Ah ladies, what is going on in the world?!!
Honestly, I woke up this morning to work and I cried. I cried my eyes out. I’ve felt so numb during this whole time that today I just cried. I have been stuck at home for nearly two weeks now. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss human contact. I have wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands. What I’ve built to be my safe place is no longer serving me. The walls feel like they are absolutely closing in.

I hope you are all safe. I hope you and your families are healthy. I hope your minds aren’t kicking the crap out of you. Sending love to you all!

Thank you so much @genie and @shelbyville, I appreciate your feedback.

It hurt like hell yesterday. His scent lingered on the duvets so I had to wash them. His toothbrush was still in the bathroom so in a moment of anger i rubbed it the toilet. How could he do this..hoping to punish him then it dawned on me he wasn’t coming back and if he was I wouldn’t do that to him. So i curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed for an hour until the phone rang. I ran hoping it was him but my heart shattered into further pieces when it wasn’t. So I turned to the bottle again.

Today I just feel sombre. The tears are dried up. I feel like im in a thick fog I can’t see clearly and find it too much effort to push through it.

I’m worried the drinking is becoming a crutch in itself. The thought of going sober and being alone with all of my thoughts scares me but so does the idea of becoming addicted to it. The good thing is with the state of the world I’m running out of supply and with my anxiety there’s no chance of leaving to stock up. So I’ll have no choice but to sober up.

This crisis has it’s own weird positives in the sense when I get fleeting moments of clarity I too think the man I loved just up and left me without looking back. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It wasn’t discussed. He said his piece which I realise for him would have taken a lot but just like the communication throughout the 4 years he chose to avoid proper discussion. He didn’t give me time to adjust, respond or check how I felt about the situation. He just walked away.

What you are saying about loving myself is true. I’ve never had anyone appreciate me. I’ve always felt like the weakling in the family dynamic. I always felt anything I did didn’t meet others expectations. My worth has always been low.

@shelbyville I noticed you are still in touch with your ex…..is there still a chance for a reunion? Do you feel you and I can be the very few that make it work? Or am I really the desperate, needy woman who has lost who she is in what was most likely another form of addiction. A drug which made me feel better about all my insecurities. Made me mask who I really am and avoid facing the problems within me?

My friend who rang me again last night to check I was coping is incredibly clever and studies psychology. She said Sammy I didn’t mean to hurt you but I cant lie to you either, you need to hear it. She said what I thought was love wasn’t real love. She said when you are in real love with a person you are able to find peace in letting them go and no matter how much you want them your primary concern is their happiness. She said very few people experience or love in that way. It was unconditional.

She said real love doesn’t send you to therapy because you would either be in it or at peace without the person. This hit home.

She said I was addicted. What I was missing was the habit of having that person around, the safety and the idealised version I had in my head of our future together and dreams. I wasn’t missing him I was grieving the loss of those. If I was to look at the relationship properly I was happy to live off the crumbs of his attention even though he didn’t fulfil my needs at all but eventually the desire to realise those ideals would creep in and cause the issues. We were fundamentally not right for each other. She said it was all rooted in my attachment as a child. Is she right @shelbyville after years of therapy do you feel this is correct? All this time I think I’ve been in real love but how could I be if I don’t even have enough love for myself?

My thoughts are swinging from disgust to just desperation as I ring him frantically hoping he will pick up wanting answers. I can’t see my way out. I don’t see myself surviving this pain.

Hey all.

Yep – I’m back in the UK. An interesting last few days for sure. Many cancelled flights, border closures and mandatory quarantine centres meant it was a little tricky to say the least to find a way back but the research paid off as our flight was one of a handful that flew just fine. Some fun and games with Vietnam immigration too – they are much tighter than the UK where you’d hardly have known it was lockdown when we came back via Heathrow. But we’re all good and now tucked up in our home which we fortunately always have well stocked. Our friends & families are all doing ok, even the at risk ones. So all a bit surreal but ok. Luckier than most for sure.

