@Shelbyville

You’re welcome, I did read all this thread not so long ago from the very beginning and have a photographic memory. So I  remembered Kkasxo in Oct and yours in Dec.  Everyone else hasn’t stated theirs but I’d be happy to recall anyone else’s special day, everyone deserves a birthday wish ❤

I did want to ask you about your insight and journey on where you are at because you are further down the line now and I look forward to getting to that place too one day soon…

I feel with Covid, I’m suspended in limbo. I don’t think it’s a great time to seek out a relationship because everyone’s just feeling lonely, bored and looking for comfort. I want to find my lasting love! Happy to take my time and grow first.

I actually said goodbye to my ex forever, it kind of brought all the feelings up again. I had previously told him lets take a year apart, date others and see where we end up but I felt I was giving hope to both of us when in my heart, mind and gut.. I knew I was holding on because of the co dependency and familiarity but I knew it wasn’t healthy after the amount of times we had tried, too much water under the bridge to start afresh. So I told him it’s completely done. I changed my number, removed any mutual friends from my socials and I have moved back to my parents and just focusing on me and WFH. Any attempts by him I will not entertain.

I needed that unconditional support and love so I didn’t slip into old patterns – alcohol!! So it’s been good being with my family, although I don’t forsee me staying with them for too long, I do actually like my independence it seems.

Anyway how exciting – a suite!!!!!! Someone’s going to be busy this weekend with a whole load of lurvvvving! What did he buy you? How’s things with your fav sister and family did they put feelings aside to spoil you too?

You’ve come a long long way, I’m so happy you are being treated in the way you deserve. Having read all this thread you do know your guy friend you also projected the exact same so obviously it’s old patterns! I recall you saying you thought he was in “puppy love” yet he made you feel golden, had a lot of emotional understanding for you. That was a person who too expressed what he saw in you but you obviously let your own self doubts and low self esteem sabotage that it seems.

If you let your fears and neediness take over you’ll cause your BF to feel overburdened and resentment will kick in because he’ll feel whatever he does is not enough. You’ll leave him feeling worse about himself and then wanting an out. It doesn’t mean the love is not real it just means the person has a strong self esteem to know in a relationship they deserve to feel good too and if it’s not being offered to cut losses.

Don’t let your mind do it again and again- you will sabotage all your opportunities of happiness! Just accept the moment for what it is. You are being loved, you deserve that and you should let it develop without fear. Real love is a risk a 50/50 one. Sometimes it works out but sometimes it doesn’t. But putting your heart on the line, being vulnerable is part of actually letting any love in and allowing it to grow. Don’t focus on is he going to get bored and leave me eventually – your self esteem should be strong enough that you personally focus on what you need and give your best self to someone else. That you never cling or want to stay in a relationship where you are not wanted and loved.

Focus on things like, does this person actually cater to my needs, are our values aligned, is he someone who accepts my flaws, all the type of questions Tim and Danny asked of their partners. Is he someone who is self aware and capable of growing in the long term nourishing a strong relationship with me once the lusty honeymoon phase wears off.

Do you feel your BF accepts and is understanding of your anxiety, panic attacks being part of you as you can’t get rid of it. It will be with you long term so he needs to accept it.

If the answer is YES then you’ve found someone worthwhile risking it for!

Do you now at least feel you did deserve better than your ex and your current relationship isn’t a passive choice because you were forced to move on?

I feel happier for setting myself free from my ex, i thought I’d never be strong enough but I was and it hurt all over again but I’m feeling stronger now for doing it. I’m proud of myself.

However, there is that niggling fear in my mind that I’ll never find the type of relationship or connection I feel I really deserve i.e. the one Tim and Danny have with someone who really gets them for who they are and wants to grow with me. Just need to be optimistic for whatever the future holds.

Btw, I don’t want to come across as jealous  because Tim and Danny I’m really so glad you both have found something special. I just after hearing it really want the same. To feel understood and safe that my partner accepts me. I guess I want the type of love I gave my ex. Wholehearted and unconditional.

@Kkasxo I’m glad to read you are choosing YOU. You are incredibly special and the right guy when the timing is right will come in and put a ring on it. You have self awareness, depth, courage and an abundance of love so well done on doing what will lead to a more fulfilling life! Growth is painful but so worth it x

@Shelbyville just from my wealth of experience when a person over expresses I love you, it usually is stemming from insecurity. This is called excessive reassurance-seeking. I had a girlfriend that was very insecure and said I love you a lot to get reassurance from me and it was lovely to hear at first but it got tedious and festered into resentment. I’m as you know a pretty sensitive and emotional man too, but I am also of the opinion if you say it too much, it devalues the meaning. Which is why I advised @Danny even if he is feeling it to wait and just prove his love through his actions. Once he is 100% sure to say the words as it should signify that you are commiting to honour those words.

