I don’t know whether I’m right or wrong about this, but it sounds like your husband was going through some sort of a crisis episode or maybe depressive or anxiety given how he reacted. He did something similar to what my ex did, who I’m sure was going through a depressive/anxiety episode at the time. Nothing in his life seemed right and he was unhappy with everything… his job, his lack of accomplishments, just where he was at in general and nothing was making him happy, and I’ve read that the romantic relationship is the first thing to suffer in those cases. They are already looking for happiness from external sources rather than within themselves, which is the main problem… and then, when someone else comes along that is new and gives them a different sort of attention than you do that feels different and good… they start thinking their relationship is the main cause of their unhappiness in general and start longing for that something different… Grass is Greener Syndrome, if you will. The next connection makes them happier at first because it’s new and fun and all honeymoon stage so of course it seems better than what they currently have…. until the honeymoon wears off. This is also probably why your husband is not wanting to work to remedy things, though… new connections, as superficial as they may be, FEEL good…. and if he’s been unhappy in general for a long time and he found something that is making him feel really good… he’s not going to care so much about fixing things. This is also how people get addicted to other things that feel good… it just means he has something about himself that he needs to figure out and fix but instead of using that, he’s distracting himself with whatever feels good.

My ex even did the same thing your ex did… came back a few weeks later, telling me how unhappy he was and how he didn’t know what was wrong with him and I deserved better, that he felt like he was so unhappy with his life and didn’t know how to be happy and felt like he was dragging me down with him, etc. Then after all of that, seemingly continued to move on with the other girl anyway.

I don’t really have much helpful advice in this other than to say you’re not alone. This kind of thing happens to a lot of us, unfortunately, and I’ve learned that in future relationships, I need to be careful to notice the signs of when this is starting and hopefully get my boyfriend/husband to get some help. Perhaps that’s a lesson you can take from it, too. Also, I will be sure that whoever I end up with knows that happiness comes from INSIDE and NOT from external sources.

None of us can say whether your husband will come back or not once the honeymoon wears off. I would suggest, like Mark said, that you take this time to work on yourself. Any free time you have, do some of the things you’ve always wanted to do for yourself. Learn new things, read a lot, etc. Date when you’re ready (but don’t feel pressured to… it’s okay to NOT date, too). Try to allow yourself to accept this as your reality and don’t have expectations that you will get back together, especially in any sort of time frame, but it’s okay to have hope. And I hope your husband gets some therapy, too.

When it’s just me and my girlfriend, no money issues or kid issues.  We do get along great.  We have fun together.

The thing is, I’m not talking about just getting along well, though. For example, I get a long great with all of my guy friends. We’re all easy going and I have a great time when I hang out with any of them… but that doesn’t mean we’re compatible in a romantic relationship.

As far as big things in common.  We don’t have a lot.  I think a huge problem i do have is that i subconsciously compare her to my ex.  With the little things.

By big things, I really just mean the things that truly matter to you in a relationship. Things that are a big deal (which often times ARE the little things). Like if she felt like home and safety when you hugged her, that’s a little thing but a big deal, you know what I mean? Having a bunch of random things in common that you like to do together would be another. Feeling a magnetic pull toward her or just always enjoying her company no matter what and wanting her around is another big deal. Things like that. There would have to be some pretty great and noticeable things to combat some of those negatives, and when the negatives outweigh the positives, that means you aren’t compatible and you would’ve eventually felt the way you’re currently feeling either way, no matter the circumstances, financial issues or not, ex involvement or not.

With my current girlfriend, it would be hard to come up with a dozen.  Sometimes I feel like i have more things that i dislike than more that I do like.

This alone speaks volumes. Even if you WEREN’T comparing with your ex… if you took your ex and your thoughts of her completely out of the equation….  the fact that you would have a hard time thinking of even 20 things you love about your girlfriend is another big negative when it comes to compatibility. And again, I’m just pointing this stuff out to hopefully get you to stop beating yourself up about not feeling the way about your girlfriend that you do about your ex… no matter the situation, when it comes down to it, it’s likely that you were romantically compatible with your ex… and are not with your girlfriend (although you guys may be compatible as friends). And that’s okay.

I don’t know how i put myself in this position.  I feel horrible about it everyday.  I just don’t know how to handle it right now though.  I know you say “rip off the bandaid”.  But she is in no position for that.  If she was supporting herself and her kids and had the resources to move out on her own, it would be a lot easier.  I have this incredible guilt and because of that I feel like I need to support her and her kids until she can make it.

Yeah, I don’t think you should kick her out right now or anything given that she’s not in a position to survive on her own, but I do think it’d be a good idea to let her know how you’re feeling. Especially if she’s expecting you will deepen your feelings for her. If she keeps thinking that way, she’s going to be blindsided when you do eventually break up with her, and we both know how that feels. If she knows that you are not seeing your relationship lasting in the long term, I’m sure she will also work harder toward finding other resources to be able to move out. That conversation doesn’t mean she has to leave right away, but she does need to start actively making moves.

I have so many mixed feelings and emotions every day.  Like i’ve said.  I should have never started dating again.  It was irresponsible and reckless of me to do.  Now i’ve put other peoples lives in the mix of being hurt and more.

I feel like every day I have guilt, pain, and remorse from my past relationship and this one.  I am trying my best to be positive and push through though.

