Good Morning Anita,

Brrr! Quite cold today! All over the US! I am glad you have the option for the treadmill now, to exercise during those blistering cold days coming up.  That was a good decision.

I thought about what you stated: we must be careful not to do their bidding.

I thought about it a lot, and thought about how so many actions in my past were in fact “doing her bidding.” Like an obedient little messenger, sent out in the world to “right all the wrongs” done to her.  Her bidding indeed.  Thank you for telling me this phrase.

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I thought about something else as well.  I didn’t write about it to you yesterday as it first entered my mind as I wanted to contemplate it first.

So, have you ever felt scared to rely on inner circle? As in YOUR inner circle, as in your husband.  Feeling that if you rely on this this one person predominantly – god forbid something happens, what will happen?!

As in, putting too much weight on one person, and then something happens to them god forbid (theoretically) then you will feel so alone?

So Ursula never said these words outright, but she mentioned often about people who are left with no one.  I am not trying to phrase it like her, and I don’t exactly have her words in mind.

In my example, let’s say I become very good at focusing on inner circle – my husband (for now, perhaps children in the future).  But god forbid something happens – then would I ever feel “foolish” for that?

Now as you can tell this is more of a rhetorical question, I don’t truly believe this – but interestingly it crossed my mind, whether it was Ursula’s words or my own.

I know in reality – we are MEANT to focus on our own families and inner circles.  That is how society propagates forward.  That is also how the Animal Kingdom works.  Protect your own.  There is a reason this has been the way in nature and pre-modern society.  Sure societies in the past may have been more collective, including large families and “takes a village” mentality.

Just some food for thought…your thoughts.  If you feel uncomfortable with this topic – we can talk about something else.

Dear Anita,

Yes, Ursula was the “wrongest” of all – not the “fairest” of all as she thought.

I know the second part of my post was a bit confusing, as it a jumbled thought I had myself.

It went something like this:

If one (say you or I) relies entirely on another and is in many ways dependent on that person (say a husband) – then if something was to happen to this person – would they then be devastated? and regret relying on this one sole person?

Dear Anita,

Yes, it is too general.

I don’t think others are not dependable – as in nowadays I see how dependable they truly are! For example, my own husband, my in laws.  Rock hard dependable and reliable people.  Unlike Ursula’s voice and brainwashing.  In fact it was SHE who was not dependable!

I am not sure what I was trying to say, and now it is slipping my mind.  But I do like what you stated above, and I will elaborate on that as it is giving me some good fuel on this cold morning.

You know Anita, you wrote about how CC has to be Super (perhaps) because others are not dependable.  I thought about how CC would feel if she lived this way, she would drive herself to sheer exhaustion.  I am watching her from the outside.  She is never resting, always trying to be in control.  She never truly enjoys her life – I see her decade after decade.  At work, at home, with children, without.  Nothing ever changes.  She always feels the same.

It makes me think about the times when I used to tell you, there is never a sigh of relief – I always feel the same.  It makes sense to me now.  It is not that now all of a sudden I feel this sigh per se.  It is more that I can see the contrast.

I see the days during which I hold on tightly to everything with a strong fist, unable to let go.  And other days, where I ebb and flow.  When I do not. I notice this even this past week.

Like I told you, I have tried not to over think or ruminate about the jobs – we are gathering more information bit by bit.  I notice my tendency to “do.” To always do something.  Filling spaces, filling time with things to do.  Feeling a sense of accomplishment of this, but often it is just compulsive.  I have gotten much better about this, and I notice it now – if I am doing something just for that sake of doing it – I immediately stop.

You know, we aren’t “supposed to feel” certain when we are faced with certainty.  Of course not.  BUT the difference I know now, is that we also aren’t “supposed to” be overwhelmed with anxiety and a feeling of now now now, must know now, must do now.  That is the difference I know now.  That difference is huge.

addendum:

I didn’t mean to quickly change subjects or avoid what I was saying earlier.  It is more that nowadays I notice that I am much better at removing unnecessary thoughts from my head.  Does that make sense? It’s almost like I can think about something, and when I realize it is not pertinent or a good use of my mental energy, I have gotten better of almost shaking it out of my head.  Not forcibly – but more of, “no need for you to hold residence in my brain..bye bye.”

Hopefully this practice can continue when larger, and less pleasant things occur.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you, that makes sense – but also feel free to “be yourself” and bring up topics that are of interest to you if you wish. Do not worry that you are adding anything that is “unnecessary” as we both know very well we can converse easily – and know, if and when a topic may not fit the correct timing as well.  (good mindsets as well as boundaries)

Yes, will get much colder for sure.  It is “feels like 15 today” at least above zero!

So I wanted to ask you since this morning: How are you Anita? I want to hear about you.  How have you been, what is going on in the world and mind of Anita?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I am glad for someone like you, someone who has such a great amount of time learning about human behavior.  I especially like your point about “re-living the same internal life experience of those formative years.”

I was reading over the weekend, a lot about Indian culture.  The concepts of so many people married off before they are even true adults, and then living through unfulfilled marriages, and then dumping their un-fulfillment, anger, resentment, “feeling robbed” onto their children.  Many of which (even those apart of the extreme cases like my mother) feeling like their children owe them something for making this “ultimate sacrifice.” “I suffered all this for what, so that YOU could make me fulfilled.”

Which of course is impossible.  It was enjoyable to read about this generally vs. relate it all to Ursula.  Seeing cultural trends, seeing societal trends.  Seeing the similarities and differences in human behavior in different regions.

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I wonder what it is that is new that you may be seeking.  I wonder if it is a sort of activity, or a sort of interaction.  Perhaps both.