99% of the time it is insecurity but there’s a 1% you might want to consider love languages. Either way if it is making you feel weirded out then you need to address it.

If I think back to my first relationship where I needed reassurance from her I would end up being the one who said ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ far too often and it was coming from feeling insecure in the relationship and ultimately it ended.

When I got back with my current partner although previously, I had a lot of self doubts about whether I deserved her etc. I worked hard on my own self worth and conquering my fears. When I entered the relationship with intent, the remnants of those fears completely evaporated especially when we exchanged ‘I love you.’ There’s no neediness or reassurance required, there’s a security thats how I know I’m really loved and in love.

@Sammy

I’ll be honoured to be your virtual big bro too! I’m so proud of the work you have undertaken and where you are in your journey. Letting go of something that has become so familiar is the hardest but it pushes you to get out of your comfort zone and will lead to you growing and excelling.

This feeling of limbo is common after a major break up or life change and you need to embrace it rather than make an impulsive decision. Not knowing where you are headed next need not be scary, utilise this time to gain knowledge or attain a goal you always put off. Be proactive, bit by bit you’ll notice the movement and naturally find your new path.

I know you are not jealous and I know you will find your person. You’re incredibly smart and self aware. The improvements you are making can only lead to you attracting better. So don’t give up hope, neither should you define happiness as being in a relationship. There’s many other ways to feel content in life and those with a strong self of self and high worth achieve it by being content with themselves foremost.

Plum is growing quickly, Covid-19 has dampened the experience. Unable to attend a lot of the appointments with my partner but grateful nonetheless.

I’m very proud Sammy that you’ve turned around your life essentially on your own. It took me a whole load of therapy and guidance to see the light and beat my addictions. So your strength is incredible. Stay away from the booze and you’ll thrive!

@Danny I’m glad my experience has helped however I feel I should put a reminder out there (@Sammy @Shelbyville @Lucie @Kkasxo ) that you are all very smart which is why I post and know you don’t hang on my every word. Instead you absorb what is applicable and reflect on an alternative perspective. My posts are to offer a viewpoint from the wealth of experience I’ve gained. I’m not a professional so it’s important if you need that help you do not substitute my anecdotal experience or life advice from that of a professional.

To answer your question, you will ultimately do what feels right to you that’s human nature.

I advised you to wait to say the words because ‘B’ seriously based on your posts comes across as a wonderful high quality partner, so to rush in and then go back on your commitment would be incredibly hurtful to someone who has clearly stood by you through a very rough period and gave you the momentum to make better life choices. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt again and I’m proud to read how you’ve approached this entire situation.

You’ve come a long way from that ‘butthurt dick’ you thought you needed to be and developed into a young insightful man.

You’ve shown courage in reaching out to ‘B’ and taking accountabilty in person. Facing your mistakes head on is hard.

You’ve shown restraint in your sexual desires another sign of maturing. I know this is not easy but indicates self control and regulation of emotions and you are being respectful whilst exhibiting patience.

All of your actions will be reflecting back your growth to her and I would be highly surprised given she’s introducing you to her family if she isn’t in love with you too. To be honest to take you back shows the depth of her heart.

You’ve worked on your own self doubts and I think it is obvious you entered this new chapter with the right intent. It wasn’t to make yourself feel better, it wasn’t to feed your ego, it wasn’t distraction or to get the notch etc like you have done in the past. It was to form a long term union with a wonderful woman.

You’ve demonstrated transparency and are communicating all your feelings even if they are negative with ‘B’ this is vulnerability. Forming an emotional connection with someone and feeling ease in their presence when doing so is a difficult connection to find. She clearly has a lot of emotional understanding. That is something which you need. This type of connection will just make your relationship stronger and when you eventually do the deed you’ll realise the benefits of it.

If you genuinely feel she is the one then it is never too soon to say I love you. I firmly believe you do and are ready to commit for the long haul.

The fact your doubts have disappeared and you’ve noticed the positive aura and effect she is having in your life is telling. It is true love and what I felt with my partner. My partner added happiness and that seeped into all areas of my life too. Improved my productivity, lowered my stress, improved my mental health etc.

Most people seek out just the spark or butterflies but that phase is transient and you’ll only ever experience a shallow feeling of being in a state of love looking for that.

What you have with ‘B’ is special. So my advice if 2020 has taught us anything is, never take anything for granted.

If you have the type of person you describe ‘B’ as tell her you love her and marry her mate! Over Christmas meet her parents and ask her father. If she holds old fashioned views and is classy, her parents will only respect you more for asking for her hand sooner than later.

I’m incredibly happy for you Danny, I really sense you love her a lot.

@Sammy I’m ever so proud of you. Wherever you end up in life, I know you will grasp it and find happiness. Keep up the hard work and you’ll prosper baby sis!

