Today is a better day.  I’m trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  I’ve really begun to realize that she made me feel like a better man.  Like she was out of my league as you guys have mentioned and when she dated me it built up my confidence and self esteem.  ” i can meet beautiful and sophisticated women”   It really boosted everything in my life.  That’s why i became so motivated.  I liked feeling like that and the feeling that i was that good-a better man in a sense.  When she left she took all that away.  Which i know is my decision for me to feel that way.  I am that good man.  I know that.  I really need to focus on myself and doing things that make me feel better about myself.  Cleaning my house, treating myself(new clothes, nice things, even shaving everyday), enjoying my time with my girls and friends/family.  I feel like when she left, that feeling inside me left also.  Like i’m not good enough anymore.  This has all been a real struggle and learning experience for me.  I am trying very hard.

It became obvious to me the other day. I was bored and got on one of the on line dating sites.  just browsing, no intentions of anything.  I saw this woman on there that is someone that i would think would be out of my league.    Instantly made me feel like “WOW”  I never  realized that that is the type of woman that i’m attracted to.

The woman that i am seeing  now, she is the type that fists my lifestyle.  We would work well together and get along great.  But i don’t think that i’m attracted to her the way I should be.  It’s hard to explain.  She is fun, likes what i like, gets along with me great, everything.  But there is something missing.  And i think that’s what i figured out.  Almost like i need that “diva” or “high class and sophisticated” type.  That’s what i crave and am really attracted to.  Or at least i think so.  I almost feel like if i were to continue with the woman that I am seeing that i would feel like i’m settling for what i should do, what makes sense.  Not going for what makes me feel all giddy and butterflies. (that’s how i felt all the time with my ex).  That’s what we should all feel like with someone right?  I mean how do you distinguish between what is right and what feels right?  or the right thing to do?

thanks.  you made me smile.

as far as the butterflies with my ex…  I had them from the first day on.  They never went away.  Even at the end when times got hard, i still had them.  Even when she would just text to say hi.  That’s how i know i was really in love with that woman.  all the other shit was a bonus. I really hope i can find that feeling with someone again.  It is the best thing in the world to feel like that anytime you think of them and to know that you would do anything without question for them.  Although with her i couldn’t do that.  When she needed me to let her be alone.  I couldn’t.  and  maybe that was the not feeling worthy part and feeling rejected.  And so that is how i became needy.  It is going to be a long road correcting that about myself.  I know this.  everyday i try.  I get so impatient at times with myself.  Its unreal.

Well this rollercoaster is a bitch. I was watching AGT tonight and there was a couple on there that you could tell was super in love. Rugged on some heart strings and I cried again. Damnit.

Never been a sports guy. Weird huh.

Well yesterday was good day.

This morning not so much. Woke up alone memories instantly came flooding back. Cried again. What’s wrong with me. I was doing so good for so long. Now it’s like I’m getting worse. Trying to push through it.

I think i am aware of them.  just hurts.  I’m really trying to get the why and what ifs out of my head.  And focus on “it wasn’t meant to be”.  It’s really hard.  You say that eventually i wont think about her anymore.  I can’t wait for that day to come.  I really can’t.  cause it tears me up inside anytime she pops in my head.  really hurts.  does’t help that i found a shoebox yesterday that has a bunch of cards and notes that she left hidden for me to find after she went home.  and a picture of her she gave to me to keep by my bedside.  that hurt.  Of coarse i couldn’t get rid of it.  I put it back in the closet.  I want to throw it away, but i can’t.