Dear Anita,

Empathy toward yourself will calm the frenzy, anger toward yourself will feed the frenzy.

This is so Incredibly foreign it’s like reading advanced calculus. You know it’s correct as it’s a fact, but it’s entirely not innate.  When I said thank you for not judging my email it was along that line – helping me not judge myself first of all. I notice how harsh I am with myself. I notice how I focus more energy on what I do wrong and now I approach things wrong – and less on empathy.

I know this social “busyness” has been very detrimental for a long time. Not just for myself but also my husband. He doesn’t have the same background or upbringing as I, but he too is noticing the increasingly less and less “benefit” toaling yourself available to many friends.

If you take away all the aspects of my background and mother — at simple baseline when we met we had this in common. We were both Incredibly social brings with large groups of friends each. We had gone through college and medical school valuing friendships and having a great time in this manner. Especially meeting and living in NYC in the late 20s it was a very special time when we met.

Fast forward to now. I know what I know. He too has had Many examples of his own.  Like the friend that came over on the 4th – the one with the horrific wife. This man is a what my husband would call one of his best friends. And over the years he has become increasingly flakey, unreliable etc. I noticed this about 2 years ago first when I had a get together – then again at a mutual friends wedding. Point of the story is – we talk a lot recently, my husband and I about this.

About the fact that people do what they want when they want how they want. They unlike us, don’t make themselves available when inconvenient to their own selves or life.

We talk about now (led by me but he sees it too more and more especially after this past weekend) that instead of hating these people – we have to stop being foolish and must re prioritize our own lives. We can’t have fear. We too can do what we want and what we should.

It’s time now to cut out all that nonsense. Now does that mean we live in a bubble and have no friends. Of course not. But it will take a shift in perspective. The idea that socializing is not beneficial for what we need – for our healing and personal restoration as a couple.

I in my life have seen time and again the concept of being shown a certain “lesson ” over and over until I finally accept it. Many people can say the same.  With this friendship aspect I have been writing this to you for years now.

This is the Pinnacle. The idea of each friends face on a dart – pop pop pop. Feeling anger and annoyance at even kind friends.

The feeling of anger and annoyance at myself. Im going to tap into that more right now whatever comes to mind…

I know that this is not a one and done easy lesson. Oh CC don’t you see how giving away your energy to friends is showing you time and again – your Demise. As in you feel so strung out and then what you have left you give away. Now you have even less left for yourself and husband. Or perhaps you feel down inside feel anger. How dare these people act how they want!! When they’re busy or occupied they never would take the time to accommodate myself or husband. But look at us – always making time for people in our most mutually busy lives. All for what!

Well all for the fact that we value socialness. But aren’t we just idiots – or are we disappointed. Disappointed that the real world exists of many people who are self oriented. Or people who change as they get older becoming more selfish especially if they marry someone who is a certain way or controlling.

Or perhaps these are all small details and the universe wants me to learn. I picture it taking a wooden rolling pin and beating me down with the lesson. Not violent just a smack. Smack see look at S and how she was able to enjoy her own engagement – look at the feelings it brought up in you about yours.

Smack look at your fourth of July and how you “allowed” others to take all your precious energy. Attending to idiots who came and went as they pleased.  Look at 400 other examples. So many of which are outlined in this previous thread. Smack smack smack. Did you learn it yet?

No – perhaps because you are too hopeful for humanity? Expecting people to not be so selfish and truly “show up.” Even people like D Or her ex when you know they aren’t that reliable – still seeing the good over the bad and expecting more. But then being smacked by the true reality of them.

Maybe that is too hopeful. Or maybe it’s that it’s just outward. Sure we are social beings. But who else extends themselves this much? No one I know. Clearly others preserve their own first.

So looping back around. The universe has shown me Time and again that I, CC (take my husband out of the convo now) do NOT want to give my energy away. I do it as a knee jerk reaction and habit – and then become resentful to that person and myself. It’s a pattern.

Give it away when I am depleted and then resent the friend or person/ and my own self most importantly for allowing this. What a silly cycle.

Over and over and over.

Of course all of my problems do not lie in over extending myself.  Because then that would be only blaming one aspect. I have frenzy at baseline – even if I was to be in a box for 3 months. But I think this is a huge component of it.

Back to July 2 when I was able to successfully complete my experiment of silence with the mean lady. I’ve been away from that for a few days and it sounds – well childish!

I am thinking about it and read the post again. It reads as a child making a big deal of pouting and giving someone the silent treatment. I say this not to put myself down as a child..

But I see this pattern same as I did with my mother. My mother would have so many stories. Oh finally I told that woman off! Oh finally I was able to not talk back – oh this and that. She would have so many scenarios where she was agitated by others and it affected her so much.

I know my story isn’t the same and I don’t want to put down any progress of my own. But seeing it from far right now I see this young girl CC who is so sensitive. She’s small with wide eyes and so aware of her surroundings. She’s taking it all in at lightning speed – no filter. Taking all the stimuli trying to process it fast no shield.

I guess after writing above – I took a small break – I see one thing. CC is SO affected by her surroundings.  She finds herself giving plenty of energy away to friends. She finds herself not having the patience to act with love and kindness to her husband. A person that Maintains this towards her although becoming increasingly resentful and impatient.

She is working on it. But constantly gets pulled every which way. To the left to the right. Feeling pulled, but more importantly allowing herself to be pulled. She is starting to see how much of a role she has in this personally. She can’t learn lessons daily if she lets herself be pulled.

She isn’t the average Joe with average needs. She needs to see herself as different. Okay she saw it. But she needs to give herself permission.

You said something that really struck me the other day. Along the lines of: a person overlooking all of my actions, collecting every email etc and keeping tabs and judging so to speak.

