Hi John,

I dont think it is pathetic but I do think your thoughts have taken over your mind. I think that is very easy to do and all the “just dont think about her’s” in the world wont help.

A few ways to try and make you think about her less is to:

1) practice mindfulness. This sounds a bit homey pokey but actually just means focusing entirely on the present moment. It is easier to do if you are doing a task like cleaning the dishes or gardening- anything that you have to focus on. You make it your goal to do whatever it is as best you can and focus on it and you kind of get lost in the process and time goes by.

2) run. If you go running you cant really run and think at the same time. A good break for your brain.

3) get excited about something in your life that does not involve your ex. This could be anything but something you will feel proud of doing and regularly commit time to. For me this is yoga.

4) accept you feel how you feel. Eg right now you still miss her. That is 100% okay and valid but you can miss her AND progress with your life. In fact this is what I would say 99.9% of people have done at some point or other. This way you arent fighting against missing her, you just are. That is okay. It just means it will take more time.

5) if you really really really want her back then leave your girlfriend and go round and aee her. But I feel that maybe you dont want that. Like you want the idea of her back but maybe not her?? I dont know. Maybe you do rreally really want her back and it sucks as she is with someone else, but if that is the case then that is just how it is. Life is not here all the time, to make us happy, and often we get what we want not what we need- que rolling stones song.. so you can miss her and carry on being an awesome person! You arent ruined or broken or anything else because she is no longer in your life.

6) go to therapy. Try online therapy such as betterhelp or talkspace if you dont want to go face to face. It will help. If u are already going and i missed it in your post, ignore this one.

7) volunteer or do something to help a cause you beleive in eg make it your mission to do a random act of kindness each day eg focus on something else other than your ex.

8) accept you will be sad at times and it will hurt. Sometimes it will feel like it hurts for the very first time all over again. It will pass.

9) read “ask polly” agony aunt questions online-they are funny and you may find some advice in there that relate to your situation.

I have followed your thread for a while. I want you to feel better and to start to be able to feel more at peace. It sounds exhausting how things are now. Take good care of yourself.

you make several valid points.  I do need to move on, bad.  I do need to end this thing I have now.  I think what really bothers me is that my ex was the one that reached out to me this last time(last december).  I know i don’t know any meaning behind things she did say, however there are a few things that just keep bouncing in my head.  Why did she say, ” I think of you often” and when i stopped texting, why did she get not upset, but wondering where I went?  It really makes me wonder if she was having second thoughts and was feeling out my situation.  Even though she has a boyfriend( extreme long distance relationship), and she knew i have a girlfriend.

When you think about those things, why she said or did what she did, do you tend to read into them? Because that’s what’s not helping you to move on. My ex contacted me to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” Then right before Christmas, contacted me again to ask if he’d left skiis at my house and he did but then he never came and got them. Who even knows why these people do the things they do. The fact is, it’s now almost May. It’s been almost 5 months since she’s contacted you. I know you said you’d blocked her, but does she know how to get a hold of you if she really wants to? And has she?

Your breakup has been almost as long as mine and, although I still think about my ex sometimes, too, it helps to come to terms with the fact of things as they are. She isn’t in your life right now, and that’s all you need to know at the moment, you know? If she was gauging your situation, well you were still with your girlfriend and you’re still with her even now, so nothing can change at least until you change your current situation.

If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

You would HAVE to have hesitation though because you’re still with someone right now.  You’re worried about kicking your girlfriend out because of her situation but if your ex came back you’d have no hesitation?  What does that tell you?

I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

That’s the thing, though, John. Your mind is telling you that you need someone exactly like her, but that’s not true. You two didn’t work. That’s why you broke up. Something needed to change for you two to be able to work, so you don’t need someone just like her (or who she was when you dated)… you need someone that really fits you… either her changed into someone more mature or someone else entirely, but if you get someone exactly like she was when you were dating, you’ll have the same problems and break up like before. Our minds think we know what we need but we only know what we want. We DON’T always know what’s best for us, no matter how strongly we feel about it.

Your ex gave you a taste of what a real great relationship was like, but only a temporary one. That’s what you’re desperately clinging onto now, but it’s only making you suffer and potentially keeping you from someone who is truly long-term great. And remember…. the way she left wasn’t great. The fact that she started dating someone else so quickly wasn’t great. The way you’ve felt for the past year and a half hasn’t been great… so she is not as great as your mind and heart want to believe. She needed to change, too, and based on your interactions with her in January, she still had some maturing to do, even then.

You just have to do whatever you can to get yourself to the point where you will LET yourself let go. You’re not to that point yet, which is why you’re still thinking about it so strongly and suffering so much.  I know it’s possible because I am finally to that point.  I haven’t let go of my ex completely (and that’s okay. You don’t have to either) because I still think of him probably daily but I don’t get emotional about it anymore, and I’m able to just let those thoughts pass and remind myself that there is still someone out there, but now isn’t a great time for him to come into my life anyway because I have so much going on. And it would be a TERRIBLE time for yours to come into your life now, too. Your life isn’t open to it because you’re still attached to 2 people, your girlfriend and your ex.

