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Posts tagged with “vulnerable”

How to Connect with Others and Feel Less Alone in the World

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“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” ~Brené Brown

There is very little in life (if anything) more important than our relationships. How connected we feel to others is a strong predictor of our happiness and our feelings of self-worth.

From a neurobiological standpoint, we are wired for connection. Our deeply connected relationships can ultimately give us true meaning and purpose.

But, if we’re feeling disconnected, alone, and segregated from those around us, how can we become more connected? Why does it …

Falling Apart at Inconvenient Times: Why There Is No Shame in Public Pain

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“The major block to compassion is the judgment in our minds. Judgment is the mind’s primary tool of separation.” ~David R. Hamilton

On the evening of October 28, 2014, the phone rang. When I heard my stepmother’s voice, immediately, I thought, “This can’t be good.”

Last I had heard, my father was resting comfortably after routine surgery earlier that day. Now it was past midnight in North Carolina.

“Jill,” my stepmother implored, “please talk to the nurses. I have no idea what they are trying to tell me.” Sometimes we cannot listen to what we do not want to hear.…

No Matter What You Tell Yourself, There Is Nothing Wrong with You

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“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” ~Bronnie Ware from Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

I wish I could remember the exact moment I mis-learned that being myself wasn’t going to cut it.

It happened early. Maybe kindergarten. I didn’t do it consciously, but at some undetectable moment, I put my real self in a box and created someone else. This new me was so much better—always happy, very accommodating, super quick and witty, and an expert at everything.

This new me was almost impossible to …

5 Ways to Create Amazing Friendships

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“To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

Studies show that perhaps the most important component of psychological well-being is not family, material possessions, or career successes, but rather our friendships.

For someone like me, that is terrifying news.

I have few friends. There are several reasons for that: I’ve moved often throughout my life, I’m an introvert, I was always deeply afraid of rejection. But the root cause was that I never learned how to be a friend.

Books and movies became my source of information about friendship and as a result …

You Don’t Have to Appear Perfect: It’s Okay to Admit You’re Flawed

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“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.” ~Sigmund Freud

If you’re anything like I was, you have an image of yourself that you want other people to adopt. You think people expect that of you or would like you better if that’s who you were, so you pretend to be that person.

Over time, you put on layers of protection to prevent people from seeing the imperfections that would undermine that perception. You refuse to admit to those imperfections. You may also blame others, the weather, or fate for any perceived failure—anything but yourself.

As a result, you can’t …

How to Make New Friends When You’re Feeling Lonely

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“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s a weird paradox.

In a world where technology and social media seem to bring more of us together more of the time, recent research indicates that more of us are feeling lonely more of the time too.

People sometimes deflect their feelings of social nakedness by making a joke of it.

“Look at me: Norma No Mates!” they say when admitting again to having no plans for the weekend.

But it’s no laughing matter.

And I get it. I really do. I’ve been Norma No …

Drop the Mask: How to Slowly Lower Your Guard and Change Your Life

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“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

The root of my inability to be open stems from my childhood. (I guess much of who we are comes from childhood, right?)

I remember around the time I was eight years old going to a party at my aunt’s house. Even though I don’t remember the details of the party, I do remember what happened after.

We got home that night and my dad asked me, ”Don’t you think you should be a little more reserved or have a little mystery to you?”

I …

Why We Need to Share Our Honest Feelings

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“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ~Nelson Mandela

She hurt my feelings. She was leaving soon to live in another country for up to six months. I knew that if I held on to my hurt, this resentment would fester, and my best friend would be the recipient of my anger.

I prayed for courage to find the right words. I didn’t want to hurt her. I knew I had to say something or …

Authenticity May Feel Risky But It’s Worth It

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“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

Growing up I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I would be on top of the world and the next I felt overwhelmed by anxiety. I didn’t know how to share my difficult emotions in a healthy way with my friends and family, so I started suppressing them instead.

I realized early on that it felt safe to hide my feelings, because no one could judge me if I kept them to myself. I believed …

6 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Trying to Make New Friends

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“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” ~Alice Walker

When I was young, I never actively wanted friends, probably because I didn’t know the benefits of having strong friendships. I got along fine in my social circle in high school, in part because I could translate Latin more quickly than my classmates, which was helpful to some of them, and because I was pleasant enough.

