Also you said your ex never said I love you, in return in your very first post. Don’t you deserve that?  A person who expresses their love in all forms. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t say it, display it and make me feel special. I guarantee you when he finds the one he will say it, he is nor incapable!

@genie – thanks for your kind words and acknowledgement that just because my relationship was short doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. Tbh I feel like I am fumbling along but I really appreciate your pep talks!

@Shelby – the rose coloured glasses are really something huh. But it’s good you’re open to being reminded of the uglier bits. I’m sorry to hear about your work stress and the anxiety of losing the key! Such a thing would make me super anxious too. I hope you are able to get some relaxation in this weekend?? The fact you still look for gratitude despite feeling like absolute sh*t at times says a lot about your strength of character. I salute you! One thing I am grateful for for sure is you starting this thread! Thinking of you and hoping you are able to get in some self care this weekend x

And as for I don’t want to jinx it but I really feel like this week has been a turning point in a positive way for me, despite being stressful.

Couple of ‘aha’ moments – got a call that my dad was in hospital with potential heart issues (luckily it was just a scare and he’s recovering at home now), and instinctively wanted to reach out to my ex for comfort. But it felt more… intellectual… this time. Like, while the idea still appealed, the reality has sunk in that I knew it would make me feel worse and that I could seek support elsewhere. So I avoided that entirely and talked to my housemates instead which was lovely. Not having such a gripping need for contact and support from her feels empowering..

Other one is, I have been trying extra hard to reach out to people in the spirit of remaining open to connection, instead of using it as an excuse to close myself off which is very very tempting – as a protective approach.

So… My brother, who lives overseas, and I live very seperate lives. I hadn’t talked to him in a very long time, but he messaged me about our dad. Usually the conversation would have been short and mechanical but this time I made the effort to ask him how his counselling is going (he told my parents over Christmas he was seeking it for anxiety). I explained I am struggling with it too. We ended up having a conversation about how it affects both of us, and I also told him about my break up, and came out to him in the process because I used the word ‘she’! Conversation ended with an agreement we are always here for one another despite not keeping in touch much and we should talk more. Deepest conversation we have had in years…

Second… On Monday I reached out to an acquaintance after she peer reviewed some work of mine – we don’t work for the same organisation but in the same field and she has just started a new job in an organisation I used to work for. Prior to being proactive about this post breakup my social anxiety would have stopped me from doing such a thing. We met up today and really, we hit it off so well that at the end I told her I feel like I’d known her for years – after 45 mins. We both shared mutual experiences I would usually take months to tell people about. It was really surreal, the instant connection and bond, Not in like a romantic way – I don’t even know if she is into women – just in a deeply human way. But also it’s the first time I have felt such an instant connection since meeting my ex it is nice to prove to myself that such a thing is possible!

I was reflecting afterwards about how when my ex told me that she was ultimately content with being solitary and didn’t generally see the need to seek connection from others (e.g she said to me a couple of times that she would be quite happy to live by herself in a remote place) I felt jealous for awhile. I have always been one to want to be around and get to know people deeply, and often wish I was more content on being alone because opening yourself up can lead to such pain, as it has with her. But this week has confirmed to me that I would rather seek connection and risk being hurt than not reach out at all. And I’m proud of myself for using this as an experience to be vulnerable, really. I am trying not to daydream about this potential new friendship too much but I do hope we meet again soon!

Anyway, have rambled enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my sad times this week. But I think for the first time in more than a year I can see a way out of this deep depressive hole I’ve been in, and see myself being able to move on from my ex. So celebrations definitely in order! If you got this far, thanks for reading. Happy weekend. Xxx

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Adelaide1.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Adelaide1.

@genie Thanks for your affirmation! My disability does define me in a lot of ways, but not in a negative way – it has shaped how I exist and interact with the world – what doesn’t define me but what I still let define me is people’s negative reactions to it which I have internalised. And that is not surprising given societal attitudes towards it; I mean there is a show featuring disabled people going on dates called “the Undateables” for gods sake. But I feel determined to let go of that shame. I deserve to value myself – other people’s perceptions are not my problem. Easier said than done, but working on it!

I had another lovely catch up with a close friend today. We spent a lot of time talking about relationships and anxiety. We are similar personality wise and  relationship experience wise so it was particularly comforting. She told me she is definitely doing a speech at my wedding recounting these conversations. Ha, we’ll see!

I have been ruminating a lot today about whether or not my ex will contact me on my birthday later this week – imagining her not doing so and how hurtful that will feel. I’m not sure why I care so much – I guess because I’m human and I’d like to think she cares enough about me to make the effort to do that. There’s nothing to suggest she won’t, but also if she does I am not sure what I am expecting out of such an interaction. The temptation would be to suggest we meet up again but as I’ve already established that makes me feel worse, so why bother. I know it’s mostly the anticipation of it more than the contact itself, but there is no rationalising myself out of it. Brains… so weird.

Things are objectively a lot better than they were when I posted here almost three weeks ago. And yet, sometimes, like now, I still feel so sad that things didn’t work out and like I will never find love. I guess there’s nothing to do in such times then just sit with the sadness and know it will pass…

I saw this quote a few weeks ago and come back to it often

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

Someone reading may find comfort in it too. Hope you all have a good weekend!

