@Shelbyville
It’s all in harnessing your emotions and having more control of your mind. Not easy but I’m trying, I’m the only one with control to change the way I think. For example, before I was feeling what’s the point in living, no one will love me, so I took to the bottle to numb that pain. Now I’m thinking I’m gifted with life, it is up to me to love myself, I need to be brave and face my emotions, the fog is lifting the more I rebel against my critical negative voice, thinking more clearly and improving. Fingers crossed.

Completely understand not feeling as much which is why I asked, my relationship history is if I’m at a party my chemical reaction will always instinctively attract me to unavailable “bad boys”, the one’s who I feel an intense attraction to physically. I’ve done that too many times, all ended badly. The primal sexual attraction you sometimes feel for certain people can be misleading. Did you not feel enough sexual attraction with your friend?  It may help you piece together the way you react and break patterns that are leading to trouble and choosing people who short term are great but long term suck.

Actually, how have you stayed friends after dating? Have you seen When Harry met Sally? Be careful, men are not like women. Us women only stay friends to keep you as a fallback or because we care enough but men are always looking for the opportunity to swoop in he may really want you, either for a sexual encounter or you are his fallback too, be wary that’s why he is being a better friend now. What has he said about your new situation?

So you mentioned your gut for not pursuing your friend. What is your gut saying about the new guy? You mentioned imagined potential which is why Tim and I said earlier be wary of the initial phase where infatuation causes you to create ideals in your head and when the fireworks and chemicals settle down the real version comes to the fore. I really think there is a reason you go for people who are lukewarm towards you over people who are fully available. Look into it with your therapist.

So you said you are unsure why he has changed, It could be one of two things;

1) Game player – men and women both do this to control, manipulate, or gain power. People can lie a lot in the initial chase to get what they want especially if they are players and not being authentic. Also, it may be with the aim to get you into bed. An authentic person will pretty much remain consistent. You see this hot/cold act by him could be game playing.
2) He had a genuine interest in the courting phase based on sexual attraction but over time it has dwindled or he is now bored and just not that into you. The more he learns the less into you he is. It happens. Just not for you.

You’ve only ever had one relationship – your ex? Since then you haven’t been alone, have you? Wow! Let me know if you want to hear my expansion on that.

If you really can’t walk away even though you are smart enough to know you really do deserve someone who wants to give you attention and time. This person is controlling the pace and making it clear it is CASUAL. If you want the imagined potential, LTR you are setting yourself up for major heartbreak the longer you stay. The chances of this becoming more are slim. This person who seemingly declared LTR intentions has done a U-turn, he will keep you around for as long as he needs, giving you just enough but not all. If he really was wowed he would be moving towards spending more time, more effort, etc. So he might be bored, might be using you as a backup option, might be a selfish and weak person and scared to break up knowing you have shown intent and doesn’t want to end things, wants you to do that so he can save face and not be the bad guy. Try sending a flirty text to see if he bites if not then he really has lost all interest and is keeping you around for something else.

Or the mature thing would be to communicate and just ask directly, say look I’m looking for a long term relationship with someone, I thought we had potential, we have spent enough time in each other’s company to decide whether we should give it a real go. Where is your head at? along those lines, if he insists on keeping it casual then there’s your answer.

@Shelbyville How are you doing? Did you have a good weekend and has your anxiety lessened and things improved?

@Lucie I don’t know why but I assumed you were much younger, thank you for the lovely thoughts. You are more than your past. Although I can not relate entirely I am happy to talk or listen. You have a wise head as Tim would say keep pushing through. There is hope.

@Tim Hope you are coping ok, miss corresponding 🙁

Thank you @Shelbyville, I needed to hear some positive boost today. I am feeling run down and haven’t been able to do my now regular runs so my routine feels amiss and obviously that throws me when I do not have a rigid structure. I think because I feel poorly I miss him today, having someone there to make me feel better or that attention. I don’t want to be with him anymore so that is something. I am proud of myself for powering through but today I just feel bleurgh all around.

I’m really glad to hear you had what sounds like a fantastic weekend. Wow, that’s a turn of events! Definitely sounds like a massive miscommunication or you have allowed your fear to skew your interpretation of your situations. He seems to be spending a lot of his prime time – weekends, with you. To be fair to him he has been upfront and stated it is currently casual and it is up to you to accept that and let go of any other expectations, relax and enjoy the ride whatever it may be and it may just blossom.

