@Jay2023 Damn I was meant to press reply and ended up clicking report. I do apologise. @Sammy will have a field day!

Are you sure it’s nothing like work, financial or other stress contributing?

If it is just the picture update. Don’t be so hard on yourself, people make far worse mistakes. Resolve not to be sucked back in. She doesn’t care about you mate if she is selfish enough to insert herself both figuratively and literally to meet her needs whilst having no emotional awareness of the impact it could have on you by using you as a crutch and sex.

If her relationship has gone pear shaped and she doesn’t have option 1,2,3 lined up don’t be surprised if she comes around again to her “safe bet” – you. But build your self worth and esteem to know better this time. That’s the only bombshell left so if you prepare mentally you’ll be ready. Sammy is far too empathetic about her in this situation in my opinion, I honestly think being a guy myself your memories are clouded by the physical aspect you enjoyed, I understand that entirely and getting hooked!

What you’ll understand in your own time is if this woman had shown you support, uplifted you during difficulties,  shown kindness and care (like you did for her) then finding it difficult to cut all ties is expected because you grow to care about the person. Naturally you want to remain a part of their life in some form. But she only appears to want to be in your life for the selfish reasons. Keep reminding and drilling that fact home.

Outdoor restaurants are open, go for a meal, do some shopping and plan activities to keep tou stimulated. Talk to other people, reconnect with friends you’ve not seen or spoken because of the pandemic, the loneliness will only grow if you isolate yourself or become introverted. Reach out to people yourself, it doesn’t have to always be the other way around. You’ll see positive changes before you know it.

Hi @Jay2023 

So now that I have more time, I thought I’d respond properly. 

The memories! How we cling to that wistful perspective. We can be our own worst enemy. We create an idealised version of the person. In reality what we actually had was not what we imagined. It’s confronting that truth that is hard. I have one question; were you 100% real and authentic with her? 

If no, then that’s a red flag there, your emotional connection was never there. The trust and vulnerability you need for a successful relationship was lacking. 

If yes, then the hard truth is you were not accepted or else she would choose to be with you. A person who sees all of you, your flaws and still chooses you is one who is worthy of your time, attention and love. Thats what your standards should be. 

Don’t worry about filling your weekends, firstly unexpectedly things come up and sometimes learning to be okay with the silence and by yourself is just as important. It’s times like this the emotions that have been brewing inside can come to the forefront. This I know can be confronting. Who wants to face the hard truths, the critic, the sadness etc but it is an opportunity to finally pass through this wave of emotions rather than be suppressed. 

Learning to cope with your emotions is incredibly important for your long term mental health and ability to form healthy relationship connections. You mentioned to Danny you feel anxious but you’re unsure. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as we think. Like when you’re angry with someone you’ll get hot and red. But if there’s a certain inner struggle or unconscious reaction happening, you will feel anxious the only way to deal with it is to try and identify its source. 

When I used to get a negative emotional feeling, I’d sit and try to label it, where’s it coming from sometimes certain emotions manifest as a body pain or ailment. I’d write reasons for why i may be feeling it. Then I would express it sometimes that meant doing the hard thing and talking to someone. Sometimes it meant confronting the truth and the person. 

Then I learned power of exercise to expel negative energy or excess energy and meditation to calm and find inner peace. It can help with the lack of sexual stimulation too. Have you considered incorporating both in a structural routine? I know you’re not spiritual but it may help to feed the soul. 

I learned techniques to change the train of thought from negative to positive. Reframing. If you do it consistently you’ll reap the rewards. 

Danny is right, sometimes we have to be brave enough to focus our attention on other connections. Do not be afraid to reach out yourself. To be frank romantic connections aren’t the only ones that matter, you know! 

As humans we are sociable creatures we need connection. To connect with meaning, you have to practice being vulnerable and sharing your real self with those you can trust. You may already have lots of friends or acquaintances but often they never really see the deeper feelings or wounds or you. So maybe you should focus on connecting with someone who you can be 100% you with, this is hard to find i know but seeking to share a bond that goes beneath the surface can be powerful for healing and growth. Maybe that’s all you need right now. To explore who you really are, where you want to go, to talk to someone about your concerns and not feel alien, to lean on someone. If you reciprocate you can form a unique connection.