You cannot change the past. You did what you did because you felt you were doing the right thing at the time. You’ve learned since that it was not the best choice, and that’s okay. Forgive yourself for being human. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. Learn the lesson from it so it doesn’t ever happen again. That’s really all you can do. Accept that what happened, happened; accept that it can’t be changed, and let that stuff go.

I like to think of it as like untangling Christmas lights. I’ve made some choices in the past, too, that sort of tangled up my life in the present, and I am now working on undoing those tangles. Wishing I would’ve been more careful or done things differently so the lights wouldn’t have tangled in the first place doesn’t help me untangle the lights. The only thing that will get them untangled is to actively take steps to untangle them.

Then… once you finally untangle a string of lights… if you’re smart, you learn to do things more carefully in the future so you don’t have to untangle them again… and the lights stay tangle-free. Does that make sense?   Right now, you’re just undoing the tangles.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

No worries. No, I would say we both integrated into it before we started dating. So by the look of it, it was an equal starting field, whereas now it’s absolutely not. He owns it.

I think what you’re feeling is normal and I can understand why you are feeling upset…. but the thing is… what you are going through now is the downside of the risk you take when you date someone who is already in your friend group…. and that’s not entirely your ex’s fault. You seem angry with him because he hasn’t reacted in a way that you feel that he should have reacted, but, in truth, he’s his own person with his own perceptions and he’s under no obligation to react any certain way. If he moved on fairly quickly or is acting differently than you thought he would, he likely just thinks differently about the whole situation than you do. Sometimes our expectations of people can mess with our feelings… we expect things we maybe shouldn’t or people surprise us in the way they react/respond and it makes us feel bad… and then our own perceptions of how things should be when we aren’t accepting things as just being how they are can make us feel angrier.

I think it might help you work through this if maybe if you reframe the situation in your mind to accept more of the responsibility for how you’re feeling rather than saying HE made you feel this way, because you are also part responsible for what is happening now for choosing to date within your friend group and you’re also responsible for how you perceive things (and usually it’s our own perceptions that play into our emotions)… so you might be really angry with yourself for putting yourself in this position in the first place. Right now, you two are broken up so he is under no obligation to make anything better for you or to remedy any domino effect you feel he’s created (especially since he might not feel the same). He is absolutely entitled to just go on living his life however he pleases… so in order for you to feel better, you’re likely going to have to take ownership of your feelings and accept things as they are. Accept that, although he may own the group right now, you could change your feelings on that if you maybe shift your focus off of what he is doing and instead focus on building your relationships with the people in the friend group without any focus at all on him, and that should hopefully lead to you naturally regaining equal footing with them… or you can find a new group entirely if you don’t feel that will work for you or it’s not something you want to do.

I want to add that I know it feels AWFUL when people don’t react in the way it seems they should or when it seems like you get the raw deal while they don’t seem to suffer at all. It’s enough to make anyone angry! And I’ve definitely been there, too. But there comes a point where, when you’re tired of being angry, just accepting that you can totally take control of how you feel by shifting how you perceive the situation, that nobody really owes you anything in terms of a reaction, no matter how close or connected you were in the past, and that’s okay… that sort of helps to release the anger.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

It just breaks my heart, knowing he’s like this because of me.

Hi Nairobi,

The thing is, he’s like this because of himself. He’s ultimately the one that chose to end the relationship and then waited 8 months to decide it was a huge mistake, after you’d already found someone. That’s not your fault in any way.

Next, what he’s going through is natural. He is just grieving in the way you had to at the beginning but choosing to do it in a different way. You might feel bad because you are now not grieving, but you already went through it. If you are not getting back together, there is really nothing else either of you can do than to just let him work through the grief. So in the meantime, I would just not look at any of his stuff that he’s posting and, eventually, his grief will subside and he will meet someone new, he will then feel better and the posts will just naturally stop.

Honestly, I think it’s going to probably be that way until you meet someone that takes your mind off of her. It was like that for me with a guy before my most recent ex. I thought about him every day for years right up until I started dating my ex and then I stopped thinking about the other guy altogether. So it’s not completely hopeless and you just have to try to accept that those thoughts are going to be there and try not to get upset with yourself… they’ll go away when you meet someone who is actually a match for you. The longer you stay in your current situation, though, the longer this is going to last.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

Hi Sara,

I’ve absolutely found this to be true, especially if you’re growing and changing and they aren’t. You start to have less in common, and the friendship/relationship just doesn’t work like it used to. I think this especially happens if you get to a point where you aren’t really into drama, gossip, or negativity but your old friends still are.  The good news is, you will start to attract new friends who fit into your current life and mindset, especially if you get out and do things where you can meet like-minded people. So try not to worry too much about what drifts away and be excited about the good things that are ahead.

ugh.  she is still on my mind.  I don’t have any idea why it has been so much in my head lately, but damn.  I’m really trying to focus on other things, but she keeps popping in there.  I hate this so much!  I just needed to vent.  thanks for listening.

I know how you feel. My ex has been on my mind too, and I’m thinking the time of year isn’t helping. It’s just so BLAH outside and there isn’t much to do. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I tend to think about my ex more when I’m feeling bored or lonely. But just remember, when you start thinking about her, it might feel bad in the moment, but those thoughts will pass and don’t be too hard on yourself when she pops into your mind. I still think it’s normal. Just do your best to redirect to what’s happening in the moment and any good things that might be happening right now.