I totally see your point and I have to agree. I also asked this to myself from time to time, however, I know he does everything to be better towards me. So I cannot blame him for that. Also, from what I’ve heard or saw, he already does that. He does hold himself from expressing so many thoughts. His mind is full with them. So sometimes he can slip up and say a few of them. As for the finals, I’m surprised how he managed to complete all of them, I saw how hard it was for him to try and go on, though. I guess I’ll have to observe my thoughts, my mind and him during our separation (his trip to his hometown) and then act accordingly. I know that I’d feel terrible, I’d feel terrible. But even if I get laid off from work because of my performance being terrible, I would stay alive. I would feel neutral from time to time. It would be terrible mostly but I would see the neutral moments as well.

You can see below how I can act rational sometimes. This applies to all humanbeings I guess.

Will do, thank you for everything.

He hasn’t moved out, he went to his hometown 4 days ago and I guess he doesn’t know what to do. I try to be easy, I want what’s best for him. I don’t want him to move out if that would be bad for him, but I guess I should just wait and see since I cannot control what happens at this point. I’ve tried to talk with him a bit more yesterday, I’ve sent him some therapy videos just to give an idea, I know it’s a bit weird to send some videos or articles to someone who’s actually dealing with the problem. But I’ve been trying to do something for so long, I guess I just can’t do anything to make him better and I’m about to give up. We’ve been texting and he was triggered by some details again and then he blocked me at some point. Then he unblocked me to ask if I was okay. My feelings come and go, I was really upset when he said goodbye to me today, he was giving up. He told me that he won’t come here again, he’ll stay there. Now he says that he cannot stand them (his family) anymore, he’s staying with his mother at the moment. He is upset because they don’t communicate with him, I guess they just don’t try to understand. I wish there was something I can do to make this all better, but I cannot see anything right now. I’m out of ideas to try.

As for the higher power subject, my parents have never talked to me about religion. I was brought up to be an Agnostic, although they were atheists. I’ve never thought about the higher power, I was also faced with lots of unjustness and I used to question the world as well. However, I tried to believe in something last year but all the stuff I’ve listened from my acquaintances that are Christian or Muslim were giving me all those nonsense with the miracles and non-questioned phrases. So I couldn’t find anything to believe in. I would like to believe in ‘the good’, though. However, I cannot do so while all these terrible stuff is happening around us all the time. I’ve already lost my trust and faith towards the good in people to a great extent. Maybe that’s what I need to work on. I feel like the world has this spiritual entropy as well, where everything just deteriorates and there’s no turning back.

I hear you Anita, it’s high time that I learned to stayed all alone and still managed to be satisfied with life. Although, I cannot find the strength to face life and feel vulnerable as I said. But I have to face that feeling to, without clinging to him or anybody else. I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.

I also feel clueless and I feel like that’s what I should be feeling at this point. I’m trying to hold on to my job just to put aside one more pay-check and get closer to a more comfortable life, which could happen abroad, in a better country with better work-life standards allowing people to have jobs that doesn’t fully leech off of them leaving no time what-so-ever.

We used to have ‘Remote Saturdays’ because of the pandemic curfews during weekends. All week-days were at the office, and then our Saturdays would be remote. Working from our homes, I was able to sleep more, rest more since I could literally do my job in my bed with my laptop. This week, the Saturday curfews have came to an end. We’ll be at the office 6 days a week, 54 hours in total. I’m also spending 2 hours with transportation, leaving me no time to relax. I’m sleep deprived, cannot fall asleep most of the time and even 8 hours does not feel enough when I’m able to sleep. And I earn 2.25 dollars for each hour, I’m sure that sounds worse to you than it does to me.

Also, I am sometimes making this a bigger deal than it already is, though. For example, I’m at the office and it’s been 3 hours. I’ve only worked for 20 minutes so far. Sometimes I work with a full focus the whole day, but sometimes I focus for like 2 hours and that’s it.

As for the love, I’ve always loved animals. I have much more empathy towards them compared to the one I have towards people. We used to adopt sick animals, trying to heal them with my mother. I used to live with those animals while she was at work. I cannot adopt an animal these days because I have no time or extra money to take care of one, but my mom has like 8 cats in her house and she always takes care of the animals that live nearby, at the streets. What I can do is just sending some money to the people in need who is trying to heal them as well, I’ve been sending some since I’ve started this job. I wish I could do more but I guess that needs to end once I stop earning from this job as well.

You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

It was not exactly our of necessity. I could decide not to work and my mom would support me anyways. But having an extra clingy father, not being able to have the smallest luxuries like little furry pencils which costed like a penny then, made me feel bad about spending money. I wasn’t able to have the stuff I wanted and he didn’t chose to spend money for us, he chose to spend it for his luxuries. When I look back, I feel sad about those days. There are tons of memories where I just wanted a small gesture, a small toy or a furry pencil that costed so little. And he was a teacher, and my mom was working as well. We did have money, but we lived like we didn’t have any. Even my mom was used to live like that. She didn’t even have extra clothes, any cosmetics what-so-ever. She was making as much money as dad did, but she didn’t have the freedom to spend it. We were brought up to be like that.

After their divorce, my mom started to spend the money she was earning for us, for us. I wasn’t able to get any pocket money from my dad and I felt so guilty for every penny I had to get from my mother. Therefore, I started to work, I’ve transformed my hobbies into freelance jobs, like designing and she is still proud of that.

Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.

I can try this, not sure whom but, I can imagine I suppose.

Thank you Anita, TeaK and Peter. It’s a privilege to be able to share all the details and your support means a lot as well. All of the mental and physical challenges I’m facing these days requires a huge deal of perseverance. I’m not sure how much perseverance I have within me.

I’ve been thinking about a B plan for like 2 days and it includes, quitting this job, then investing in a tattoo machine and an ipad which would allow me to draw more and more. Maybe then I would be able to find more gigs and create a future.