Maybe this weekend allow him to come to you, allow him to put in the leg work, and plan something. You deserve to be made to feel special especially when in the early phases of dating.

The anxiety is obviously arising because in your gut you know he is filling a need but not the right fit for you or you want to be exclusive which will give you reassurance and not having had confirmation means that when you are not in his physical company you get anxious and think of all the negative possibilities. If you had self-worth then all this would disappear you wouldn’t use people for voids and you would also not be worried about the outcome because you would know if he doesn’t accept you for who you are you deserve better.

Now your weekends are becoming more regular did you discuss where it is heading or did you not feel the need to? Can you accept being casual and him enjoying intimacy with you with the possibility it may end? Or do you feel the more intimate you are the more attached you will become? Weigh it up based on your past relationships, you will know what makes you become attached. It appears physical intimacy does so tread carefully. Because if the scenario is this person views you as Miss Right Now and is enjoying all it encompasses rather than seeing you as Mrs. Right will all this investment damage you when there may have been red flags.

All you can really do if you want to take the risk is not self-sabotage or that will just heighten everything, try and remember we all have fluctuating emotions, individual stressors, some more than others. You know how just being a woman is an emotional rollercoaster. The time of the month alone can make us crazy a week before and during! So cut him some slack when he appears “cold”, men may have their own time of their month too.  No one is going to be 100% lovey-dovey 24/7. Manage your expectations or communicate what you need if you want a serious relationship. See how he acts if his actions are showing he cares and wants to put forth the effort that is a positive baby step forward.

We can only comment based on how much information we have from your posts, so try and assess your situation objectively don’t be naive either by dismissing your own needs in hope of appeasing or convincing him to commit. It never ends well. Further down the line, it will all seep out. If you feel incompatibility deep down in having your needs met then pay attention to that. Don’t cling to anyone. Remember we are sent lessons until we learn.

I can’t imagine what it must be like having anxiety and not being able to distinguish what is your gut and what is fear/self-sabotage. I’m not surprised you are exhausted. What did your gut feel with the ex? Did it turn out right? Is your gut sound? Or do you need to learn to use a different approach a combination of gut, heart, and mind?

I do think based on what has happened compared to what you were thinking all week you may have become accustomed to allowing Martha to dictate the show post ex.

As I grow and learn I realise a lot of my anger I have directed at other men instead of the ex. I noticed a lot of questions I ask about your guy friend you dismiss, I ask because after reading your posts I realised you met in Aug last year and during the lockdown, you thought you had feelings. That says a lot about him for you to keep him around. So I want to apologise, I’m sorry for insinuating your guy friend is only friends with you because he wants to bed you. I shouldn’t slander someone’s character when I know so little and should remain fair. One thing for certain is you have consistently said he is good and described him in that light and how he supported you. If anything the situation could be entirely different in his view as you did meet him last summer whilst still in love with your ex and mentioned you were sneaky with him so given some of your behavior recently to do with self-worth and attachment you may have used him and he felt that?  So two sides to the story. So from now on, I will try to give both sides equal expression rather than assume every guy is a turd. This will be more helpful for your own character growth too.

I do feel I need the same too. If I make a mistake about the new guy please correct me or if I’m coming across as anti-men. I want to build my character in more ways than one.

Hello Shelbyville

I’m reading your posts, also Sammy’s, because I also had a break up recently and I actually feel some of the same feelings and understand you.

I’ve been reading your latest post. I Know it’s always easier being objective when it’s about others.. I’m probably pretty subjective about my own problems and delusional..

However reading your post.. First you say: “now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.”

And then after a few sentences you say: “But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. “

Do you really want to give  proper go to someone who doesn’t make you feel like you want to?

I understand you, because I’ve just been in similar situation.. I was really frustrated and angry and unsatisfied at my ex behaviour for 2 months.. But I wanted to continue, to fix it. People tell me that’s not how it happens… That if something goes that bad there’s no fixing, especially not if the other side doesn’t try too. And you already had some talks.

Also I understand when you said he doesn’t want to talk on phone.. My ex didn’t either. He didn’t want to talk on phone, in public, before travels, before his birthday… So ask yourself, is that just an excuse he always uses, because he just doesn’t want to talk and isn’t ready for something serious or commitnent. And if that’s the case, it’s about him, not you.

