Morning everyone, your welcome Danny I’m glad it helped you through that weekend and I felt the relief reading through your last post, I did feel from the beginning of what happened it would help you both as a couple to grow stronger and now you can both go into the wedding without any pent up thoughts. Don’t be too hard on yourself, your only human what matters is how much you care, I agree with Sammy don’t dwell on what’s happened just use it as a learning curve to strengthen your relationship.

Rhaenys I’m sorry to hear that has happened, it could be for all sorts of reasons and it’s not a reflection on yourself, best thing to do now is just see if the interest is still there from his end and if its not then it’s his loss, I would never rely on tinder as my primary method to meet someone, I’m really not a fan personally I know it works for some people but for me it’s meeting someone in a fated moment that makes it all the more special, don’t get me wrong tinder is a useful tool to chat to people but I think it’s a low percentage of what goes into a long lasting relationship. I’ve not spoke anymore to the person I matched and had a conversation with, like you said it was nice to know for confidence I could chat to someone easily and have a flowing conversation but it wasn’t exciting me or anything.

I’m pretty much in the mindset now of not having to chase anything to replace my loss and want it to happen organically, sure I’m still having those moments where I desperately miss having someone I connected to but I’m just concentrating on getting on with my own life and working towards my personal targets and I know at some point things will develop for me.

@Sammy1

I can’t speak for @Jay2023 or anyone else but your natural ability to listen and your intuition has made a mark on me. Above all you keep it real and not afraid to make or ask confronting statements or questions which have helped guide me and grow. I don’t want you to ever feel you wasted your precious time, it is very valued. I’m happy for you to post further thoughts outside of the topic if it can help me learn even more.

Love for others comes in many forms – and I never thought I’d actually say this about a stranger I converse with online, but I have a lot of love for you Sammy for what you have done for me. Am I allowed to say that?

Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I took your advice and last night I created a throwback movie night and cooked dinner for her. It was lovely and cosy and fun. I’m trying to keep her spirits lifted and appreciate your prayer.

You are 100% right physical touch is my dominant love language. I did once believe that sex was what I needed to feel the gratification but it was actually being emotionally connected to my partner and enjoying touch in any form be it non sexual like cuddling, holding hands to sexual foreplay that doesn’t go all the way. I get so much more out of cuddling her , caressing her and kissing her it took time but now the warmth from that alone is incredible, it’s been eye opening.

You asked me to considers her but I just don’t feel she has a dominant one. She definitely is physical too because that’s what creates the magic for both of us. But things like word of affirmation she doesn’t need she’s usually very secure so it doesn’t hit the same spot as it does for me. Gifts she loves to give, she’s a giver. I think it is quality time which like I love too and we enjoy each other’s company to the max when we’re together, it feels like we are in a bubble of our own. But I’m confused any ideas @Sammy1 and @Jay2023? I’m obviously missing the mark a bit as she felt I didn’t care or doesn’t feel the love expressed in the same way I feel from her.

I will consider therapy. It’s something I can afford privately and any work required to bolster my self esteem and further strengthen my relationship, I will not shy away from.

Thank you for always rooting for me. I’m sure as a womsn you must feel just as exasperated seeing me make the mistakes but I’m trying and willing to be better.

How have you been Sammy? I’m so happy your new man is stepping up and appreciating the fine woman you are. You deserve all the happiness and I’m glad @Jay2023 idea was such a winner and made you two closer.

@Jay2023 bro you were so calming for me. Again it will never be enough to say thank you for that but you really helped me! I’m trying to show myself some compassion like you and @Sammy1 said but it’s hard not to be self shaming and guilty knowing you really did hurt someone. Especially someone you care so much about. But I’m not going to throw a self pity party and be selfish with consuming myself with these negative thoughts. Instead I know I want to grow and now aim to make full amends to her.

Was it you or Sammy that said it? But the true test of character is in how we deal with the aftermath. Do we run away or do we face it head on and reach out to make amends?

I realised everything I’ve ever run away from just grew bigger or darkened my soul a bit more. It’s when I had to do the harder option I’ve always thrived and grown.

