo kinda person. I strongly believe in communicating like mature adults and not behave like kids (blocking, ghosting etc). I always prefer a direct dialouge and then be done with the issue. I would have really prefered if she would have told me that see with baby i want complete focus on my family so i cant continue this relation. We all are supposed to be mature adults here

I definitely know what you mean. I think we all like explanations when things like this happen because it gives us closure and peace of mind, but there will be many times where we just sort of have to move on without it. It’s frustrating to move on without that conversation, though. I’ve had to do it myself many times when I would’ve much rather had an honest conversation beforehand and had my questions answered so I’m not left to wonder and overthink. In the end, I figure it’s all the more reason to let them go, though. If she couldn’t give you at least that, then she really isn’t being that great of a friend, and it’s a very selfish way to end things. I just usually end up chalking it up to another lesson in being able to let go gracefully without any real closure, which is a good skill to have in life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

Hi, how old is she right now? You said she’s in the 10th grade, so she must be younger than 18. Aside from the fact that she’s given you very clear indication that she only thinks of you as a friend, I think the fact that she is under 18 and you are 4 years older is a big deal.  The age gap tends to close as people get older, but that big of an age difference when one of the two is under 18 should be a deal breaker.

So I say, yes, definitely a good idea to move on and find someone else closer to your age to date, who is also clearly showing interest in dating you.  You are sort of hitching your hopes to this one girl as being your one only because she talks to you often, but I think it would be good for you to realize that she isn’t really yours to “snatch away,” she will eventually find someone else to date and you’ll have to be okay with that if you want to continue a friendship while also being okay with it being JUST a friendship (with no guarantee of her ever changing her mind on that) as many girls can be friendly and talk to a guy every day without ever wanting to date them. I have lots of guy friends that I have known for decades that I talk to and hang out with often but have had absolutely no interest in anything other than friendship. It sounds like this girl feels the same about you.

I think one of the things that happened here was that you saw the red flags but decided not to pay attention to them. His actions have absolutely nothing to do with your worth. You changed everything and did whatever you could to make him happy, and he still didn’t appreciate it… which means no matter what you did or didn’t do, you weren’t likely going to keep him. He probably has some of his own issues going on too, but, regardless, he likely just wasn’t your match.  So it isn’t that you weren’t “enough.” It’s that you and him just didn’t match up… which means your match is still out there, and to that guy, you will be eeeeverything.

Take this time to grieve and heal. As Mark said, be gentle with yourself, sit in your pain and feel it and then let it go as it comes. It’ll probably come in waves for a while, and it’s going to take some time, but you’ll feel better afterwards. Then, after you’ve had some time to heal and reset and start feeling like yourself again, start dating but set some boundaries. If someone doesn’t contact you for days but can get on Facebook? Don’t be afraid to call them out on that. Just calmly ask them to explain what’s going on… the person you’re dating should want to talk to your or at least check in. If their response doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention to that feeling. Use those feelings as a guide system and communicate them to your partner. Also, I wouldn’t let a partner get too nitpicky. My ex used to do that to me, too, and I’d put up with it but now I wish I hadn’t. I deserved better than that and so do you. Usually it means something’s going on with them and they’re grumpy, but it’s not okay to take it out on you. So that’s another thing that you’d want to talk to your partner about rather than just letting it slide. If you are with the person you are meant to be with… you will not lose them from healthy communication, and your needs are just as important as his.

Your ex was right that you do deserve better than how he was treating you, so take this time to heal, do some things that make you feel really good, hang with friends, learn some things you’ve always wanted to learn, rebuild your self esteem… and then find someone who treats you better…. and you’ll know when you find your match because he will be just as excited about you as you are about him. No doubts.