@genie

Thanks for your gentle, on point advice! I am in a much calmer state of mind tonight and I earlier was basically telling myself the same things you wrote. Letting my birthday – the one day of the year that we can be as self indulgent as we like – be defined by whether or not I get a message from her is ridiculous.

I have been reflecting on how many risks I have taken since my last birthday. I took big risks with both my living situation and my job and they have worked out beyond my wildest dreams. Last birthday I could have never imagined those aspects of my life being so good. Last birthday I couldn’t imagine falling in love. But they are, and I did. All of these things were wildly unexpected, and while the love one hasn’t worked out, I am so glad I took that risk. In this moment it feels like a gift – because I have been given an insight into what love is like, but also been given an opportunity to use it to find something better. I laugh at myself in these moments, because I sound like a different person when I am anxious and when I’m not, and I feel like one too  – shows the power of the anxious mind! I know the the anxiety and sadness will return and I will doubt ever believing this. But here I am writing it down and positing it, so it must be. 🙂

Here’s to birthday celebrations and appreciating the good people and things in my life. There are so many! Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I really appreciate you. X

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Adelaide1.

Hey all.

@ Adelaide. Wow, thanks! You have no idea how much it means to know my cr@ppy experiences and hard-earned life lessons have helped other people, much appreciated! I did smile at the idea of you screenshotting ( is that even a verb? who knows?!?) them!  Happy belated birthday too. I think Genie said it well for all of us about not making any possible contact from your ex the focus of the day. You’ve already come far enough to realise it wasn’t the right relationship for you, so even if she does contact you it’s not helpful, since you aren’t in the right space to want to be simply friends.  It’s awesome how much you’ve focused on staying open with other people and how many positive experiences it’s given you. There’s a big ‘Disney-esque’ romanticism pushed through media on finding the one person to fill all your human needs – which is ridiculous when you think about it in reality. Everything in life is a balance, including romantic and non-romantic relationships. It really is amazing what happens when you reach out to people and you are truly inspirational for doing so well.  As you can tell, I am a bit of a travel nut, especially now that I have retired so would love to hear more about the places you have lived if you don’t mind sharing.

@ Genie. Ha, yeah, right with you on how nice it is to know sharing our lessons and experience to help others. At the grand old age of 44, I got a few! It sounds like things are going really well with you now, slowly with the new guy and always looking forwards, not back. Congrats.

@Shelby. Yeah, I’m now in Koh Lanta, typing this from my balcony over the sea. It is very easy to live cheap here, most meals are £1-3 each, delicious fruit smoothies a £1 etc etc. People are so friendly, especially if you take the time to talk/smile. I love it. Will be heading off to Langkawi in Malaysia via Koh Lipe and then onto George Town before working back up to Vietnam, which I’m already looking forwards to getting my Mi Quang & Banh Mi fix! Sounds like you are still pretty stuck on not moving on and not taking off those rose-coloured specs……..I know there’s nothing we here can say to make that happen for you but I do hope and wish you don’t waste too many more years on holding onto your dream of him.  You know – that whole thing about not knowing what you want to do with your life is a big part of why you won’t let him go. He provided you direction and saved you from having to figure it out yourself or do anything about it. I know it’s so much easier to simply follow someone else but at the end of the day, it just creates a very unequal relationship – and hence a lot of anxiety in the one who’s doing the following. Honestly, spend any spare moment you get thinking about where you want to be in 5 years time – or for the ultimate shocker – try and envision your funeral and what you’d like people to be saying about you, what you would have done. Time goes by so fast and if you wait for life, it passes you by. Reach out and grab the life you want instead – I’m living proof 😉

@ Kkasxo – hope you are doing ok in this extra tough week for you. Take care eh.

Hi all,

Sorry to butt in on this thread but I have read almost the whole thing and just wanted to say how helpful I have found it. I can relate to all of your stories so much, especially Shelbyville- feel like I could have written your posts myself! I recently (ish) broke up with someone, and am feeling exactly how you were feeling at the start of the thread- waking up at 4/5 am every night, having stomach issues and serious issues with anxiety (I’m considering starting medication), dreaming of him and thinking about him maybe 90% of the time, but not checking his social media! I’m probably still in the denial stage hoping we’ll get back together one day, but it has been fascinating reading about how you guys did get back together and then broke up again. I also feel like I’m too sensitive and feel things too deeply, and that breakups hit me much harder than they do other people. In my situation, though, I was only with the person for a few months (although we’d been quite intense friends for a year beforehand) so I don’t have the excuse that it was a very significant relationship! The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that I felt very similarly when I broke up with someone around 5 years ago- it took me maybe 2 years to get fully over it, I kept feeling like he was perfect for me and eventually we’d get back together one day (although he had moved to America, which is why we broke up!). But now five years later, we didn’t get back together and I honestly feel nothing for that guy- I checked his social media for the first time since we broke up recently and it had absolutely no effect on me. So, whilst these things can take years to get over, I eventually really did, and found a new person to be heartbroken over!! I hope all of your situations work out and that you feel better- I just wanted to thank you for restoring my faith in humanity seeing you all consistently support each other, and providing this thread as a resource to help others like me gain perspective on our own situations.