Hi guys, thought I would drop a post to say hi, I still keep tabs on how your all doing. First off congratulations Danny, glad the wedding went well and your now in that phase of bliss you’ve been waiting so long for lol. Sammy and Rhaenys I hope all is well with yous as well.

Unfortunately I’ve managed to contract covid so I’m currently self isolating, luckily it’s not really affected me to make me feel really unwell, just a mild cough although I have lost my sense of taste and smell which I hope doesn’t last for too long lol.

There’s also nothing to report romantically in my life at this time but I have managed to keep myself extremely busy by taking a second job working part time in a pub which him really enjoying, I helped out over the euros and now working a few hours over the weekend.

I also went ahead and bought the dj set up I wanted a while back so a new hobby to put my time into.

Everything was going nicely until I managed to get the virus! Too much time isolating gives you too much time to think about the past and not focus on the future!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Jay.

@Sammy1, your ex sounds very conflicted, a man full of regret.

If he is not an entirely selfish man then I can say having been in his shoes not too long ago, it is a torturous place to be, knowing deep down your choices led you to taking the wrong turns.

The key difference between your situation and mine was timing.

‘B’ was single at the time I reapproached her.  I had a woman with a strong sense of self who happened to walk away at the right time.

I mistreated her for sure but there was space left for me to start afresh. Thank God I did and was wise enough to see sense to recognise the value in the woman who stood by me at my lowest point.

It’s up to him now to choose to learn the lessons and accept that in your case it is far too late for you two because of how toxic it became, he had years to step up but he didn’t. To wipe 1 years history together clean is difficult let alone 4 or 5!

The very least he can do is let you flourish and he become a better man for his next relationship.

You’ve done the right thing getting off that merry-go-round, don’t ever doubt that.

Grief is gritty and gnarly as fuck. The fact you wish your ex the very best shows your humility, that you loved him unconditionally and you’ve evolved something fierce within you to let go of someone you never intended to but had to in order to honour what’s best for you.

You mastered SELF LOVE. Be very proud of what a strong and caring woman you are!

Your ex has a lot of inner work to do, and will fall into same patterns because honestly it’s very hard to fully change. He needs to confront and work through his feelings. I had to do that for myself otherwise change never comes.

It is his loss for sure! You may well be the one good woman that got away. The ‘what ifs’ in life are something he will have to learn to cope with, this is his responsibility not yours.

Want real talk, keep your contact limited for now if you want to stay drama free.

If you two had a really strong connection the chemistry doesn’t always change even with distance or if you are in new relationships.

Him being a man if he has any unresolved feelings will use any type of interaction as hope, draw you in again and just like that you can end up having sex if the opportune moment arises.

This is not an excuse but most men don’t have self control like women do.

He was obviously a significant part of your life so much of your pinnacle moments are kind of co owned by this person, so I get it you do not want to discard him,  that takes great maturity. However you need your new partner on board, someone who is not jealous and understands. In order to make a friendship work eventually.

Right now I can tell even if you were not dating you have moved on from this phase but he hasn’t so it’s crucial to only pursue friendships when you voth want the best for each other, admit you can never reunite and the romantic spark has completely faded for both parties. I think that’s the case for ‘B’ and her ex hence they are the exception to the rule.

Remember to continue to love unconditionally, a love that doesn’t make your partner indebted to you. But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you’ve loved very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.

Unconditional love also has boundaries. ‘B’ taught me that, she loved me for who I was but still chose to walk away when I didn’t give her what she deserved too.

Codependent love is when you love and don’t take care of your own needs and leave when it’s necessary to.

Don’t become overly protective of your heart,  the new man in your life sounds great from what you told us. Are you being fully vulnerable though? If not, what’s holding you back?

Is he understanding of your emotional and physical needs? I ask you this because you sound hesitant, are you feeling fulfilled? How do you really feel?

@Jay2023 bro what a double whammy losing the finals and then catching the corona! How are you feeling now mate? Thanks for the congrats, it sure is bliss, definitely worth the wait! Ahaha. You know what I find incredible with her she’s so open and understanding. Given our cultural differences and she made me wait. She’s adopted a healthy, sex-positive attitude for ourselves which is making things beyond what I imagined. I love this woman! I keep having to pinch myself.