Later who knows? They often say date your best friend. As I get older I realise relationships based on a strong foundation of friendship are incredible. If your connection ends up being with a female and you develop romantic attraction then you’ve hit the jackpot. If not you’ve still won because you have a connection that most crave! 

Just to add you found the week challenging mentally. But did you reflect on the fact you have survived, you didn’t crumble. You made it through. So well done! You’re progressing without even realising. Try that exercise Danny posted. It might help clarify the memories you miss were incomplete and you can have the full picture in time after healing and growth.

@Jay2023 lovely to read you’ve really enjoyed the sunshine today and great job – staying sober! Do you live near the seafront? You’re so lucky! I love the water! I had a lovely chilled bbq today in my new garden with my bestie, her partner and my bf. The weather really does uplift you,it’s a shame it’s 95% time miserable here in the UK. 

Thanks for appreciating the previous post, I did take time to really think about what may help you. I hope the methods I used prove useful in some way and like you said food for thought on finding a different connection and meditation. 

One thing I have picked up on in your recent post and previously too is that you mention “power”. It strikes me as if you feel the need after rejection, to play games. Danny and Tim both went this way and if you’ve read their posts you’ll notice there was a lot of collateral. 

I can just imagine that you’ve read a lot of rubbish dating advice out there that encourages power play moves to keep the attraction or “protect yourself”. But if you believe in yourself and know what you deserve and want there’s never a need to do this. 

Correct me if I’m wrong I feel you’d now wait x amount of time to reply or give people the silent treatment, ignore or leave someone on read to act disinterested or passive aggressive rather than be authentic to your real feelings. 

Doing something to achieve a certain reaction no matter how we dress it is manipulative. I’ve done my own version too played hard to get, make a guy jealous, ignore his messages in order to prove a point in the past. I’ll openly admit it was immature and selfish. 

Playing these relationships games often happens when we are seeking something—such as control, validation, ego boost, sex, emotional soothing. 

It will not lead to a healthy partnership whatsoever. It just drives people away. You miss out on meaningful relationships. 

Mature adult relationships entail having open honest communication, vulnerability and being authentic about your needs and wants. 

Guess what, the sad truth is a majority were never taught or never had an innate ability, so lack emotional intelligence. 

Instead of learning to communicate, empathise. They stonewall, act passive aggressive etc. instead of dealing and verbalising their actual feelings be it negative or positive. 

An example one of my closest friends is stunning girl, great job. A guys dream catch especially with her libido. But all her relationships have ended because at first the men felt on cloud nine with the regular great sex but then realised when she was upset or emotional she would use sex as an outlet instead of dealing with the emotions and working through them, creating an emotional bond and trust so they all ended up feeling like a means to an end. The relationship ended. 

Most people don’t know who they are, let alone what they want or feel. They’re not even ready or try to find happiness in someone else. Consequently attracting drama filled volatile relationships because the lack of emotional regulation becomes norm. 

One key thing to remember is if a person doesn’t like you when you’ve been fully authentic then you have to be so self assured, that you walk away. That’s when you have true power. 

So I really hope you bypass the typical immature route that Tim or Danny found themselves going down and really reflect on what I wrote there. Don’t mean to lecture you or condescend but it’s something I felt a lot of people but especially men need to hear. 

Back to your other points, yes occupying the brain will definitely help reduce the rumination. So keep active! CBT will do wonders too hopefully. When do you get your session? 

I’m liking your positive spirit onwards and upwards for sure! Focus on that goal. 

Thank you for the advice about the present. I too thought a gift would be nice. Showing you care about someone should be well received but sometimes it isn’t. I have been in situations where I’ve done something with the best of intentions and when it is not received well I can’t help but get a little upset. So I’m wary of going against someone’s wishes. It’s always so difficult. This is one of those occasions where my overthinking can get me frustrated. 