@Shelbyville

Mother nature has visited, definitely not pregnant. It was impossible but somehow I wanted to be. I know I wouldn’t enjoy runs whilst I’m suffering!! I thought you can’t go out when self-isolating? I live in the city so would bump into people, my neighbour is also a curtain twitcher and tattle tale so I can’t be dealing with that crap or being fined! I have work to do from home but don’t feel as productive when I’m under the weather. I lay there staring at the ceiling and just think think and think! Not great for me currently.

To distract myself, I completed reading your whole thread today! You’ve helped loads of people but have you really loved and helped yourself?

Just my POV and food for thought, I think there could be some unresolved emotions you have not dealt with about ex, self-worth, and attachment issues. This week will be 2 years since you broke up properly from the ex. First of all CONGRATS, you survived! Be proud.

Now for some real analysis – could be off, but it appears before that third reunion attempt you jumped into a few dates in Jan 19 realised you wanted another try with the ex, 3rd attempt happened in March-May but ended for good. The resentment comment by the ex spurred you to move forward three months on in Aug where there is no way you would have been emotionally available, I’m not after 6 months. You met your poor guy friend who appears to have got caught in the crossfire of your emotions. He definitely sparked something in you to attempt dating properly, he helped you up too and it appears you may have used him, I don’t know if that was intentionally/unintentionally but it would explain his unreliable behaviour towards you when you became just friends. That must have been painful, I do hope you did not lead him on to fill a need because you mentioned you felt sneaky. During quarantine when most relationships were breaking, without his presence, you began to feel something more but I’m guessing something happened between you two as you said the lines were drawn. You then discovered your ex has definitely moved on over an app and shortly after the guy friend and ex news you started casually dating two people, guy 1 you didn’t even like much but cried over. Guy 2 you don’t appear to be getting your needs met fully but you are clinging for a reason only known to you. You have pretty much been nonstop in/out of relationships since ex, most likely to feel loved, it wouldn’t surprise me if you had back up options lined up when things went south with one of the new people you were dating. If this insight holds any truth then I’d say step back and recentre yourself. Ask yourself if the ex miraculously had a change of heart and came back right now, what would you really do? Your words were few weeks back;
“As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, I now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off”

The reason being single is important is because you can’t know who you are if you’re constantly with someone. You can’t really appreciate the lessons and have proper emotional closure from your previous relationship if you’re almost immediately sliding into a new one. Old wounds never heal this way. You may have acceptance but you don’t have all the other things in line to be in a healthy relationship yet. If you continue as you are you’ll get hurt or you’ll hurt others unknowingly.

IF THE ABOVE IS ENTIRELY INCORRECT then ignore BUT IT IS MY HONEST THOUGHTS BASED ON WHAT I READ.

Back to right now, I think because you are not self-confident, it comes across as you will settle for less than you deserve. Probably the most harmful thing about being in a relationship where you don’t know what you want is that it makes you passive. If you were confident and knew exactly what your needs/wants were you’d assert them. It is why you probably get caught up in a ball of anxiety because there’s a conflict there and a huge part of you seeking validation.

You owe it to yourself foremost and to your partner to be intentional about your decisions. It’s not worth staying in a relationship just for comfort’s sake or because you are afraid of being alone. You kind of already know you are dissatisfied but keep uttering I’m not strong enough to walk away. What scares you about standing up for yourself at least?

Your ex you knew for years so can’t compare him to the new guy, it would be unfair. Shouldn’t really compare anyone to be fair. You judge people by their actions. Does this person make me feel special? How much effort is he putting in to meet me halfway? Is he consistent?

The more details you are revealing it does appear it may possibly be that he suffers from low self-worth/insecurities or depression.

Long-lasting sadness or irritability – with work
High and low moods – sometimes excited by you sometimes not (hot/cold)
Social withdrawal – sleep and music
Inability to feel pleasure or take interest in activities – needs a jolt from a horror film

Although you may be getting just enough now in his presence you really need to weigh up if you suffering anxiety and him possibly depression/insecurity issues is a good mix long term. If it is healthy? You require a lot of support yourself. Two broken people either fit together perfectly or destroy each other beyond repair.

All this conjecture, you are the only two people who know exactly what is happening, so the only way to find out is to talk it out. Communicate! Ask without being reserved or scared of the answer. The more you talk about things with substance instead of general chit chat over the phone, the more you’ll discover. It shouldn’t be this hard. x