@Genie. I’m so proud of ya! You know what the most awesome thing you wrote was – that you would have turned your ex down even without having Jay on the scene. That’s just so good to hear – that you finally value yourself enough and understand that relationship won’t ever give you what you want and deserve. Love it.

@ Adelaide. Same goes for you. It is amazing how a big event can help get clear perspective. I loved this that you wrote “I wish them both well, but want to put my energy into connections that are fulfilling and will be strengthened during this time, not connections that cause anxiety”. Exactly so. Our lives are shaped by our choices. If we choose to fill our lives with people who love and respect us – it’s a great life. If we choose to let people remain in our lives who do not, then you have no space to find those who will. It takes courage to let them go and trust that life without such people is better than life with them.

@Shelby. Congrats on surviving the meeting with the ex. It was always going to be tough. It’s a real slap in the face when they treat you like a friend and it’s clear they’ve moved on.  Understand entirely why you are cutting back – it is very very easy to get anxious if you constantly read about the doom/gloom headlines screaming in from every direction. Keep it at what you can manage with. As I believe I’ve said many time irritatingly, nothing in life is in our control, as much as we would like it to be. We can just point our lives in the direction we want, make choices in line with that and then trust it’ll work out. Try not to go stir-crazy in your bedroom…that’s a tough isolation.

@Kkasxo. Hang in there m’dear. I know you especially love to be in control so I understand this is freaking you out big time. Try your best to sit with it, accept the things you can’t change and do the best about those you can. Talk to your friends and family as often as you can and stay connected, it’ll help. And scream on here as often as you like obviously 😉

@ CB. I’m sorry to hear about your shock breakup. Losing someone after 27 years of life together is literally that – a huge huge shock. It’s not just the loss of the relationship but everything that goes with it, your life routines, your joint friends, families etc. So much is shared and it’s a huge wrench to try to become yourself again. All I can say is if you got as far back as my “back-story” in this thread then , yes, absolutely it does get better. It takes time, effort and lots of back and forth. Times when you feel like you have progressed and others when you can feel just as lonely and scared as on the first day. But eventually, it does heal, if you let it. And you can be happy again, I’m living proof as are many others who have also shared their stories. But for now, it’s about dealing with the shock and trying to accept the change. All the usual things to help are more difficult with all the C-19 stuff but do your best to be active, talk with friends, take care of yourself.

@Sammy. Similar to CB, I’m sorry for the pain and shock you are going through right now. I remember it well. You sound like you have a very smart friend who knows you very well and from everything you have shared she sounds like she’s on the money. I know at the moment it isn’t what you want to hear – what you want is someone to assure you he will miss you, regret his choice, come back for you. Make it all ‘ok’ again. And wanting sympathy is absolutely fine, natural. It’s a cr@p thing to be going through and an especially difficult time with all the C-19 restrictions. But the thing is, it wasn’t all ok, it’s just going to be a long while until you can see that as right now it just hurts too damn bad.  Like so so many people on here, it wasn’t a healthy relationship and it wasn’t good for you. Yes, the drinking is a crutch already and I understand you want to blot out the pain.  You can survive this and you can choose which way you want to come out. Just do it slowly, one step at a time. Listen to your friend, reach out for help where you can. Take care – you will get it through and there’s a lot of support here for you to do so.

Thank you everyone I just wanted to let you know my friend got so worried about my state of mind she ignored the lockdown rules and sent her husband to pick me up. I’m currently with her and her husband and feel awful. The hangover tomorrow and withdrawal is going to be hell. I don’t want to put her through that and she’s risked her wellbeing for me. How pathetic am I? A grown adult unable to accept the truth. I passed a mirror in her hallway and stood momentarily and didnt even recognise myself in the reflection.

I just wanted to let you know, I don’t know if anyone was concerned but for now Im safe. Thank you for your love.