I will definitely book a 3D scan as part of a Christmas gift for my OH. A fantastic suggestion! Just some further news to share, I couldn’t be happier as we’ve decided to tie the knot in a small civil ceremony. Once the baby arrives we will organise a bigger wedding for family and friends (Covid permitting) and have a babymoon!!

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed posting my advice and life experience and I hope you were all able to benefit. I hope I’m proof to you ladies men do grow up, I hope I’ve inspired those who have spiralled to never stop the work in progress because it all leads to strength and success. To @Danny I hope you realise with intent and focus it is possible to realise our innermost desires of being with someone who equally loves, supports and cherishes us. You’re a man now and I have faith you will be just fine!

Reading all your journeys has been amazing and I feel you all will lead fulfilling lives as long as you continue to grow.

I will no longer be posting, I just don’t have the time with the major changes.

I wish you all the best @Sammy @Danny @Lucie @Shelbyville @Kkasxo

Thank you for welcoming and allowing me to post in this thread @Shelbyville in turn I hope its helped you and many more.

Hi @Shelbyville

So good to hear from you! I’m looking forward to Xmas, I am also starting to feel better tuning out! Something I really struggled with and it would get my back up not having something to focus on. I’m learning to appreciate the stillness and quiet.

My parents have fields near to them so we’ve been going for long walks at lunch and I love it even when getting my shoes mucky in mud! Nature makes me feel serene. I think I know what I want for Xmas pair of Hunter wellies!! Getting old.

Your job is really stressing you out isn’t it?😬 I think you need to decide if you can cope with a pay cut and doing something less pressured. Do your anti anxiety tablets still work?

I do wonder Shelby, who is prioritising you?

You’re like me constantly over extending but as much as we love to do anything for the ones we care for, eventually it leads to burnout. For me that led to me feeling so isolated even though I was surrounded by so many people who loved me, but they didn’t quite understand what I needed. That’s why having someone who really gets your needs without diminishing your feelings is so important. It really steadies you when you really really need it. The right person makes the chaos around you quieten and not feel overwhelming, in turn giving birth to productivity and positivity like it has done for Tim and Danny.

Have you considered moving in together with your BF permanently? You seemed happier when you were WFH at his place. Has this changed now, because you mentioned distance? I mean do you see this relationship as being the one and long term, because if you do have you considered discussing financial stuff, I would want my partner to see I’m struggling and offer some solutions…

Family is a tough one because they really do always have your back when the shit hits the fan so you always will feel obligated. Just do it in baby steps, don’t pull back on what you normally do completely, communicate, don’t over extend but compromise as they are family.

Friends at the end of day understand life changes with new careers, moves, relationships and responsibilities. The good friends understand the ebbs and flows and will always be there. Those who stop caring because you’re swamped are shit friends, The real ones even after months pass will still care and still check in. So hold onto those in your inner circle and always return the loyalty and care down the road when you can. IOU’s!!

The birthday texts with exes are difficult!! I discussed this with my wise friend, concluded and believe this now, if you have an agreement or are friends and keeping in regular contact then it is normal and given. If not, then the mature thing and reflection of an emotionally intelligent person is to say nothing.

Because there’s usually two reasons really to still say it when you’re not actual friends;

1) ego boosting/narcissistic- Oh I’ve moved on and I’m so unbothered I can take the high ground by showing how “nice” I am/I still believe I have an effect on you.

2) Underlying reason – you want it to lead to more (even though i love wishing hbd to anyone, when it came to my ex I too had other reasons😳) but I think it is lame sending a HBD text if you want to reunite, it is so lazy!!

Does he know you’re in a new relationship? He might be jealous now? Didn’t Tim’s ex start to text more frequently when he finally started to move on?

At the end of the day if you were the “rejected” one, I think the respectful and greatest gift is to just let your ex enjoy their special day the way they wanted to — without you! Otherwise you’d still be together or a friend.

It’s coming through for yourself, a high value person would reason if your ex didn’t appreciate and value you enough to be with you, they shouldn’t be blessed with your giving, they should lose that benefit! You should extend the giving only to those who do value you just like @Danny ‘s ‘B’ did. She cared a lot still but came through for herself! That takes a lot of strength and self love!!

“ I used to go out with that, ok” this really made me laugh 😆 😂 🤣  the anger is palpable in that statement lol. I do hope that’s you referring to him and not yourself ??????????

Even though it’s taken 2 years I’m glad to read you’ve moved on! I don’t have the patience of serving half the length of my relationship as a sentence lol. I want to grow, heal and love myself enough to be ready for the right one and not push him away by allowing my ex to have further power over me. It’s been 9 months too long already!! Going to leave 2020 where it belongs somewhere deep in the abyss!!!!