Anyway let’s shift the focus to if I did get him something, what do you suggest? I struggle with gifts for men all you like is gaming and beer! What are some thoughtful presents you’ve received that have touched you? Any help would be welcomed! And why do you hate receiving presents is it a male thing?

@Jay2023  I read your posts, and it seems to me I feel really similar on some points. I also don’t remember when was the last times I completley got over someone unless I meet someone else that got me interested.
Even before relationships, I had crushes, until I met my nex crus. I’m not sure if this is normal? However there are people who feel like this, we are not the only ones.

Actually, now, being single 10 monts, which is the most since I’ve been 23, I’m starting to get over my ex. Not completley, though. And I am chatting with someone else, so maybe that’s contributing. However, if I saw a pic of my ex with someone else, it would affect me, I know that.

I guess there are people who always think that they can find someone better in relationships, and people like me, who are afraid they won’t find anyone better.. until they do. And I had low self confidence through my 20s. I don’t anymore, but now I project another problem – I know I am handsome enough and smart, and there are definitely guys who would like me, but I feel like there’s noboy here. And there was not many people I’ve meet in those last months. It’s like I always find a problem in my mind. First, I thought I was not handsome enough, now there are no guys my age who I like that are single.

Also, I understand when you say ” I just feel like nothing is moving along for me at the moment and I know I have to be patient as these things take time”. I have that feeling still. I was sad for months, I cried almost every day. I don’t know. But I don’t have that “joie de vivre”. I’m kind of bored. Yes, I have friends and nice time with them, but them weekends or vacarions come, and friends go on trips with their partners, and I’m sitting at home. So iI tell my friends I have to be patient and better times will come. Summer is coming and I love summer, but I don’t know who will I even be able to go to beach with. I’m not mad mat my friends, not at all, I think they have right to do what makes them happy, and I would do similar probably, in their position. At least maybe before I experienced this myself, bein last one single during the pandemic. Now, I think I know it’s so hard, so if one of my friends broke up, I would go out with her sometims probably, because now I know how hard it is.

I know people will tell me I shoudl be happy whether in relationship or not.. But I guess my biggest fear is being alone. And I’ve been already alone a lot, even in my previous relationships. Yes, we are all going to get alone eventually, when we get old, even if we have families. But I don’t want to spend big part of my life alone. The thought of going to work and coming in a empty home in my 40s scares me.

@Jay2023

I’m glad you’re receptive. I’m even more glad that you seem like you wouldn’t change your natural kind nature to be a “bad boy” to attract the opposite gender like Tim and Danny thought. The hot and cold, the leaving texts on read,  stonewalling etc. have the desired effect but it leads to toxicity and is immaturity. In the end if the values and intentions are not aligned people get hurt.

Keep being authentic. Emotional vulnerability can never be a passion killer, if anything it brings you closer knowing each others fears etc, to be a best friend and lover and find that in your partner is amazing. So do keep looking for that. Your partner that fits, would appreciate your exact needs and wants. There’s no point looking for someone who doesn’t support you, doesn’t understand your anxiety or dislikes attentiveness if that’s who you are.

I think given you had an emotional bond as you said and were physical, the fact as a woman she still didn’t fall for you (because you offered what any great stable woman would want) indicates a major element was missing for her or she had no intention of ever pursuing it as a long term and just used you.

Thank you for the advice on the presents. Its so difficult as I haven’t known him intimately for long but known of him as my besties bro. So I know his general likes and dislikes but not quite figured out any hidden things that would be special to him, i’m struggling, what kind of personalised things? Any suggestions that have been a winner for you.

Like you I love to give. It makes me so happy but I equally would like to be spoilt too lol not out of obligation but its just nice. It is always rare for someone to go above and beyond but my new bf is very giving unlike my ex who would be terrible!

Have you considered going privately for therapy. If you want to speed up the healing. I can imagine the waiting list will be very long.