PS @Genie – Ha, mother hen indeed…….how old do you think I am 😉  Appreciated and understood though. It’s so good to hear you are working on showing Jay he is appreciated, reaching out to him and checking on him. It is very very easy to simply want to be looked after and kept safe – but that’s a parental type relationship. Real relationships are give/take and supporting each other when needed as you are doing. I hope he’s noticing the difference 🙂

@sammy we were all worried but glad you have such an amazing friend who would risk her own health to ensure your safety. It is going to take time for sure but like @michelle and @shelbyville said for now focus on  SURVIVING. The hangover today must be awful but you’re going to her through this

@michelle I didn’t mean your old..I assume your in your 40s if I’m wrong soooooo sorry! Some of my friends the same age as me also are very motherly and mature I’d call them mother hen too if that makes you feel any better. Yes I’m being thoughtful to Jay’s emotions and feelings. Initiating and he has noticed because he said he can’t wait to kiss me again whenever it is that we meet. I felt like a giddy teen. Something to look forward to 🙂

@CB oh chick I’m awfully sorry. If he hasn’t changed his mind over 3 months I’d let him go. You need to heal and ask what it is that hou can do to be happy without him. I don’t think there is anything I can say to make your loss less painful. Maybe he is right people do get stuck together for years and it becomes habitual. Unless both parties work together to keep the spark going and working at the relationship then it will disintegrate. I think you are most likely as is the case for all of us missing the routine, the added benefits of a relationship like companionship and having someone to talk about your day or worries…it’s why you feel lonely. You will find that again and it will be with someone who wouldn’t just walk away that easily. Right now join new activities or clubs and work on things you never got to do whilst in a partnership. Have fun and with passage of  time you will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix  xx

@CB I know this is the worst time to be going through a heartbreak. However flip it. Think if the positives what do you still have. Those things you feel he has stolen. Fight for them your son is both of yours. The in laws if they are good people will still keep you a part of their lives especially for their grandson sake. The friends who you shared are equally yours to keep so keep in touch via Skype, WhatsApp etc. Once the restrictions are lifted show him that you are your own person and will not be defeated or have everything stolen from you. He was cruel and selfish to walk away 3 months ago and his selfishness continues as after sharing 27 years with you he still didnt contact you at the minimum to make sure you are ok in these unprecedented times or wish you well. Shows his character. Not yours so it hurts, set yourself targets for what you want to do without him. I have found I’m very very anxious lately being away from my family. Worrying about my sister but I am channelling the concern into mini projects or tasks and sometimes I even blast music and shake off the nervous energy. Stupid but it works. Try exercise, maybe theres a stubborn part in your body you always wanted to lose. Do mindfulness activities for now work on calming the anxiety and not letting yourself believe all these people you shared with him will desert you too. Lots of love xx

@Genie.  No worries at all and yep, I am absolutely in my forties – it’s just that I’ve never really been the mother hen type, just like to help people and provide different perspectives. It’s really cool Jay has noticed the difference – that has to make you feel good. Especially the part about wanting to kiss you again – I hope you responded suitably enthusiastically….. 😉

@CB  Yeah, I get it. I lost almost my entire circle of friends too when I had my bad split. It’s a painful realisation when you work out you don’t have a life outside what you shared with your partner. It’s like on top of the huge betrayal and shock of losing the actual person, you’ve lost your entire life around them. To be honest, those first few months I was in no fit state to do all the “try new things, join clubs etc” stuff that makes sense later down the line – as/when we are allowed to start doing those kind of things. All I focused on was making my way through each day. Eating well and getting regular exercise. This last one I can’t emphasize strongly enough – there’s something about getting outside in nature and literally walking or running off the energy that helped keep me sane. If you are still allowed out where you are – try to do a walk each day and just breathe. Immerse yourself in the surroundings instead of staying in your head.   It also sounds like your best friend was his sister? Did I get that correct? You know, a lot of people do stay friends with their ex’s family. She doesn’t have to be off limits to you for support but don’t expect or ask her to ‘choose sides’. But if she’s willing to listen to you – that was what helped me the most, people who would simply listen as I shared how much it hurt. And obviously we’re all here for you on this forum where you can scream and share as much or as little as you want to. You take care, it’s a tough time for all and even tougher when you’re dealing with it on your own unexpectedly. But you will be ok and it will get better. It’s just baby steps all the way.