The concept of an over arching being that is saying oh look at CC doing this, saying that, no doing this.

Perhaps it’s the mother voice – the mother looking over and judging. Saying oh how sad rhats not the CC I know. Holding onto a tight version of her  – maybe the S the super cali chica SCC

So if CC relinquishes the role of Super Social. Then what’s more – is there still super? As in if one aspect is conquered (the silly social busy-ness as you call it, the giving energy away) then I am still left with the baseline frenzy

Then I have no distractions away from being aware of triggers and baseline.

So daily frenzy, the bird. Not the squirrel today the bird. Bird bobble head back and forth back and forth. Constant battle with himself.

This bird hates himself for the frenzy and the fact that he spills it over to his bird friend – husband. Knows it. But feels unable to stop it. But the bird can’t sit still.  He must fend for himself and find food constantly. Day and night.

But what is the bird was given an endless supply of food and nice shelter. Would he still bobble back and forth in frenzy. Well yes. He wouldn’t know how to accept this new “safe space.” He wouldn’t be used to it; and perhaps it would feel odd and uncomfortable. Too easy – something has to be missing!

I think this is why I avoid sitting with My frenzy and task at hand. The task of focusing on my teammate. I have visuals of being on a mountain or island for a month all alone. Yet in real life I don’t create this scenario – when to a point I can.

I feel easily distracted and burdened by this. And just like the bird. I can go to a safe space – retreat in it. The space where I only worry about myself and husband. But it doesn’t feel like a retreat at all. It feels wrong maybe or foreign.

Well I would give the bird the advice of –sit in it longer.  The safe space. It is good for you in the long term. Don’t worry you won’t lose all your skills. You don’t have to be challenged daily, you’re allowed some rest. I give you permission.

It is hard to say I hate you for what you did to my brain, because it feels odd to hate someone for something that wasn’t done intentionally. It feels analogous to saying “God I hate my mom for dying and leaving me an orphan.”

But this is untrue. My mother didn’t die, and she wasn’t put into a circumstance against her own will In which her daughter’s life had to be miserable. It is entirely self induced. All of my teuama is directly from her. Not indirect. And that is why I cannot stand indirect people or action. Just fess up. Own it. Cowards.

So I should say loud and clear – I hate you for ruining my brain. But it doesn’t feel natural.

Maybe because I sometimes trick myself and don’t think my brain is “ruined” since I am so functional. Self trickery. Easy to overlook the damage when I’m not sitting here writing to you or talking about it directly.

I should say I hate you for ruining my brain. Because it should be hate , or if not hate – anger. One has every reason to despise someone who emotionally abused them their whole life. I mean I definitely am disgusted when I hear such stories. Yet there is dissociation with this sort of sentiment towards my own life.

Perhaps I am too busy still acting like everything is fine? The trickery. Perhaps I haven’t felt the horrible depths just yet. Just the surface. Surface level of dysfunction being seen. Not the true depth of horridness. Perhaps unable to fathom it all.

I know I’m not holding back because I have hope or sympathy for her. But I also know I can’t gauge the full depth. Well that’s what this work is for.

I look outside right now at a beautiful scene. A peaceful scene for once. And I know that my mother cursed my brain so much that no matter where I go or what I do – I am cursed with frenzy. She cursed me with the inability to be still and she robbed my joy.

We know this. So what’s next. Well she not only did this but made me feel bad for it, or responsible. I believed it.

I look at the events of this past weekend now and I see a child running around the house in panic and frenzy. Where should I go, what should I say?! And a mother who doesn’t console her at all. No she adds to the frenzy- she says oh God why did you have a horrible person over your house – are you stupid!!! Oh God why did you send such a humiliating email, God are you so stupid and foolish. Oh what did we teach you?!

Yes what did you teach me. You taught me that frenzy is the way. That this life is suffering and that frenzy is our lot in life. You didn’t teach me about self guidance. You didn’t teach me self trust. You don’t trust your own self – how could you? But as I look back I also see that if you taught me all this – you wouldn’t have been a legal to control me. It’s beyond your inability- it goes into control manipulation and evil.

Now as you know – I have trouble often understanding large intricate concepts without analogy or “small world examples.”

I see my husband’s friends wife: Ni we will call her. Ni too is controlling. She has Insecurities and deep rooted anger from previous incidents in her life. Instead of processing them, she found a perfect innocent victim to control. To make into her puppet and mop. Dance puppet dance. He does. Move away from your family it will be a better life (so I can control you fully) he says okay. Be better look better – he says yes you’re right.

Seeing it from the outside it seems surprising. Especially since Ni is nothing special or “powerful” in presence. But that’s just it. So many evil beings do this day in and day out. To their children, spouses, others. I don’t want to be abusive anymore. Not to my husband – not to anyone. I never want to be anything close To Ni.

You, mother, brainwashed me about people like Ni. Those are the people who made you the most mad. Oh how you hated the power and control they had. Especially if it was invisible from the outside –

Oh look how that ugly woman can control her husband! What a shame for him.

Oh how that horrible man treats his sweet innocent wife.

So many opinions constantly about other “evil” people. Day in and day out. To the point that this is all I see mostly.

Yet I never saw the one right in front of my nose. Never. Even now as I type I know I’m just scratching the surface. Just a little dust off the surface.

It feels utterly impossible for my life to not be controlled by others. By the thought of others, my thoughts about them, my opinions about them, anything. It rules my brain and it rules my life – like a disease – like a cancer.

You gave your daughter a disease – but told her daily how lucky and privileged she is. She didn’t deal it, because she is in fact “diseased” so she suffered more. Gosh why cant I appreciate it. And so you would kick her more and more. What’s wrong with you ungrateful child.

So she ran and ran and ran. Ran to find appreciation and freedom from distress.  Ran and ran and ran her way through life – still running.