Having a lot of time is not great if you are prone to dwelling but the past only creeps up because it’s not been dealt with properly. Sammy is right maybe work through your feelings rather than bury them again only to resurface further down the line ?

Hello

@Dannydan, I wanted to say goodbye to you, since you won’t be online muc more. I will read your posts to me again, I really loved your last one about not settling.. I hope I will experience that love and that connection that you write sometime, as you did.

I do hope you will pop up here sometimes just to say a short hello, it would be lovely to hear from you.

@Sammy, I read last page, and I found your last reply. I think I read it and wanted to reply, and then Danny came with news and then I wanted to focus on his news, instead of replying to yours, about me, I wanted to let him shine. 🙂 And then no one posted so I was waiting for someone to come here again.

I think I would love to continue replying here, as I don’t felt I’m in the perfect place yet. I think it’s slowly getting better, but not where I want it to be yet.

There are some news, I’ve been dating, actually I’ve been called on dates. I haven’t used online apps, those are just a few people I meet in real. One was terrible, we met on a work thing, and then talked shortly during lunch break on work. Then he wanted to see me again, and then things started going strange… He wrote some sex implying stuff, and called me after we just met for 30 minutes to his place, things like that. He was always mentioning how he can’t wait to see me while not asking anything about me. So I broke that really quick, happy I did. It really sounded like he just wanted sex. I admit that I wanted to give him a chance, but wasn’t really that much into him, and it didn’t hurt in that way, but I was kind of feeling “why this has to happen to me”. But I guess it happens to a lot of people so.. It was a bit stressful because he is a college, but works in different building in different part of town, so at least I don’t have to see him again.

That was experience I didn’t like, other was better, but didn’t feel a connection. However a few guys showed interest so I guess that is a good thing. There is someone else I find interesting a bit, and it may be mutual, which, sincerely, scares me in a way, but also makes me excited and I like talking to him. But I think I should let it to evolve slowly and naturally, whether to friendship or something else.

So I think I feel a bit better now, with some events happening , sunny days and I live on the coast so summer is a good season here. There are days when I fell really happy I ( think more and more of them), and sometimes I fell depressed. But I think my problem is mostly – fear.
I guess it’s funny that few guys showed interest, and here am I, scared of ending alone. I also realized with the situation with the guy that does interest me, that now it’s seems I am scared of being alone, but also scared of entering a new relationship. I’m not really surprised of that fear, I expected it.  I also had some problems at work, so I felt fear in that part of my life too. But I really don’t want to live in fear anymore.

So I like to read about your experience with your new BF, about how it should feel. I’m glad he reassured you after the moving together talk. And I understand you try to not get carried away, and ground yourself, I recognize in myself I’m much more careful now too.

About your ex, I don’t think you should be friends with him, as I’m not sure if he is ready for that.

@Jay2023, I’m glad to hear news from you, and sad you caught COVID. I hope you will get better son.

I do know, from my experience too, that keeping yourself busy helps, but I guess if we don’t deal with our emotions and problems, they arise the first opportunity they can. I was keeping myself really busy after one of my breakups before the last one, and that happened to me. I think COVID made me spent a lot of time home, what I hated at first, but not I think  that wasn’t necessary a bad thing. So I agree with Sammy and Danny.

@Dannydan what a wise old owl you’ve become. I loved that link you sent about givers.

Thank you for giving me a boost when I needed and for your kind words and demonstrating how much you value me. I’m very touched Danny.

I have found myself a good one, haven’t I?! I love that you paid attention to my excitement of becoming sisters with my bestie! Totally going to be the best thing ever! Ground yourself Sammy lol Thank you for the encouragement!

You’re completely right. Friendship is for people who are mutually invested in each other’s happiness or welfare, and have no stock in being close to each other than for the sake of genuinely, platonically love and care for one another.

Although he is in a new relationship he still wants to keep some contact , but like you say if he harbors romantic feelings which he does from what I’ve been told the kindest thing to do if I care is to let him heal without contact from me which may help his relationship work. Maybe one day we can be friends rather than back to strangers. Life is just so complicated!

@Rhaenys I have zoom meeting in 6 minutes but will give your post the time and response it deserves later this evening.

@Jay2023 I’m hoping too you kick ass with Covid.  Please please please do let us know you’re well when you can. When @Kkasxo didn’t my mind went to dark places.