I wasn’t going to get on anyone’s nerves, at least not on purpose. In fact, I was so careful not to be a bother to anyone …

We Are All the Same, So There’s No Reason to Hide

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“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” ~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

It’s taken a long time for me to be comfortable with being completely myself.

Most people who meet me now see a strong and confident woman. Yet, underneath that confidence there is still a little girl in me that is scared. I’ve accepted that she is always going to be a part of me; however, …

When You’re Hiding Your Pain: Why It’s Worth Letting People In

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“All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

We are all interconnected, and we all need each other. Our ability to see and be seen by each other creates a beautiful depth of connection that we are privileged to experience.

This has been a great …

5 Things to Know Before You Enter a Relationship

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“Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.” ~Unknown

I’ve never been one to casually date because I believe in the storybook romance of a whimsical love that withstands all odds.

I blame this on my parents who met as teenagers and have maintained their marriage through both triumphs and hardships. Because of this, I always believed that my first love was going to be my forever.

However, about a year ago I had to let go of the love of my life. He was my high-school sweetheart, and as we grew …

Getting Real in a World of Fake

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“Nobody wants to be lonely. Everybody wants to belong to a group. The crowd is essential for the false self to exist. The moment it is lonely you start freaking out. Particularly in the West they have not discovered a methodology to uncover the real. To be an individual is the greatest courage. It does not matter that the whole world is against me. What matters is that my experience is valid. Don’t die before realizing your authentic self.” ~ Osho

Authenticity. Courage. Vulnerability. We hear these words so often they’ve become a part of our daily language. But how …

A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

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“A broken heart is not the same as sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

“I love you but I’m not in love with you” was the line my first boyfriend used when he broke up with me. I was twenty-two.

We were only together six months but I cried over him for a solid year, thinking a few parallel thoughts: “If I were thinner and prettier he would’ve been in love with me,“ “How could he not be in …

Take Off the Mask: 6 Tips to Be More Authentic

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“Being who you are is another way of accepting yourself.” ~Unknown

Years ago I struggled to be authentic. I was a consultant who worked with senior people in big organizations. As a black female fresh out of graduate school, I was frequently the youngest, the only woman, and the only minority in the room.

Because I was so different from those around me, at least on the surface, I was concerned about how other might perceive me. So I put a lot of effort into portraying myself in ways that I thought would increase the odds of others accepting …

Why Being Real Matters More Than Being the Best

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“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” ~May Sarton

Have you ever compared yourself to others on social media?

You’re not alone if you have. It’s human nature to compare, compete, and seek value in the opinions of others. To aspire to the heights others seem to have attained.

But how real are those people we compare ourselves to really being? The ones who seem to have it all together? Perfect family, ideal job, loving relationship?

I would venture to guess they’re not being very real at all.…

We Are All People Who Need People

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“But first be a person who needs people. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” ~Bob Merrill, lyricist, Barbra Streisand, artist

Act 1: Babs and Me

Barbra Streisand and I could be twins.

For starters, we were born on the same day.

Sure, she got here a couple of decades earlier, but except the part where she’s a rich, famous, writer-director-actress married to James Brolin, and oh, that singing thing, we could have been separated at birth.

We both have blue eyes and chemically enhanced blonde hair. We speak the same language; in Brooklyn or Philly, …

Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability and Unlocking Your Power

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“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ~Criss Jami

Wanting to avoid pain and shield ourselves from it is natural—and, by the way, completely not possible, because as we close up to protect ourselves against pain, we also block out the light that reflects from it.

Despite our best efforts, the boundaries that we’ve built around our hearts to protect us from feeling pain, discomfort, and hurt are the very chains that keep us tethered to it, disallowing us from feeling the opposites—joy, love and passion.

Only in embracing …

Why We Talk More Than We Listen and What We Gain When We Stop

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“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” – Brene Brown

I like to talk. A lot.

It’s how I get ideas and work through concepts I’m not quite clear on. It’s how I get myself motivated or calm myself down.

If you let me, I would probably talk your ear off all day. As a creative grasshopper, my mind runs a mile a minute, and has no shortage of ideas to explore.

But a conversation in which people are talking, but not listening, is not really a conversation. It’s selfish, unsatisfying, and does absolutely nothing to build real connections.…