@Jay2023 mate can I just remark how proud of you I am lad. Let’s keep it real, you went for the boost on Tinder. Been there and done that badly, I’m glad you stopped short and realised it was time to stop chasing love. Stop trying to fill the void. Grow and let love come to you. You sound like you’re dedicated to working on that journey to finding yourself. Hats off to you, its not an easy task and so many take the easy option and repeat the same mistakes and cycles.

Jay amongst my chaos I don’t think you got the chance to answer this but I’m very curious and want to help too to break this cycle for you. So let me know mate do you end up friendzoning yourself? Unless you don’t want help but what did you mean by this:

“A problem I’ve had my whole life is anyone that I’ve cared about and wanted a romantic relationship with I’ve ended up developing a deep platonic relationship which has caused me heartache it’s just the way I’m wired and how I am with those individuals.”

@Rhaenys you don’t need my permission to comment on any post, it’s an open forum. I appreciate all your help and advice and I hope you haven’t got the wrong impression. Its just a natural inclination I have to ask Jay and Sammy that’s all.

I’m sorry to hear about your Tinder match, not too surprised as if a man is reluctant to meet it indicates it was just a time pass thing. With it being the pandemic a lot of men are bored, looking for stimulation and happy to use people. They are just trash and need to grow up! His loss as @Jay2023 said and you’re better off just focusing on yourself and letting something enter naturally. Don’t let this dishearten you. Not all men are like this.

@Rhaenys I respect your opinion. To some degree you’re a right it will never be just the two of us, I’m not disillusioned. What I was trying to convey was when we are together it’s like nothing else exist. I do love that we can create that own little world to escape to just the two of us even if it’s for an hour of our day before we have to return to reality; our responsibilities, work, family etc. I knew I had to accept the family dynamic from the very beginning, I really contemplated this before thinking about reconciliation.

For me it’s like @Sammy1 said I have that bit of insecurity there that I sometimes look at this remarkable woman and think could she do better? I don’t let that thought fester for long but it’s there and I try to remind myself she chose me and if she can do better, I should be that better. We both come from a family oriented background, we both have been embraced and embraced each others.

If you want the truth the extended family the elder members have made a few remarks that she’s unaware of, her cousin at the time reassured me this was common but it brought up insecurities and because I don’t ever want her to sacrifice anyone or anything for me, I know how much she loves unity and her elders. I’ve kept quiet and not told her and I don’t intend to either before the wedding to not ruin it for her – whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know.

I’m sensitive and it affects me so I’m not too enthused for these cultural events where there’s likely to be more cutting comments from the extended family add that to the fact I’m also a bloke – I don’t know if @Jay2023 can back me up but we honestly don’t understand the fuss. I just want to marry her and make her happy so I will work to put my feelings aside and make more of an effort because I WANT to as I care for my beautiful fiancé and in the end I need to remind myself it will be just the two of us and our immediate families – which works wonderfully and we’ve really embraced each others.<>

I know I make mistakes. I know where I went wrong but I would sacrifice my own happiness and life for this woman, which is why I’m so hard on myself when I do falter.

@Jay2023 and @Rhaenys

Self esteem or confidence that’s determined by the opinions of others is precarious; it can just as easily be given to us as it is taken away. So I am glad you both are not looking to fill voids and that you don’t need to resort to those measures to feel confident within yourself. It’s a step forward in self loving and healing.

Besides the fact that in the long run using apps for validation can make you feel worse, you might also be leading people on.
If you are going on with lingering vibes from your last relationship without healing first. You can’t fully commit to another person and be capable of having a healthy relationship.

To avoid being hurt ot hurting others, only chat with people you’re on the same page with i.e. both happy with a casual encounter etc or with someone you’re genuinely interested in and you can avoid deceiving them.

Rhaenys you found out the hard way that you were just being led on. Sorry you had to go through that. If he was genuinely interested in building on the connection he would meet you and be equally invested. Danny is right, most people especially men have been bored and lacking that stimulation so are using people. Don’t take it further, he had his chance and showed his colours. You deserve more than to be strung along for months. Time is valuable. Maybe try a different app when you are ready for something serious, some like Tinder you’re more likely to find those in search of casual encounters and there’s a higher percentage of finding the wrong uns.