That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

Absolutely. And I get that it’s hard but think of it this way…. you have been dragging this out since AT LEAST October… so that’s 6 months. If you’d broken up with your girlfriend back then, which still would’ve been terrible timing, just like it is now, she would’ve had the last 6 months to grieve, get situated, and maybe even meet someone who would be a better fit for her. Your prolonging the relationship is keeping her from that. And just like then and now, there isn’t going to be a perfect time for a breakup, so you just have to do it now. Get on with it so you can both move on and stop feeling so terrible. Especially with you getting so frustrated with your life that you don’t want to live it. You need to change your situation for yourself and your kids more than anything.

Good luck! And definitely keep us posted.

Vent whenever you need! But what steps have you taken since you last posted to help you to not think of her so much? Taking steps towards that is the only way you’re actually going to feel better. I don’t think you really wish you could forget. I think it’s more likely you’re holding on tightly because you just want her back… but it’s not going to happen when you’re in this state of lack or feeling like she’s missing. That pushes love away.

I still think of my ex, too. He actually just crossed my mind a little bit ago… but I don’t indulge the way you do and I think you shouldn’t let yourself indulge like that anymore either. You can miss the times you had together and the things you did, and I think that’s normal, but when it crosses over to constantly thinking about the things she loves and the way she looked and just keeping your focus on that and lamenting over how much you miss her, you’re only making things worse. Actively switch your thoughts to something else when that happens, focus on something that makes you feel GOOD. Trust me on this one.

You’re welcome! If it helps, I know exactly how you feel. haha. My ex and I had planned on getting married this year. It can be tough around those special dates, and I think that’s understandable. It’s going to hurt sometimes and I don’t think there’s a way to make it NOT hurt until it just doesn’t anymore, but the important thing is to try not to linger in the thoughts. Feel the feelings and just let them pass without judgment on how you’re feeling at the time. It’s okay and understandable that these things still hurt.

I guess I had a similar weekend as you did. I went out to watch a friend’s band play, and people kept asking about my ex, which is weird because we’ve been broken up for a year and a half, but it definitely does make you think about them more when people bring up their name.  I’ve also gone 5 months without contact with him and it’s also been the longest we’ve ever been not in contact (the longest before was only a month), so that’s kind of weird that we’re both sort of on the same timeline right now, but at least I get how you’re feeling. It comes in waves, right? You’re okay and then you’re not, then you’re okay and then you’re not. I experienced that the most last year when I was grieving the hardest. It’s back a little bit now, too, because I’m going through a custody battle and he was there for me at the beginning of it, and I’d really like to talk to him about it but I’m refraining. Anyway, you just have to ride out the waves.

I do hope you feel better soon. Try not to fight the feelings when they come (you’re having them for a reason and fighting them is like telling yourself you shouldn’t be having them), but keep trying not to let yourself dwell on them either. They’ll pass and hopefully get fewer and farther between over time.

It still sounds to me like you’re fighting your feelings. Just let them be what they are. It’s okay that you still miss her. Your mind still has her on a pedestal but she is NOT the only person that you can feel this way with.

Have you started any counseling yet?

I have the same feeling about my ex, too, but the important thing is to recognize that it may just be wishful thinking creating a “gut feeling” that isn’t actually intuition. You also have to just remain open to other options and be sure to give new people a chance… otherwise, I don’t see the harm in letting that hope remain because things like that DO happen, and I don’t think it’s realistic to think you can just turn that hope or that feeling off, especially since I know exactly what you’re feeling. Just don’t let that hope and those feelings hold you back from someone else is all, and if you give someone a chance and then end up making that feeling for your ex go away (which is totally possible), then you’ll know THAT person is a better fit. So just be open is all.

As for your other situation, if you don’t think you can afford a place again, you might want to just be strong and firm and tell her she needs to leave…. especially because she can’t afford your apartment on her own either, can she? So it makes no sense for you to have to leave it if she’d have to leave either way and especially if you don’t think you’ll be able to find another place for yourself soon. You’re just going to have to make yourself do it and remember that she is just as much to blame for being in this situation as you are, so it’s time she took responsibility for that, too. This is what happens when you move into someone’s place and the relationship doesn’t end up working… it’s her responsibility to move back out.

I honestly think that might’ve been good for you to see because it’ll help you let some reality in.  It’s okay to hope for the future, but for right now and indefinitely, she’s with him.  I kind of think it says something that she never said she loves you over social media, too. It’d be one thing if that were just not something she does, but clearly she does do that. It’s possible you were more into her than she was into you, unfortunately.

I think it’s a good idea to get out of your current situation and work on getting yourself better right away. It’s really not a good time for you to get back with your ex anyway, even if she did come back, because you aren’t in a place where you can start a healthy relationship… and if she does end up coming back or you meet someone better… you want to be able to start the relationship in a good spot and develop a healthy one that will last, right?

So even though I get what you’re feeling and what you’re going through, please trust me when I say it’s really better this way at least for now. You have to get out of that situation you’re in first. Maybe let this help push you to do that.