Morning guys, hope your all well. I’ve been lucky with covid and hasn’t really affected me at all, couple of days I felt a bit rubbish but where I’ve been resting indoors it’s been very manageable, would like my taste and smell to come back soon though lol, just been drinking a lot of water and not too fussed about choice of food. A couple more days of isolation and I can get back to my routine yay!

I hear what you have all said in regards to dealing with my feelings and in a ideal world I would love to say I’ve closed the door on the them and I’m well down the road with them now but being cooped up indoors it’s hard not to reminisce, I’ve been speaking and meeting lots of new people including females that I’ve been initially attracted to but yet to find anyone I’m drawn to in the way I was my ex. This is essentially why I’ve changed my attitude and outlook on how I go about my life, I love the fact that I’ve become very active and want to better myself anyway I can now on a daily basis, I wouldn’t say I’m burying my feelings and I know it must have been very strong from my end because I wouldn’t still think about it now, having said I know I’m doing right and things are going to fall into place by the end of the year, if I had an option now I wouldn’t change anything I’m so focused on getting where I want to be I’m not desperately seeking a relationship anymore, if it happens then so be it but I don’t need it anymore as I’m happy and content with my own busy schedule and the hunger to learn more. The side job in a pub wasn’t about money, I earn more than enough from my main job but it was a good feeling that I learnt and adapted new skills in a short space of time and was also an opportunity to be able to extend my social network which is why I really enjoyed it and it didn’t really feel like working.

Rhaenys I’m so glad to hear things have picked up for you socially! Its good to hear your getting out there and enjoying yourself, I’m sure you will get what you seek now we are at the back end of the pandemic.

Sammy I’m sorry to hear your having conflicting thoughts about being friends with your ex, from my own personal point of view I don’t think it will be possible for me for a very long time, until maybe a situation plays out where I can say yes I’m glad that happened because things worked out for me for the better, until then it’s just best we have no involvement in each others lives and follow the paths we’re on.

Danny totally understand you might not be as active as you will be a lot busier from now, enjoy the married life bro you sound like your on cloud 9! Hope you can post now and again, I’m not as active but I would still like to share with you all when something does develop for me at some point hopefully lol as you was all there in the worst and hardest part for myself

@Dannydan you post posted twice but that song is 🔥🔥🔥! I understand things better from the perspective you gave thank you. But Gosh you men really are takers at times lol.

@Jay2023 just proved that by saying he too would want a certain situation to pan out in his favour before ever considering friendship lol. Men and their egos!

I don’t want to torture my ex further after the consensus on here, he’s doing a number on himself already I want him to be happy and accept for me and him it’s over. I want him to find someone who loves him just as much as I did or more. If that means I have to swallow the bitter pill that after all is said and done, we can no longer stay a part of each others lives by being friends then so be it. For me it’s never been a competition to beat each other into a better or “upgrade”. I just want him to thrive and the same for myself.

After listening to that song tune, I removed him from any social media. Any mutual events , I will stay away. Do I message on birthdays guys? Our contact was already limited but do I cut that out too.

I feel sad we can’t become friends and instead I will most likely need to withdraw further, It will hurt him but it’s for the greater good, isn’t it?

@Jay2023 Thanks for replying and I’m super glad your symptoms are not serious and you’ll be out if isolation imminently. I hope your taste and smell return very soon. I imagine it must be weird to eat and off putting. Hope you don’t lose weight as a result.

You mentioned you haven’t been drawn to anyone like your ex….what qualities made you drawn to her ?

Also yes it’s clear there were very strong feelings present for you to be feeling nostalgia.

Try not to just recall the rose tinted memories. Remember things like her attitude she didn’t value sacredness of sex, she didn’t support you emotionally, she wasn’t very kind etc.

You can’t help who you fall for so I would never question a persons love. But I will say there’s no need for you to have any regrets. You were an angel and treated her very well from what you told us. Unlike my ex or Danny to ‘B’ initially hence them having torturous regrets.

I am all for you starting to love yourself and do things which make you feel fulfilled on your own first before getting into a relationship. Because when you use a relationship as your source of happiness it never pans out.

What are your plans for the end of the year? Is it Thailand?

@Rhaenys you can tag me and I will do my utmost to help.

It’s great to hear that you are slowly shifting your focus and have been brave enough to put yourself out there and start dating again. It’s important to not have any expectations and also remember it is partly a number game so there will be some rotten apples amongst the mix.