I believe when you and @Jay2023 really have found yourselves within. Something will present itself naturally. Look at me, my besties bro had been on the fringe all along, I never saw him as a romantic interest but then one day it all just fell into place. He adds to my happiness and finally my needs are being met. It took pain and struggle to figure out what those needs were and who I was. So keep believing. Oh @Jay2023 I remember you saying it’s your exes birthday in May too, how do you feel about that now?

@Dannydan
I’m in a very good place right now after a very long time. The on/off nature of my last relationship naturally led to an addiction to him but like any addiction it ravaged my soul, confidence, body and mind. So was a hard road but to have a man who just steps up, spoils me, is expressive has been beautiful to experience. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself because it is still the honeymoon phase and I don’t want to have expectations and then be disappointed but at @Jay2023 personalised idea really did cement our relationship, I can if i allow myself see a long term future. Oh and of course I did what you suggested at the end of the message trail 😉 which also went down a storm! Alot of barriers were let down last weekend and I feel great !

Awww thanks, I know what you mean, when you just connect with someone, you do develop an affection for them even if they are a stranger. You feel understood and seen, not so alien! I’m glad you found that in me. I’m really touched and like I said I’m rooting for you and ‘B’ it’s a really heartwarming tale and I’m looking forward to you two beginning the married life chapter.

I think it’s fairly obvious physical touch is up there for both of you 😉 maybe acts of service is another one for her? Maybe ‘B’ needs you to do that more to feel appreciated. Eg. instead of her chasing up a wedding query you do it on your own accord to make her see this is an equal partnership and she’s appreciated. Us women want you to WANT do it yourself not tell you what we want! Lol

Oh Danny you will hate me but didn’t you just promise ‘B’, you wouldn’t keep things from each other even if it’s to protect one another and instead would deal with them together?

Maybe you should tell her what’s happened, she will have a better understanding on what’s caused some of the resistance around the wedding events (other than you being a typical man🤦🏼‍♀️).

I have friends who are in interracial marriages and experienced something similar it is difficult navigating but they’ve always had each others back.

It is actually so selfless of you to not voice your hurt because you know she’s a family girl and you don’t want to cause any internal conflict for her so are putting her first. It makes sense now why your insecurities have surfaced again! But she seems to be very sensitive and perceptive, hence detected possible resentment so explaining things to give her will give her a clearer picture and do you both good. You don’t have to play victim, just express how it made you feel. Also you must remember not everyone will like you but she LOVES you and CHOSE to spend the rest of her life with you. That’s all that matters.

You are good to her, you have a bond with her immediate family. She will value that and she will have your back. I think she already does that’s why she said I feel pulled in all directions. You just need to reassure her too she’s your first priority. I think that’s all she needs to hear.

Oh @Jay2023, it’s okay to admit you feel down again.

What worries me is how frequently your mood swings, have you had a diagnosis of clinical depression? I know you’re on medication but was that for anxiety? It may be time to see the doctor and have a few health checks if you haven’t already done so, to determine if there’s a hormonal imbalance,  thyroid or any other medical issue that may be causing these extreme mood fluctuations. Do you keep a mood journal? That may help spot triggers. Have you been sleeping properly over last few days?

Really hoping your therapy comes through for you ASAP! In the meantime, you’re not alone,  you need to remember that. If it is of any value Danny and I care and want you to be happy.

What may have happened is you communicated with someone new because you are very LONELY. It gave you that temporary boost of confidence but you’re not ready internally to give and be vulnerable to someone new. So the feeling wore off and unfortunately that doesn’t stop that craving and missing the feelings of being in a relationship; holding hands, cuddles, having that one person to talk to daily. You see couples and it causes you pain, you want to be in love. So your spiral begins again. You associate all those love feelings you want with her because she was the last one you were with, but the reality is and your rational side tries to understand you deserve a woman who WANTS you, who CARES about you and SPOILS and CHOOSES you!

You’re suffering withdrawal from the highs of those feelings rather than her as a person imo. You kind of said it yourself ” I still terribly miss all the good parts and those feelings”

It would be understandable to keep going in circles if she was a ‘B’ kind of person who supported you, cared etc. and you messed it up. I’d actually probably encourage you to put pride aside and reconnect. But honestly Jay you didn’t lose anything here. She lost out. Trust me, you will feel those romantic feelings again and with the right person they will be even more potent.