So lucky you have a beach to hand! Enjoy the weather and outdoors it’s been great!

How are you feeling? Its a new week. Do the mental burdens of  last week feel further away?

Hi Sammy, I’m feeling a lot better today and have renewed sense of strength within, I’ve not been focusing so much on the past but trying to think positively about the future, I’ll ride the wave as long I can lol.

I would never change my core values, I’m very proud of how I am, I know my qualities and there is definitely someone out there who would appreciate them, it’s just a shame I’ve ended up being hurt by someone who didn’t value them when I cared so much for them, and yes I really do want to meet someone who accepts me for who I am and understands my issues and wants to support me and help me grow, as it stands I’m doing that by myself which I’m starting to feel good about.

I will wait for the availability of a therapist, I might as well rather than pay for the service, I don’t think I need it desperately as I am coping but will benefit once it becomes available.

I’m not the best at suggesting gifts but you can try a website called getting personal, I’ve bought little gifts from there before, think they do things like a message in a bottle, something like that would really mean the world to me personally.

Weather has been lovely indeed today, I’ve been in a t-shirt trying to get some sun whilst at work!

@Sammy mate,

To answer your question about gifting. I know this will sound strange but don’t do it – respect his feelings. These feelings might change so obviously you need continuous dialogue but if he is insistent he doesn’t want a gift atm then don’t get him one.

If he had only stated to yourself he didn’t want a gift, I would be concerned because then that means he doesn’t want the feeling of needing to reciprocate and feeling obliged to return. Not what you want in a new relationship! However he has expressed this wish to you and his family so you should take it seriously. Has he told you why?

Getting him a gift will not make him happy or he will not feel the way you do when you gift. It’s about him, it’s his special day so you need to do what he would feel.

If he is a mature individual and not one of those who are testing you, then I suspect his love language may be different or changed as a result of the pandemic.

I don’t know how intimate you are yet but my suggestion is rather than a gift. Do something romantic. Send him on a trail to find you at the end ready for something like a massage, mini picnic and serious cuddling. Bake him a cake or do pizza making together.

He probably doesn’t want the fuss of a surprise party, doesn’t want gifts because he has everything. He might prefer quality time. I would probe to see what it is he wants in a nice way! Don’t nag ahaha.

Also @Jay2023 I did hurt my beautiful fiance through sheer selfish behaviour. I don’t know if you read about B and I? I can see why Sammy wanted to convey that point to you as a male, it’s s what we typically revert to when wounded and when we are immature.

Just remember showing someone emotional vulnerability and expressing care is a beautiful thing, if they fail to accept, receive it graciously or even acknowledge your existence and value, then that is a reflection of them and their issues!

Never let it affect who you are or your willingness to express love and care. You ought to continue in this vain and be happy because when you have no expectation and do things unconditionally it is done with the purest and right intention.

Loving like this is rare and not easy for most, but it gives you a freedom, you’ll realise that no expectations,  no need for quid pro quo gives you freedom! It makes you stronger within.

Great to see you’re in better spirits bro. You carry on and remain strong! You are on your way to better choices and better days ahead.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Danny.

@Jay2023 even with no heartbreak we can all experience rough days. It’s never linear bro so just keep reminding yourself even if spirits drop , they’ll pick up again. 9 months? I thought you broke up 2 months ago?

Nostalgia. It’s one of those things. Even though I no longer have any desire for her everytime I pass the very first date spot of my ex it brings it back and I can’t help but smirk. I couldn’t keep my hands off her that evening. Oh how things change! Don’t think B would be too pleased to read this, better park that thought there.

I’d like to think I have a good heart too bro ahaha,  I know I let myself down and I got lost a little focusing too much on the wounds from my past , meaning I missed the Angel in front of me. Its all good though I did right in the end,  it just made me realise never to take her for granted and also how strong our love was if we survived that. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Has your mate split up too? It might be a great bonding experience to heal together and spur each other to grow. Maybe this is the connection you need to focus on. Whereas I had to focus on dumping my lads! Bad bad advice offered by them.