I think @Jay2023 and @Dannydan will not argue when I say sex is always on a man’s mind. By being wise and not willing to open your legs right away can help filter out the fuckboys from a genuine one.

A genuine man will be patient and follow your lead.

Don’t be a total prude, it’s important for a man to guage chemisty so there will be a need for some flirty exchange not necessarily explicit.

In reference to fear. Danny and I have both experienced it. It is a natural defense mechanism when you’ve been heartbroken but love can only occur if you take a risk and be vulnerable. We spoke extensively on fear so re read the previous posts it will help you feel not alone. You have to be courageous,  if Danny didn’t be brave and try to woo ‘B’ again against all odds he would have lost out on the love of his life. By taking the plunge and believing in himself he can live without regrets.

If I didn’t fight fear of being alone I would have continued my codependency with my ex. Instead I fought and look where I am now in a relationship with someone who really understands my needs and is making me believe in love all over again.

I’m glad things have started to open up and will allow you to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Take pride in your progress , these little steps are going to lead you to an amazing new adventure. It’s never too late to better yourself and attain what you deserve

@Jay2023 please tag me with @Sammy1 so I don’t miss any future posts. I very rarely check on here unless I get a notification.

Any advice for me? Do I ghost my ex on birthdays/occasions too for or keep the limited contact but don’t go to mutual gatherings?

Even though you had to experience the depths of heartache,  you can proudly say this experience with her has made you a better person overall and it’s been character building.

I know you got attached to her and it seems you will always have love there.

You have come a long way and I’m very happy you did the introspective work and can source your own happiness too.

If your exes character was like ‘B’ then after witnessing Danny’s journey, my stance has changed and I would now encourage you to try again with bravery and fight because she might be the loyl.

But based on what you told us I think you deserve better. Someone who emotionally understands you,  someone supportive,  someone who spoils you too,  someone who is passionate about sex but finds it sacred like you and sees it as part of a commitment not means to an end.

I know you’ve been reminiscing a lot at least you will not have to endure any torturous regrets down the road like my ex or feel you screwed up the chance of happiness because you were always an amazing giving boyfriend to her even through your own miserable and unhappy internal conflict at that time.

I’m glad you are really pushing yourself and I think the djing is a great development because music itself is so healing. You’ll also meet new people more readily in that social setting.
If you’re not looking to destination hop then out of the two options Bali should be your first choice,  my bf been and his pictures are incredible but Thailand is not far from there and if you’re paying to travel so far you might as well tick off as many as you can. Have a full tour. In the new year post Xmas is a good shout. Jan is always a miserable month lol.

Are you planning on going solo? Or f&f?
It’s really lovely to read your progress Jay so try keep in touch!

@Sammy1 it’s been very hectic, flooding in London and then moving out of my place. Back to work. I’m feeling exhausted!

if your ex is in a relationship and still yearning for you, I agree with @Jay2023 and say no contact for now even on birthdays is better because everytime you make contact with him it will give him false hope if he hasn’t accepted it’s all done and dusted.

Love can be messy but it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. He is going through what we all experience at least once as you know it’s very painful. So you are being cruel to be kind by letting him heal without false hope delaying that.

Yes it does come down to our stubborn egos! and if he’s the type of man to grow from his mistakes and evolve, he will actually value you and want the very best for you too and will reach out to you in a platonic manner accepting friendship one day. If he doesn’t you haven’t lost anything,  you were always very giving to him and you need to like you said thrive too.

How are you finding dealing with it?

@Jay2023 mate how are you? Out of the woods? I hope you have recovered from Covid and it’s not left any lasting effects. Seems you are pushing through and I’m very pleased for you bro. You’re picking up new hobbies and hopefully ticking off those personal goals. You’re moving forward keep that up. Onwards and upwards as you stated!

I agree with Sammy you have nothing at all to be sad about, she may have been a breath of fresh air but also remember you treated your ex very well but she didn’t in return so you should continue to have no regrets. She was a fool and it’s her loss for sure. That should be a fantastic feeling in a way because you already you’ve basically filtered out someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are and recognise your value naturally.

There’s no point making someone feel obliged to see the best in you just because you have a commitment or relationship. The best feeling is someone who does that automatically and naturally regardless of what you are to them.