I’m going to ask you a simple question; What do you want? Answer it instinctively.

Also don’t be so hard on yourself for your search of her number, we all do things like that in throes of heartbreak. Did you see her picture and did it make you feel better?  Let’s not forget the bigger picture your ability to love so unconditionally. You care still and that is precious. With the right one it will be beautiful like what Danny and his fiancé have. A love that withstands the tests and keeps growing! You deserve that x

Can you tag me because I don’t want to miss your posts x

@Rhaenys thank you for the advice. I agree @Sammy1 is very intuitive! Between you, me and @Jay2023 it’s turned into Ask Sammy lol.

Sammy if at any time you feel you cba please do take time to yourself. None of us will hold it against you. I think the beauty of this thread is we can lean on each other when the other needs a break or busy. So don’t overwhelm yourself.

I know guys I’m afraid and that’s why I know I need to get therapy to help me move on from those niggling doubts.

I know she’s chosen me but I’ve been in “love” before and unchosen. When you have been betrayed like that it leaves cuts so deep that there’s always that thought it could happen again. Also because I love ‘B’ more than I ever thought I was capable of and the love is real love that offers stability, growth and warmth, I’m aware what I stand to lose is greater than anything before. That’s why I get disappointed in myself when I screw up. But I’m learning and growing, I want to never take her love for granted.

@Sammy1 you are 100% right in that I would be going back on my word about being fully transparent,  no matter what. However I’m worried about exacerbating her stress. She needs me to be very strong at the moment considering the new information I learned. I’m willing to take the bullets and put on a mask for the events. I’m acutely aware of how they make me feel but ‘B’s’ wellbeing and happiness is more important to me and I’m hoping with therapy over the next few weeks I can deal with it there. Is that being insincere to her?

Thank you for the advice on acts of service. We have a shared calendar app and I’ve been moving things over to my to do list at lunch today. So hopefully that tells her I’m serious about my commitment to her too and looking forward to the wedding, I have also arranged flowers and doughnuts to be sent to her workplace for every Friday up until the wedding. I sent her family and mine a food hamper with a countdown note and looking forward to sharing our big day with you. These are special things she would do because that’s how golden her heart is so I hope she realises that’s rubbing off on me too.

Now I have a big question I would like at @Jay2023 opinion as a male to see if I’m crazt as well as you ladies. If I put an offer in on a house I’m 90% sure she would love as much as me, without showing her – would she kill me? The house has just come onto the market not been listed yet and I could get it all done because I know the owners son, it would be a surprise to gift the keys on the day of the wedding. It would be a forever home and it’s in the area we have been looking in the catchment area for great schools too.  What do you think?

@Jay2023 I’m sorry bro you’re having another dip. Sammy’s advice is on the money, I really do think it’s loneliness more than anything. I experienced much the same. You just feel a constant hollowness, It’s so painful even when we know our ex wasn’t right for us because you miss that feeling, you just want your person; someone to hold and call and share things with. It can make you feel like why isn’t this happening for me? You just need to remind yourself the fact you’ve experienced these feelings is proof you’re capable of loving and when it is with a good fit all this pain you feel now will evaporate. You have to have hope in that. It is better to have loved than not at all.

I really want to help you mate through my own experience, I’ve felt lost. I know what it is like to be insecure as a man too and can help but only if you want though. You might not be ready because you opened up a bit last weekend and then shut back down.

Oh @Dannydan I forgot to add that the decision whether you tell her or not about how the snidy comments have made you feel is yours. I’m not fully aware of what she is going through so if it will make her stress more than you need to be strong enough to not be affected if it happens again. At some point you should discuss it. Maybe you should write a letter seal it up and tell her you want her to only open it after the wedding. That way she knows you wanted to tell her but didn’t for the reasons you’ve stated. I don’t know how deep it is. So hard to advise. I don’t want you to open up on here if you have promised her not to.

@Pushhpak thanks for your post. Not sure who it was addressing but applicable to us all!

Boys @Dannydan and @Jay2023 hadn’t received any notifications so logged in today but seems you are both AWOL . Are you both doing okay? Just busy I hope and not stressed! Do let me know how you are and if you need any further help.